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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s crushed me. What next?

104 replies

TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 17:41

Please help me if you can?

I’m a 43 year old divorcee. Divorced 3 years ago and I have 2 wonderful children.

Since the divorce, there was the pandemic, I had a bereavement and life has been alright but not amazing. I’m struggling financially but my children are fantastic, I love my job and I have great friends.

Until recently, I really liked myself. I’m overweight but I’m told that I have a nice body shape and a pretty face. I’m a really nice, good person. People love working with me and for me because I’m a supportive boss and apparently a good role model.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get the chance to meet new men and I felt confident and attractive.

Now I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I met a man 16 months ago and he has destroyed me somehow. I don’t even understand how it happened.

He’s 2 years younger, we have professional jobs, we’re both bright, he’s extremely funny. However, he’s quite an acquired taste and isn’t conventionally attractive.

I’m beginning to think he is a narcissist because he seemed really in to me at first. However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Today is the last straw. On Monday he was desperate to see me for a date. Arranged for today. Yesterday he messages to manage my expectations that he’s on medication (true) and he’s not well but he’s open to being persuaded into still meeting. I didn’t lower myself to persuading him. Lots more friendly chat and flirting. Today he cancels the date because he’s tired. I give a very short reply. He knows I’m cross. That’s it now. It’s over.

But now I am left with the shell of my confidence. He preferred every other woman to me. Women who were much slimmer or much fatter. Women who rejected him who slept with lots of guys except him (I on the other hand have been 100% loyal to him). Women who are more clever than me (although I am well qualified and have a challenging, academically rigorous job).

So now what? I have no confidence left. Objectively I see I look the same and I look nice. But I feel like a worthless piece of trash because that’s how he treated me and now I’m believing his interpretation of me.

How can I build myself up again? How can I give myself value again? How can I get some hope back that one day I will have a loving relationship?

I feel trodden on. Worthless. Hopeless. Of no value.

OP posts:
Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:29

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/06/2023 19:17

Well you may feel too broken to date now, but that is because you need a bit of time to recover from this horrible man. Maybe you just weren't ready to date.

There seems to have been a pattern of him chopping and changing, casting you off and then reeling you back in .... just to see if he can.... just to see if you will jump when he says jump. That is not a relationship. That is him playing mind games with you to reassure him self that he is just that gorgeous and has a mysterious power over women and to make himself feel that he is the attractive one and you are not. Of course he was lovely to you at first. He's a con man.and you are seeing the real person now. ... you say you don't know if he's a narcissist or just mixed up!! He's both! and neither of them are healthy personalities for you to be around.
I guarantee given that you've not responded he will start sending you love bombing texts - that is the next stage of the game. Can he push things until you almost leave, and then can he win you back again Dont fall for it.
Give yourself recovery time before dating again. Be a bit more cautious. Build friendships and activities and pat yourself on the back occasionally. If a relationship is right - all these mind games go away. Best of luck OP

Show quote history

Yes this is exactly what happened. He changed his mind 21 times even before our first date! I’m not exaggerating, I wrote it down. He’s always “confused”.

Well, I find loyalty and consistency sexy and I find all this confusion from him boring. He would hate to be boring. I think that’s his biggest fear.

Yes, I’m pretty sure he will panic and start being really nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:30

Clymene · 01/06/2023 19:19

I suspect your self-esteem was very superficial if I'm being honest. Men like him can spot vulnerable women a mile off. Most of us would have told him to piss off the moment he started talking about other women during sex. But you stayed and I think you need to ask yourself why. What you said about your parent blowing hot and cold is really telling. You have had it baked into you that if you're good, you might get the nice person to come back. He saw that in you and exploited it.

And I also suspect the fact that he isn't conventionally attractive was kind of insurance for you - you thought he'd be so thrilled to have you because he's punching above his weight that he'd treat you well and that's what's really punched a big hole in your self belief. Even an ugly man doesn't cherish you! Just FYI most men have a very very overinflated sense of their own attractiveness so bin that idea right now.

The negative feelings your parent gave you are still there, informing your choices. Go and work on those. Not all therapy is the same - if it's not digging up really painful and difficult memories, you won't be doing the work needed to heal.

I wish you the best of luck ❤️

Thank you. Yes, everything you have said is true

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 01/06/2023 19:37

Is T actually a C? In more ways than one

FlamingoQueen · 01/06/2023 19:39

Congratulations on shedding (insert weight here) from your life today. You are not responsible for this man and he does not deserve you in any way, shape or form. You will find someone that deserves you and doesn’t make you feel like crap. Or you may not, but you will be happy being yourself.
Let him be someone else’s problem now. Good luck.

Museya15 · 01/06/2023 19:40

AbbyGal · 01/06/2023 19:29

So, how is that helpful?

maybe you should remember that if you can't at anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Show quote history

I think it was extremely helpful, you know a reality check instead of telling op what she wants to hear for a few hours like you lot are doing.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:43

Museya15 · 01/06/2023 19:40

I think it was extremely helpful, you know a reality check instead of telling op what she wants to hear for a few hours like you lot are doing.

Show quote history

I appreciate your thoughts on this.

I really want to be happy.

I also really want to have a mutual loving relationship.

I’m pretty sure that if I let him manipulate me I won’t get these things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:44

OneMoreCookieMonster · 01/06/2023 19:37

Is T actually a C? In more ways than one

He’s actually a T. But also probably a bit of a c* :)

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 01/06/2023 19:48

Crikeyalmighty · 01/06/2023 18:22

After my divorce in 1990 I met a guy like this- total opposite of my ex husband and he was quite the charmer! (Also 2 years younger than me) initially he was great but turned out to be a complete cocklodging waste of space- final straw for me after I had a termination (at the point I knew I wanted him to disappear off the face of the earth) was he put up a banner in the house on my return saying 'hope your fanny gets better soon' - I exited stage left within weeks!!

Wtf! He did what? I'm shocked! @Crikeyalmighty

OneMoreCookieMonster · 01/06/2023 19:53

TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:44

He’s actually a T. But also probably a bit of a c* :)

Show quote history

Sounds like it. You're better off without him and his narcissistic ways and triangulation.

You've got this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 19:56

Whatever his reasons are, he's not making you happy. He sounds light a drain of emotions. Relationships should build you up. It sounds like it did at first but sadly isn't now.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 20:05

He doesn’t give me anything.
He barely ever wants to meet me.
He never asks about me.
He asks me all about his problems in my area of professional expertise.
He very rarely compliments me.
He’s never introduced me to anyone (family or friends).

OP posts:
KatyKopykat · 01/06/2023 20:06

You don't need this flim flam man in your life, he sounds pointless!

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 20:07

I would never cancel a date with him if I felt a bit tired. He obviously doesn’t give a shit. In fact he’s probably meeting someone else.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 01/06/2023 20:07

TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 19:16

Okay, I’m going to try an exercise here in which I go through the thought process that I had with the new non-friend when she disrespected me and see if I can substitute this guy into the thought steps instead:

I’ll call him T.

  • wow, I’m seeing T in a new light tonight.
  • T’s behaving in an immature and disrespectful way towards me by blowing hot and cold and playing with my emotions and cancelling our date.
  • I don’t need to put up with this.
  • I don’t even like or respect T now after this. (😱This is where I stumble)
  • I have no interest in still dating T (untrue)
  • I can’t even be bothered to have it out with T because he’s clearly not my type of person. (possibly but only because I know he just won’t get it)

You’re still interested in dating him? Oh dear. I fear you may go back at the first soppy pleading apology. Please do yourself a favour and don’t or this will be your roller coaster of emotions life for your foreseeable future until he deigns you’re no longer worth his time.

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 20:09

KatyKopykat · 01/06/2023 20:06

You don't need this flim flam man in your life, he sounds pointless!

The good bits about him:

  • he liked my curves
  • he touches my skin in an amazing way
  • I find him mentally stimulating
  • he makes me laugh
  • we like the same books, films, music, holidays, etc
  • he’s not boring
OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 20:10

The 'good bits! Are extremely replaceable if that helps at all

Original poster
TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 20:12

willWillSmithsmith · 01/06/2023 20:07

You’re still interested in dating him? Oh dear. I fear you may go back at the first soppy pleading apology. Please do yourself a favour and don’t or this will be your roller coaster of emotions life for your foreseeable future until he deigns you’re no longer worth his time.

Show quote history

I still have feelings for him but I think that must be because of the abuse I suffered as a child. I loved my parent, even when they behaved appallingly. I didn’t think it was my fault or a reflection on me. So when T treats me badly, my natural reaction isn’t to tell him where to go. As a previous poster said, some of these responses got baked in me.

However, I can use my rational mind to resist getting involved with someone again, even though I have feelings for him. Ultimately I want a partner and I won’t find one while I’m heartbroken over T. Or wasting time on T.

OP posts:
Username620 · 01/06/2023 20:20

I’ve just split with the first person I dated after my partner died, together for 20 months - he was very similar, without the talking about other women - he never did that.
Blowing hot and cold. Calling off meeting because he was tired but then going to BBQ with neighbours.
Or not even telling me what was happening when we had half plans. He would never treat his friends this way.

He wants to be friends but I can’t do that. I would end up in bed with him again.
Now I’m trying to work on myself. I feel very very lonely.

Bluebellsbells · 01/06/2023 20:20

I think this might be a case of fake it until you make it. Your rational side knows how horrendous he is, bad news, won't be a good life partner, but your emotional side still says what if! Your rational side is bang on the money, in this instance you need to follow this.

Believe me post divorce I had terrible dating situations from OLD for six years. From being love bombed to ghosted to being promised the world one minute to being ditched the next. I was even ditched when I had the ordacity to break my leg (accidentally). But after each crap situation the silver lining was I raised my standard and decided what I wouldn't accept. Soon it was me doing the ditching because they simply weren't good enough. Finally after what seemed like an age (and it wasn't all bad) I found my husband- who is incredible.

I also learned that each 'relationship' took about a month to get over, because I was missing the ideal in my head rather than the person who I really didn't know that well.

I think you are in the same boat here- you picture a relationship a life with this man and have inserted him in your mind with your ideals and standards- but he isn't this person, you know this because he's treated you appallingly. So have comfort in knowing it's not you it's him and persevere there are great people out there, don't dwell on the ones you need to throw back too much. X

Username620 · 01/06/2023 20:22

Meant to say that I think it’s for the best. It’s hard but I’m better than that and you are too

gotitgoingon · 01/06/2023 20:22

Sounds like he used intermittent reward to mess with your head. It's not you, it's him and you will recover.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/06/2023 20:24

@firstmummy2019 - yep it was a shocker ! And made me realise some men simply are off the scale idiots and that they don't come with a lanyard round their neck identifying them

2021mumma · 01/06/2023 20:24

You deserve so much better than this.

A lucky escape I think. Don't look back just forward.

Bluebellsbells · 01/06/2023 20:31

• he liked my curves
• he touches my skin in an amazing way
• I find him mentally stimulating
• he makes me laugh
• we like the same books, films, music, holidays, etc
• he’s not boring

  1. These are low standards for a life partner. Physical attraction is important but he should adore your physical side- remember Bridget Jones 'love you just the way you are'
  1. You can teach any partner to do this!
  1. This would be great if at the same time he didn't dump you last minute, constantly compare you to his exes.
  1. Greg Davis makes me laugh that's his job! Watch taskmaster for this one!
  1. Most people love going on holiday, most people love music- these are often common ground features in a relationship not unique to him.
  1. He's a drama llama 🦙 and living with one of them long term is not fun.

Raise your standards!!!

StMarysTrainee · 01/06/2023 20:38

TroddenOn · 01/06/2023 20:05

He doesn’t give me anything.
He barely ever wants to meet me.
He never asks about me.
He asks me all about his problems in my area of professional expertise.
He very rarely compliments me.
He’s never introduced me to anyone (family or friends).

Keep rereading what you’ve written here if you are tempted to speak to him again. And don’t! You are a strong, caring, intelligent and beautiful woman and the right partner will make you feel cherished and respected, and seen and appreciated.
I found that the first couple of relationships I tried after my divorce were ones that knocked my confidence in some ways more than the divorce…it takes time to find “you” again.
If people make you feel knocked down, not built up, they are not good for you.