How did you find out your dh or dp were cheating?

[Losforwords]

As the title says, I am just curious really as I have a really strong gut feeling but no firm evidence.

Its incredibly painful to recall how you found out as it is a trauma. Even thinking about it makes me feel physically sick. But like many others he just went from being kind, gentle, caring, funny and loving, a super family man, to cold, distant and snappy. Nothing I did was good enough, I was absolutely blindsided, I started to bend over backwards to make him happier, I’d go out and get his favourite meals, take the children out to give him ‘space’. At the same time he became secretive on his phone, and it was in constant use. His affair was conducted entirely at work, during work hours, so my naive head truly believed he was depressed or struggling with his mental health.

When it progressed to a physical affair my senses went into overdrive. Like a previous poster said I smelt something different. I now obviously know that was her. Weirdly I also dreamt he was having an affair (not uncommon), I came downstairs upset and told him about my dream and he said ‘don’t be stupid as if I have time for that!’. I uncovered the whole thing within a month of them sleeping together for the first time.

During this time I developed anxiety, something I had never suffered with before. I was unsafe sexually, mentally, physically and emotionally and my whole body and soul knew it. As a previous poster said affairs are a form of abuse.

My heart goes out to other posters on this thread.

@Losforwords if you’re questioning please dig deep and get the answers you need. Living in limbo feeling unsafe is no way to live.

It’s really depressing how common and similar the experience is for us all.

My exdh was in bed ill, his mate had been texting him so I went to text him back to say he wasn't well, when a text from 'Bob' came through asking him if he was ok, saying 'he' was worried about him, with lots of kisses. Took me another two weeks of snooping to find out Bob was actually Laura from work

coxesorangepippin · Yesterday 21:03
These men

Shifty dirty cheaters and stupid to boot.

☝I know this site is aimed a women so men look awful, but just take a look at Surviving infidelity and see it from both sides. Cos some of the stuff women do is also eye-wateringly horrible.

My exh had told me he was unhappy but didn't know why (after I finally asked him what was wrong following weeks of being moody).

He gave me nothing while I tied myself in knots trying to be 'better', etc. I then looked at his ipad one day while he was at work to see if I could find out anything he might have said to friends, etc about why he was so unhappy and I found work emails between him and the OW. He wasn't clever enough to remember that he had his work emails set to go to his phone/ipad (or didn't give me enough credit to realise I might look).

When he got home from work that day I had his bag packed.

Looking back, there were signs before that but I guess you don't want to think about that being a possibility. He was taking more care with his appearance, buying new clothes that he thought made him look young and cool (she was younger) and spending a lot of time on his phone to "a friend who was going through a hard time and needed his support".

I don't have evidence yet, but this is exactly how my husband has been. I actually have no doubt that there is an OW. He's been so nasty though, I don’t really care.

Hear hear.

Things with my partner of 12 years went south after a visit to the small town where my Dad, teenage Brother and 2 Sisters live in 2020, just before covid. We live in London, them mid-wales, so a decent journey we wouldn't do often.

We were teenage sweethearts and were thick as thieves. We didn't live together but were in the process of applying for mortgages for our first home together. That quickly died when covid became a thing.

ExDP changed overnight. He went from warm, loving, fun, joking to being cold, rude, dismissive. I couldn't work it out. Sex dropped off a cliff, and he was constantly angry with me.

This went on for months. I asked him outright if he was cheating, and he would always respond in a way to make me doubt myself. He even said I was creating problems being suspicious. He blamed lack of sex drive on a medical condition but wouldn't tell me what, blamed me for being body conscious, would criticise my appearance, if I put on make up he ask me why I was bothering to make an effort. All really nasty things that over time started to get me down.

I confided in a few people, including my Nan (nearing 80 and not quite all there), she suggested he was cheating in a jokey way. I confided in my sisters, and a mutual friend, trying to understand what was going on with him. I can't describe the stress this was putting on me. I was constantly tired, constantly doubting myself, constantly worried about my health, and worse of all, was beginning to believe him. Maybe it was my problem, maybe I was causing issues. My work was also going bad, being unable to focus during the day.

Flash forward to Jan 2021 and he tells me he might be going on a work trip to Brazil. Doesn't give specifics, just a 'might'. A week later he texts me from the beach in Rio saying he's away and will be back in April, and it was at that point my last fuck flew away. It was like an epiphany. But I decided not to end things with him over text, this needed to be a conversation in person. The work trip got extended to End of May and we were barely communicating beyond practicalities. My birthday came around in April and not a single text from him. I decided not to waste any more time on him. So I dumped him by text 2 days later.

He never replied but I got a read receipt.

I told my family and mutual friends that him and I were no longer together, and got no sympathy from them. My nan kept saying "oh you'll take him back".

Anyway my Nan had been getting confused lately with some conversations, and when on a phone call to me, thought she was talking to Sister 1, and let slip that "ToBeOrNotToBee is going to take that cheating bastard back I can feel it".

I felt sick.

I hung up the phone and went on the sibling group chat, basically asking what the fuck was Nan on about. And from there, Sister1 said she knew ExDP had been going to see teenage DB friends during lockdown, driving using his key worker status to get through the police checkpoints.

Sister 2 denied all knowledge and DB, who coincidentally was staying at my flat during this made himself scarce.

All of a sudden it made sense, the weekends he was 'busy', the lack of money from filling up his car constantly, the lies, the gaslighting, the criticisms, the put downs, it all made sense. The OW actually tried adding me on social media a few weeks before it all came out, whilst ExDP was in Brazil and I just ignored her. At this point, she was just some girl I knew vaguely, not well enough to give her access to my private life.

Sister1 said she only knew for a few weeks, and found out through DB, DB said he didn't know they were having sex, he thought ExDP was just 'friends', I asked him if he didn't think I'd want to know that if my BF was driving 600 miles on a regular basis without me.

Sister2 denying all knowledge on a call, until a friend of hers in the background heard our conversation and said outloud so I could hear "no, I told you I saw them together in his car". Sister2 again pleading ignorance.

End of the day I never truly get the full story from them, but it was clear they all knew, each of them decided to hide things from me.

I done some snooping and found out that the OW had a baby just before DP went to Brazil. I asked my sisters if baby was ExDP and both denied it. I wasn't entirely satisfied, but moved on with my life.

I was also diagnosed with some quite serious health issues caused by stress, and developed alopecia. I needed to get well. I decided to keep family at arms length, all of them and just do me.

Bits of info came in drips and drabs, sisters would tell me things that would contradict what they told me in previous versions of their stories.

And last month I found out that baby, now toddler age, is his after all. Yet more lies from them. He hasn't seen his son. Doesn't pay a penny towards maintenance. OW told some other bloke it was his baby, but he found out the truth and washed his hands of her too.

Recently my DF died, just more shit on an already shit few years. I had to travel to the small town for the funeral. OW was friends with my DF, she didn't show for some strange reason.

@ToBeOrNotToBee i am so sorry this happened to you, I literally cry as I read your story. You sound like an incredibly strong person and I hope that your future brings you all the joy you deserve xx

Thank you for sharing all your stories it opened my eyes and even though I do not have any evidence I feel like the horrible treatment is so painful that it doesn’t really matter whether it stems from cheating and feeling of guilt or other things. Maybe I will find out one day for now I have reached my limit.
If any of you feel like they would like to talk about it to help move on please carry on this thread. By sharing our stories we have created a little network and hopefully a source of support for one another xx

My XH's ex best mate told me that XH was cheating, and who with. He'd found out, and confronted XH and OW about it. He told XH that he needed to tell me, or he would. XH didn't say anything. BF told me, and stopped having anything to do with XH as he was so disgusted by his behaviour.

I'll always be grateful to the BF for telling me and we are still mates now.

@polesnotpolos I had a similar thing with first husband and landlines. Was off work sick and answered the phone one afternoon and it was a 'friend' of mine, who initially hesitated when I answered and then launched into conversation . I suddenly thought, why would she call me mid afternoon on a work day at home ? and suddenly had a gut feeling as it was when my ex H got up after a night shift but before I got home. A couple of days later I was over at my in laws and H was at home, I called him to ask something and the phone was engaged for half an hour- this is a guy who never spent more than 2 minutes on a call- so called above mentioned 'friends' number- sure enough 'engaged' - kept checking and yep- calls ended at the same time - I kept it to myself, made excuses not to see my friend and got my ducks in a row and split 3 months later

It's difficult to catch a serial cheat. They're usually very good at covering their tracks and are excellent liars (through practice or self confidence I suppose).

My ex had an alcohol problem so fairly regularly their drinking binges would descend into staying out all night (every couple of months or so). Would come home the next day with a hangover and story about ending up at an all night party or passing out and crashing on a friend's sofa. Always created a pity party about the drink problem and made out their guilt was about the drinking. Brilliant distraction tactics, with hindsight.

That went on throughout our relationship and it took me years to realise it that the staying out all night was actually due to hookups and not just drink. Eventually, once I'd figured out my ex's MO it all fell into place. But still they would never admit it. In the end I had a mass of irrefutable evidence, and my ex still continued to lie and deny!

I'd got intercepted messages where ex was arranging meetups, discussing conquests in detail with friends, caught them practically getting off with someone in a pub, and one time in a complate strangers hotel room, both naked. Even with all that ex continued to deny, and turned it around to gaslight me for checking up on them and for having (supposedly unfounded) trust issues.

So I can see why some people run for the hills at any indication of a partner cheating, because trying to find out conclusively is almost impossible. But I'm one of those people who just has to know for certain rather than trusting my intuition.

My dh told me, "LifeExperience, I'm leaving you for (insert my best friend's name here)." This was in the 1980s before cell phones, so finding these things out was a lot harder. Months before he had become distant and hypercritical of me, even to the point that he complained about how I took items off grocery store shelves. I was also wondering where all of our money was going.

We separated, and several months later he tried to come back. I told him no and asked him to come completely clean for the sake of my mental health. He then confessed to sleeping with a hooker early in the marriage and having a long-term affair starting about a year in who moved 3000 miles across the US when we did. I had no idea of any of this. My best friend was his third affair.

The worst part was feeling like the world's biggest idiot. How could I not have known? Learning to trust my instincts again where men were concerned was the hardest part. The good news is that I've been happily remarried for over 30 years. We have always pooled all our money and also have complete unfettered access to each other's phone, email, etc. for my peace of mind.

I didn’t have a clue until my partner died and the hospital gave me his phone and the messages were there. Then for some reason he had used text messages rather than WhatsApp and looking in his computer at the phone bills, he was sending her messages when lying in bed beside me and getting up early to send her messages during lockdown.

Omg how awful for you, I'm so sorry 💐

My ex did this too. He also massively embarrassed me with a work colleague who I had a good friendship with and who I used to openly exchange texts with watching Big Brother as we were both big fans at the time (this was years and years ago). He rang him and told him to "leave my wife alone". It was awful and ended our friendship. Yet all along, guess who was cheating? 🙄

I had suspicions and checked his work van and in the back I found a duvet, candles, fairy lights up, dildos and lubricant. How very fucking romantic!

You are my hero 😍

Had a parking fine come through the post, the type showing a pic of the vehicle going in & out of a car park, on a day he was supposed to be 100 miles in the opposite direction, he even rang me to tell me he was going to be late back cos the traffic on the motorway was so bad.. Went through his phone, he'd deleted 99% of all messages, but found a couple of incriminating pics of him he'd sent to her

Stupid wanker left his email open on the family computer. To be honest the red flags had been there for months but I didn’t want to look too closely. That ‘affair’ (sugar daddy arrangement) turned out to be the tip of a particularly nasty iceberg going back 10 years at least. Destroyed my mental health.

Your family sound horrible. I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

@ToBeOrNotToBee, well your family don't have your back do they. My friend told me immediately she saw DH with OW. I'm very grateful to her as I know she would have dreaded telling me. In your shoes I'd be so angry with my brother and sister, knowing but letting him make a fool of you. I'd find that hard to forgive.

Life360... he forgot to turn his location off

It was so clichéd I can laugh now. I was at a glitzy work event without him for a project I was specifically involved in. Came home and there were two wine glasses on the side, one with pink lipstick which I've never worn. Just to burst my happy balloon - he was abusive so would always fuck up any nice occasion I was looking forward to. He possibly even planted it himself.

Either way a few days later when he had gone to work, I went home 'sick', met my parents and we loaded up everything I owned into our cars and fucked off. Took my name off all the bills and the lease, and changed my phone number.

Never saw him since.