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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now that I lost weight , he wants me to gain it back

153 replies

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:08

I want to say , that firstly English isn't my first language.

I have been using the weight loss of mumsnet category a lot help me, I lost the weight and now that I did he is mad because of it. I asked multiple times "why" he just says "I miss your curves".

When my partner of 7 years, I was already overweight, so I didn't change or anything. Then last July, a year ago nearly, I put gave birth. Lost the baby weight but was still overweight.

He then started saying things about my weight, how he wanted a skinniet wife who wears bodycons and "looks good in them". Because I had a couple. He gave me an ultimatum "You lose the weight or your baby will be fatherless". It's painful for me because I am fatherless. So I did everything I could, and lost the weight. Wore his stupid clothes he wanted so bad, hear shit like " I am so proud to have a hot wife".

Then 2 weeks ago, he said I have to put on the weight again, because he doesn't find me as attractive with all the loose skin, my smaller breasts. That when he asked me to get skinnier he envisaged something else. A wife that can wear bikinis on the beach but that I'd look ridiculous with all the loose skin. Either I put on weight, either he leaves me and his daughter.

Any advice??

OP posts:
workemails · 07/06/2023 14:51

He gave me an ultimatum "You lose the weight or your baby will be fatherless".

this is the point you should have walked away. the rest doesnt matter. walk away

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 07/06/2023 14:52

"I am not allowed male friends." As so often happens on these threads, the specific issue (his Negging about your body in this case) turns out to be just the tip of the iceberg.

He can be a good father to your daughter after you divorce - that's his choice. For your daughter's sake please show her this kind of man is not to be tolerated and leave.

Are you in the UK? Is it a UK marriage? Can you separate/divorce?

RolosGalore · 07/06/2023 14:53

You’re being abused. Please leave him. Your daughter will be much better off living in a home where there’s no abuse. You’re harming your daughter by staying with this man.

Mama2six · 07/06/2023 14:53

The only weight you should lose is that so called relationship

Bb234 · 07/06/2023 14:55

Leave him!!!!

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2023 14:57

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:31

He's not always horrible. When I get mad or tell me to f off and leave then he actually apologises , buy me gifts.

Show quote history

He's a pig, actually.

And a typical abuser

Do you want him to treat your DD like that too?

MumblesParty · 07/06/2023 14:57

It's better to have no father than a shit one.
I know you are doing what you think is right, but you are harming your daughter by staying with this man. He is teaching your daughter terrible things.

My children have no father. I actually find it quite insulting that you think your situation is better than mine. My kids are loved and respected, and they never have to see their mother being treated like dirt.

Justchooseone · 07/06/2023 14:57

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:31

He's not always horrible. When I get mad or tell me to f off and leave then he actually apologises , buy me gifts.

Show quote history

This is classic abusive behaviour, OP. Look up the wheel of abuse. And leave him, before your child gets the idea this is a normal relationship. They will be better off without him, I promise

Elliania · 07/06/2023 14:59

Your daughter is going to grow up thinking this is how men treat women. So she'll be OK ending up with a man who treats her like this. Is that what you want for her? And what if you have another child with him & it's a boy? That boy will grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat women.

astronuts · 07/06/2023 15:00

You and your daughter deserve better. I'd not want someone like that bringing my daughter up.

Mirabai · 07/06/2023 15:00

Que ses oreilles deviennent trous de cul et chier sur les épaules.

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:01

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 07/06/2023 14:52

"I am not allowed male friends." As so often happens on these threads, the specific issue (his Negging about your body in this case) turns out to be just the tip of the iceberg.

He can be a good father to your daughter after you divorce - that's his choice. For your daughter's sake please show her this kind of man is not to be tolerated and leave.

Are you in the UK? Is it a UK marriage? Can you separate/divorce?

I am French, and we are not married. He is not a bad father, he does everything a father is supposed to do, play ; take her to the doctor; pickup etc... and I will deprive her from all that.

Maybe I project my fatherless issues too much on my baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:04

Elliania · 07/06/2023 14:59

Your daughter is going to grow up thinking this is how men treat women. So she'll be OK ending up with a man who treats her like this. Is that what you want for her? And what if you have another child with him & it's a boy? That boy will grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat women.

I am not going to have another baby with him. But I wanted to say, my baby isn't one yet so maybe I can deal with it until she is 7 or 8 and try to fix it or leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:05

Mirabai · 07/06/2023 15:00

Que ses oreilles deviennent trous de cul et chier sur les épaules.

Merci, tu m'as fais rire.

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 07/06/2023 15:07

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:04

I am not going to have another baby with him. But I wanted to say, my baby isn't one yet so maybe I can deal with it until she is 7 or 8 and try to fix it or leave.

Show quote history

By then the damage will have been done. You and your child deserve so much better, don’t let this abuser raise her to think that this is what a relationship is.

Leave now and she won’t remember how he treats you or think that it’s okay.

ElmTree22 · 07/06/2023 15:09

This was so sad to read!

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:09

MumblesParty · 07/06/2023 14:57

It's better to have no father than a shit one.
I know you are doing what you think is right, but you are harming your daughter by staying with this man. He is teaching your daughter terrible things.

My children have no father. I actually find it quite insulting that you think your situation is better than mine. My kids are loved and respected, and they never have to see their mother being treated like dirt.

I am sorry if my post insulted any single mom/mom who's children are fatherless. This is just my situation, I never said I was better than anyone. It's just that I don't want a child that is like me. Being fatherless wasn't a good thing for me.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 07/06/2023 15:10

Splitting with your partner does not make your child 'fatherless', OP.
Well, not unless you kill him. (Best not to)
She can still see him!

Bookendortwo · 07/06/2023 15:12

My father was similar to what you described and as we got older treated us like he did my mum. They are separated now but we are all adults. Mum now says she thought she was doing the best for us by staying, she now realises that was wrong. Please don't think by staying you are doing right by your daughter.
My dc have no father or father figure but see that that is better than some of their friends who have difficult relationships with their fathers.
It's not perfect but my teenage dc all say its best to have no df than one that is going to psychologically damage your mother/ the dc.

Mariposista · 07/06/2023 15:13

Believe me, your daughter is better off with no father in her life than an abusive piece of (insert word I am too polite to say) like that.

Newlydivorcedyay · 07/06/2023 15:13

kingtamponthefurred · 07/06/2023 14:37

Since you have asked for advice, mine is: get over the idea that 'fatherless' is the worst thing that can happen to a child and don't bring you daughter up with this man in the household.

This is the best answer
And I stuck out a toxic marriage "for the sake of he kids" - recently divorced and it's the best (including for the kids)

BonnieBobbin · 07/06/2023 15:13

There's more to being a father than being a biological dad. Your DH isn't acting like a father. He's being horrible and abusive to you. That isn't what a good father does.
Maybe you could think about what a 'good father' is. I'm sure that's really what you wanted when you were growing up. You didn't want a father who was abusive to you or your DM.

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:16

What's strange is that he is never moody or get angry in front of my sisters, friends. Everyone love him, and my own family struggles to believe me when I tell them he is mean to me. I feel crazy.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 07/06/2023 15:17

Ditch the man, you’ll lose a hell of a lot of weight that way. Disgusting abusive prick of an arse he is.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 07/06/2023 15:17

But I wanted to say, my baby isn't one yet so maybe I can deal with it until she is 7 or 8 and try to fix it or leave.

You and your child will truly live a miserable life up until then. I hope you find the strength to leave much sooner than then

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