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Original poster

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and ADHD

145 replies

shardinay · 09/06/2023 19:12

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so I've always known that. It in recent years our relationship has deteriorated massively to the point I'm almost mute in our house (apart from talking and engaging with our wonderful kids). He seems to be able to take offence or find criticism in absolutely everything i say. As a result we don't talk at all anymore. I mean this literally.. i couldn't even ask him to pass the salt as he would take it as an attack on his character that he didn't consider my meal needed salt. He knows nothing about me or my life because if you can’t ask someone to get petrol while they're out (example) without it descending into a huge argument about how he knows the car needs petrol and doesn't need reminders and he's not the type of person to let a car cut out at the side of the road and he was planning on getting petrol etc etc etc (he never gets petrol nor notices the light being on - ADHD) ... then how/why would i share the big stuff.

Does anyone know anything about this Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

OP posts:
Blankspace4 · 09/06/2023 21:06

NOT from anything as trivial as pass the salt that should have said!

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:06

There is no conflict at all anymore because there is no communication. I admit that's not good for my kids but I'm a happy, sunny, good natured person with a full life and lots of friends coming and going and a lovely interesting job) So i hope that's what my kids notice and they're still quite young so fairly self involved. (5 and 7)

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 09/06/2023 21:08

From this thread Im really strongly wondering if RSD of ADHD presents quite differently in men (defensive aggressive) and women (self blame)?

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:09

@Blankspace4 do you mind me asking if you're a woman and if you think that has any bearing on your ADHD, RSD and how they manifest? Maybe RSD is different in men., i honestly don't know.

However I'm seeing he's either an extreme example of RSD coupled with a dollop of self importance with the big job or ... benefit of the doubt here, has a mood disorder and/or ASD and he's really struggling

OP posts:
Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:15

@HairyKitty exactly what I'm wondering!

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 09/06/2023 21:26

Could just be a serious case of misogyny.

Mariposista · 09/06/2023 21:26

Whether or not he has a label for this behaviour and can help it or not, I would not be able to put up with this and I certainly wouldn't be subjecting innocent children to it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/06/2023 21:29

Never mind him or whatever condition he has

The question is why you would choose to put up with any of this shit. You get one life and you are wasting it, and your children are watching you do that. He is not going to change.

orangegato · 09/06/2023 21:29

Both me and my partner have these traits. I think in men their pride can take offence and they can become defensive. With me I believe I mustn’t be worth being around to cut myself off from people before they cut me off.

Your husband is way beyond anything excusable. Do not live like that, you only live once.

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:31

Not misogyny. As i said before, he has a deep rooted sense of fairness and justice and does not see a difference between men and women. He thinks he knows more than everyone, an equal opportunities know it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:33

@orangegato how did you come to realise you have RSD?

OP posts:
FloweryWowery · 09/06/2023 21:38

He sounds like a common or garden arsehole. If there is an exact diagnosis, will he stop being so?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2023 21:40

Part of me thinks that not everyone can have everything they want so i make peace with my lot in life, genuinely. I have amazing kids, a job i love, a lovely house in a nice area, a dog who brings me so much joy, friends who I've known my whole life. I have a lot to be grateful for.

As long as you wish for nothing, ask for nothing, say nothing. He requires his wife to be mute, have no needs and ask for nothing. You say he has a sense of fairness and isn't a misogynist. He's doing a banging impression of one.

You're even guilty eating cereal when you could have had pizza. Do you have the remotest idea how utterly dysfunctional and terrible that sounds? All to avoid his reaction.

Fuck's sake this is awful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2023 21:41

Oh and I have ADHD and so does DD.

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:41

I don't know. He has an ADHD diagnosis... maybe if i said RSD out loud it would become his hyper focus topic and he'd research it to death and change. I should probably risk it. He doesn't want to be a bad person.

OP posts:
Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:45

I wish for things for myself and i get them, i talk to my friends and family and kids and colleagues. I know my marriage is dysfunctional but the rest of my life is lovely. 90% great - 10% bad. He doesn't "require me to be mute". That's twisting what I've said and failing to understand how I've got to this place. It wasn't always like this but I've got more tired and i don't like arguing about silly things.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2023 21:46

Essentially he does though.

I know it's shitty but that's the reality. You used to say what you needed, then you'd reword, then you've just stopped. Mute.

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:48

Yes. But he doesn't "require" that. He's not a bully in that I'm not intimidated by him. I'm just fed up of him overreacting to everything

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2023 21:54

OK; compliance or silence. That doesn't sound better to me.

Phineyj · 09/06/2023 21:55

OP, this is not normal. It sounds awful. I mean, I've got a few difficult characters in my family and some have diagnosed and (I suspect) undiagnosed neurodivergences, but nothing like this.

This is your life partner. The one who's supposed to love you the most. You can't even change your mind about pizza!

You would still all have all those good things you listed (well, maybe not such a nice house) but you could be yourself. Aren't you ever tempted?

Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:56

I'm being triggered (only half joking) by you finding the worst possible interpretation of what I'm saying and stating your opinion as fact so there's nowhere for the conversation to go. I choose silence over arguing.

OP posts:
Original poster
shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:59

@Phineyj i am not tempted. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world which also has an extreme housing and rental crisis. There's nowhere to go. Plus i won't choose something that separates me from my children. They have a happy life, there's no conflict.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/06/2023 22:00

shardinay · 09/06/2023 21:56

I'm being triggered (only half joking) by you finding the worst possible interpretation of what I'm saying and stating your opinion as fact so there's nowhere for the conversation to go. I choose silence over arguing.

That's fine. You can frame it any way you'd like. It's your relationship.

The reason I'm framing it differently is that I think you're the boiling frog and you're arguing that the person who turned the water on is doing it to keep you warm and he's actually a lovely chef and you like hot water and it's nicer than cold. And that the pot is lovely and better than other pots.

Again though, your relationship. You can understand it better than I can.

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 22:00

He sounds extremely unpleasant. For me personally or wouldn’t really matter whether it was due to ADHD/RSD/being an arsehole, because the result is the same.

You are being picked at and bullied in your own home. Whatever happens in his head before he starts isn’t relevant. What he does (picking and being bullying and nasty) affects you. If he can’t change and control himself from bullying others due to his ADHD giving him RSD then unfortunately he can’t/shouldn’t be in a relationship because his ADHD makes it impossible for him to treat somebody else with respect.

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 22:05

I also think you need to look objectively at who your husband actually is. Because you’re saying lots of nice things about how he’s lovely and has a strong sense of fairness and social justice. But then you (his wife) is sitting scared to have a bowl of cereal because he’ll blow up that you said you weren’t hungry three hours ago. Does this fit with a lovely person who has a strong sense of fairness?

You are what you do. You can’t be a lovely person who crushes your spouse so much that they choose not to speak or eat so they don’t set you off. Those two things don’t mesh.