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Original poster

Found a mobile in DH's desk draw

510 replies

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 14:25

I was tidying up DH's home office when I found a mysterious mobile in the draw, I feel devastated. I managed to turn it on but it's got a passcode.

After all the times I've read about this on mumsnet I never thought it would happen to me but when I think about it he has been distant lately, seems distracted and he has been working late popping off to meeting later in the day etc.

DH doesnt know I've found it and he is out at the moment, does anyone have any words of advice or how to go about bringing it up?

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:15

I don’t understand why a company would buy employees expensive new iPhones for business purposes to then live uncharged and unused and in unopened (except by op) drawers at the employees’ homes.

Surely that doesn’t make financial or practical sense?

Puffendorf · 05/06/2023 19:15

If my partner basically accused me of cheating when I wasn't, I'd be very pissed off.

If I found out they were being egged on by a bunch of armchair Miss Marples on Mumsnet, I'd be even more so.

The most straightforward explanation is the most likely explanation. I was looking for my adult DS's passport in his desk drawers earlier and found an iphone. I did not assume he had it so he could cheat. I assumed it was an old one.

Houghmot · 05/06/2023 19:17

I think you’ve been taken for a door mat op. How does the work phone send these text reminders when the phone is off and in a drawer between business hours?
He had lots of time to clear the phone because you didn’t get him to unlock it straight away- more fool you.

Who has a work phone through Asda….he saw you coming OP and is taking you for a ride.

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:17

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:15

I don’t understand why a company would buy employees expensive new iPhones for business purposes to then live uncharged and unused and in unopened (except by op) drawers at the employees’ homes.

Surely that doesn’t make financial or practical sense?

He is the employer. Its his business.

TooJoy · 05/06/2023 19:17

If there’s nothing dodgy on the phone then I would believe him.

If you still have a gut feeling then be aware of changes in behaviour or anything that doesn’t add up.

There’s a thin line between having a gut feeling and being paranoid though which can make your life a misery, so perhaps you should just put this past you and move on.

Mbop · 05/06/2023 19:18

My thoughts

Why hide it

Technology's being what it is text reminders can be set via a computer

Had he had chance to delete anything before you found it

Why wasn't it switched on if he was working today

Riapia · 05/06/2023 19:21

Nothing in this thread makes any sense whatsoever.

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 19:21

@Houghmot i agree that he could have deleted anything dodgy, but if there are legitimate work messages on there, it may very well be a work phone. Perhaps using it for work is something he tried out a while back and found it wasn’t working or he wasn’t using it as expected? The OP didn’t mention if the ‘see you at 5.30pm’ message was actually sent today, perhaps it was an old message he hadn’t seen and hadn’t turned the phone on in a while? Makes sense with the fact that the phone was dead when the OP found it.

He’s self-employed too, so probably just went for the cheapest deal on a phone he would only be using for the working week?

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:23

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:17

He is the employer. Its his business.

Show quote history

Then why did he buy an expensive iPhone to live unused and uncharged in a drawer? It doesn’t make financial or practical sense.

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:23

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 18:33

Sorry catching up with the replies, from what I understand they are reminders sent to people, like the doctors do when you've got an appointment.

I'm now doubting everything I think I'll ask him to have a look so we can draw a line under it. Is that a good idea?

I work in a doctors surgery. The texts are sent via an automated service from a PC. Not from some woman who has a WhatsApp profile. Sorry op but he’s bullshitting you.

StemStem · 05/06/2023 19:25

If I found out they were being egged on by a bunch of armchair Miss Marples on Mumsnet, I'd be even more so.

Ageist and misogynistic

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:25

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:23

Then why did he buy an expensive iPhone to live unused and uncharged in a drawer? It doesn’t make financial or practical sense.

Show quote history

Because he wanted to?

Why buy a new car when you can buy a second hand one? Why buy a three/four bedroom house when you're on your own?

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 19:28

@BigFatLiar @MysteryBelle also people have ideas that don’t work out. To be fair, I’m self-employed and I had a plan of separating my work and personal life by getting a work phone, I got an iPhone, and then just found it impractical to carry two phones around and annoying as old clients had both numbers and would continue to use the old number…and that ended up turned off in a drawer. As much as there are plausible reasons as to why he may be lying, there are also plausible reasons for what he is saying and so it could genuinely be the truth

willWillSmithsmith · 05/06/2023 19:28

Bookworm20 · 05/06/2023 16:16

OP, could you say to him your phone has really been playing up and you need to take it to get looked at and does he by any chance have an old phone he doesn't need anymore laying around somewhere that you could borrow whilst its being fixed.

If he say no. Then you know he lying about owning the phone.

If he says something like oh actually I have this one Geoff gave me when he left the company....
then you can breathe again.

Ooh good thinking.

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 19:29

The OP hadn’t said anything about whether he said that the phone is an old work phone, one he doesn’t use anymore etc, so who knows!

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:30

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:23

I work in a doctors surgery. The texts are sent via an automated service from a PC. Not from some woman who has a WhatsApp profile. Sorry op but he’s bullshitting you.

Show quote history

See, that’s what I was thinking. No need to buy an iPhone to “run” a program to send text reminders. Doesn’t make sense. He must have a laptop or desktop computer to run his business. If he wanted to test out the program, he could just send a reminder to his own regular phone. If he needed a number for the clients to send replies or confirmation texts to, the program would collate those surely as part of the program itself. Or use his regular phone, how many clients does he have at any given time? There’re ways to section off callers/texters.

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 19:31

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 19:02

ok i said so we can all draw a line under this and move on lets have a look through it so there is no doubt.

i can tell he wasnt really that pleased about it but he went and got the phone opened it up and let me have a look through it.

there are quite a few messages to different numbers but it all looks like regular work stuff i can see the message from that number earlier and it was about picking stuff up which i guess makes sense

im so confused

He will have deleted all evidence by now if there is any. There may be work related stuff on there but if he’s his own boss then he can do what he wants to do with work on that phone. However any evidence of cheating will have been deleted after you confronted him. This is why people advised you to bide your time and do some detective work and get the proof first so he couldn’t deny it. Probably pointless even asking him to look through the phone now.

ironorchids · 05/06/2023 19:35

If this has actually drawn a line under it for you, then that's great.

If it hasn't then I think it's reasonable to ask to be shown the text messaging reminder service and how it works and where the sent texts are.

Don't convince yourself you're "too dumb" to understand it, just ask to see the service and the sent texts. Check the number that the "See you at 5:30 tomorrow" message came from and the text they were responding to.

If my partner saw a message like this on my phone and asked to see an automated system I had told them it was in response to, I would do it.

I would do that rather than let my partner sit and worry about me having an affair and covering it up, and go on blind trust.

MysteryBelle · 05/06/2023 19:37

Op, ask him to give you his passcode. Honest spouses do not mind their partners having their passcodes, might be needed in an emergency or just for convenience. My dh occasionally asks me to look at his phone while he’s driving to check to see if he’s had a work text as his schedule is unpredictable.

If he refuses to give you his passcode, then you’ll know. If he gives it to you then changes it, then you’ll know.

As pp said, it is important to not go around accusing your spouse all the time, but that’s not the case here. This is the first time op has had a concern. And it’s reasonable to be curious, and it’s reasonable to find out more, when she’s come across an unfamiliar phone.

Mikimoto · 05/06/2023 19:37

StemStem · 05/06/2023 19:25

If I found out they were being egged on by a bunch of armchair Miss Marples on Mumsnet, I'd be even more so.

Ageist and misogynistic

And Agathistic.

BigFatLiar · 05/06/2023 19:38

Mikimoto · 05/06/2023 19:37

And Agathistic.

Show quote history

And accurate

Puffendorf · 05/06/2023 19:39

StemStem · 05/06/2023 19:25

If I found out they were being egged on by a bunch of armchair Miss Marples on Mumsnet, I'd be even more so.

Ageist and misogynistic

WTAF?

Some people can find offence anywhere.

You're presumably one of the people who wants the OP's husband to be having an affair.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/06/2023 19:39

All these people saying why buy an iPhone for a text reminder service, why buy an iPhone for secret texts with a mystery woman? You can get new in the box iPhones on eBay for about £70, I don’t understand why people are so aghast. Also having used an iPhone for the last 12 years, I could never use an android now, so maybe he wants to stick to what he knows.

I think his answer is entirely plausible. Lots of people are saying why would a work phone have an ASda sim, it’s because he’s self employed. He’s not working for a huge corporation. Say if he is an electrician for example, it’s quite likely he wants to use a different phone number to remind clients of their appointments, it’s also quite likely some women (my mum and granny would do this) reply with a ‘see you tomorrow at 5.30pm.’ Appreciate there are services that offer this, but for a lot of one man band businesses they just do it all themselves.

LadyLapsang · 05/06/2023 19:39

Like many people I have a work and a personal phone. If I’m not working I leave my work phone in my study. I don’t use my work phone for personal use and I certainly would not allow anyone else to use it. My DH would not look at it and I don’t look at his phone unless he passes it to me to read a message etc.

The difference with OP is that I am not self employed and it’s not my company. We have very strict rules about use of our work phones and laptops.

NewAnon · 05/06/2023 19:40

If he works in software development or implementation then a secondary phone is required for testing purposes (push notifications etc.) e.g. at one point I had 5 or 6 phones (various iPhones, Androids, and (at that time) BlackBerrys - so that I could perform testing prior to launching a feature to my clients' business.

And right now I have an uncharged work iPhone sitting in my desk drawer - I spend most of my day communicating on my PC, I don't really need the phone unless I'm going out.

That's NOT to say he's not having an affair, but a random iPhone in a drawer is quite normal in my world of work.