Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and ADHD

[shardinay]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so I've always known that. It in recent years our relationship has deteriorated massively to the point I'm almost mute in our house (apart from talking and engaging with our wonderful kids). He seems to be able to take offence or find criticism in absolutely everything i say. As a result we don't talk at all anymore. I mean this literally.. i couldn't even ask him to pass the salt as he would take it as an attack on his character that he didn't consider my meal needed salt. He knows nothing about me or my life because if you can’t ask someone to get petrol while they're out (example) without it descending into a huge argument about how he knows the car needs petrol and doesn't need reminders and he's not the type of person to let a car cut out at the side of the road and he was planning on getting petrol etc etc etc (he never gets petrol nor notices the light being on - ADHD) ... then how/why would i share the big stuff.

Does anyone know anything about this Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

100%. Sorry was not trying to derail. X

Not at all @CandyLeBonBon ! Genuinely happy to have your input and perspective. I'm sure my mother in law would relate to a lot of what you're experiencing.

I'm just glad that there's an explanation of some sort for what's been going on in my relationship. Though i do take on board all the posters who've said maybe he's just an assh**e. But benefit of the doubt, he has all the acronyms and can maybe work on himself.

OP you're a bloody saint for putting up with this. I really feel for you and your DCs and I really hope this forum can help you start to find a way out.

This doesn't sound like how my RSD works, quite the opposite.

That's assuming he has RSD. He may or may not.

However my point stands that the OP has lost sight of how bad things are when she claims she isn't walking on eggshells. Everything she describes supports that idea that she very much is.

If someone tells me i made them a crap cup of tea i throw it out and make a new one... i don't ruminate about how I'm a failure in every aspect of life and my friend should ditch me for being crap at everything I've ever done

It's worth saying neither of these is actually a boundaried, appropriate response in the middle of 'normal'.

If someone tells me I made a crap cup of tea, I'd say, "oh well, you know where the kettle is" and move on with my life. What you seem to have in your home is a people pleaser married to the opposite. He keeps shoving, you keep moving over. He keeps getting bigger, you keep getting smaller. It's a marriage made in heaven until someone cracks.

Not yet. I believe he is on a waiting list, but it's pretty obvious he has it. He also holds down a time a full time job where he has to use his brain and its quite stressful apparently, although he works mainly with women who seem to hold down this same job and are mothers to small kids. It's also pointless arguing with my oh, he always gets the last say and thinks he is right. It's draining and boring.

He likely has an affliction called GVA.

This is not really true. My husband has ADHD, and we were very similar a while back. Relationship spiralling out of control with massive blow ups over what I thought were reasonable requests or comments. We have learnt about RSD together, so I do try to moderate how/when I say things, but equally he tries to keep his reactions in check. We absolutely do talk about it.

I don’t think you’re listening to every ND person on this thread telling you this absolutely doesn’t look like RSD! Why are you so determined to label it that? It can be really really really damaging to the neurodiverse community to push the narrative that someone’s horrible behaviour must adamantly be because of their neurodiversity. I know many many ND people (male and female) and our usual reaction is to go and share with each other how much we understand our reaction is not natural but that we are still feeling all these overwhelming things. Not a single one of us would be okay knowing that our reaction made someone feel this terrible.

In truth there are good and bad people who are both neurodiverse and neurotypical. I see it as an important part of my diagnosis that I’m able to use the information around it to behave appropriately and build healthy relationships with people. That means even if I’m feeling really negative things such as RSD I discuss with my husband and we work together to understand where I’m being rational or where my ASD/ADHD brain is maybe running on overkill.

I really feel for you as I grew up in a household tiptoeing round someone and it’s so so so hard but this is not simply something you can diagnose off online knowledge and then use to justify putting up with this- this is a relationship issue! ND/NT relationships absolutely can work but as a ND person myself this means leaning into the diagnosis and openly and actively discussing with my husband and having strong communication. If he allowed me to continue a behaviour that was so damaging without ever pointing out that would be unhealthy and equally if I continued on with a behaviour after having it pointer out making no effort to change/understand, this is me being a poor partner.

You either need to discuss with him and allow him to engage with his neurodiversity and stop treating you so poorly and probably make significant amends to try and build a relationship again or leave. His current behaviour towards you is not acceptable regardless of the reasoning for it and if he not willing to listen to his wife, attempt to understand, discuss and learn from that, he’s simply an arsehole regardless of his ADHD. Those of us that are not arseholes may struggle to understand interactions/social norms etc but if pointed out to us that something we are doing is harmful to others would be MORTIFIED and desperate to amend our ways.

Forgot to quote! My previous post is in response to this.

Your poor kids, this is not healthy and they will start noticing. What then? How do you manage in social situations? The fact he can control himself when he’s out of the house makes me think he’s mostly an arsehole. Sorry.

I think you should leave. It's not fair on your kids to live in a house like this and it's not fair on you.

ok, can I just say though that you are displaying a very abusive streak.

The silent treatment is horrid and abusive. if a MNer postered their DH was not speaking to them all hell would break loose.

I get your reasons, but this is no way to live, you are hurting each other constantly and the atmosphere in house for your DC is a best not healthy.

you need to go to couples counselling ASAP, or just leave. You bring out the worst in each other.

As for the pizza thing? I don't get it.
So your DH was actually making pizzas, presumably for dinner later (because that's when he was eating it) asked you what you wanted. You gave a weird answer about not being hungry at the moment, not a "I'll have xyz for dinner if you are making one", or "not hungry right now but save me some"

So 3 hours later when he sits down to eat pizza he made and had asked you what you wanted but you turned down any offer of him making you one. You then get a sulk on because surprise surprise you are now hungry.

on a side note, Did he make the dc pizza for dinner? if not who made them dinner?

Op has given up speaking to her dh because he's abusive to her every time. Even if she asks for the salt. It's him being abusive to her not the other way round.

He has an ideal target in you as a people pleaser. That behaviour as well often starts by wanting to parent please, was/is one of your parents here very critical and or demanding?. What did you learn about relationships from them when you were growing up?. People pleasing does you no favours at all and is an issue you need to address.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What are you also modelling to them?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Not at all surprised he does not like his mother, men like this hate women particularly his mother - and all of them.

If I gave you a cup of tea that was 90% tea and 10% shit you would not drink if. But you describe your relationship as 90/10 good and bad. How did you arrive at such figures or were they merely plucked out of thin air?
No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

BerriesPineCones

I'm not denying that. But the silent treatment is also abusive. it not helping anyone, you either communicate or leave.
It's not and environment to bring dc up in.

as I said if a MNers presented her side about a dh giving them the silent treatment the replys would be apocalyptic.

Op has become almost mute in her home apart from speaking to the kids because her husband is apparently able to find offence in anything she says (her initial post stated this). He sounds like your usual common and or garden abuser to me and I would think that his work colleagues are not treated like his wife, and in turn their children, are.

It may well be that tasks like filling up the car with petrol are seen by him as being beneath him particularly in the event his wife may use the car far more than he does . It’s anyway not important to him.

There is no justification for his treatment of you and in turn your kids like this, ADHD or otherwise.

@user1471548941 i definitely am listening to all the ND posters and grateful for their insight. But they've all been women and ADHD is different in men and women. RSD is not actually a diagnosable condition as rejection is not measurable and it's not in the DSM so technically no one has it! But when i heard about it and researched it he ticks all the boxes.

I'm not giving him the silent treatment or sulking. That behaviour is usually a response to an incident or row. I'm tired of thinking ahead how simple sentences will be perceived and checking how it will offend him. The PP who gave the example of collecting the suit from the dry cleaners was spot on. I think it's fairly reasonable to suggest a person with ADHD might not notice the car needs petrol or notice but forget rather than think they think the task is beneath them.

I'm also surprised to hear you say that all ND are able to openly share their thoughts and emotions with each other. I don't think that's usually the case.

@CoffeeAndFagToStartTheDay the pizza thing. So i made the kids dinner at about 6pm. He said he'd make pizza for us. I said I'd only had lunch at 4pm because work was so busy so wasn't hungry yet. Said to him to go ahead if he was hungry now. He didnt make the pizza until 8.30. Personally i think it was implied that 2.5 hours later i would be onboard for pizza but fair enough, i wasn't explicit. The point of that example was that i should be able to say "don't forget to leave some for me" or "did you include me in the pizza making?" etc etc but anything akin to those sentences would spark a reaction where he's annoyed, disappointed in himself, feels like a failure for not knowing i wanted food, that I'm the unreasonable one for not stating at 6pm that i would like pizza exactly 2.5 hours later. It's hard to explain without me sounding like a wimp.

@AttilaTheMeerkat maybe i am a people pleaser but i also look after myself and my own well being. And getting into arguments over nothing all the time is not good for anyone. So i avoid them.

I had a normal upbringing i think. I have a good relationship with both my parents, my mum is pushy but i have good boundaries with her most of the time. Both are still working so they're not dependent on me really.

To be fair I'm not surprised he doesn't like his mother either! Shes a pain in the neck.

What i meant about the tea was if i mate tea for my mum and she said it was a bit watery or the milk tasted off i wouldn't take it as a moral failing on my part. My husband would and would spiral into thinking he was a terrible person for serving such sub par tea. I’d make a fresh cup and move on.

what do you want the future to look like between you and your husband?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What are you getting out of this relationship with him?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'm not answering that because it wasn't the point of my thread. What i wanted was lived experience of RSD so i could better understand it. I've had great insight from many posters plus new perspectives on my situation which I'm grateful for.

The only people who i think truly understand what I'm describing though, are the women married to men and the mum of the 21 year old who have ADHD,ASD and present with RSD.

Maybe I'll start today with a week of normal communication where i just say what i want without anticipating the fall out and see where we end up.

This is sad to see. OP, stop pathologising him, you’re looking for a reason to explain and justify his behaviour so that you don’t have to admit to yourself that it’s not acceptable, because if you did, you might have to leave.

He is treating you horribly, this is no way to live, and no matter what conditions he may or may not have, it doesn’t entitle him to treat someone that way. You’ve made post after post all about him and what his issues might be, but what about you? How is this impacting YOUR mental health? What does this behaviour teach your children? You might say you’re 90% happy, but honestly, I think you’re lying to yourself. That 10% is meant to be your home, your stability, your comfort zone and instead you have to constantly police yourself.

This isn’t ok, and I think you know that deep down.