Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and ADHD

[shardinay]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so I've always known that. It in recent years our relationship has deteriorated massively to the point I'm almost mute in our house (apart from talking and engaging with our wonderful kids). He seems to be able to take offence or find criticism in absolutely everything i say. As a result we don't talk at all anymore. I mean this literally.. i couldn't even ask him to pass the salt as he would take it as an attack on his character that he didn't consider my meal needed salt. He knows nothing about me or my life because if you can’t ask someone to get petrol while they're out (example) without it descending into a huge argument about how he knows the car needs petrol and doesn't need reminders and he's not the type of person to let a car cut out at the side of the road and he was planning on getting petrol etc etc etc (he never gets petrol nor notices the light being on - ADHD) ... then how/why would i share the big stuff.

Does anyone know anything about this Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

But why don’t you rise to it? Why don’t reply to his snappy comment ‘who do you think you’re speaking to? Why do you think you can be rude and nasty to me for eating a bowl of cereal?’ Why don’t you tell him he makes you utterly miserable and you’ve been sitting hungry and worrying over whether or not to get a bowl of cereal because you know he’ll have some snippy little comment?

There’s being a people pleaser and there’s sprinting to lie in front of the door so people can wipe their feet on you. And every time you model the lying down to be stomped on your kids are watching. They’re watching daddy snapping at mummy because she dared to go into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal and her apologetically staying silent with her cereal so as not to start an argument. And if they’re boys, they’re internalising that it is appropriate and normal for them to make a tense, controlling and uncomfortable atmosphere by snapping and sighing when a woman does anything they dislike. If they’re girls, they’re internalising that they should accept men snapping at them over any simple action like eating food and that they should stay silent so as not to make the man angry or ‘get a rise’ out of him. Why would you want that? If you love your husband and genuinely think he’s a nice guy who feels strongly about fairness and all the rest, tell him the truth. Say he’s a bully and makes you so uncomfortable that you agonise over getting a bowl of cereal because you know he’ll snap.

@GG1986 it's crappy. Does your husband have a diagnosis of ADHD? My empathy has run out. I'm just tired of it now.

@Kanaloa ouch. That wasn't an easy read but a lot of truth in that. I don't rise to it because it's so irrational and pointless arguing with him. But you're right.. silence isn't exactly promoting Girl Power.

@Kanaloa and thanks for that perspective. Maybe that's what i needed to hear. No more bullshit

Do you think you could tell him? I mean not argue, but actually say ‘why do you do this? It makes me unhappy and uncomfortable. You need to stop because it’s unfair.’

How would he react if you literally told him what he’s doing, with no room for argument? Do you think he could take it onboard and attempt to be more pleasant? If he loves you he should be able to make that effort.

And don’t feel bad about it. It’s not your fault. Whether he has ADHD, PDA, ASD, whatever. It doesn’t mean you need to tolerate being treated badly. I am also an ex people pleaser, but it’s no good. You want to make people happy as a people pleaser, but the effort and kindness is rarely reciprocated and it ends up with people just seeing you as an easy target sometimes.

This isn't RSD. This is aggression.

My RSD can be crippling.

But it doesn't come over in "waves" like you say it affects your husband.

RSD is over reacting if someone is upset, angry or disappointed with you. For me it can be nearly suicidal.

It's not about being over sensitive of being accused of making a mistake. It's about feeling rejected by someone. That's the R.

I think you'll find typically it will make those of us with ADHD less confrontational not more. As you wouldn't want to make the person reject you further.

My eldest son is like this op. I'm your dh's mum in this scenario. It's awful

I guess me posting on mumsnet means i must be closer to my limit than i thought. It will take a lot for me to bring it up and i know it won't be well received. But i suppose worst case scenario we have a big argument. He can’t hear logic in the moment. Maybe if i write it all down.. I'll mull it over.

@WeedSmellDramas i thought it meant you perceived things to be criticisms even when they're not and from that you leap to feeling worthless and disappointed in yourself and a failure. Again I'm sensing from this threat that women internalise it and men don't. The "waves of RSD" was something i heard on the webinar. I don't have any clue how it feels. If someone tells me i made them a crap cup of tea i throw it out and make a new one... i don't ruminate about how I'm a failure in every aspect of life and my friend should ditch me for being crap at everything I've ever done

@CandyLeBonBon so sorry to hear that. It must be really hard. How old is he? It feels so bewildering

You keep saying you are not afraid of him but you are afraid of his reaction to situations. That is walking on eggshells.

I have RSD. I have an autism diagnosis and I suspect I may also have ADHD although I've not gone for tests so I don't know.

It is difficult to describe how badly it affects me. It is genuinely debilitating. If my partner offers to do me a favour I generally can't accept it, because "I'll go and get your suit from the dry cleaning" sounds to me like "why have you left your suit at the dry cleaning for days, you lazy waste of space."

This is a good article about it https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitivity-adhd-marriage/

What I can say is that finding out that this existed, and realising that this was what I had, has been life changing. I can now accept criticism much better because I know that my reaction to it is temporary and not real. These days I can even joke about it. That would have been inconceivable a few years ago.

I'm not afraid of his reaction. I know exactly how he'll react and i don't like arguments over nonsense. I don't want to bring certain negativity on myself that can be avoided. He overreacts to a simple sentence, i clarify what i meant.. he keeps going like a dog with a bone about why he's right. That's no fun for anyone. Of course some times i am giving out or criticising! (Past tense coz i barely say hello to him anymore)

@MagicTape that is the absolute nail on the head. Even nice things are misconstrued and perceived to be criticisms. So glad that knowledge was power for you and things are much better. That gives me hope.

Do you mind me asking if you're male or female? Just for the purpose of trying to see if there's a trend in how women exhibit RSD.

I actually read that article amid my furious googling when i first learned about RSD. I really wanted to send it to my husband but didn't feel ready for the fallout

It's good to know I'm not the only one. Will be looking this up ASAP.

@shardinay I'm female and so is my partner. I hope that knowledge is power as much for you as it has been for me.

I think to fully understand the dynamic between OP and her husband you've got to imagine that there is a magical word filter between them.

The OP says 'hey leave me some pizza please'. Then the words go through this filter and her DH genuinely hears 'you absolute moron, how on earth did you not think to leave me some pizza. You are so stupid that even though I said earlier I didn't want pizza, you haven't worked out that now I want some. Fucking useless idiot'.

He then responds to what he has heard through the filter and the OP is left bewildered because that isn't what she actually said.

He needs help realising that the filter is there and trying to get it to stop working so he can hear what is actually said.

In our house we have a PECS card for "sorry" which any one of us can bring to another, and we use the BSL sign for sorry as well. Both much easier than saying it.

He's 21. Asd and adhd. Every conversation is a minefield where I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing for being told I'm 'talking out of my arse' and being handed a range of manipulative false equivalences because it's almost physically unbearable for him to ever admit or acknowledge he's wrong. I am either expected to know he's aware of something whilst also being aware of what he doesn't know, so I don't inadvertently treat him like an idiot (I'm paraphrasing his interaction with me from only yesterday).

He masked it successfully for 5 years until we were married. Tbh I thought he was really laid back, it was only after we were married that I felt I had the right to ask him to do things. And then I got the full on hairdryer treatment.

@Holly60 this is exactly it, so perfectly explained. A magical word filter.

And when all i want is a slice of pizza it seems like too much hard work to have to navigate this filter and go through the motions of arguing about how i didn't mean any of the things he thinks i meant.

Thank you for understanding :)

Yep. Can identify with this too.

@CandyLeBonBon An impossible situation. It grinds you down. I think there has been some good advice on this thread, for me anyway. Not sure where your son is at in terms of his understanding. I fully understand making accommodations for people with disabilities but sometimes it feels like you have to lose so much of yourself in the accommodating.

@MagicTape Haha.. love that. I teach PECS in my job! I can say with certainty that would not be well received at home.