Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and ADHD

[shardinay]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so I've always known that. It in recent years our relationship has deteriorated massively to the point I'm almost mute in our house (apart from talking and engaging with our wonderful kids). He seems to be able to take offence or find criticism in absolutely everything i say. As a result we don't talk at all anymore. I mean this literally.. i couldn't even ask him to pass the salt as he would take it as an attack on his character that he didn't consider my meal needed salt. He knows nothing about me or my life because if you can’t ask someone to get petrol while they're out (example) without it descending into a huge argument about how he knows the car needs petrol and doesn't need reminders and he's not the type of person to let a car cut out at the side of the road and he was planning on getting petrol etc etc etc (he never gets petrol nor notices the light being on - ADHD) ... then how/why would i share the big stuff.

Does anyone know anything about this Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?

This is just a short-term solution, it's not going to magically fix things for you in the long run, but I can tell you what might help defuse some of this tension so you can figure out your long-term options.

I have reminders all over my house, there's a whiteboard on the fridge and over the table and there are sticky notes everywhere. My father (undiagnosed but pretty sure he's ADHD and has stopped masking as he gets older) lives with me and he thinks that these reminders are purely for my benefit, but they are also for him. They are completely neutral, writing "GET MILK" on the fridge has no names attached, it can't be seen as a criticism of him for not getting the milk already, the reminder could be for either of us. Written communication is perceived as less hostile or nitpicky (although we can read that in certain punctuation) and if asked, you can just say the reminders are for you.

At some point though you will have to get him to confront the situation, you can't live like this forever. The world is full of ADHD-people who have worked hard to overcome the worst traits of their RSD and there's no reason why an intelligent person can't do that unless he likes it like this.

This is what I was thinking! He juts sounds like a dick - especially this bit “But the RSD has really amped up with every promotion he's had at work. I don't know if that's a coincidence. “

and there a plenty of people who can be committed to social justice on society and be a day to day twat.

@Kanaloa i am categorically not scared or afraid of him. In any way shape or form. I just don't like arguing. I find it exhausting and unnecessary. But i am not afraid.

@goldfootball sorry what i meant was the RSD has amped up with the pressure of more and more senior jobs. Rather than him feeling like the big man.

Thank you @MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed I've only very recently learned about RSD... had never heard of it until a webinar i watched at work. So i agree that confronting it with him and seeing what he wants to do with the information is the way forward. It all just seems so irrational to a neurotypical person but i know it's a real thing.

Tbh I think you are focussing too much on RSD.

There could be many explanations for this behaviour. I've never heard it suggested that you couldn't talk to someone with RSD about it. My experience is that people who have it recognise it when they hear about it.

Look at PDA as well.

But honestly, having ADHD isn't a free pass to be a dick (I have ADHD btw). He still needs to take responsibility and find compromise and solutions.

One thing that may help you relate to someone with AuADHD type presentations is being clearer in your communication. In the pizza example, I'd be very confused (not angry though). Dont expect him to mind read in the way most people can. Maybe better to say "I'm not hungry now, but I might want pizza later on". The shirt thing is a bit odd. Does he want you to tell him how to dress? Most adults don't want that kind of unsolicited advice/criticism I assume.

Finally, love is something that needs to be nurtured and developed. It can't exist in an intimacy'free vacuum. You deserve love and happiness, and to be able to be yourself.

Well, you did say you weren’t hungry.
My DH wouldn’t have got that either. I’d need to say. I’m not hungry yet, but will be later. Let me know when you order something.
but then the majority of my interactions are the same in a non-social capacity. Someone asks you a question, you think how the question could potentially be understood, answer in a way to cover all potential outcomes and monitor to make sure things haven’t been misconstrued.

@SylvanianFrenemies no he definitely wouldn't want me to tell him how to dress but he often gets it wrong because he comes from another country so doesn't have the innate sense of what's appropriate (ie: would think wearing a black suit to a funeral is correct when really that's reserved for immediate mourning family). Or he'd wear a band tshirt and trainers to a fancy bar for my friends 40th and then wouldn't be let in. That kind of thing.

I think i used to use all those strategies of being really specific in my language and direct in my meaning. But it's not a natural way to communicate and is actually a bit tiring.. that's what led to saying things in my head first to check if it could be misconstrued.

Interesting response @underneaththeash. I'm not sure that's how most neurotypical people approach conversations

Most people with ADHD have RSD to some degree. Usually I internalise mine and if it is something hurtful in an argument it makes me cry.

I've never acted the way your husband has. He is acting abusive and weaponising as someone said earlier. That's not adhd. That's him being an abusive twat. Learn to separate the two.

I wouldn't give empathy to someone who treated me like that and neither should you.

I would give empathy to someone who sat me down after exploding and apologised, explained why it had happened and took steps to rectify it.

No one has the right to make anyone tread on eggshells. Take it from me, this is just him. ADHD and personality can be very different if you see what I mean.

@Namechange666 i take that point about separating personality and ADHD. I know some people are just dickheads. I know from his mother he was an extremely difficult child and teenager and she was glad when he moved out.

I’m wondering if it presents so differently in women that the only person on the thread who maybe really gets what i mean is the woman who said her husband is the same. Not to take away from your experience or the other posters who have ADHD and understand RSD. The female RSD perspective seems to be to internalise and feel shame.

It is so long since there's been anything close to an argument.. and i mean maybe 2 years or more, that i don't tread on eggshells and there are no explosions, but that's because i have completely withdrawn from him. He's a person who lives in my house rather than a husband or companion of any sort.

I have ADHD, and struggle with RSD and PDA. I really don’t recognise what you’re describing in my experience of RSD, or at least in my reactions which are internalised and frankly horrific at times. I’m trying to imagine lashing out in response to perceived criticism, and I can sort of see where you’re coming from. You might find Oppositional Defiance Disorder holds some answers too.

In addition to comorbidity, there is also overlap between ADHD and ASD and the boundaries between ND conditions are by no means rigid. In all likelihood the DSM definitions will change more than once in our lifetimes. I would urge you not to get too hung up on trying to find the right terminology.

It might be useful to consider what’s happening from a functional behavioural perspective - these behaviours serve him in some way. Mapping those contingencies might be the key here.

What, if anything is he doing about his adhd? Personally I think that there is a gender aspect, that women are more likely to carry shame and try to mitigate the effect of these conditions on their partners, while men are more likely to display an entitlement to borrow their partner’s mental labour and skills and expect support and compassion as a right.

As women our boundaries are already eroded by social conditioning and invisible
internalised misogyny. It’s important to find yours - particularly when you’re dealing with takers because they have no boundaries! You don’t have to accept the status quo .

How would you feel if your children live in similar relationships when they grow up?

Oh I agree. I'm just suggesting these as survival tactics. But you seem averse to considering the glaring points:

1. RSD doesn't fully explain this
2. Maybe staying in thi situation isnt the best choice

But obviously it is your life.

In addition to having ADHD and recognising RSD traits in myself, my bff's (male) partner has ADHD with RSD. Recent diagnosis so RSD discussed in a way it might not previously have been. He can be prickly and short tempered. He also knows he holds the responsibility and has and equal, supportive relationship with my friend. If he over-reacts to perceived rejection he apologises. My friend is able to say "you are over reacting, this is not me, handle your stuff". Please don't over invest in the narrative of "men with RSD need to be handled with kid gloves". It is false.

You are treading on eggshells if you can't say "hey, leave me some pizza please".

Do you think he is modelling a healthy relationship to your children?

@shardinay also my ADHD spouse’s RSD seems to prevent him from apologising. And yes I do know how that sounds however it looks almost painful and apologising feels to him like blame and criticism (in his imagination) which he finds excruciating so he can’t/doesn’t do it. It does affect quite a few areas of life.

Ok, well if you’re not scared or afraid why would you sit hungry so as to avoid an argument? Say ‘what are you talking about? It’s nothing to do with you, stop trying to argue about me eating a bowl of cereal. I don’t want to hear your thoughts about me eating, I can eat when and what I want to eat.’

If any friend of mine said they were hungry but couldn’t have a bowl of cereal because their husband would start an argument and they don’t like it, I’d presume they were scared. He knows you don’t like arguing. He has made it so that you do everything his way and live a life of silence and non-action to avoid him doing the thing to you that you don’t like.

@Begonne such a great reply thank you. When i think about what the function of the behaviour ( lashing out) might be i can only assume it's an involuntary response to the perceived criticism. Do his cortisol levels rise so quickly that it's a fight or flight situation. He's doing nothing about his ADHD because it serves him very well in work and he is operating at a very high level and very successfully. In his family life i assume he's not happy but I'm not good at blunt, direct conversations so would find that difficult to bring up. I know that's unhealthy.. not being able to ask your husband a simple "are you happy" question.

Another webinar i watched recently - the speaker said he thought ODD was going to be replaced by PDA in the DSM (sorry, a lot of acronyms!) but i know you have to have an autism diagnosis to have PDA. Even though PDA is not yet officially diagnosable.

It has taken a lot for me to type all of this out on an internet forum. I guess the next step is to reread the whole thread and then talk to him about it.

I’m also not sure why you say you don’t tread on eggshells but you also can’t have a bowl of cereal in his sight without him doing the thing (starting an argument) that you don’t like. Sitting in your own house hungry to avoid a reaction you dislike/are frightened of is treading on eggshells.

That's fair @Kanaloa . I'm honestly not afraid of him but i can see why you think i am. There's an element of being so worn down by someone that feeling hungry is the lesser of two evils. Even though the argument would be a single snappy comment and exasperated sigh from him.. nothing more. And nothing more because i don't rise to it. I say nothing.. and plod along and get my wheatabix. I'm innately a people pleaser so it's tricky when someone is never pleased!

@SylvanianFrenemies i think the fact my husband was diagnosed as a child means it's just been a part of him for ever rather than this he's diagnosis that is a revelation to him or that he's interested in finding out more about.

*new diagnosis

I feel your pain, my oh is like this and I hardly communicate with him anymore as its just easier not to sometimes. If I ask him to do something he has an answer for everything! He instantly turns things around on me a lot of the time. He is defensive. It's like constantly walking on eggshells.

@HairyKitty yeah same here. Physically can't apologise