He’s crushed me. What next?

[TroddenOn]

Please help me if you can?

I’m a 43 year old divorcee. Divorced 3 years ago and I have 2 wonderful children.

Since the divorce, there was the pandemic, I had a bereavement and life has been alright but not amazing. I’m struggling financially but my children are fantastic, I love my job and I have great friends.

Until recently, I really liked myself. I’m overweight but I’m told that I have a nice body shape and a pretty face. I’m a really nice, good person. People love working with me and for me because I’m a supportive boss and apparently a good role model.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get the chance to meet new men and I felt confident and attractive.

Now I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I met a man 16 months ago and he has destroyed me somehow. I don’t even understand how it happened.

He’s 2 years younger, we have professional jobs, we’re both bright, he’s extremely funny. However, he’s quite an acquired taste and isn’t conventionally attractive.

I’m beginning to think he is a narcissist because he seemed really in to me at first. However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Today is the last straw. On Monday he was desperate to see me for a date. Arranged for today. Yesterday he messages to manage my expectations that he’s on medication (true) and he’s not well but he’s open to being persuaded into still meeting. I didn’t lower myself to persuading him. Lots more friendly chat and flirting. Today he cancels the date because he’s tired. I give a very short reply. He knows I’m cross. That’s it now. It’s over.

But now I am left with the shell of my confidence. He preferred every other woman to me. Women who were much slimmer or much fatter. Women who rejected him who slept with lots of guys except him (I on the other hand have been 100% loyal to him). Women who are more clever than me (although I am well qualified and have a challenging, academically rigorous job).

So now what? I have no confidence left. Objectively I see I look the same and I look nice. But I feel like a worthless piece of trash because that’s how he treated me and now I’m believing his interpretation of me.

How can I build myself up again? How can I give myself value again? How can I get some hope back that one day I will have a loving relationship?

I feel trodden on. Worthless. Hopeless. Of no value.

I’m so sorry that you’re lonely. I hope you find new happiness xxx

Oh and @TroddenOn if you have t read them I recommend the Chronicles of St Mary’s book series for a pick me up.

Thank you. I’m so glad you met someone decent.

I have learned a lot from this experience.

Well you were all right. He’s messaging me now. Saying he hopes I’m not too angry with him. He wants to sit down with me and clear the air, etc, etc. I don’t think he has any new information to offer. He just realises that I’m at breaking point. I’m beyond breaking point.

You just need to block him or cut him off OP. No sit downs, no bullshit explanations. He will twist in against you and make you feel bad.

You need to cut him off like you should have done when he changed his mind 21 times before your first date (What the fuck did I read?!)
If that's true then you ignored major red flags from the very beginning.

Just tell him it's not working for you. End of. And block his number.

Then take some time out from dating and explore more therapy.

*twist it against you

He sounds like he might indulge in a bit of negging to keep your confidence low and keep you thinking that you are so lucky to have him. So therefore will happily live with his shit.
Dumpydump time.

Boundaries you don’t enforce are just suggestions! My new life mantra 😁. I’d suggest you take some time to really think about your boundaries (you can add more as they come up). However todays question is how often do you think it is ok for a guy to cancel on you? Once? Twice in 6 months? 23 times a year? Pick the number, make it a boundary and enforce it.. you don’t need to warn him, you need a guy who treats you well because he respects you, cares about you and is a decent human being and not because he wants you not to be angry. If this dude has cancelled on you more than your boundary limit then ditch him. It’s not a boundary if you don’t enforce it (for reference my boundary is twice in a rolling 6 months. I’d forgive one cancellation but not a second).

I’ve realised that he hasn’t actually cancelled on me before but he often acts like the date might not happen and almost tries to get me to pin him down to it.

99% of the time he suggests the date then starts making flaking noises when the date approaches. This time I didn’t engage with it.

You sound like a lovely person OP! I am so sorry this asshole has seriously messed with your head. You need to step way back from dating for a while and work on learning to love yourself. Something tells me it isn't really over since you speak about his qualities and in the present tense. Surely you must end this relationship in your head. Don't waste your time trying to get closure or hoping to feel good by telling him off or dropping him. He is not worth the 5 seconds of your energy it would take to type : FO. It would only give him a chance to stick his foot in the door again. Just block him and forget. Do some reading or watch some YouTube about narcissistic men.

@TroddenOn Wake up. Shake off this pile of shit. You are worth so much more!!

What next op? Dump the F**king twat! Take control and finish with this waste of space. You will find it does wonders for your self esteem.

I've just this week decided that my boundaries have been crossed too many times and I won't be manipulated into thinking I'm being unreasonable or expecting too much. He's tried to get me to come back with insults and outright bullying, but I've said I'm done and I don't want anything to do with him anymore. He's absolutely shocked at how 'unreasonable' I'm being. But fuck what he thinks. And fuck what this guy thinks. Do what I did and bin him off.

Honestly, it feels great. What will give you confidence is if you find the power to put your foot down and say you deserve better. Hold your head up high. Concentrate on other things as much as you can. Go see friends or get a ticket to something you really want to go to and go on your own. Prove to yourself that you're worth it.

Good luck 🌺

You start buy blocking him and never letting a man or anyone for that matter treat you like shit and you not do any thing about it. He should have been gone the first time he disrespected you.

It doesn't matter if he is messed up or a manipulative player. Whatever it is it has upset you and that's it.

I wouldn't even end things with him I would just ghost. I think he has treated you appallingly. Talking about exes during sex? That is gross.

Just block and delete don't call text answer nothing.

Also - you WILL get over this. It will just take time. You'll be fine OP

Well done. Pls do not engage with him at all

It is, and you are already her. Speak gently and encouragingly to yourself. You're a fine, strong woman and you'll feel better and better as time passes.

I had a 'relationship' with a covert narcissist - or should I say 'almost had a relationship' because the fucker would suggest, back off, suggest, back off, act, back off... all to play his silly game. So I walked away. Took me far too long though. Five years later I look back and laugh.

he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going

What a fucking weirdo re the sex and talking about his exes. That's so messed up.

Do you think his blowing hot and cold with you had more appeal for you? A challenge?

So be prepared for him to pursue you hotly now you've gone cold on him. And on it goes.

Look, you sound like a real catch. He sounds like such a tosser.

Tossers like him can spot really kind, good, lovely people like you a mile off. Your responses to him have been human and trusting. Normal. He's an irritant frankly. Someone who feels the need to mess other people around as if it gives them some sort of control. Weakling.

Please bin him. Block him. There is absolutely no way he is in your league at all. Be alone for a bit. It's great to be single.

Thank you @BlastedPimples

In answer to your questions…

Do you think his blowing hot and cold with you had more appeal for you? A challenge? — I think the intermittent reinforcement probably bonded me to him more than it should have done. Also, I liked it that he wasn’t too intense because that has scared me off in the past.

So be prepared for him to pursue you hotly now you've gone cold on him. And on it goes.
– he was messaging last night but when I eventually replied he cooled off again.

Look, you sound like a real catch. He sounds like such a tosser.
— thank you!

Tossers like him can spot really kind, good, lovely people like you a mile off. Your responses to him have been human and trusting. Normal. He's an irritant frankly. Someone who feels the need to mess other people around as if it gives them some sort of control. Weakling.
— I think you’re right about him. I don’t know why he’s so insecure. He could be having a lovely relationship but he’d rather chuck that away and behave like a tosser. His loss.

Please bin him. Block him. There is absolutely no way he is in your league at all. Be alone for a bit. It's great to be single.
-— my marriage was lonely and my ex boyfriend before that was distant. I have never had a mutually affectionate, mutually loving relationship. I also like sex but I only want it within a relationship with someone who I am emotionally attracted to. So I would like to meet someone one day.

Thank you. Yes maybe he’s a narc.

How do I get my head around accepting that he’s not the only man in the world? That I will fancy someone else?

I think I suffer from that scarcity principle problem and I don’t see an abundance of options.

However, I live in a big city, I work in a profession that has a high turnover of attractive men (but all attached, too young or they don’t fancy women). How do I flip into an abundance mindset?

I think there has been a small shift already. I’m off work today and off to the hairdressers. I’m wearing my usual style of clothes (slim fitting crew neck jumper with denim pencil skirt and wedges), my hair is down, make up on, all as usual, but I think I have a new confidence. I have had several ‘looks’ this morning. All from men I have zero interest in but still. Perhaps there has been a shift in me. Or maybe it’s my new sunglasses! ;)

The only thing to do OP is keep doing what you're doing because you're doing great. Scarcity is soon solved by tiny reminders each day, realising you feel great in that outfit, realising you have a lot to give. Best of all, knowing you saw what he was offering and you said 'Nah! That's not enough'. That's self respect and it's its own reward. You'll be feeling better in no time now that he's not around treating people like they should be grateful to get scraps, or their time isn't worth honouring.

It's the push me pull me game

You go towards him, get close, he starts to pull away, replacing good behaviour with behaviour that is insulting and hurtful, so you back off (your 'sure' message to his cancelled date), he starts to Hoover you back in again, which is why he suddenly wants to talk about it. I absolutely guarantee if you had got upset and wanted to see him, you'd not have heard from him, but when you suddenly put some boundaries in place, he suddenly has renewed interest.

He probably liked you because you are confident and self assured, men like that find it a challenge to tear down confident women, they like that they can confuse and tie in knots confident people - it makes him feel good.

He's an arsehole.

Anyone who thinks it's ok to compare you to an ex is an arsehole, anyone who does this during sex is a cunt.

You're well rid op.

I suspect until you develop a sense of self worth that doesn't revolve around how attractive men find you, you're going to struggle with self esteem issues.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme or similar. It really opens your eyes to the ways in which men manipulate women. Once you recognise the behaviours, it should help you make better choices and have stronger boundaries.

Also, it's OK to be single. It's actually really nice to just be able to do your own thing and not have to think about anyone else.