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Original poster

Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

719 replies

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:45

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Elleherd · 04/06/2023 13:36

Sorry that's so long!

IncompleteSenten · 04/06/2023 13:46

You can't live with him. It would be an unsafe environment for your children. It would wreck your and their mental health to live in squalor. Imagine the childhood they'd have! No friends coming round. Smelling. You only need to watch those hoarder programmes to know how being forced to live with a hoarder fucks you up.

oakleaffy · 04/06/2023 13:47

@Onetwothree45 Hoarding is a mental illness, Probably stemming from insecurity in his childhood.

However, he doesn’t want to end up like Mr Trebus (Life of Grime) OR the Collyer Brothers in USA who had to tunnel through rubbish and one of them was killed by a collapsing pile.
About 100 yrs ago.

(Some eerie pics on Google Images )

Titchyfeep · 04/06/2023 13:47

You either need to change your mindset and recognise that hoarding disorder is a genuine mental health condition and can’t just been turned off (similar to addiction) and support him/get him help or leave because realistically he probably can’t change.

Nomorebloodsplease · 04/06/2023 13:48

🌷

oakleaffy · 04/06/2023 13:49

Titchyfeep · 04/06/2023 13:47

You either need to change your mindset and recognise that hoarding disorder is a genuine mental health condition and can’t just been turned off (similar to addiction) and support him/get him help or leave because realistically he probably can’t change.

The link with addiction is very true.
He will need help to understand WHY he hoards- Especially if he’s buying other people’s stuff from charity shops&c.( Not just keeping stuff from his own childhood)

Maxiedog123 · 04/06/2023 13:52

Hoarding like this is an illness and probably won't improve unfortunately.
I have known people like this who have had long term relationships by maintaining separate homes, but there needs to be constant boundaries of not bringing stuff over, as there is always a risk of the board spreading.

truthhurts23 · 04/06/2023 13:53

you cant let your baby live in this , it will effect the really badly, he will not change

Bearpawk · 04/06/2023 13:56

Op, hoarding to that extent is a serious mental Illness. He's not doing it out of choice. Is he getting any help?

Inertia · 04/06/2023 13:57

Your saving Grace here is that his house is untenanted.

Fir the safety of your children, you have to get your partner out of your house and back to his own house. He will whinge, but you have to be tough for the sake of your children. If he doesn’t move everything back within the deadline, you get a skip. Or post it back to him with no postage paid.

I would speak to your health visitor now about your concerns, as it sounds like it could be dangerous for your baby to spend time at partner’s house.

KTheGrey · 04/06/2023 13:59

@SaturdayGiraffe has it right. First thing is to lead him round to the idea it's a MH issue.

Dancingonthemoonlight · 04/06/2023 14:05

The mental health aspect aside, houses that have been used for hoarding for years on end, all end up needing thousands upon thousands of £ to fix, unless you are rolling in spare money, either bin everything but the essentials or get him to take all his stuff and move it back into his own property.
I'm just like my mother in this respect in that i will not allow 'hoards' of random crap in the house, if its sentimental (genuinely sentimental at that) then yes keep it by all means but if its tat and rubbish, it's going in the bin.
He won't ever get help for it, he doesn't see its a problem, so he's happy to make YOUR house look like shit and it won't take long for issues to arise with the actual house structure/mould etc to set in and he clearly doesn't care about your child's welfare and safety. I'd give the ultimatum, either pack your stuff up and bin it or take it back to your house and let it rot his property.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 14:06

I honestly didn’t realise the extent until he has started to go through his house. I didn’t realise how anxious he would get throwing things away. I simply thought he worked lots of hours and it got out of hand. I’ve not really come across hoarding before. I don’t really understand what he finds comforting or why he feels the need to keep broken things or packaging. I thought I’d buy him some metal racking and he could sort his stuff out which is mostly garage and shed stuff remaining and he could put it in boxes with like for like and then he’d know where things are. He can’t even sort out a single thing. It’s not like I’m even saying to throw any of it just put the car stuff in a Box camping stuff in another etc etc. He can’t see that it’s a disorganised mess.

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/06/2023 14:07

Ok. Prioritise your kids. They should not have an angry, tantrumming man inflicted on them.

Thesharkradar · 04/06/2023 14:08

This man will only ever be a massive drain on your time energy and resources, I would cut your losses now and start distancing yourself

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 14:08

I’ve put my foot down with most of it to be fair so far and things have been put away or I told him to take it back. But that has just meant he won’t go over to his and start to tackle. Baby and child are safe at the moment but if he has his way it will be full. He has filled his clothes drawers in the bedroom with hundreds of chargers and cables so his clothes just don’t fit. I’ve asked him to sort it but just says I need it all where it is.

OP posts:
Hollyhobbi · 04/06/2023 14:09

Not all cases of hoarding are linked to a death or childhood abuse. My parents were hoarders but not to the extent that every room was piled to the ceiling. My mum lives in their house now on her own but it's a large house with 5 bedrooms, and a huge garage. All of the storage spaces are full. My mums clothes are in all the wardrobes in every bedroom. The garage has old rusty tools from my late granduncle for example who died 50 odd years ago. They would occasionally get skips and fill them. Thankfully they didn't take stuff out of them. We moved house as kids 6 times adding more kids and bigger houses each time. If this hadn't happened the hoard would be much bigger and decluttering would take place! Me and two of my sister's have hoarding tendencies now. My other sister is a hoarder. No one has been in her house in over 20 years. She doesn't throw stuff out ever. One of the bedrooms in my parents house is full of her stuff. She has very severe ocd in that her hands will be red raw from washing them so many times a day. She had to give up work as she checked and rechecked her work so many times she got very little done. Yet her hair will be greasy and she'll wear a food stained sweaty fleece top for days.
She also suffers from depression. My dad died recently and he had told one of sister's that his biggest regret was that they never got any kind of professional help for my sister who's a hoarder.

aloris · 04/06/2023 14:24

Don't spend your effort on beating yourself up for having a baby with him. That's in the past and now the baby is here. Your partner's hoarding is a huge safety concern for your child as you say your partner simply piles objects when he runs out of room. What if your baby eats one of those 6 years old out-of-date chocolate fish? What if one of the piles falls on her and hurts her?

Your partner has also, very quickly, begun controlling you and your space via his hoarding. You said that:

  • he gets angry when you put your foot down
  • when you speak to him about it he has an excuse or
  • says you are moaning again.
  • he is supposed to be sorting and emptying the things in his house but instead he is bringing it to your house (!!!)
  • when you throw things away he goes in the bin and fishes it out
  • when you ask him to sort it, he says he needs it all where it is.

In other words, he is blaming you for wanting to have any control of the space in YOUR OWN house. This is probably his illness talking but it's also completely overstepping a boundary as this isn't his house, and it's demeaning towards you because it assumes he has the right to decide how much stuff is in your house without your consent. He's not negotiating with you how much should be there. He's just saying it has to be there and basically he's saying your wishes don't count.

Have you looked up your entitlement to child maintenance?

readbooksdrinktea · 04/06/2023 14:27

He goes in the bin after me and fishes it all out

Awful. Please don't put your children through an upbringing like this. They don't deserve it. You don't either. If you want, assist him in accessing help - but get him out of your house.

unsync · 04/06/2023 14:30

He needs to move out and go back to his house. If he acknowledges it is a problem, he could have some therapy.

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 14:33

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 14:08

I’ve put my foot down with most of it to be fair so far and things have been put away or I told him to take it back. But that has just meant he won’t go over to his and start to tackle. Baby and child are safe at the moment but if he has his way it will be full. He has filled his clothes drawers in the bedroom with hundreds of chargers and cables so his clothes just don’t fit. I’ve asked him to sort it but just says I need it all where it is.

What are you not understanding?

This won’t change. You knew who he was. What were you expecting? He won’t change.

Up to you if you subject your kids to this. I wouldn’t.

Lachimolala · 04/06/2023 14:35

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:59

@Motnight where will the 6 month old go and my 7 year old daughter when I’m at work?

Childcare. Nursery or childminder for the youngest and school/wrap around/childminder for the eldest.

What do you earn? Without him living there you’ll be entitled to universal credit, there’s a childcare element that pays 85% of your childcare costs. There’s also child benefit and child maintenance, he worlds full time so you’ll get something for his child.

Do you rent? Is it council or private if so? You can get help with that too.

Can you go part time for a while then up your hours when youngest is 3? If your income is low enough you’ll qualify for the 15 FEL hours from two.

Seems like you need to cancel the move, get him out of the house and claim everything you can. You can still stay together if you want but probably best to run two houses. If you do or don’t stay together make sure he chips in for childcare outside of maintenance.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 14:37

Could someone just explain to me what does having all the stuff do for him? I’m not able to understand why someone buys edible mementos to store and not eat. I found chocolates from 2012 from a trip to Ireland but he wouldn’t let me bin them. He did eventually take the postcards off the boxes of fudge and throw them fudge.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 04/06/2023 14:37

I would make sure you are clear , therapy or he moves out . Perhaps he should watch all the stacey Solomon programmes and will recognise his problem.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/06/2023 14:38

You don’t need to spend time analysing him or telling us more about him, he needs to get out of your kids home. Have you read the replies on the thread? Your focus should be on your kids, solely, it’d be helpful for you to use the thread for that, I think. The angry man shouldn’t be in your property.