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Original poster

Found a mobile in DH's desk draw

510 replies

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 14:25

I was tidying up DH's home office when I found a mysterious mobile in the draw, I feel devastated. I managed to turn it on but it's got a passcode.

After all the times I've read about this on mumsnet I never thought it would happen to me but when I think about it he has been distant lately, seems distracted and he has been working late popping off to meeting later in the day etc.

DH doesnt know I've found it and he is out at the moment, does anyone have any words of advice or how to go about bringing it up?

OP posts:
ClarissaExplainsSome · 05/06/2023 19:41

Why keep it in the drawer if it's for work.. is he usually quite tidy?

Agree with others that if it was innocent he would have let you look through it at the time without the guilt trip

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:41

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:37

Op, ask him to give you his passcode. Honest spouses do not mind their partners having their passcodes, might be needed in an emergency or just for convenience. My dh occasionally asks me to look at his phone while he’s driving to check to see if he’s had a work text as his schedule is unpredictable.

If he refuses to give you his passcode, then you’ll know. If he gives it to you then changes it, then you’ll know.

As pp said, it is important to not go around accusing your spouse all the time, but that’s not the case here. This is the first time op has had a concern. And it’s reasonable to be curious, and it’s reasonable to find out more, when she’s come across an unfamiliar phone.

This is the benefit of Mumsnet, lots of people will say its definitely not ok to check your partners phone as we're all entitled to privacy.

GoodChat · 05/06/2023 19:42

Why was the phone turned off if he was using it to communicate?

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:46

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:37

Op, ask him to give you his passcode. Honest spouses do not mind their partners having their passcodes, might be needed in an emergency or just for convenience. My dh occasionally asks me to look at his phone while he’s driving to check to see if he’s had a work text as his schedule is unpredictable.

If he refuses to give you his passcode, then you’ll know. If he gives it to you then changes it, then you’ll know.

As pp said, it is important to not go around accusing your spouse all the time, but that’s not the case here. This is the first time op has had a concern. And it’s reasonable to be curious, and it’s reasonable to find out more, when she’s come across an unfamiliar phone.

More to the point, why has the phone got a passcode anyway if it’s just for sending ‘test’ messages to

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:46

NewAnon · 05/06/2023 19:40

If he works in software development or implementation then a secondary phone is required for testing purposes (push notifications etc.) e.g. at one point I had 5 or 6 phones (various iPhones, Androids, and (at that time) BlackBerrys - so that I could perform testing prior to launching a feature to my clients' business.

And right now I have an uncharged work iPhone sitting in my desk drawer - I spend most of my day communicating on my PC, I don't really need the phone unless I'm going out.

That's NOT to say he's not having an affair, but a random iPhone in a drawer is quite normal in my world of work.

I think the point is that generally a person knows whether a spouse has a separate business phone or not. You didn’t mention if you have a partner, and if so, that partner probably knows you have a bunch of work phones, so of course would not be surprised at seeing or or two or several.

Op says there was never an inkling or any sign whatsoever that her dh had a separate work phone and then she comes across an unfamiliar phone. So, it’s very reasonable for her to be slightly curious and find out more. That is totally reasonable.

MrsLighthouse · 05/06/2023 19:48

What @billyt said . Hide it. If he asks say you assumed it was broken so have recycled it !

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:48

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:41

This is the benefit of Mumsnet, lots of people will say its definitely not ok to check your partners phone as we're all entitled to privacy.

Show quote history

If you’re cheating?

User1438423 · 05/06/2023 19:50

Usually business phone numbers filter straight through to a mobile number. I don't see the reason to have a separate phone, also loads of phones have the ability to be dual SIM. Did he have the phone back and any time alone with it before you checked it?

Houghmot · 05/06/2023 19:52

Is his normal phone pass coded? If yes, did you try that code on the new phone? If so, why is the passcode different? Why does it even have a pass code?

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:53

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:46

More to the point, why has the phone got a passcode anyway if it’s just for sending ‘test’ messages to

Show quote history

Very true @Mumofnarnia!

And so many good questions that don’t have good answers. So, op, you were advised to hold on to the phone and SIM card, you had them in your hand. Then you gave them back, so it’s too late in some respects. But you can ask for the passcode. We all hope it is above board, but it is reasonable for you to find out more when to your knowledge he didn’t have a separate business phone and then you come across an unfamiliar phone. And his reaction. He got angry. If he were innocent he would understand how it would look to have an extra phone that he had never mentioned having, and would be very willing to clear up any misunderstanding.

He had to go buy that phone, or order it online. Usually a spouse mentions it when buying a phone or electronics.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 19:54

Why would he have a different network? Surely business phone would be on the same one as personal for the best deal? I am self employed and get a better rate for business.. Not sure Asda do a business rate (?)

L0bstersLass · 05/06/2023 19:56

NewAnon · 05/06/2023 19:40

If he works in software development or implementation then a secondary phone is required for testing purposes (push notifications etc.) e.g. at one point I had 5 or 6 phones (various iPhones, Androids, and (at that time) BlackBerrys - so that I could perform testing prior to launching a feature to my clients' business.

And right now I have an uncharged work iPhone sitting in my desk drawer - I spend most of my day communicating on my PC, I don't really need the phone unless I'm going out.

That's NOT to say he's not having an affair, but a random iPhone in a drawer is quite normal in my world of work.

Totally agree with you.
I think he's telling you the truth @worried2jsb
It'll be a work phone that is used for certain tasks only so he doesn't need it on him all the time.

I genuinely think there's nothing in this.

knittingaddict · 05/06/2023 20:01

Riapia · 05/06/2023 19:21

Nothing in this thread makes any sense whatsoever.

It doesn't, does it.

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 20:01

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:31

He will have deleted all evidence by now if there is any. There may be work related stuff on there but if he’s his own boss then he can do what he wants to do with work on that phone. However any evidence of cheating will have been deleted after you confronted him. This is why people advised you to bide your time and do some detective work and get the proof first so he couldn’t deny it. Probably pointless even asking him to look through the phone now.

Show quote history

My works iPad is full of kids apps and games. I had good intentions when I got it. Now it basically belongs to my 7 year old 😂😂

holliebo · 05/06/2023 20:01

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 19:54

Why would he have a different network? Surely business phone would be on the same one as personal for the best deal? I am self employed and get a better rate for business.. Not sure Asda do a business rate (?)

It might be payg rather than a contract.

I've got my main phone on EE and one I use for my business as payg with giffgaff

My exH had an affair and I'm usually the biggest cynic but I'm actually think his story is believable. The reply "see you tomorrow at 5.30" sounds like a genuine response to a reminder.

Sounds too formal for a passionate love affair.

Original poster
worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 20:03

maybe im a fool but i do believe him

i did ask about the meeting at 530 and it seems this is an old meeting and he said if i opened up the tesla app i'd be able to see where he is going

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 20:03

Houghmot · 05/06/2023 19:52

Is his normal phone pass coded? If yes, did you try that code on the new phone? If so, why is the passcode different? Why does it even have a pass code?

I mean iPhone automatically asks you to set up a passcode to be fair.

Original poster
worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 20:03

i dont think he had the phone alone and from what he said the reason why it was in the drawer was because he hasnt properly started using it.

OP posts:
Original poster
worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 20:03

he has around 200 clients

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 05/06/2023 20:03

Houghmot · 05/06/2023 19:52

Is his normal phone pass coded? If yes, did you try that code on the new phone? If so, why is the passcode different? Why does it even have a pass code?

Because it's a work phone.
My work phone is encrypted. The password will get you into apps but not into my e-mails.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 20:04

@User1438423, @Houghmot, @Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon have very good questions, op.

A small business owner could test by sending notifications or texts to his own phone and is very likely to have access to different kinds of phones. For instance I have an android, my dh has an iPhone, my ds has a different kind of iPhone. He likewise can find a way to test. Use those. No need to spend the money on a bunch of phones just for “testing”. It’s not very smart, waste of money, and foolish. Not needed. A small business owner is very frugal with money.

VisionsOfSplendour · 05/06/2023 20:04

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 19:54

Why would he have a different network? Surely business phone would be on the same one as personal for the best deal? I am self employed and get a better rate for business.. Not sure Asda do a business rate (?)

My ex had two phones, wasn't a heavy business user so has the cheapest sim only deal available

People do stuff differently to you, who knew?

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 20:04

Sounds like maybe a misunderstanding and his wasting money on a whole phone rather than an app but you doubted him to start with which means there’s a niggle. I’d pretend at least you’re happy with his answers but I wouldn’t walk around blind op. Maybe suggest a app for his auto reminder like the loving wife you are 😉

Houghmot · 05/06/2023 20:06

Could be without kisses because it’s a first date. He could be seeing a few different women, hence why the response was not passionate. He might not be, but he also could be. You just don’t know until you know really do you.

Also 5:30 is out of business hours for some and rather late for most, who wants a business meeting at 5:30?

Think this depends on what work he does and are his meeting normally at the tail end of the working day.

L0bstersLass · 05/06/2023 20:06

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 20:03

maybe im a fool but i do believe him

i did ask about the meeting at 530 and it seems this is an old meeting and he said if i opened up the tesla app i'd be able to see where he is going

I don't think you're a fool. I find his explanation very plausible.

I would draw a line under it and not mention it again, If my husband was accusing me of similar, when I was totally innocent, I'd be rather upset.