Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

As* @mathanxiety says: You are becoming completely enmeshed with the hoarding.*

Keeping the laces in order to be able to let go of the shoes is very telling as to where he is on any journey here.

I don't mean to sound condescending but you just aren't equipped to have a meaningful discussion with him about this.
He is trying to please you, not trying to fix himself.
No it wouldn't be fair to make him get rid of all his possessions in order to share a home, but it would be reasonable to expect any partner to reassess what is needed to be half of a family.
No matter how much he does or doesn't care about you and a new family he won't be able to because he's still in the grip of the disorder.

*issue

I feel bad throwing him away. I suffered quite bad abuse and he stood by me when I was at the grip of my ptsd. I’m much better but now I see his hoarding problem which I guess has gone a bit un noticed. I know I can’t fix him, I’ve been there done that. I feel too deep to get out.

standardduck Impossible as it seems he may well not recognize it as an issue, just as anorexics look in the mirror or at the scales and don't see they're skeletal. Being told you have issues changes nothing, just adds guilt and mortification which some turn inward and many outward.

Onetwothree45 You aren't to deep to get out. The question is do you deeply love and want him, or is it guilt and hope keeping you in the situation?

I am listening to what everyone is saying. I’m just in a bit of shock really. I guess he has had a relationship with stuff for decades before meeting me. I’m sad because as a person he has so many good qualities apart from this, he made me feel safe at a time when I didn’t but now I’m starting to feel unsafe again because of the stuff.

@Elleherd of course I love and want to be with him. He has a problem but he has many good qualities. He didn’t give up on me when I suffered my ptsd. He didn’t give up on me and my daughter as she struggled with seeing her dad and her behaviour was appalling towards him. His condition isn’t who he is, just like my ptsd wasn’t. But then I recognised I had a problem.

Perhaps I’m not helping him at all. He did throw away half a dustbin full of stuff the weekend, reluctantly but he did. I just saw the amount still remaining and panicked. Perhaps I’m not being hard enough on the stuff not coming and trying instead on accommodating it.

You could try living in separate houses so that his hoard doesn’t impact your life. But in that case if he ever does childcare it would have to be at your house.

The issue is also that he'll now want to keep all the baby stuff, you'll end up with numerous prams, just in case, when you have a teenager, baby clothes etc.

I think you need to ask him to leave. You don't have to finish the relationship, he just can't live with you until he's had therapy of some sort. As for money, you will be able to claim child maintenance off him and potentially also benefits. You can also claim a % of childcare costs too which will help when you return to work

Ok, so if you really want him in your lives as opposed to settling for him, you need to start by putting in firm boundaries over bringing in more. What's there has to be sorted through, minimized as much as possible and organized if not removed back to his house.
Accept that financially and physically you're better off living apart while you learn about hoarding. If you still want him living with you regardless, then accept he brings in little financially because he needs to either support his stuff in his house, or in storage. Think a lot about how all this impacts on your DD.
His condition isn't who he is, but currently the stuff is part of him and the deal. He isn't ready or able to just change for you or anyone else. Accept it, and look at how that works out in a relationship.

Once you actually understand hoarding disorder, you're in a position to try and help him access information and maybe help, but even then all you're doing is helping short cut some of the years it generally takes for people with the disorder to start working at freeing themselves.
It's still a long haul journey even when self aware, recognizing the issues, able to help others etc

You cannot live with a hoarder. And you cannot ever put boundaries in place because they cannot control their hoard so you can’t control it either. If you insist on their throwing stuff out, it’s simply replaced with other stuff.

@BanditsOnTheHorizon ive been selling stuff as she outgrows and he isn’t bothered which is odd. I’ve also been throwing away cooking tins and trays he used to keep and he’s not bothered. It’s just all the stuff he’s accrued before me really. All his many projects that realistically he won’t do.

You don't have to leave him, just don't live with him. That might be the biggest kindness of all.

I’ve asked him whether he would prefer to move back home. We’ve never really discussed it and the baby came along and it’s all been a bit rushed. I don’t want to cause him distress having to throw it but then I don’t want the distress it’s causing me to keep it.

His hoarding is making me ocd with cleaning and trying to slot things away, I’m getting anxious and I don’t need it with a baby who doesn’t sleep ever. This is such a rubbish situation and I feel terrible that I didn’t really see the extent of the issue until now. We were much happier when he could do what he wanted in his house and I had my space. He’s so snappy now and so am I, we aren’t particularly happy. I can’t understand his thinking.

Can he continue to financially support you and the children in your current home whilst he resides elsewhere.

It's a shame he doesn't seem to recognise his mental ill health. Perhaps you can appeal to his role as a father- he needs to be clean to keep his children safe.

He can't understand it either. You need to stop looking for some rational explanation because there isn't one. You can't keep looking for the way to rationalise with him about it because he is unable to think rationally about the board.
If you féel he is in other ways a good man you can continue your relationship living apart.

Nothing odd about him not having issues with the babies things going, he's not invested in having more or hanging onto those particular memories, or with cooking tins and trays going, there's a steady stream of replacements if needed.

Of course he's miserable and snappy, you're trying to control him, shape him, and make him fit the plan: stepping up to fatherhood, with responsibility towards your DD and you too, living with you your way, and creating income from renting out his house. It's understandable but self defeating. He quite probably would like to, but didn't realize how much of 'himself' had to go, or that he couldn't do all of it, it when it came to it..

You can't understand his thinking because you don't understand his condition.
I and others can tell you until the cows come home, but until you either do the work in learning and boundary setting, or make him live elsewhere. This is it until you've both wrecked the good bits of the relationship enough to break up and do what you should have in the first place - live apart and deal with his disorder as you go.

I mean this very kindly. I don't know if you have read my comments, but truly I have been there, got the book, bought the t shirt, saw the film etc. I probably helped to write the book. People who hoard can't get better unless they know exactly what they are doing and why. Most don't want to understand periodically my late DH would chuck some stuff out. It was just enough to make me think that he was serious about decluttering. He never got to grips with it. Why keep utility bills from 20 years ago? Why keep your school blazer? Why keep scrapbooks of random stuff? Why hundreds of t shirts, shoes never worn? Why was there a Bombay mix of bits and pieces that might come in handy? Why did I become depressed and anxious? Because I did love him, and could not say let's live apart. You have your clutter a d I will live in a clutter free home.
Please, please don't be me. 40 plus years later I am just finished getting rid of his stuff after his death. It's taken me over a year. What a waste!

Sorry for typos.

OP 'tough love' straight talk coming up. What I see is you making him out to be a long suffering man.

I can imagine having to move in with me and my daughter, having a baby and a really fussy one at that has been challenging.

and

He didn’t give up on me when I suffered my ptsd. He didn’t give up on me and my daughter as she struggled with seeing her dad and her behaviour was appalling towards him.

The poor, poor hard done by man. He didn't HAVE to move in with you and your children, he CHOSE to. Know who didn't have a choice with this man moving into her home, disrupting her life, turning her life upside down and also reminding her of the father she can't see? Your DAUGHTER! You make out like this man is a saint for putting up with your daughter. Did you ever, ever, JUST ONCE, think how difficult it is for your daughter to put up with a man in her house, and have her home, her safe space, overtaken with his junk? Did you ever stop to think about what she has gone through and sacrificed, just so you can have a man? She is, naturally and understandably, lashing out at the man who has invaded her safe home when the she can't be with the man she wants; her father! And you think this other man is a saint for 'putting up with' your daughters understandable emotional trauma? You're not real!

It's hard enough her having to deal with the absence of her father, she now has to deal with this man moving into her home, with all his garbage, and THEN being made out as if he is a saint for the pure privilege of him doing so.

You really don't stop to think about your daughter, how she has had to deal with this man moving into her territory and disrupting her life and what she has had to endure, do you? You've got the saint/villain completely the wrong way around. And you wonder why your poor girl is acting up. Put your daughter first before dick. You owe it to her. You've been told repeatedly to live in separate houses. By everyone. You are simply not listening. You keep posting away whimpering and complaining. You asked for advice. You've been told what to do. All you said was you 'asked' him if he felt better at his house. Not even told. You've been told to send him back to his house. It would be a win for you, a win for him, and most importantly, a win for your children. You keep posting away, ignoring us and making excuses for him. Btw, your bar is so excruciatingly low. If he loved you, putting up with your PTSD is the most basic bare minimum. So now you feel you owe him for him being a semi decent man, instead of putting your health and your children first. Your bar is subterranean. FFS act on the advice you were given, send him back to his house, which is why you asked for advice otherwise we're wasting our time.

Wow, absolutely everything @FelisCatus0 says above.
And of course he doesn't care you got rid of the baby stuff why would he? Its not his and it just takes up room he could have.

@FelisCatus0 the house at the moment is not that bad. His house on the other hand is. You don’t don’t have a clue about what’s happening regarding my daughter so you can keep your comments to yourself thank you very much. The reason my daughter who got on so well with my partner changed was because her father came back into her life after many years absent and started telling her she is only allowed one dad, one man, no one else. He does not like her having relationships with any men, friends or family members. You really shouldn’t make such wild accusations you know nothing about. I protect my daughter to the ends of the earth.

Im dealing with something here that I am finding overwhelming and looking for advice and not judgment, especially when you have no facts.

I’m sleep deprived, I get 2 hours a night maximum for 6 months. I’m absolutely exhausted right now so give me a break if I don’t jump at your suggestions. I need to process, I’m a human not a robot.

No one is judging you OP. But you need to understand that this will be having an effect on your children.

Look at the other posts on here where people have told you their experiences of growing up with a hoarder.

You can't cure it or control it. You have to accept that.

Protect your children.