Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Its the future I’m most worried about. I did think it was a quirk I really did. He has hidden the true extent. Well he had no need to throw stuff away before. He’d just move it to a different room. I love a good car boot like the next person but I’m fine with things coming and things going to balance.

Whats scared me tho most was a comment he made throwing away a lamp base on Saturday. He didn’t know he had it but when he saw it he said I’m keeping this. It’s one of those touch bases. We have lamps so have no need. In the end he quite angrily threw it away and said fine I’ll just buy another one.
I do feel a bit trapped by his thinking and his things currently. More so his thinking.

He has friends who told me this morning that he has attachment issues with his things and I shouldn’t push him. Just send the stuff back and let him sort himself out. They will come and help if I want to. I’ve never ever experienced this kind of intensity over things before. It’s much bigger then I thought.

The thing is what stuff is ok to bring? My stuff is of a better condition so it makes sense to get rid of his.

Don't let him bring anything apart from clothes etc. Anything else will cause you issues. One book will become a bookcase full.

What stuff is ok to bring? Nothing. You've been told to keep him living at his house.

He won't see it like this.
His stuff is important to him - more important than your relationship.

You're trying to make him "see sense" but he has a sever mental illness. He will not view your stuff as better, or more important than his stuff.

You're still missing the point, OP. You think you're being realistic and reasonable and he's just getting angry. Look at how he responded over the lamp base.

I am one of those people who just has one of everything, and who chucks out or recycles things which I no longer need.
I would never survive in a house which contained drawer full of old electrical components, or ancient DVDs.

You have a decision to make - you've had a lot of very good advice on this thread, but you're still trying to make sense of his thought processes.

I’ve enabled him by letting him build a big shed

Yes, you have.

My sister's husband enabled her by agreeing to have an extension built on to their house. The extension was supposed to be another bedroom and another reception room.

Guess what happened to both rooms? Hoarded crap, within a few months. Nobody could get into it. Their DD, who had been looking forward to having her own room, had to move back in with her younger sister.

There was no room in my sister's mind for anything other than the hoard.

None of it. Nothing at all.
Be firm.
You have a house of your own which contains your own possessions.
By letting him bring anything, you're opening the metaphorical door to letting him bring his hoard back in to your house.

Am I right in thinking that despite all the warnings from us op has moved this man into her house?

I think he was already there (from recently) and OP is now trying to figure out how she can get rid of him - except she's trying to analyse him and "help" him to see that all he needs to do is throw all his crap away.

Which will never work, of course.

He didn’t give up on me when I suffered my ptsd. He didn’t give up on me and my daughter as she struggled with seeing her dad and her behaviour was appalling towards him
I'm inclined to think that part of the reason he was so patient with you was that he hoped to be rewarded by getting access to your property into which he could extend his hoard!

From the OP:

His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

So he has moved into her house, she has worked out that it was a mistake, and neither of them have the insight to see that his house will never be rented in the state it's currently in.
Apart from the hoard, there will be problems with the water supply, the electricity, the plumbing generally, the appliances won't work and there will need to be major decorating, carpeting and new curtains needed everywhere.

And that's after the hoard has been jettisoned. Which it never will be.

OP How many storage units or lockers does he currently pay for?

If you are moving everything of his back then you really have two problems looming.

1. He will continue to fill his house with "found treasure " AND start to fill yours only it will be one dvd at a time instead of a box. He will have learnt to do it less obviously. This time next year your house will start looking stuffed and his will be unlivable.

1. Its actually unfair to blend two houses together without actually having anything of his in your house. How would you feel moving into someone else's house and having nothing of yours there? It wouldn't feel a shared place. Which will make him want to hoard more.

In short, it will only get worse. He needs to admit its a big problem, seek therapy, and work on it by himself. You see many many programmes about it and those who were "cured" end up reverting back to hoarding after five years. You won't win this, you can't., he needs to go back home.

I see, due to his problem his own property has become uninhabitable, his solution to this is to have a baby with a woman so as to provide an opening for him to move into her home and make that uninhabitable.
I wonder where his next move will be?

PLEASE listen OP. You really need to understand the nature of hoarding. He CANNOT stop. He need intensive mental health support from a professional who specialises in hoarding and compulsive behaviour.
You need to tell him that until he has admitted he has an issue, recieved the help and therapy he needs and completely got rid of his hoard he cannot move into your house. If you allow him to keep living there, your house will end up the same way. Because he CANNOT STOP. He'll sneak things in, he'll try and hide it, he'll say "It's just this thing" or "I'll bring this in but I'll get rid of something." And he won't. Because he CANNOT STOP.

No he hasn’t had a baby to move and fill. He could live in his house. It’s not like the houses you see on the tv where no room is free and it’s just walkways, well not yet. He is still young and I could very well see that being the case in a decade. His house was very liveable. No new flooring would be needed just a bit of painting. Nothing was damaged, bathroom was surprisingly empty. Most of it was in the garage and the large shed and the spare back room. It’s just he has moved into a house with 3 others. His house won’t fit into mine with all of us living here. What he wants is to bring it all as is but it’s not happening as most of it is rubbish.

He has been here for a year but only so far brought essentials. Every so often he’d go to his and bring more. Instead of sorting through the stuff he just shoves it in drawers in the back room or into the garage and shed. It’s getting to a point where sorting it is a massive job. Like you have said my reasoning of getting the shed and garage sorted so we have storage as we have no loft, setting up some metal shelves and boxing like for like is falling on deaf ears.

We have lamps so have no need. In the end he quite angrily threw it away and said fine I’ll just buy another one

Exactly. And that's what people have been telling you. You can organize him as much as you like and reduce the stuff but he will always have a problem and he'll be constantly acquiring new stuff.

@Elliania I know, Im going through that now. I’ve given the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t know how bad he really is. I wish his parents would have told me, they seem to know something. They don’t seem to like me though and I think they think I’m controlling him. They think I’ve trapped him some how.

He could live in his house

Good. Then he can go back there with his stuff.

He has been here for a year but only so far brought essentials

But that isn't what you said earlier in the thread. You've said several times that he has brought drawers full of old electrical components which are useless, and a load of DVDs which you do not need or want in your house. And a lamp which you persuaded him to throw out.

I think you need to step back if you can, and view this as a serious mental health disorder, which is almost impossible to treat, even when experts are involved.

You're not an expert, OP. With the best will in the world, you're trying to apply LOGIC to this situation. Your partner has no logic where his hoard is concerned.

Believe me, I have been through this with my sister. We had to buy new mattresses and bedding for her three children because her life was so chaotic that she never managed to deal with putting nappies on them at night and their beds were abominable.

Her bathroom, the spare room, and eventually the two-room extension, all got filled with her hoard. Her children really, really suffered.
Don't do this to your children.

I’ve never ever experienced this kind of intensity over things before. It’s much bigger than I thought.

I'm so sorry OP, it must have come as a terrible shock to realise what a fix you're in. At least you can begin to get to grips with the scale of the problem. Better now than in 3, 5, 10, 20 years' time.

If you were to insist that he moved all his hoard out of your house OP (ignore the sheds in the garden for now), how many cars / vans would he need?
You've got one room that's mean to be for the children that's full of his stuff. Plus how much in the other rooms? hallway? stairs? loft?

You will never get to grips with this as his primary relationship is with his hoard. One will never be without the other.

I'm asking so you can work out how realistic is it to return your house to a welcoming place for you and your children? If you said, everything out except for some clothes / toiletries how long would it take to clear?