How did you find out your dh or dp were cheating?

Losforwords · 2023-06-06T10:56:21+00:00

As the title says, I am just curious really as I have a really strong gut feeling but no firm evidence.

gardenweed · 06/06/2023 12:01

I didn't have the first inkling until something utterly trivial made me stop and think. It was a message from her referring to something in our life which I couldn't work out how she could have possibly known (unless he had been in secret contact with her). From there, I backtracked and realised there were loads of things that I had taken at face value that were actually red flags.
What triggered your gut feeling?

Specso · 06/06/2023 12:07

My friend only found out afterwards but tied herself in knots for about 18 months having that ‘gut feeling’ but no evidence.

By the end he was moody, distant, picking fights with her and her kids and generally being a complete arse. She reluctantly agreed they should split and a few weeks later the ow appeared.

It seems a lot of the people who cheat are so determined not to admit anything OR be the one to end it that they’ll play the long game as long as it takes to force their partner to end it so they can then get on with their new life looking reasonably decent (in their eyes)

I think if she’d have been more determined she could have done things like having him followed etc but she didn’t want it to be true at the time I think.

SummerLovingDays · 06/06/2023 12:09

My friend found out about her husbands affair because I saw him typing I love you to some girl on his phone.
My friend was sitting near me and I knew he wasn't typing it to her.
I had to tell my friend what I saw ( a couple of days later). He spun her some story. She then started looking out for things - he used to go out 'running' a lot or spend extra time in the bathroom on his phone. He also went on a lot of work conferences.

Eventually she got his phone records ( this was a while back) and she could see he was texting and calling this girl loads. My friend had been in hospital and whilst he was sitting at her bedside she could she from the phone records he had been texting this other girl.
She confronted him and he admitted it all. It was a girl from work who also had a fiancé.

Anyway my friend took him back and they have kids together.

Wallywobbles · 06/06/2023 12:11

I didn't. He told a mutuel friend that I knew about it, so she told me by accident. It made sense of so many things. But he still lied about the duration which was confusing particularly as we were already divorced. Eventually he fell I into a trap of his own lies. Everything made so much more sense and it allowed me to get on with my life.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 06/06/2023 12:13

Classic red flags but I made excuses for them all. Working out more, more social events, cancelling on me last minute via text rather than call. Flimsy excuses, half conversations that he was obviously having with someone else, ie. Sure that he told me x but actually didn't. His kisses changed the way he touched me, certain things he would say. Like he wanted me to know so I would end it and he didn't have to. As in he was feeling guilty or that he didn't want to add anymore stress on to me, he offered to walk away and disappear to help...just very weird conversations.

I called him out on it several times, he gaslit and manipulated my feeling so much so that I believed I was being paranoid and controlling. He ended up ghosting me, lying to me and trying to continue the lie even when I knew he went on holiday with another woman. Never spoke to him again. Couple of texts exchanges but he didn't even respect me enough to have a conversation face to face.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 06/06/2023 12:14

The gut feeling was noticing small changes he was making...another one was no good morning text at 6 am

Menopants · 06/06/2023 12:18

Sudden interest in his appearance. Picking fights with me over things that had happened years ago, refusing any help from me or to to anything nice with me. I thought I was the horrible monster he suddenly told me I was and started having therapy. It was like a jigsaw puzzle that he was secretly messing up and hiding the piece off fell into place. I hacked into his messages (not proud) and he had been having an affair. Cunt

BodegaSushi · 06/06/2023 12:35

SummerLovingDays · 06/06/2023 12:09

My friend found out about her husbands affair because I saw him typing I love you to some girl on his phone.
My friend was sitting near me and I knew he wasn't typing it to her.
I had to tell my friend what I saw ( a couple of days later). He spun her some story. She then started looking out for things - he used to go out 'running' a lot or spend extra time in the bathroom on his phone. He also went on a lot of work conferences.

Eventually she got his phone records ( this was a while back) and she could see he was texting and calling this girl loads. My friend had been in hospital and whilst he was sitting at her bedside she could she from the phone records he had been texting this other girl.
She confronted him and he admitted it all. It was a girl from work who also had a fiancé.

Anyway my friend took him back and they have kids together.

Wow what a plot twist

dilyswren · 06/06/2023 12:40

Ex husband. Phone records (mobile), when the phone company used to send a letter. Literally hundreds of text messages, day and night, to the same number.

He actually denied anything going on. Then photos were uncovered on Facebook. It had been going on for almost a year prior to my finding the phone records apparently.

NCMum79 · 06/06/2023 12:45

I don't have a similar story, only someone i was briefly dating, but the more i read about affairs on here and the long term hiding of them, the more I consider it to be abusive behaviour. What's triggered your instincts OP?

Ifitsamouse · 06/06/2023 12:47

We had a new car which had an app that would tell you useful stuff like how full the tank was, if it needed a service etc. oh and where it was parked. ExW was away for the weekend but the car was parked well over 100 miles from where it should have been…

NeverThatSerious · 06/06/2023 12:53

I saw it. My ex, we were at a wedding reception together and this ’friend’ of his was also there (the classic case of having a very bad feeling about her but having no immediate proof! They used to snapchat each other a lot, private chats while out, the little looks, her attitude to me etc) and he kissed her in the middle of the dancefloor while I was stood at the bar. I figured it wasn’t the first time. I never bothered to confront him about it, spent the next couple of weeks getting my shit together to do a midnight flit (he was violent, controlling and, frankly, a bit terrifying so it needed to be done while he was away) and that was that.

booksandbrews · 06/06/2023 12:53

Had a gut feeling (no idea why because there weren’t any obvious signs), checked his phone and the evidence was there and very damning. A horribly traumatic moment that I still re-live.

BigFloppa · 06/06/2023 12:57

Specso · 06/06/2023 12:07

My friend only found out afterwards but tied herself in knots for about 18 months having that ‘gut feeling’ but no evidence.

By the end he was moody, distant, picking fights with her and her kids and generally being a complete arse. She reluctantly agreed they should split and a few weeks later the ow appeared.

It seems a lot of the people who cheat are so determined not to admit anything OR be the one to end it that they’ll play the long game as long as it takes to force their partner to end it so they can then get on with their new life looking reasonably decent (in their eyes)

I think if she’d have been more determined she could have done things like having him followed etc but she didn’t want it to be true at the time I think.

This was what happens with me too!

MissMarianHalcombe · 06/06/2023 13:04

Back before mobiles were as sophisticated as they are now, I found a photo in his desk drawer in his “office/spare bedroom “. It was of him with a girl sitting on his lap kissing. It was as odd then as it is now. Who keeps/takes photos of that? Anyway he was away with work at the time so I called him & I threatened to call her (I opened his mobile phone bill & guessed her number as it was the only one I didn’t recognise.) and he admitted everything. He didn’t even bother to come home. Says it all really.

Houghmot · 06/06/2023 13:05

Found a phone in his gym bag that I’d never seen before. It explained all the work meetings and evening work meetings that he constantly seemed to have. I was an absolute fool, problem was he always had a come back or an excuse that I stupidly believed. One day I took the phone and synced it to my iPad. I saw all the messages that came through over the next week and left but before I did I checked his phone again, he deleted the affair ones straight away so it just looked like an innocent phone with general work messages on it. I wouldn’t have believed it until I saw it with my own eyes, he was so sneaky and clever with it. I left him and never looked back.

Ceebeegee · 06/06/2023 13:13

I went on his phone to send a photo to myself - we'd been at a big wedding that weekend, when we got back home I wanted to send some photos from the wedding to myself. I found incriminating photos in his phones gallery.
I then searched messages, nothing. Nothing on text message folder or Whatsapp. Then, I found a hidden app, hidden in the "sports app folder" (where I wouldnt look) and found Kik messenger with all the dirty details. He'd even sent a message saying "use Kik messenger , not Whatsapp because i dont want the whale to see when I'm online on whatsapp". Being called a whale hurt as much as finding out about the cheating.
Still feel sick about it now, 8 years later.

Cornflowers35 · 06/06/2023 13:15

I caught ExH on the phone to OW. Crying as he thought she was finishing with him.

DC and I were all the house, so anyone could have heard him. With hindsight, there were red flags that I missed.

I went through his phone and a family tablet and uncovered evidence of so much more than just the OW. (I know this isn't the done thing on MN, but I don't care. He would have gaslight me. Well, he did.)

He was cheating on OW (as well as me).

My two DC both knew about OW as they read messages on his phone from her. (Both accidentally. Eldest DC was actually sitting next to DF, he obv didn't anticpate that DC could read that well or quickly. Youngest DC was away with DF and went to check the time on his phone. I suspect they've both forgotten as I've never discussed it with them.)

OW had a very young child at home as well. So she prioritised an affair over her DC, which I still find disgusting.)

I don't think they are still together. I suspect OW went back to her DH. (she had to come clean to him.)

Ironically, the OW mentioned above was not the one I divorced him for. That was another OW.

ExH still claims to his friends he didn't cheat. 🤷‍♀️

We went through a very bitter divorce, but I'm happier for it.

I stopped hating / disliking either EXxH or OW a long time ago. Life is just too short.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 06/06/2023 13:23

My exH had a shave, put aftershave on and went out in jeans one afternoon really insignificant and so utterly out of his normal that I knew he'd gone to meet another women.

primroseknows · 06/06/2023 13:35

My ex-husband filmed himself having sex with OH and emailed it to himself. Forgot that the email was also on the communal
iPad. I opened what I thought was a nice video of his business trip...

primroseknows · 06/06/2023 13:39

OW I meant, not OH

Specso · 06/06/2023 13:41

primroseknows · 06/06/2023 13:35

My ex-husband filmed himself having sex with OH and emailed it to himself. Forgot that the email was also on the communal
iPad. I opened what I thought was a nice video of his business trip...

Omg 😳

That’s absolutely horrendous. So sorry that happened.

Workawayxx · 06/06/2023 13:51

I knew something strange was going on because he was being an absolute arse (for 18 months ish), staying out really late etc but couldn't work out who he was having an affair with or any evidence.

Eventually someone who knew (OW's ex) told a friend who told me. He denied it and said it was "all rumours" so a few days later when I got the chance, I went into his home office when he was out and looked on his computer. They didn't message each other much on there but there was enough to prove it. He still called the affair "communication difficulties" for ages! I left, he wanted to try again apparently but also didn't want to change anything (eg go out less, move areas etc) and felt I should just "trust him" 🙄.

TheChosenTwo · 06/06/2023 13:56

Bloody hell these accounts are horrible, I will
never understand anyone who could do that to another person.
My dm was married to a man we thought was amazing, one day she came home and he had moved everything he owned out of the house and just left a note for my mum to explain to my little sister who idolised her dad that he had left for another woman he had just had a baby with. My mum had absolutely no idea he had been living a double life. Almost 20 years later he has spoken to my sister twice, the second time to ask that she respected his right to privacy. How we didn’t hunt him down and kill him on her behalf I will never know.

Ihaveoflate · 06/06/2023 13:59

I didn't find out until after it finished but all the classic signs were there: new clothes, starting shaving more, trimmed pubes, welded to his phone, change in sexual behaviour (renewed interest in my case).

He was 'friends' with this woman first and they met up for play dates with our kids. I had a gut feeling all was not well, but by the time I challenged him, the affair had already turned physical. He then gaslit me for over 2 months and carried on his 'friendship' in plain sight, while having me believe I was paranoid.

I wish that I'd listened to my gut, but it's not unreasonable to trust your own husband. They kept it secret very successfully, meeting in hotel rooms in the middle of the working day and communicating via a group chat with disappearing messages.

My DH is the last person anyone would have suspected, least of all me. Trust your gut.