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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Now that I lost weight , he wants me to gain it back

153 replies

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:08

I want to say , that firstly English isn't my first language.

I have been using the weight loss of mumsnet category a lot help me, I lost the weight and now that I did he is mad because of it. I asked multiple times "why" he just says "I miss your curves".

When my partner of 7 years, I was already overweight, so I didn't change or anything. Then last July, a year ago nearly, I put gave birth. Lost the baby weight but was still overweight.

He then started saying things about my weight, how he wanted a skinniet wife who wears bodycons and "looks good in them". Because I had a couple. He gave me an ultimatum "You lose the weight or your baby will be fatherless". It's painful for me because I am fatherless. So I did everything I could, and lost the weight. Wore his stupid clothes he wanted so bad, hear shit like " I am so proud to have a hot wife".

Then 2 weeks ago, he said I have to put on the weight again, because he doesn't find me as attractive with all the loose skin, my smaller breasts. That when he asked me to get skinnier he envisaged something else. A wife that can wear bikinis on the beach but that I'd look ridiculous with all the loose skin. Either I put on weight, either he leaves me and his daughter.

Any advice??

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 07/06/2023 16:29

I think you should lose another (insert how many stones here) by chucking him out. Appalling behaviour!

SultanOfSwing · 07/06/2023 16:30

If this man chooses not to be a father to his child because you won’t lose or gain weight at his whim, then it is not you who deprives your child of a father.

It is he who deprives your child of a father. He chooses to walk away from both of you.

But that is not what is really happening. He knows that this is important to you so he is using his own child to try to control you.

Your daughter will be much better off without him. The lessons he will teach her about relationships will not be healthy or good.

Nyna · 07/06/2023 16:31

My partner doesn’t buy me gifts after he says those awful things because he would never say those awful things. I think you should rethink what being “nice” is.

I think having to see those things as a child is worse than him just leaving. And say that though I also had a dad who left and made similar vows to myself…

Joeylove88 · 07/06/2023 16:46

He is scum!
I have gone my entire life with no father so I understand your pain on this but he is incredibly controlling and who's to say that you do everything he asks to stop him carrying out his threats but one day he just decides to up and leave anyway?
I would be ditching him fast but leave it completely open for him to carry on his relationship with his daughter and let him decide if he's going to grow the f*ck up and be a dad or if he's going to bail. I know it hurts to think of your daughter not having her dad but you also can't let her grow up watching her father bullying and manipulating her mother. It's going to be up to you to show her what to do when people are nasty and toxic. She will thank you for it in the end. Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 07/06/2023 19:20

You’re not allowed male friends and he wants you to regain the weight because he is Mr Insecure. Laisse tomber, il est paranoiaque et abuseur. C’est pas un mec que tu veux dans la vie de ta fille.

anothermamaa · 07/06/2023 21:39

Op. As pp have said, it is better for your daughter to NOT SEE HER MOTHER BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT. Most important age for child development is 0-3 ... she is picking everything up that happens around her. I still have trauma from that age.

Please. Read. This:

ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

booksandbrooks · 07/06/2023 21:42

You don't stay with a man like that for your child, you leave them to keep your child safe from growing up thinking that behaviour is acceptable.

anothermamaa · 07/06/2023 21:45

Honestly this breaks my heart reading this. Please take the advice here. I can't believe men can still treat women like this and get away with it. Don't make your daughter part of this toxic generational cycle xxx

Hadjab · 08/06/2023 06:28

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:44

Non non non non non. The last thing I want is for my daughter to be with a man like her father. Wow writing this sentence is , I don't know which word to use.

There is no other role male models in her life though. Uncles, grandfather. I am not allowed male friends.

Every update you give just gets worse. You have to put on weight and you’re not allowed male friends? Oh, and he buys you presents when he’s been a dick, so that makes it all better?

ButterflyOil · 08/06/2023 06:34

You’re not too sensitive and he has no right to use his OWN CHILD as a threat to get you to change your body to suit his ideals about what he wants his partner to look like. This is control pure and simple, if it wasn’t your weight it would be your hair or your clothing or your hobbies or any other thing he can tell you to change.

It’s disgusting he’s willing to threaten to not be a father to his own child, if he actually carried that out HE would be depriving her of a father, not you. Honestly, he knows how desperate you are for your daughter to have an involved and present father and is using her to control you.

That’s not a good father - if he was truly a good father he’d be committed to being there for his daughter no matter what.

FatCatBum · 08/06/2023 07:59

He is not a bad father, he does everything a father is supposed to do, play ; take her to the doctor; pickup etc... and I will deprive her from all that.

But you will protect her from the self esteem issues that he will leave her with when he starts on her (which he will because these type of people can't help themselves)

You will demonstrate that being with no-one is better than being with someone who constantly puts her down, or controls who she is allowed to be friends with.

If he's a 'good father' (and what you describe is bare minimum parenting) he can still do all of this as a co-parent. You do not have to suffer through a controlling abusive relationship

LuciferRising · 08/06/2023 08:07

Please don't model a bad and abusive relationship for your daughter. She'll think it is the norm. You need to protect her from the shit of men. And that may mean being fatherless. All she needs is you. You just need to believe it.

Zanatdy · 08/06/2023 08:13

God don’t let your daughter grow up with a man who is happy to not see his own child if his wife doesn’t do what he asks. So you don’t lose weight, he leaves you both. What kind of man is he? Contact women’s aid and get well away from him, if it’s not this it will be someone else and you’re teaching your daughter this is how men treat women

frazzledasarock · 08/06/2023 08:17

You seem to be carrying a lot of your own trauma from being ‘fatherless’.

Why is growing up without a father such a big issue, what do you feel you missed out on?

my older dc I suppose are ‘fatherless’. We are incredibly close due to the years it was just us. I’m now remarried and my dc love my husband and call him dad (their choice).

What is it that your abusive partner brings to your child’s life that she won’t have if he’s not living with you?

Nutterjacks · 08/06/2023 08:26

You were not put on this earth to be this narcs eye candy! He doesn't deserve you and, you are not doing you or your child any good staying with him.
You need to leave him, and the sooner the better.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 08/06/2023 08:29

Your poor child needs to not have this vile man in his life and you deserve much much better than the evil controlling bastard you are living with.

mondaytosunday · 08/06/2023 09:33

The kind of man who would abandon his child because he split up with his mother is not the kind of father figure your child needs.

perfectcolourfound · 08/06/2023 09:48

I feel so angry my chest is pumping reading your posts, @Lebruitetlodeur

This man is controlling. You are not too sensitive. You are responding perfectly normally to someone abusing you.

He stops you having male friends.
He is cruel about your weight and tells you to lose weight
He threatens to leave you, and to make your baby 'fatherless' unless you lose weight.
What man does that? He clearly doesn't think much of your child if he would leave them. Any loving father, even if he split from the mother, would still be a father to their child.
But no, he made that threat beacuse he knows it's a sore point for you. Being fatherless was your idea of worst case - so he threatens you with it.
So you lose the weight, and now he wants you to put it back on, and makes threats again.

Can you see how crazy his actions are? For a start, he doesn't have any say over the size of your body. It's YOUR body, not his. Yours to do as you please. Secondly, he is clearly just using this as a way of controlling you for the sake of it. When you are overweight, he insists you get thin. When you are think, he inists you put weight on. It isn't about the weight for him, it's about controlling you.

This is not a good man. He is abusive. He is controlling. He sees you as his property, not his respected equal. He is a very bad role model to your child. Do you want her to grow up thinking this is how men shoudl treat her? What would you advise her if she was in your position?

If you leave him, he can still be a good father. Separated parents are both still parents. I know plenty of people whose parents split, and who are still close to both parents many years later.

If after splitting he isn't interested in her, then he was never that interested in the first place, and would have let her down at some point. And frankly, it's miuch better if he does that now than when she is older. Now, she is young and will know no different. She will have a lovely life with her lovely mum, teaching her how to value herself and not be controlled by any man.

Please leave him. For you and for your daughter's sake. He won't get better. The longer you stay, the more he will grind you down (and make you think you're crazy), the more influence he will have on your daughter, the more chance she will end up with someone like him when she grows up.

You aren't crazy. You are reacting normally to an abuser. Abusers pretend to be nice to everyone else - that's how they get away with it.

Confide in someone you trust in real life. Stop listening to him. He isn't acting in your best interests. Remember your body is YOURS. Remember your daughter will learn about adult relationships from watching yours. Build yourself up, value yourself and leave this awful man.

Katiesaidthat · 08/06/2023 10:08

Why are you with this wanker?
This is what you want to teach your daughter? That she has to accept being treated like shite because she doesnt get treated like shite ALL the time?
This is unacceptable. Better be separated than having such an awful role model for your daughter.

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/06/2023 10:20

You're not an object or doll.

He appears to see you as one.

His threat to make your dd "fatherless" if you dudbt change to look how he wanted at that time is despicable.

He should be a father to his child whether you are in a relationship or not.

He is a father and that is his responsibility.

He is a flaky, stupid idiot for "changing his mind" after blackmailing you to lose weight.

He must have a personality disorder. No-one could be this shallow and nasty without one.

He is an abuser.

He is not going to be a good role model and Dad to your dd.
He just couldn't be.

Get the fuck tmrid of him. Tell him if he chooses not to see his dd, that is his choice and his fault and his failure.

Honestly she'd be better seeing as little of him as possible because he's a shallow, nasty, stupid, abusive bastard.

TheoTheopolis23 · 08/06/2023 10:21

I feel so angry my chest is pumping reading your posts

Me too.

newtb · 08/06/2023 10:27

Il y qu'un mot pour lui - conasse - à mon avis

HeadacheEarthquake · 08/06/2023 10:33

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:30

I am ok being partnerless but not ok with my daughter being fatherless. I always promise myself that if I have child s/he wouldn't be like me. Feel like I failed.

I'd rather my daughter was fatherless than had this scum for a dad.

How isbhe gonna treat her? If he using that as a threat then he doesn't love her. Or you. Get rid of him, wake up!

TattyOne · 08/06/2023 10:45

Tell that sexist chauvinistic twisted bag of s* to go to hell.
You and the baby are far better off without him.
He's completely and utterly obsessed with, and in love with himself, he's never given a hoot for you or the little one, only thinks of himself.
He's a control freak who thinks women are only put on this earth to cater for men.
It's YOUR body, NOT HIS. He, or any other man, has absolutely no right to tell you what you can and can't do with it.
He hates you being bigger, he hates you being smaller, you literally can't win either way.
You've given birth so your body is taking on it's own shape now, it's like when that repulsive turd Trump told Melania he'll ''give her a week to get rid of the weight'' after giving birth, then he moaned because some women get huge and end up at 17 stone. It can take from 3-12 months to lose the baby weight, this is coming from me who has chosen never to be a mother but even I know you can't just dump the weight as soon as the baby comes out!
''Your baby will be fatherless''.... she's already fatherless ... he'd made it very clear he's not a father to her or a partner to you. He's married to himself so he should get a room.
I don't know how you've stuck with that moron for 7 years, you must be exceptionally brave and brilliant.
It's better to be a single mother than be with a pile of vomit like him.
PLEASE DUMP HIM and fight him all the way if he wants custody of your daughter.

AgnesX · 08/06/2023 10:50

Has he got some redeeming features because he sounds like a complete arse. You're a human being not a commodity to be displayed or changed about like a Barbie doll.

Unless he's the bread winner you'd do better by losing that bit of excess weight.