Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

You need to consider that not only is he taking over your home, he's taking over your daughter's home.
She no longer has her safe haven, her place to relax with her mum. And while she may not appear to be bothered now, as she gets older she may feel anger and resentment that you allowed it to happen.

Not only that, but you are teaching your children what is acceptable in terms of a relationship, and house management. Do you want your daughter to grow up to think having a cluttered unsafe house is acceptable?

You need to take the upper hand and take back control of your house. He has his space he can do what he wants with, but this is your families space and you need to protect it x

Live separately you should be entitled to some benefits

my grandad was a hoarder it’s a condition shouting ,issuing ultimatums or just throwing stuff away won’t solve the problems

If you understood why, it wouldn't make it any more acceptable to subject your children to.

You need to take back your home. You can be supportive when he's back in his own home and not filling yours with junk and ruining your children's lives.

Yuck. I can't stand the idea of hoarding

@VDisappointing , I think that is what I have.
All the decluttering things seem to say 'start somewhere' and I can't start.

I see a big jumble of stuff, and usually feel so depressed I go out or come on here.

Every day.

If I go out, i bring stuff in and add it to the pile. Even if I don't buy anything, I'll probably drag something that might be useful home with me.
It is stopping me from living my life.

If I could sort it, it would help me see what is surplus, but there isn't space for three boxes/bags.

This is a mental health issue and it is exceedingly difficult to change these behaviours and, sadly, it is very unlikely he possesses the ability to change . At this difficult time re national health there won’t be the resources to adequately treat him for what many will view as a life style choice.
OP you need to take back control and insist he returns to his home with this stuff. Depending on how you feel he can visit or stay over but he is not to move back in until (if!) his house is cleared and rented out. I this unlikely event you will need to agree strict boundaries regarding his stuff.
Stuff not removed by a certain date you will dispose of by whichever way you find most convenient (maybe a skip).
Meanwhile he needs to contribute to the maintenance of his child at a level that will enable you to return to work.
Good luck — you do not deserve this but stay strong and things must get better

My mum is a hoarder.
Her house is unsafe for children and she cannot have her grandchildren around her own house.

It is a mental condition and it’s most likely going to get worse.

My mum started off collecting newspapers and then the odd thing because it was sentimental or it might be worth money in the future.
Now her home is floor to ceiling full of stuff. You can’t see out of the windows or get to the back door.

Hoarders are very selfish (it’s MH so not their fault) and will put their possessions over their partner or children.

Because I’ve seen the effect of hoarding first hand my advice would be to live in separate homes until he has overcome this issue (if he ever does).

You could get him to put his belongings in a storage container but this costs money and he’ll still hoard at your home too.

How far away do you live from each other?

You have been able to financially live in your own home before you got pregnant so I can’t see why you can’t continue to go this once you’ve had the baby?

You will still be in a relationship and you’ll still be able to work and have the support of him but he just won’t be living there full time.
This will hopefully be the motivation he needs to sort himself out and get some help to stop the hoarding so you can move in together properly.

Put the moving in together on hold for now.

Either he seeks help, which he clearly needs, or he fucks off. He’s lied to you, he’s tricked you and he’s now ruining your life. He needs to address this head on.

What do you think understanding would give you, OP? It’s not going to change anything for him - only therapy can possibly do that, and that’s a non-starter unless and until he understands it’s a problem, At the moment, it doesn’t sound like he does.

Maybe understanding would make you more tolerant and accepting of his illness…. in which case, his hoarding will take over your house. And he’ll never clear his own house enough to let it - there will two houses full of crap, with you and your kids living in one of them.

Or maybe it will help you realise that his actions are completely irrational, and no amount of persuading, pleading or arguing will get him to change.

So, two options:

1. Put up with it, and accept that your house is going to sink under a sea of rubbish;

2. Kick him out - get him to take himself and his stuff back to his house. As already said - he will have to pay maintenance for his child and you will be entitled to benefits, help with childcare.

You can continue a relationship with him, if that’s what you want. You can courage him to seek help, and support him if he does. But you can’t change him against his will.

He will never rent his house. It needs to be decluttered for that, and clearly it's not happening.

He has to move out, OP, or he'll drag you and your children down with him. He has a severe mental condition and unless he's willing to accept help, it will only get worse.

Tell him he has a fortnight to shift everything back to his place and conduct your relationship living separately for now.

It is thought that OCD hoarding is often someone who has or also has inattentive ADHD.
ADHD and Hoarding: Is There a Connection Between Them? (healthline.com)

My mum is a massive hoarder but we come from a family of hoarders.

I definitely have a bit of the hoarding gene as I don’t have much money so all of the things I buy are special as I’ve worked hard to get them and the things that other people get me are sentimental.
I absolutely hate waste and I think lots of things will come in handy.

Because my mums a hoarder I keep in the back of my mind that I don’t want to end up like her.

What really helps me is just not buying stuff.
So I don’t go to carboots, look on online sites etc or even go shopping much. Most of my shopping is done online and I don’t have the temptation to buy unnecessary things.

Another thing that really helped me is that I hate waste and I always want to do good but don’t have much time or money to give money to charity or volunteer.
So I donate things and I find this gives me lots of joy as I think I am helping someone in need. I’ll give it to charity shops or put a post up saying free (or cheap) on social media or gumtree.
I’ve also done carboots.

They say do one room at a time.
Me and my mum both have ADHD and I don’t know if this has got anything to do with it but something like sorting through our belongings can be really overwhelming and it doesn’t get done.

I would try focusing on doing one room at a time and every day set a timer at the same time and do 20 minutes.
You could have 3 boxes - keep, throw away (if broken), donate/sell.
You could listen to an audiobook at the same time.

For me, I don’t like getting rid of things but once they’re gone it’s such a massive relief.

My mum is unable to do this as her hoarding has gone too far and she can’t even get rid of rubbish.
But hopefully as you recognise your issue and are honest about it (something my mum and other bad hoarders aren’t) you are able to turn your life around.

This is really interesting!
I’ve literally just wrote that I wonder if there’s a connection between the 2.

Thanks for sharing it.

Forget trying to understand it

You need to do an entitled to calculation to see how much UC you will get as a lone parent. You will also get up to 70% of your childcare covered.

Any child support is in addition and does not impact on UC

It will take you 5 minutes to do.

You're the one that's going to get you out of this, he's not going change. It will only get worse as the more time that passes the more stuff he'll collect.

I have ADHD too and yup a hoarder. Not as bad as I used to be but still those little piles breed without me noticing for a while. Then tackling a pile just means adding the contents of that pile to other piles to be sorted "later". Your partner sounds more like the other kind of hoarder. The mentally ill, intrusive thoughts, high anxiety, OCD type. He is not going to be able to overcome that himself.

Don’t try and understand it because you can’t. All you need to know is he will not change. He will also never rent out his house and will continue to fill your house.

It’s sad, but you need him to move back to his own house and provide child maintenence. Hopefully you can use this for childcare for the baby and if your daughter can get cheap after school clubs then you can keep working.

Well, I'm happily what could be described as a hoarder, my house is full from top to bottom, all clean and tidy, but full. I've been a collector all my life, dabble at antique dealing and restoration and have lots of hobbies. I've never collected rubbish, old shoes or anything like that, but I do duplicate.
Was looking at vacuum cleaners today as I was going to hoover, 7 to choose from, why not, when I get fed up with the Sebo i'll switch to the Kirby for a bit, then get Henry out for a change!

My wife is a minimalist, she resolved, very sensibly some 22 years ago that living in the same house would be a disaster, so we have always had 2 houses on the go, problem solved!

There have always been collectors in this country, we are known for our eccentrics - just because daft TV programmes say you need to chuck out all your stuff for a happy life doesn't make it true!

I like utterly celar surfaces. i could not live with someone like him. I think he should not let out his house, remove every single thing from your house in the next week other than one toothbrush and move out. There is no reason why he cannot visit often but bring not a single item of his to stay there. When he leaves after a weekend every thing he brought you put into a black sack from that weekend and it goes in his car and never comes back. He will never change. He will never get better.

You don't need to understand it OP, you just cannot be with him. As everyone has been telling you, he has a severe mental health condition, and he currently doesn't even recognise he has one. Don't let you children grow up with him. I have a friend who is a serious hoarder, whatever he manages to get rid of he'll fill it with 10 more items, found, bought, whatever. He has driven his family away,.they tried to help him for years, it just got worse.

Now you are my kind of person! @Onetwothree45 Stay in a relationship with him if you love him but keep your own space!

thats so sad x

My mum's friend is a hoarder, she even hoards the dead flies on the window cils in her conservatory and won't let my mum throw them away.

It's going to take more than watching Stacey Solomon to turn someone from a hoarder into someone who's not.

OP, you can't have him living in your house. You just can't. And how would he get his rented - by bringing all that rubbish to your house? No way.

You will have to claim child support from him. Have you seen the Entitled To website? You might be better off than you think.