He’s crushed me. What next?

[TroddenOn]

Please help me if you can?

I’m a 43 year old divorcee. Divorced 3 years ago and I have 2 wonderful children.

Since the divorce, there was the pandemic, I had a bereavement and life has been alright but not amazing. I’m struggling financially but my children are fantastic, I love my job and I have great friends.

Until recently, I really liked myself. I’m overweight but I’m told that I have a nice body shape and a pretty face. I’m a really nice, good person. People love working with me and for me because I’m a supportive boss and apparently a good role model.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get the chance to meet new men and I felt confident and attractive.

Now I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I met a man 16 months ago and he has destroyed me somehow. I don’t even understand how it happened.

He’s 2 years younger, we have professional jobs, we’re both bright, he’s extremely funny. However, he’s quite an acquired taste and isn’t conventionally attractive.

I’m beginning to think he is a narcissist because he seemed really in to me at first. However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Today is the last straw. On Monday he was desperate to see me for a date. Arranged for today. Yesterday he messages to manage my expectations that he’s on medication (true) and he’s not well but he’s open to being persuaded into still meeting. I didn’t lower myself to persuading him. Lots more friendly chat and flirting. Today he cancels the date because he’s tired. I give a very short reply. He knows I’m cross. That’s it now. It’s over.

But now I am left with the shell of my confidence. He preferred every other woman to me. Women who were much slimmer or much fatter. Women who rejected him who slept with lots of guys except him (I on the other hand have been 100% loyal to him). Women who are more clever than me (although I am well qualified and have a challenging, academically rigorous job).

So now what? I have no confidence left. Objectively I see I look the same and I look nice. But I feel like a worthless piece of trash because that’s how he treated me and now I’m believing his interpretation of me.

How can I build myself up again? How can I give myself value again? How can I get some hope back that one day I will have a loving relationship?

I feel trodden on. Worthless. Hopeless. Of no value.

You do realise that this behaviour is typical of incel-types who study how to fuck with a woman’s head and leave her feeling bereft of value? Allowing him so many chances to change his mind and “be confused” before you even met was dangerous behaviour. He had you hooked because you allowed it. At no stage did you tell him to grow up and sort himself out. Please listen to what was said up thread about how we give these men more chances than we do our friends, and change that behaviour. Why on earth do we accept such bad behaviour from them when we know we deserve more? We EXPECT very little from them in the first place. You need to expect more. Expect better. Accept nothing less. You will return to form, knowing that you are truly a great human being and you WILL be treated like one. Also worth reminding yourself that you were much happier before you met him.

Lots of excellent posts on here.

Yes it’s a push/pull dynamic to destabilise you.

Yes a boundary is pointless if there are no consequences and YOU do nothing.

Yes - why take on poor behaviour that wouldn’t be acceptable from a friend or acquaintance never mind a partner ?

look up negging OP, see if any of that seems to fit with what he's said to you.

@Fraaahnces This!! 👍