Now that I lost weight , he wants me to gain it back

[Lebruitetlodeur]

I want to say , that firstly English isn't my first language.

I have been using the weight loss of mumsnet category a lot help me, I lost the weight and now that I did he is mad because of it. I asked multiple times "why" he just says "I miss your curves".

When my partner of 7 years, I was already overweight, so I didn't change or anything. Then last July, a year ago nearly, I put gave birth. Lost the baby weight but was still overweight.

He then started saying things about my weight, how he wanted a skinniet wife who wears bodycons and "looks good in them". Because I had a couple. He gave me an ultimatum "You lose the weight or your baby will be fatherless". It's painful for me because I am fatherless. So I did everything I could, and lost the weight. Wore his stupid clothes he wanted so bad, hear shit like " I am so proud to have a hot wife".

Then 2 weeks ago, he said I have to put on the weight again, because he doesn't find me as attractive with all the loose skin, my smaller breasts. That when he asked me to get skinnier he envisaged something else. A wife that can wear bikinis on the beach but that I'd look ridiculous with all the loose skin. Either I put on weight, either he leaves me and his daughter.

Any advice??

He will not coparent, he just told me he'd go back to his home country, Malaysia and forget about his baby.

To be honest OP, if he would leave the country if you split up, rather than stick around to still co-parent then he doesn't deserve to be in your daughters life and is no kind of father.

He sees her as an extension of his control of you, not a whole, individual, lovely, innocent little human being he has a duty of care to.

Can you imagine loving your child conditionally? Of only 'loving' them enough to see them if they come complete with a partner for you?

He's disgusting.

In my opinion, because he is an abusive, misogynist, sexist pig who manipulates and emotionally abuses you, him leaving the country and getting out of your daughter's life would be something to celebrate in the long run not some sort of tragedy.

If she grows up watching you in this relationship she will likely replicate this relationship dynamic herself as an adult. Imagine how heartbreaking it would be to see that happen.

Instead, you can end the relationship and work on yourself and your self esteem to show her what a secure, confident woman looks like. One who doesn't need to be in a relationship to be happy and independent.

She will then be in the best position possible for a young woman - comfortable being single and independent and only willing to have a relationship if it is a healthy, happy, brilliant one.

So I failed

You haven't failed. He has.

He will not coparent, he just told me he'd go back to his home country, Malaysia and forget about his baby.

What a loser of a parent.

What parent would leave and forget about their child...... He's such a shit waste of space parent.

There are plenty of men not like him.

He sees her as an extension of his control of you, not a whole, individual, lovely, innocent little human being he has a duty of care to.

*Can you imagine loving your child conditionally? Of only 'loving' them enough to see them if they come complete with a partner for you?

He's disgusting.*

Exactly.

She's an object to him.

A tool for manipulation.

A non entity.

He's got to be a psychopath of some sort.

Yes. Tell him to fuck right off. And please yourself from now on, not any man!!

He failed. Not you.

He sounds awful!! Are you really going to show your daughter that it's OK to be with a controlling arsehole?

Of course it does he doesn't want you to leave because then he'd lose his free housekeeper!
He's horrible and manipulative, get rid!

He's a joke of a person, ridiculous infantile manipulation.
Just ignore him and hope he fucks off, then you can have a party 🥳

What is strange is even after I texted him I won't put on weight he texted a cute text. Lots of slang so I will translated with regular English

"Baby, you are perfect the way you are. Don't put any weight on, small breasts are fine , so is the loose skin. Let's give baby name a happy household. Want to go to the restaurant Friday night? *

Either everything is fixed or I am crazy.

Oh well, that's ok then...
NO IT IS NOT!

Your child will grow up thinking her fathers behaviour is normal and it is not.
No father sounds better than having a controlling cruel monster as one
He is abusive and any amount of buying you gifts will never make up for it
If you stay it will only get worse, this is who he is !

He has no respect for you and in the end he will leave you with none for yourself

It's not fixed and you aren't crazy.

It's a textbook stage of a textbook abuse cycle.

Do you recognise the process in this picture?

This is how he keeps you hanging on.

Nothing strange about that

It is all for show. Do you think if he behaved the way he does with you that they wouldn’t have helped you leave by now

i would lose even more weight by getting rid of this weight around your neck by telling him to go.

Then you can have the male and female friends and not have to think about what his next demands will be and I guarantee you and your Dd will be so much happier.

He knows that you will do anything to prevent your daughter being fatherless so he has threatened it and you lost weight now he is threatening it again and he expects you to follow his orders. Or else… Ask yourself where you draw the line in the sand. What could he possibly ask you before you say no to him.

If you want a relationship with your husband and don’t want to leave because it will leave your daughter fatherless then stay but you will eventually lose your daughter

If you want to have your daughter in your life forever more and for your daughter and you to have a much happier life then divorce your husband

Their are worse things about growing up without a father.

That is growing up in a household where you have an abusive parent and a parent who will do anything to keep the abuser.
Your daughter will understand what you did by staying and as soon as she can she will leave both of her abusers.

You have to make a choice

Better to be Fatherless than to grow up with a Father who abuses your mum, makes vile comments about her body and then possibly will go on make vile comments about her own body when she is older.

I have been with my husband for 20 years and my weight has yo-yoed over the years. I have been a super fit size 10 and then up to a size 18 and very unfit after having babies. I’m somewhere in between now. But at all times my husband has complimented the way I look. This is what a decent man should do.

He doesn't have to hit you to be an abuser. There are four types of abuse: physical; psychological; financial; and sexual. He is being psychologically abusive and controlling.

See also love bombing. Being horrible, then being really nice so you think he's not so bad after all.

You said earlier you were not allowed male friends so your daughter would have no good male role models. If you were without this man, you could absolutely have male friends.

Just to pick you up on the issue of your DD not having male role models if you leave him - you're quite wrong. If you leave, you will be allowed to have friendships with males. Good, decent ones who respect women. That is what you want your DD to see.

Staying with your current espece de con on the other hand means he will be her only role model...

That’s not what I meant, apologies if it came across that way.

You haven’t done anything wrong. He is what’s wrong.

You and your dd can absolutely have a happy life without him in it.

I have two young daughters and I worry one day his view will affect them he will get them to chant fatty bom bom and stuff like that which I have told him is completely unacceptable.

How can you ever hope to drag your kids up proper when they're being exposed to such a contaminating influence?

If you got a divorce, do you think he'd want 50% custody?

Good God woman get some self respect and teach your daughter some self respect!

Do you want her growing up considering this level of control and emotional abuse to be normal? To think that this is what she should expect from a relationship and that this is how normal men treat women? I'm betting not! Set an example for her now that it is better to be single and happy than with a man who abuses you. Because how you allow yourself to be treated is what she will take from this and internalise.

It's important for girls to have a good male role model in their lives. This does not have to be a father. Fatherless is better than a father who abuses your mother and warps your own sense of what is normal.

Zombie thread

Wtf dug this up?

This makes me sad - who tf does he think he is? Get rid of him, I'm sure you deserve better.

OP can I ask how you would react if he did this to your DD? Told her she needed to lose weight - to live up to his warped view of women - then dumped on criticism that she still wasn’t the ‘ideal/perfect’ vision of a female he holds? I’m hoping that in that scenario you would be outraged and furious and defensive of your DD? If so then react the same for yourself- he is at best a self indulgent self obsessed narcissist and at worst a misogynist who should be’ kept away’ from all women including his own wife and daughter! Xxx

Dunno but they're running with it

Why have you posted on a 6 month old thread?