How did you find out your dh or dp were cheating?

[Losforwords]

As the title says, I am just curious really as I have a really strong gut feeling but no firm evidence.

We were on holiday. I used his phone to send myself a picture and found the messages from her when trying to find my message on his WhatsApp.

Did anyone’s ex ever outrightly say that they would not cheat or were not the cheating type?

Omg YES!! he had the biggest self righteous stick up his fucking arse

not quite the same when single i came across one of my closest friends wife's fab swingers account.
I knew their marriage was in trouble but she had been there on and off for a long time and had clearly had sex with quite a few men.
It wasnt an easy conversation.

@Sighhhhh Yes... he made marriage vows to be faithful for a start .
But yes conversations had come up. He said out right he doesn't cheat , hes not that type of person, he couldn't do that , he doesn't have time for it, his family are more important than anything so he wouldn't risk that by cheating.
What a crock of shit that turned out to be.

Gosh, first time, he had been out late (all night) I woke up in the middle of the night and had a feeling of dread, so I rang and rang his mobile. No answer. I eventually fell back asleep and woke up to a voicemail. Expecting to hear a drunken apology, no, I was listening to him having sex. He had obviously pocket called me back. I should have ran then, but I naively believe the BS.

Second time (that I caught, pretty sure you don't cheat twice and get caught twice) he left me for but denied her existence for 3 months! I even helped him choose (by vetting Rightmove) the place he was moving into 'alone' so I had the address and was still paying the bastards phone bill. It didn't take long to see who he called on Valentine's Day and work out the flat number from the right move post (I had sent it to myself).

I turned up there to get my answers.

No inkling and No idea, until he asked out of the blue what would I do I became pregnant accidentally. Then told me he had a one night stand, the condom broke and he got this girl pregnant from work. Yeah right try a 8 month affair and no contraception used. Arse

I always feel really uncomfortable reading these because my story is non existent compared to the hell you have all been through.
I suspected something was awry after dh went on a work night out and after promising to be home early for a festival with our 18m old the next day he was super late home. It ruined the occasion. Then things just felt a little off and I couldn’t place my finger on it.
He had almost been unfaithful previously but I’d found out before anything actually happened and that gut feeling was back.
I looked for messages and found some. It initially felt like flirty msgs, a bit of a giggle, but the more I thought about them, the more it felt like these were messages between two people who shared an attraction, had stepped over a line, but were trying to talk in ways that disguised what had happened.
I obviously confronted him and he denied it all, they were just friends. It took 7 years of mental trauma for me to get my confidence and rebuild myself to the strength to push for answers.
Finally he admitted he had cheated, but in that vibe of “I’m sorry you feel bad” so not actually taking responsibility for his behaviour.
No sex it seems, but for me as soon as you are intimate with someone you are stepping across a line if you are married.
We are now separating as I can’t get over how he had lied for so long and had left me living in the limbo of always thinking he’d cheated but him never admitting it. He could see the trauma I was going through but he only cared about saving his own skin.
I now have to deal with feeling awful as I am leading the split. He isn’t a bad person, but we can’t come back from what he did and it means I have such empathy for him even though it was his mistake that out the nail in the coffin

I picked up his phone to call my kids (perspective; it was years ago, I didn't have a phone myself then, my eldest two were staying with my parents while I gave birth to baby number 3, guess where he was the day baby was born)
I asked him who the 'I miss you' text was from and his face said it all. I collapsed, couldn't believe it.
We're divorced now, in remarried but it still baffles me somewhat, still affects me. It's changed me forever. I'm definitely sadder and live in a more defensive, scared manner.

@DidyouNO I get that- I'm still married but when I found out my H had an emotional affair (rather one sided on his part) and was sat writing songs/poems about this young woman - I simply couldn't believe it. Absolutely not the type at all- except he clearly was!! I'm a much more cynical person these days and far harder I feel and less trusting of anyone .

Omg. That made me gasp. I am so sorry, that is an awful way to make a discovery

After 3 of these, I should have paid more attention to their reactions to being asked an innocuous question out of curiosity, with no jealousy or suspicion intended. Floundering around, turning a funny colour, denials, ludicrously detailed or unbelievable explanations for something that should have been quite simple. Little things. Not believable at the time, but not quite enough to believe in an affair. And oh my, the angry indignation if I pointed out their answer seemed unlikely.

Eg, got in car passenger seat, it was in a different position. Simply commented on it as I moved it back and asked who they'd given a lift to. Just conversation really, expecting them to talk about a friend. Denial it had been changed, then a convoluted unlikely story.

Came home from playing cricket at 1am pissed as a fart. Weather had been poor, took one look at him and knew he hadn't been playing, thought he and the team must have gone out on a booze up instead. Not great, but not a problem. He came up with a stupid story of the cricket being called off and deciding to go for a walk round the footpaths and fields instead till midnight, and he wasn't drunk, he'd just had a couple with the lads first.

Yes multiple times. Wanker.

My friend who lived door to us split from her partner we were close but feeling sorry for her as all her family were hundreds of miles away I took her under my wing making her Sunday lunches, inviting her in my home Christmas and new year.

My friend was on the sick my ex got made redundant they started taking the kids to the park, drinking together. I was bussing it home from work due to him drinking constantly.

I got a gut feeling asked him to leave then managed to find evidence around 7 weeks later as I had access to his emails.

They denied it said only been out once, after 4 months she finally moved. It was hell my 15 year old son was distraught and I also had my 2 year old to look after.

They now live together with her children, he looks an absolutely mess and our older son has disowned him.

I always think these threads must be extremely informative to cheats.

true

First there was the whole body shaving. Bit odd I thought, but whatever.

Then there was a cock pick shared to the family share. Again, I stupidly thought that was odd, but he laughed it off.

Then he was gone for hours when he told me he was going to be at the gym, and when I checked, he'd been at a laundrette. Again, I just shrugged it off as weird.

Then finally, a picture of bare arsed bloke appeared in the family share, and I looked at his messages on his laptop and discovered he was soliciting prostitutes. I've since discovered that the cock shots were to prove that he was genuine.

So yeah. That's how I found out.

There is plenty of advice on how to avoid getting caught on places like Reddit. It's actually quite sickening when you see the lengths people will go to.

But people are dumb, overconfident and make mistakes and usually that's how they get caught.

I had suspicions for a while, had went back to my pretty full on career after maternity leave then got a promotion and I was trying to prove myself. So I was juggling a full time job, a 4 year old and 1 year old so was absolutely worn out. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. I told him to go then, cue major backpedaling, he thought I'd let him live there until he got himself sorted.
Finally caught him by connecting my Ipad to his WhatsApp messages when he was sleeping. Broke my heart to read what he said about me to her.

What was even harder was his sister covering for him, she had known me for 17 years but provided him with his alibis so he could sneak out and see his bit of strange. I realised then that when push comes to shove every single person I know is just out for themselves.

It's like something off Jeremy Kyle but I received an email to my work address which is published on my company website. The email said my DP was cheating, told me with whom, and listed a few dates that they'd been to hotels together.

These matched up with dates that I thought DP had been away with work.

It sounds terrible but I believed the email because it was well-written and started off with some lines about how the sender felt awful but thought I should know.

We exchanged a few emails. The sender assured me they weren't the OW and I believed them.

The next time DP went on a work trip, I got my friend to follow him. And, of course, he was meeting the OW. I got my friend to take pictures of them both.

I confronted him. He denied. Then he minimised. Then he blamed me. Then I dumped him. Then he called me all kinds of names and told me that him and OW were off for a wonderful life together.

No admission but trust lost, few years ago he was away on the South Coast on business, week or so later I went to reuse a carrier bag and was a receipt in it dated from when he was away but from a store he uses much nearer home. Said it must have been someone else's but picked up in error.
Year later away overnight on business and similar thing, picked up a bag to reuse and found receipt for lube and massage oil, gaslit me that it was to reignite our sex life ....
18 months ago away on business, texted me he had just left specific restaurant and saying goodnight, back home next day. Few days later I accidently knocked his wallet off the table and receipts spilled out, I was shoving them back when I saw one for a hotel 6 miles from home, for the night he had texted supposedly from famous restaurant 100 miles away, swore he was alone but just hadn't wanted to come home and gaslit me about all sorts I had apparently done or not done.
Never wanted to believe it so allowed myself to be a doormat, now disengaged from 34 year marriage and planning separation, grown kids, one studying and living at home, it's all horrible but I chose to believe him rather than face a devastating truth x

We exchanged a few emails. The sender assured me they weren't the OW and I believed them.

The concerned well wisher, wanting you to know, is often the OW. Makes sense if they want the husband to be with them and your relationship to end more quickly.

@onnonotagaindear yeah I think the bastards will be studying this thread

What an a$$hole (and I’m being kind)

Mine told me on my birthday that he wasn't in love with me anymore, said I "bored the shit out of him" and that I was just "a mum, a nurse and wife" and I had nothing about me.
Wanted to go off and find himself, needed excitement, all the usual crap. Hung around for 5 days until we had got through our sons birthday and then left to live out of his mum's spare room.
All along denying that he had another woman, it was just me he didn't want anymore.
Tried logging into all social media accounts but I couldn't get into anything until a week later I realised his email address was logged in on the family iPad. I did a messenger password reset in the middle of the night, logged in and read everything. It was exactly who'd I'd suspected all along (new friend, had taken the kids out together a couple of weeks before he suddenly didn't love me anymore!)
Phoned him and told him I'd changed his login details to our children's names.
At the time I thought I'd be broken forever but nearly 3 years on I am the happiest I've ever been.

Usual scenario.

He was nasty to me for months (calling me fat etc) and when I complained about his hurtful comments said 'I don't upset you, you only upset yourself'.

Then I went away for a few days to look after a single friend's business in another town, while she went into hospital for a procedure. When she went to the hospital they couldn't do it for some reason and she came back at about 5.00.pm. that day.
So rather than drive all the way home (where I wasn't expected) I stayed over there and went home the next day. I arrived in the afternoon when he was at work to find the bed stripped and the sheets (that were covered in sex-slop) on the kitchen floor by the washing machine. OW's overnight bag was in the bedroom with her driving licence in it, (So I knew who she was) and it seems she planned to stay for a few days.

I put the sheets in a black sack for evidence then booked an appointment with a solicitor for the next day, in my friend's town.
I then removed all the household documents, bank statements etc, all my work clothes and went back to my friend's house for a week.

I sued for divorce, named her they each got the divorce papers in 2 days and he had moved out within a week to her house (she was single).

I got the divorce 5 months later. He never spoke to me until then and It took him that long to fetch his possessions.

I never got an explanation or an apology.