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Original poster

Found a mobile in DH's desk draw

510 replies

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 14:25

I was tidying up DH's home office when I found a mysterious mobile in the draw, I feel devastated. I managed to turn it on but it's got a passcode.

After all the times I've read about this on mumsnet I never thought it would happen to me but when I think about it he has been distant lately, seems distracted and he has been working late popping off to meeting later in the day etc.

DH doesnt know I've found it and he is out at the moment, does anyone have any words of advice or how to go about bringing it up?

OP posts:

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 17:24

Sorry but it’s lies. You don’t leave a work phone turned off at home when you’re working. You’ve brought his if you trust me Bs.

QueenieMe · 05/06/2023 17:24

Sorry OP, but that still sounds like a very suspect answer.

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 17:25

@worried2jsb if you ask to look now, even if he has deleted all evidence, if what he is saying is right, he will have work messages and numbers etc on it. Also, why wouldn't he have mentioned he had a work phone? Maybe not something he felt was important, but I think I would want my husband's work number as a back up in case I couldn't get hold of him in an emergency or something.

CinderRosie · 05/06/2023 17:25

If his reason was genuine why would he laugh it off then get angry? Someone who has nothing to hide wouldn’t react like that.

Softoprider · 05/06/2023 17:25

OP Do not look through the phone. Ask him to show you what is on it because you want to see

jdjshsbwhusushshehwh · 05/06/2023 17:26

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 17:21

@StemStem @worried2jsb this is really tricky, as twice I've caught my DH doing things on Instagram that I wasn't happy with, probably about 3 years between each incident, and both times I said to him I didn't want to look through his phone as I wanted to believe him, but some time later and I still have a slight question mark over whether he might have taken things further (DM's, or even swapping numbers for further communication etc). In many ways I wish I had asked to look at his phone to draw a line under it, but I suppose I was worried about what I might see, and also how he might feel at me asking to look at his phone which is in reality, his and private - just because you are married, I don't think entitles you to be able to have free access to each other's things etc. But I think if I had seen that there was nothing to worry about, I would have forgotten all about it. Can you ask to sit down with him and have him show you that it's just a work phone, just to draw a line under it?

Well your private parts are private but you share them with eachother in a marriage.

check the phone!

Frankola · 05/06/2023 17:27

Do you actually believe that excuse from him OP? Because I don't.

If he starts getting cross quickly, like you say he did, thats an indication of hiding something.

His excuse smacks of bull. Why would anyone reply to a "test" message 'see you at 5.30'???

I think you should have just taken the phone from the drawer and hidden it, forcing him to ask you in some way if you had seen it. Or called the number that messaged it.

Shapemyeyebrows · 05/06/2023 17:27

@worried2jsb Sorry but that doesn’t really add up. And the fact he said you can look through the phone whilst saying he would be upset if you did at the same time is classic gaslighting. And had the intended reaction from you, you didn’t look! It would have been more believable if he had openly given you the phone. As long as he’s not had time to delete anything tell him you’ve changed your mind and you want to check it to put your mind at rest.

Mumofnarnia · 05/06/2023 17:27

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 17:14

I asked about the phone and he laughed it off so I asked again in a more serious tone and he did get a bit cross with me.

He said it was a work phone for testing client text message reminders and also to be an official work only number which can be used for communication, for any work account sign on’s and when you have to sign up to stuff with a mobile number.

I asked about the text message and he said it would have been a client and most likely a response to the text reminders.

I did also ask why he has been so distant and off recently and he said because of his work load and clients leaving things to the last minute.

He said if I really wanted I could look through the phone but he'd be pretty upset that after all these years I don't trust him.

I didn't look through the phone. Feel pretty dumb but relieved.

Oh right! So he has another phone that he BOUGHT especially for testing work clients. Why didn’t he just do that on his own phone and if he didn’t want to give his number out there are apps that you can sign up to where you can generate a 2nd number and it only costs a few quid! Much cheaper than the cost of an iPhone! And who paid to top up this new sim then? Was it his work? And if so, why have you never seen the phone in his hand? Why has he never mentioned it?

And yeah, if he was telling the truth then he probably wouldn’t be too upset about you questioning this mystery phone that he never bothered to mention or show you… and the woman who messaged you on it!

Biding your time and collating evidence on this one would have probably got you the answers you needed - good or bad. Or at least having a thorough search of the phone, all social media platforms and checking if this person came up on any of them and / or making a fake profile on fb to see if you could find the number on there.

If he is cheating, now that you know about the phone, he is going to be even more clever at covering his tracks. All messages will now be deleted and any future messages will be deleted straight away. Maybe even go as far as to get a cheap a new phone and hide it somewhere else and you’d be non the wiser.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/06/2023 17:28

If he's telling the truth, why wouldn't he just show you the phone rather than guilt tripping you into dropping the subject? If he suspected your legitimate work phone was being used for an affair, wouldn't you want to shut it all down without question, seeing how easy it would be to do?

MammaBe · 05/06/2023 17:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Indoorcatmum · 05/06/2023 17:29

I wouldn't feel relieved. He manipulated you by making it seem unreasonable if you looked at the phone.

His response makes me feel as certain (as an outsider can be) that he is lying.

I've been fed the same line word for word.

He will have now deleted any evidence so it's pointless to look, but I would be preparing and investigating.

AlwaysPlayingYellowCar · 05/06/2023 17:30

Sorry OP but I don’t think I’d believe that.

I think you need to take a photo of the text message that came through. And maybe call the number.

LemonjeIIo · 05/06/2023 17:30

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 14:46

its an iphone and looks new

But an iPhone would be a very expensive burner phone surely?

TooJoy · 05/06/2023 17:31

Hmmm I’m just thinking if I was in that situation would I say what he said about checking the phone - no I wouldn’t.

I would say here - and show my partner the texts to prove it is what I said it was.

Him trying to use reverse psychology makes him sound more suspect than the phone.

I wonder if you asked to see it now if most of the messages would have disappeared.

At the very least you should have read the previous messages about seeing him tomorrow.

Lots of people have work phones but they take them to work with them as that’s what they’re for.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/06/2023 17:34

He must think you're stupid, OP. Why didn't you look through the phone?

StemStem · 05/06/2023 17:36

His excuse smacks of bull. Why would anyone reply to a "test" message 'see you at 5.30'???

Exactly. It makes no sense. Even more suspicious when OP confirmed that number belongs to a woman.

Climbles · 05/06/2023 17:37

This is why you don’t just confront people. You’ll never know now and he’ll just be more sneaky.

Cherchezlafemme77 · 05/06/2023 17:37

I don't think the OP will want to hear any of this, sadly.

MintGreenLife · 05/06/2023 17:37

@StemStem I agree it seems suspect, but of course his colleague/client could be female...

ScottishBetty · 05/06/2023 17:37

worried2jsb · 05/06/2023 17:14

I asked about the phone and he laughed it off so I asked again in a more serious tone and he did get a bit cross with me.

I asked about the text message and he said it would have been a client and most likely a response to the text reminders.

I did also ask why he has been so distant and off recently and he said because of his work load and clients leaving things to the last minute.

He said if I really wanted I could look through the phone but he'd be pretty upset that after all these years I don't trust him.

I didn't look through the phone. Feel pretty dumb but relieved.

He’s gaslighting you. Look at the phone. If he was a decent person he’d see how upset you were, open the phone in front of you and show you it was a work thing. I’m so angry on your behalf.

Chickpea17 · 05/06/2023 17:37

Look through his phone before he deletes everything.

StemStem · 05/06/2023 17:38

LemonjeIIo · 05/06/2023 17:30

But an iPhone would be a very expensive burner phone surely?

Show quote history

It would also be an expensive 2nd phone for a business, especially if it’s turned off during business hours 🤣

OhmygodDont · 05/06/2023 17:38