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Original poster

Toxic relationship voice recordings

230 replies

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 10:29

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 01/07/2023 21:06

He’s never going to leave first
I’ve just paid for a new window and he refused to contribute until I help pay for the iraq trip

I’m not feeling great today but when I ask for help cleaning he says to stop giving him orders and that he’ll do it when he wants to
sometimes he has been known to clean for a few hours on a Sunday and I myself am quite a messy person he was also like this after I had 2 prior c sections - he didn’t magically step up with the chores I still had to direct him when I got home from hospital .

“you wanted kids so you deal with it “
“I never asked you to make me breakfast “ when I asked for help cleaning breakfast stuff ….

he does see every request for help as a personal attack on him and his time

OP posts:
baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 21:12

Op
YouvE been given good advice and keep finding excuse after excuse not to take it .

Vent away if it helps but there is little point in replying further because you aren't listening.

Original poster
karisa282 · 01/07/2023 21:25

I feel hopeless even divorce won’t get me away from him
well still have to communicate and see each other to discuss kid visits
I might not be able to take them to another part of the uk
hell always know my address
he will tell the kids stuff about me or show the recordings
and I’ll be alone with all bills to pay

or I stay and he pays most the bills

OP posts:
baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 21:33

Op
You are focusing on what ifs and thinking it's easier to stay .

But you haven't explored the alternatives.

The police are not stupid and won't simply take his recordings as gospel. You are in an abusive, controlling relationship. It's up to you if you choose to stay in it .

The police could help out conditions in place that are legally binding, child contact could be arranged though a third party or via the parent contact app - you needn't have any contact with him at all .
You constantly find excuses to stay as you are . Do you want to separate? If you do - you can . This is the law here in the uk - where you live - sharia law doesn't count . The police are well versed in honour and the cultural aspects of your relationship- they could help you navigate that aspect and keep you an the children safe .

What are you going to do
About Iraq ? If you go - you are putting yourself and the children in the most vulnerable position possible- knowingly .

Hollyppp · 01/07/2023 22:23

OP this isn’t going to magically solve itself, you really need a divorce

Original poster
karisa282 · 02/07/2023 08:17

He said one day if kids ask why are you not with mum he will show them the videos to show them what I really am and I can’t allow that
I’m tempted to use his thumb to unlock his phone while he sleeps but he may have emailed the videos to himself

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 09:39

You're choosing to let these videos hold you hostage for the rest of your life.

You need to seek professional help from people with experience of abusive relationships, specially with understanding if the cultural factors at play here, and work with them and the police to leave this man.

I fear you're going to go to Iraq with him and that is not the best thing for you or your children. Not by a long shot. Once you're there you are entirely at his mercy.

Creepyrosemary · 02/07/2023 09:42

Why don't you record his abuse?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 02/07/2023 10:12

You can't do what he says until you're 85 in case he shows your 35 year old kids some ancient videos.

Greenflamesburn · 02/07/2023 10:29

OP you do you. Stop with the excuses, if you wanted out with the advice previously given by myself and others. you would be on the way to leaving him.
He shows them the records you say yes it was an un healthy relationship never get trapped in one.
You know for all 'if buts and maybes, we'd all be Kings and Queens.'
As for bills don't be shallow OP no woman should be financially dependent on a man!
It will be hard you, will cope. With less stress as the man you married won't be there.

PinotPony · 03/07/2023 18:56

God, is this one still going?!

OP, have you taken on board the advice you've been given? What is your plan?

Original poster
karisa282 · 06/07/2023 19:25

I have no evidence

he can tell the police he doesn’t have any recordings
that the contract he made me sign doesn’t exist

I will look looney

hes too smart doesn’t want to send me a copy of the iPad contract

OP posts:
Greenflamesburn · 06/07/2023 20:22

OP that is where you insist you are not Looney.

You don't need evidence that is for the police to get. You just need to put forward a accusation of abuse. Mental and financial. Simple.

Original poster
karisa282 · 06/07/2023 22:43

He will counter it and say I’m abusive and scratched /kicked him and he has
proof that his car is dented
and neither of us will end up with the kids

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 06/07/2023 23:37

@karisa282

People don't lose custody of their children for denting their partners car.

Do you have any idea how high the threshold is for losing custody?

You're nowhere near it. Not even close.

You can either let his threats hold you hostage until your kids are adults (and likely beyond that as you seem to think he'll be believed if he labels you abusive and seem to think that's more important than your children's right to live under a roof without abuse) or let them fuel your determination to leave him.

Notveryhappy1 · 06/07/2023 23:45

Contact Woman's Aid. It will be worth it

jannier · 07/07/2023 12:41

karisa282 · 06/07/2023 22:43

He will counter it and say I’m abusive and scratched /kicked him and he has
proof that his car is dented
and neither of us will end up with the kids

His car can be dented in many ways ...lots of women escape abuse their partners claim all sorts of shit the kids do not go into care....unless you stay in the abuse and refuse to leave.
Your putting up barriers that are not there.

jannier · 07/07/2023 12:42

karisa282 · 06/07/2023 19:25

I have no evidence

he can tell the police he doesn’t have any recordings
that the contract he made me sign doesn’t exist

I will look looney

hes too smart doesn’t want to send me a copy of the iPad contract

Guilt doesn't have to be proved to end a relationship were not Victorians.

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 07/07/2023 12:48

If you are determined to stay a victim and ignore all the good advice on here you cannot be helped.

I feel perhaps if you address your mental health and well being with a doctor/ counselling service, it may make you see matters differently and give you the courage/ push/ impetus to take those first steps. You are both damaging your children. Stop this cycle of abuse NOW.

Greenflamesburn · 07/07/2023 12:52

Do you know how stretched SS are right now.
Removing the children is the last step in a long process. Unless in imitate danger.

Let me guess he told you would lose the kids and so would he.

Greenflamesburn · 07/07/2023 12:56

please look

Toxic relationship voice recordings
ikno · 07/07/2023 13:02

He has calmed down as I told him I will go visit his family

to be blunt, he could have you killed in Iraq. There’s many honour based killings that happen outside of the UK in this manner, it’s easier for them to get away with it in their home country, and your posts don’t read any differently. You should be suspicious that he’s gathered all this evidence against you for years in a clearly turbulent marriage but has suddenly calmed down knowing you will go to Iraq. All he has to do is get you on the plane, you don’t stand a chance of survival once you’re there:

Original poster
karisa282 · 08/07/2023 20:10

Well he can tell police that I scratched him and had meltdowns in the past and he has videos and voice recordings and I have no proof

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 08/07/2023 20:22

People don't lose custody of their children for denting their partners car.

Do you have any idea how high the threshold is for losing custody?

You're nowhere near it. Not even close.

You can either let his threats hold you hostage until your kids are adults (and likely beyond that as you seem to think he'll be believed if he labels you abusive and seem to think that's more important than your children's right to live under a roof without abuse) or let them fuel your determination to leave him.

jannier · 08/07/2023 22:29

karisa282 · 08/07/2023 20:10

Well he can tell police that I scratched him and had meltdowns in the past and he has videos and voice recordings and I have no proof

And you've repeatedly been told by women who have gone through it or ones who have supported others that it doesn't make any negative difference what he has got as proof but you refuse to listen what was the point of asking for support if you really don't want it?