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Original poster

Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

719 replies

Onetwothree45 · 04/06/2023 10:45

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 09:55

@SquishyGloopyBum I am protecting my children otherwise I wouldn’t see a problem and not even pose the thread I did. I make him take the stuff back to his. All the bedrooms and living space is clear apart from children’s toys everywhere but that’s normal. It’s that he has filled the current storage and he still has a full house. Now I’m really starting to understand the situation. I am starting to understand that no shed will be big enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 09:59

He has just told me via text he knows he is too attached to things and has been since he was a child. His mum was the same.

OP posts:
FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:01

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 09:47

@FelisCatus0 the house at the moment is not that bad. His house on the other hand is. You don’t don’t have a clue about what’s happening regarding my daughter so you can keep your comments to yourself thank you very much. The reason my daughter who got on so well with my partner changed was because her father came back into her life after many years absent and started telling her she is only allowed one dad, one man, no one else. He does not like her having relationships with any men, friends or family members. You really shouldn’t make such wild accusations you know nothing about. I protect my daughter to the ends of the earth.

Im dealing with something here that I am finding overwhelming and looking for advice and not judgment, especially when you have no facts.

the house at the moment is not that bad. His house on the other hand is.

What does that have to do with anything? He can still live at his house, which EVERYONE is saying.

We can only deal with the facts you've given us, we're not mindreaders. Nor do we know to expect a dripfeed when the narrative isn't going your way. The fact is you made him out to be some saint for being the bare minimum, and haven't once stopped to think of your daughter. I am sure she could process her father a lot better if your partner was not in her home. But you won't put her first and send your partner back to his house will you? All the more reason, given what your daughter is going through with her father, for her to have a stable household environment without your partner and his clutter. You've been given advice. But you are lashing out instead of choosing to take it. So why did you bother?

FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:03

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 09:51

I’m sleep deprived, I get 2 hours a night maximum for 6 months. I’m absolutely exhausted right now so give me a break if I don’t jump at your suggestions. I need to process, I’m a human not a robot.

Yet you still have had time to post 27 replies on this thread, often about anything, everything or nothing, not even addressing the advice. Your last post is about him sending a text to you about it. Who cares? Text him to tell him he is going back home tonight. That's the only 'update' you need to give us.

FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:04

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 09:59

He has just told me via text he knows he is too attached to things and has been since he was a child. His mum was the same.

Why tell us this? Just update when you've text him to move out.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:08

I haven’t asked for advice about my daughter and I am not looking for advice on her thank you and her abusive father.

All the other advice I’m processing and getting my head around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:11

We’ve just had a baby together and been together years. It’s not something I can overnight just turn 180 on. Just because I don’t say what you want doesn’t mean my head isn’t processing it.

OP posts:
FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:12

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:08

I haven’t asked for advice about my daughter and I am not looking for advice on her thank you and her abusive father.

All the other advice I’m processing and getting my head around.

You asked for advice on your partner's hoarding and the affect it has on you and your children. There is really nothing to 'get your head around' other than get him out today. It is literally that simple. But you won't do it, yet surprisingly have the ability to post 29 times in the one thread while ignoring the one thing everyone is telling you to do. It's obvious you truly don't want to do anything about your situation, so why you bothered wasting our time only you know.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:13

@FelisCatus0 I’m not forcing you onto mumsnet, that’s your choice.

OP posts:
FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:14

Anyway I am choosing not to spend anymore time on this except to say I hope things go well for you and your family whatever decision you make.

knobheeeeed · 06/06/2023 10:37

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 07:54

I feel bad throwing him away. I suffered quite bad abuse and he stood by me when I was at the grip of my ptsd. I’m much better but now I see his hoarding problem which I guess has gone a bit un noticed. I know I can’t fix him, I’ve been there done that. I feel too deep to get out.

You don't have to throw him away. But what you need to do is send him and his stuff back to his own place.
You absolutely cannot live with him with his mental health in the state it is currently.
Send him back home. Continue the relationship but he doesn't live with you.
And he needs to get help for his hoarding immediately if he is serious about being in a relationship with you.

You cannot allow your children to live in a mess like that. You've already said the play room with sofa has been taken over with bookshelves and DVDs. Your children are already missing out on something that would have been lovely for them.
You say you think of it as "our" home and not yours any more. That's good. But "our" home means a home for you and your children and your partner. If he is making that home unliveable in, then he needs to go.

nameoftheday · 06/06/2023 10:40

FelisCatus0
Yet you still have had time to post 27 replies on this thread

And you've had time to count them.
Lay off the OP. She's slowly getting her head round something she's not encountered before

TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 10:40

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:13

@FelisCatus0 I’m not forcing you onto mumsnet, that’s your choice.

But your choice seems to be to try to accommodate him and his hoard.

Literally nobody on this thread has recommended that.

Everyone has told you to send him back to his house, with his stuff.

TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 10:41

FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:12

You asked for advice on your partner's hoarding and the affect it has on you and your children. There is really nothing to 'get your head around' other than get him out today. It is literally that simple. But you won't do it, yet surprisingly have the ability to post 29 times in the one thread while ignoring the one thing everyone is telling you to do. It's obvious you truly don't want to do anything about your situation, so why you bothered wasting our time only you know.

Show quote history

This is undeniable.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 06/06/2023 10:42

Him not being a prick about you suffering PTSD from previous abuse is a very low threshold. This is what you should expect from a partner, especially one you have a child with. It doesn’t make him a hero.

It doesn’t mean you and your children owe it to him to live with drawers and boxes and cupboards and sheds bursting with the absolute dusty, pointless shit that he’s stashed over the years.

Honestly. Your life is hard at the moment with a non-sleeping baby (does he do anything to help here?) and a daughter with a difficult relationship with men, courtesy of her father and the one that’s recently moved in with van-loads of garbage…

Simplify it. Get him out and reconsider your relationship with him on the proviso that he seeks serious professional help.

TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 10:44

Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 10:11

We’ve just had a baby together and been together years. It’s not something I can overnight just turn 180 on. Just because I don’t say what you want doesn’t mean my head isn’t processing it.

If you've been together for years, what made you think it would be a, good idea to let him move in with you?
You must've noticed his crap before now.

FelisCatus0 · 06/06/2023 10:47

nameoftheday · 06/06/2023 10:40

FelisCatus0
Yet you still have had time to post 27 replies on this thread

And you've had time to count them.
Lay off the OP. She's slowly getting her head round something she's not encountered before

No need to count. You click on "See all" it lists the number of times OP has posted on the thread.

knobheeeeed · 06/06/2023 10:49

Every day that goes by makes this situation worse. You cannot stop him from hoarding. You cannot stop him from bringing stuff in. You say you have, but he's taken it back to his. It will reappear again. You seem to think if you can organize it, it will be fine. It won't. He's not capable of organizing it and probably doesn't see why he should as he knows what stuff he has and where it is.
Every single day that goes by makes your home more of a shit tip. He will also start accumulating new stuff - even if you think you can magically somehow get him to empty the other house and not bring more stuff to yours. It's a serious mental health disorder and that means that once he's living at yours and you think you've got his stuff under control to a certain extent, he'll start bringing more stuff in and saving more stuff that needs to be binned.
Every day that goes by makes your own mental health worse - you already say you have OCD symptoms regarding cleaning as a reaction to this. Listen to yourself. Get him out immediately before you get to a stage where you can't get him out because your own mental health is too poor.

I don't think anyone has said to dump him. Perhaps I have missed the LTB posts. The vast majority are saying to send him back home immediately and ask him to address his mental health issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2023 10:53

"He has just told me via text he knows he is too attached to things and has been since he was a child"

And what are you supposed to do with that information exactly?. The posters who mentioned codependency are correct, you are mired in codependency and enabling behaviours. And he still will not do anything to address the root causes behind his hoarding because he does not at heart want to face it. Anything connected to his childhood is an integral part of his hoard.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by a previous abusive relationship, are being further eroded and or otherwise got at by this man now. That lack of boundaries in you will further cause emotional harm your children, particularly your eldest, and in time your youngest as she becomes more aware. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Longdarkcloud · 06/06/2023 11:07

OP you need to send him back to his own home and you an carry on your relationship as you were before he moved in. Then you get your home back into shape and the responsibility for his own stuff is up to him.
If might be useful to accompany him tithe doctor about the problem — it seems to have something in common with obsessive compulsive behaviour and that is often treated with medication so maybe that might ameliorate the situation? Clutching at straws here.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 11:10

I have boundaries. I have just realised that I can’t live like this and have told him so. I’ve communicated that I can’t cope with his stuff and have started a discussion about what to do with it with him. He has admitted he holds on emotionally to things. He has taken back loads of stuff this weekend. I will be removing the bits I have that we don’t need and taking them back to his. It’s been sneaking up on me and I now know I can’t live like it. No more of the junk will be coming. He needs to make a decision on what to do with his house. But either way the non useful stuff won’t be coming. I’m boxing up the dvds that have spread beyond the bookshelf and taking them to his. I’ve enabled him by letting him build a big shed. It’s difficult because the garage leaks and it not really usable until we get a new roof. The house is a converted bungalow so no real loft. I think some people are too harsh. I’ve not encountered this before. I’d not been in his drawers and loft or garage I’d not seen till now what he has and it’s mostly rubbish.

OP posts:
knobheeeeed · 06/06/2023 11:17

No more of the junk will be coming

Keep on telling yourself that.....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2023 11:25

Your boundaries, weak as they were to begin with, have been further eroded by both your ex partner and this man you're with now.

re your comment:
"I will be removing the bits I have that we don’t need and taking them back to his"

Be very careful re touching and or otherwise moving his hoard about; he is not going to like you doing this one little bit. Its an integral part of him. And there is an awful lot of his hoard in your house to get rid of already.

Original poster
Onetwothree45 · 06/06/2023 12:09

well a car boot full has just gone back. The biggest box of unopened Lego and a box of dvds so I have free drawers under the tv. He is free to move home to his if he wants to and be with all the stuff.

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 06/06/2023 12:12

This must have been a hard read Onetwothree45. Realising that you've unwittingly been enabling something so harmful for your children, especially when you simply saw it as a "quirk" of your partner.
Well done for establishing the first boundary. Now hopefully you can reclaim your and your children's home from his hoard with every last piece of his rubbish gone so that the whole house is clean, appealing, safe and child friendly. It's good that he has his own home to return to.
He's a father now and the next months will determine whether, once he's removed all his hoard from your home & garden, whether he's prepared to undertake the difficult task of getting help for his illness or whether his hoard matters more than his family.
Wishing you all good luck with this one. Flowers