Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Don’t agree with this but he does need professional help as it is a kind of illness

Send him home, declutter, get a lodger to help with bills, as income is taxfree to a limit.

Get all the benefits youre entitled to...

You won't ever understand it, he won't change.

He can't even explain it, he "just needs it," right? He's ill. You don't have to put your kids in the middle of his - literal - mess. He will drag you all down. Especially if he refuses help.

Oh gosh though it sounds as though this could turn into the equivalent of a very expensive coke habit for someone like OP's DP!

There is no rational explanation. Noone can give you one as this is a mental illness.

TBH for me this wouldnt be a LTB situation, not quite yet.

I would tell him that he needs to go to the Dr and explain that he is having some issues with hoarding, and anything else that could be related in a mental sense. Hoarding can actually be part of OCD.
I have always, always had shit everywhere. Really struggle to throw things out, but then I also really struggle with my space needing to resemble clean, and to be clear of clutter to feel happy. What most people didnt realise was that I had two rooms of my house that were completely full to the brim with shit id collected and couldnt let go.
Every cupboard, every drawer, my car boot, everywhere I can store things, I do when Im not well.

When i had therapy, it got significantly better, maybe it could for him.

Something that I found particularly helpful was when I considered what people usually keep hold of, and how that actually aligned with my own collections of items, then I had to question why, and what I was gaining from keeping those items, and what would realistically happen if I didnt have them?

How were they making a positive impact on my life?

Even now, every few months I need to go around the house with a bin bag, I have to throw out items that we dont really "need" infact, I have to prepare my youngest sons clothes that hes outgrown, and all of the accessories from when he was a small baby for an NCT sale, because even though its out of sight, I KNOW that I have got a bit out of hand with not letting things ago in that respect.

I echo the posters upthread, you can't help this type of person until they are ready to help themselves and sadly sometimes people are never ready to help themselves

You can't fix him. He doesn't want to fix himself so you are at junction, are you going to go down this road of living together or are you going to ask him to go back to his ? If he wanted help then fine, but he doesn't.

Please take it from a person who lived with a hoarder for 40plus years,
1, there is no logic to it.
2 they don't see the problem, because there is 'no problem'.
3 more space doesn't resolve the issue
4 he can only change if he wants to.
5 you will be mentally unwell yourself if you let him stay.
6 he needs to go back to his house with his rubbish.

If you drives, pack your car and take things to the tip instead.

For you and your childrens's sake you need to tell him this is not working and will never work, that you cannot live with a hoarder. Tell him he has to move back to his house and take all of his crap back with him. Big sheds and storage options will not solve this, he has an illnesses that will make your life unbearable. Once he and his stuff are out of your house, and make that asap, then you can decide if you want to stay in a relationship with him, albeit in separate houses.

Once he is out, claim everything you are entitled to and make sure he is paying CM and helping with childcare or the cost of childcare to enable you to work, at least part-time.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collyer_brothers

I do not think for a moment that the OP will be able to pack her car full of her partner's crap.

He will stop her - by force, if necessary. And in any case, there's probably several carloads of crap.

People who deal with hoarders will tell you not to do this. The hoarder will see this as an incredible overstep into their territory and will promptly replace the stuff you junked (and probably be as mad as hell at you for making that necessary). It's not 'rubbish' to him - and how would you like it if someone decided to bin some of your 'rubbish' behind your back?

I struggle to get rid of stuff, which still has a use even if I can’t use it or if it has a sentimental significance. Other times I throw things out and then 4 years or more later I need that particular item and am really annoyed at myself it’s gone. It goes around in my head and I berate myself a lot.

I’m not a hoarder but I do struggle to get rid of something if I’ve paid good money for it and it still has value. For other items it’s the connection to the past, memories.

I wasn’t bought much growing up and didn’t have a lot of control over my life choices as I had authoritarian parenting. I always have struggled to let go and touching, looking at certain items and getting absorbed in them was a way of forgetting the chaos around me and transporting myself to another place.

I imagine hoarders go off the scale on these things and perhaps buying or collecting things others have rejected is giving both him and these items a purpose. The items now have an ‘owner’. He probably gets intense pleasure out of collecting the items and salvaging them from the bin / landfill etc. But as the pleasure is short lived, he repeats the process. In essence, I think, hoarding is the inability to let go. The insistence of being in control.

There may be other elements I’m missing as I’m not a hoarder. But it’s not possible to just change this mindset without therapy. There is a lot to unpick, which can only be addressed after the person identifies there is an issue and wants to do something about it. Right now, your partner is very far from this point.

@Onetwothree45 , it a mental condition, and therapy would probably help if he's willing.

If you give him an ultimatum, my guess is that it won't work, unless he agrees that he needs help.

That's his problem. I know two families like this they raised their children in this chaos. They're adults now. Three of the four are decidedly odd. The fourth escaped to university and rarely returns.

If you want your relationship then you will have to have that conversation and tell him he has to go to therapy to sort out what is in his head. Everyone reacts differently to trauma I hope he gets the help he needs.

@Mumof118 what can you 'report' a person with hoarding problems for tho?
what sort of therapy can help?

It’s a mental health issue. He needs to move back to his own house.

100%

This is a mental illness which is nigh impossible to treat. (There are hoarding related threads elsewhere on MN but probably too depressing to read).

It sounds like you love him and would like the relationship to work, but are not prepared to live in amongst his hoarded items (and nor should you be!)

In your shoes I would read some information online to get a basic understanding of hoarding as a mental illness, so you feel able to talk to him about it more easily. I would then work with him to find a therapist who specialises in dealing with hoarding. He would then need to commit to working with the therapist until things are under control, and he is able to sort through and only have things which are needed in the home. If he still needs to have a shed (as you have kindly offered), then that might be a compromise, but I wouldn't allow him to bring any more crap from his house into yours.

You need to prioritise your DC, which is why you've asked for help - he needs to learn to recognise how damaging and dangerous it could be for his DC to grow up in this environment - look what's happened to him after he saw the hoarding of his own DF. Good luck!

I have OCD hoarding and it was only after several years of therapy on NHS Healthy Minds did I realise myself I also have inattentive ADHD. ADHD hoarding is actually different from regular hoarding part of our issue is executive function deficits so we don't know how to tackle the hoarding / have motivation to start. You can get people who help with this who are trained with hoarding but they are about £40 an hour at least. This is what I did to start was a hoarding therapist helped me go through things and gave me hints and tips and I have started changing my life around.
BUT - my concern is your partner does not want to change. I wanted to change for my family.
I would ask him if he would speak to his GP and if he won't then I am sorry I am not sure there is any hope.

The thing is OP the 'reason' for hoarding will be different for different people. The 3 people I know were very poor growing up. But I am not sure if that's the reason - there are loads of people who grow up poor and don't hoard.

Also if you did know the reason would it matter?

You really need to know that you can't fix this or him. You need to get him to leave and take his shit with him

If you can’t understand it, how are you going to explain it to your children? This is a really serious situation and he will destroy all of your lives. He is unable to put a value on things.