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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now that I lost weight , he wants me to gain it back

153 replies

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 14:08

I want to say , that firstly English isn't my first language.

I have been using the weight loss of mumsnet category a lot help me, I lost the weight and now that I did he is mad because of it. I asked multiple times "why" he just says "I miss your curves".

When my partner of 7 years, I was already overweight, so I didn't change or anything. Then last July, a year ago nearly, I put gave birth. Lost the baby weight but was still overweight.

He then started saying things about my weight, how he wanted a skinniet wife who wears bodycons and "looks good in them". Because I had a couple. He gave me an ultimatum "You lose the weight or your baby will be fatherless". It's painful for me because I am fatherless. So I did everything I could, and lost the weight. Wore his stupid clothes he wanted so bad, hear shit like " I am so proud to have a hot wife".

Then 2 weeks ago, he said I have to put on the weight again, because he doesn't find me as attractive with all the loose skin, my smaller breasts. That when he asked me to get skinnier he envisaged something else. A wife that can wear bikinis on the beach but that I'd look ridiculous with all the loose skin. Either I put on weight, either he leaves me and his daughter.

Any advice??

OP posts:
Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:22

Bookendortwo · 07/06/2023 15:12

My father was similar to what you described and as we got older treated us like he did my mum. They are separated now but we are all adults. Mum now says she thought she was doing the best for us by staying, she now realises that was wrong. Please don't think by staying you are doing right by your daughter.
My dc have no father or father figure but see that that is better than some of their friends who have difficult relationships with their fathers.
It's not perfect but my teenage dc all say its best to have no df than one that is going to psychologically damage your mother/ the dc.

I am sorry you had to go through that. I grew up without a father and I personally hated it, the difference is that I don't know him. So I can idealise him. I am not going to put on weight, thanks everyone for helping make that decision. So hopefully he leaves.

OP posts:
bigsquidlittlesquid · 07/06/2023 15:25

oh my word op!! please leave. your baby will be so much happier fatherless but with a happy and free mum, than having a father who abuses her mum!! please leave you are worth so much more than this

butterpuffed · 07/06/2023 15:25

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:16

What's strange is that he is never moody or get angry in front of my sisters, friends. Everyone love him, and my own family struggles to believe me when I tell them he is mean to me. I feel crazy.

That's not strange , it's typical of many abusers . They show a different face to the world and not who they really are .

pontipinemum · 07/06/2023 15:29

I grew up without a father, he left when I was a toddler. So I do get it. I always wanted to have the 'perfect' family for my DC.

But your partner sounds like an absolute prick.

I had a sort of step dad for a while. He used to insult my mums weight a lot. Also everything had to be very particular with him. He would also say things about my weight/ size. When I look at pics of myself as a teen I can see bones coming out I was so thin. He gave me a very warped idea of what I should do in order to get the love of a man, I can tell you know they were not the right things!!

Your DD will think that if a man says jump she should say how high, or no man will want her.

Mooselaurels · 07/06/2023 15:33

This sounds like an excellent opportunity to lose a lot more dead weight in a very short space of time...

NutellaNut · 07/06/2023 15:34

He sounds horribly abusive and controlling. Even if you put the weight back on, the chances are he’ll still not be happy and be critical. I’m sorry to say this relationship sounds doomed. He’ll find more and more ways to control you and put you down. Seriously, I’d be rethinking the relationship. It won’t get any better, only worse and you deserve so much more. Do you seriously want to put up with this shit for years? Better to end it now while your child is young enough to adapt.

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:34

butterpuffed · 07/06/2023 15:25

That's not strange , it's typical of many abusers . They show a different face to the world and not who they really are .

Show quote history

Oh maybe I am too sensitive?

OP posts:
ejbaxa · 07/06/2023 15:34

It's better to be fatherless than have a really horrible father

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:37

NutellaNut · 07/06/2023 15:34

He sounds horribly abusive and controlling. Even if you put the weight back on, the chances are he’ll still not be happy and be critical. I’m sorry to say this relationship sounds doomed. He’ll find more and more ways to control you and put you down. Seriously, I’d be rethinking the relationship. It won’t get any better, only worse and you deserve so much more. Do you seriously want to put up with this shit for years? Better to end it now while your child is young enough to adapt.

To be honest, if so many people think he is abusing, then I am not too sensitive. I took courses to be less sensitive but I still find him mean and offensive. I sure don't want my daughter to be like me.

OP posts:
zoomiesdrivememad · 07/06/2023 15:38

Oh god this is awful.

No-one should dictate to you whether you loose or gain weight! That is your choice and your choice only.

Tell him you will not be gaining the weight back because you want to stay healthy for your child. That being overweight has health concerns which you are not willing to risk and if he doesn't accept you as you are, then that is his problem.

My bet is he won't leave you, because what other woman would let him have this control over them?

In the meantime though, see if you can save some money and start preparing to leave him.

An absent father is better than one who is emotionally abusive to their mother. Imagine if in time he starts instructing her the same as she gets to her teenage years.

Original poster
Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:38

ejbaxa · 07/06/2023 15:34

It's better to be fatherless than have a really horrible father

I don't know why I keep thinking about when she will be 16 or 17 and tell me how I messed up. I did it to my mother.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 07/06/2023 15:39

Lebruitetlodeur · 07/06/2023 15:34

Oh maybe I am too sensitive?

Show quote history

No you're not .

User57632678372 · 07/06/2023 15:39

You need to leave this horrible man. If leaving him means your daughter becomes “fatherless” then that is entirely his choice - many men split from the mothers of their children and maintain their relationship with the child because they want to. If he won’t do this it’s because he doesn’t want to, and therefore your child will be better off without.

He can then deal with the repercussions in the future of explaining to your daughter that he sabotaged his relationship with her because her mum had a bit of loose skin. I can only imagine what she’ll think of that!

Turfwars · 07/06/2023 15:46

He is not a bad father, he does everything a father is supposed to do, play ; take her to the doctor; pickup etc... and I will deprive her from all that.

There are plenty of fathers out there who are not in a relationship with the mother but are committed and devoted to their children.

If he leaves because the rules he makes up for you are impossible, he's doing it because he chooses to not be a father any more. You aren't depriving her of anything.

What next? What if he tells you he wants you to join a new religion or fulfill some fantasy for him otherwise he'll leave and your child will be fatherless?

Do you not see that he is using your biggest fear for your DD against you to control and destroy you?

forgotmyusername1 · 07/06/2023 15:48

you should lose another 12 stone - the husband

TheCatterall · 07/06/2023 15:49

@Lebruitetlodeur massive hugs.

So you’ve lost the weight and feel healthier.

and now he’s not happy as he feels threatened and his way of controlling you and manipulating you is again to
threaten to leave your child fatherless knowing it’s a trigger of yours.

he’s controlling and manipulative.

this is abusive.

you aren’t ‘allowed’ make friends etc. further signals of his controlling behaviour.

please make plans to leave. Be strong. You can be the role model your child needs. You can make friends and have family that are role models your child needs. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female. Just adults that have healthy relationships with others.

good luck.

Heartsnrainbows · 07/06/2023 15:50

You should leave him. If you don't you are letting your daughter grow up thinking that this is what she can expect from a man. That they can treat her like dirt, put her down and blackmail her, treat her like a possession and that is totally OK. Hell no. She'd be better off without that influence.

Crazydoglady1980 · 07/06/2023 15:54

Please don’t wait for him to leave, the chances are he won’t as he knows other people won’t put up with his behaviour.
You and your Daughter deserve better, she is only little now but she will be watching and learning how the world works through what she sees at home.
I don’t know what your circumstances were that lead to you not having a father in your life, and I don’t want to know but you don’t know what your life would have been like if he was involved. However people can share what is likely to happen if you stay with your daughters father and it is likely to hurt your daughter in the future

TheCyclingGorilla · 07/06/2023 15:57

I think your instincts around all this are correct OP. Trust them. Do the right thing.

Hubblebubble · 07/06/2023 15:57

I'm not in a relationship with my sons father. My son is not fatherless. His dad is still his dad. If your abusive partner wants to continue to be a dad, he can do that. You can share custody.

EVHead · 07/06/2023 16:03

Mirabai · 07/06/2023 15:00

Que ses oreilles deviennent trous de cul et chier sur les épaules.

😂

DeadbeatYoda · 07/06/2023 16:09

Tell him not to let the door hit him up the jaxi on his way out then. Don't fool yourself, he will make his children feel just as badly as he makes you feel. Do you want that for them?

Bournetilly · 07/06/2023 16:18

Leave him!

Mumof118 · 07/06/2023 16:20

He sounds controlling and a bit thick in equal measure to be honest.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/06/2023 16:21

Even if you did gain the weight to please him, I think he'd find another issue to find fault with
The only thing he should care about is your health
I'd actually leave and choose what you want your body to look like. He doesn't own you, and it's damaging for your DD to think this is ok as she grows up