He’s crushed me. What next?

[TroddenOn]

Please help me if you can?

I’m a 43 year old divorcee. Divorced 3 years ago and I have 2 wonderful children.

Since the divorce, there was the pandemic, I had a bereavement and life has been alright but not amazing. I’m struggling financially but my children are fantastic, I love my job and I have great friends.

Until recently, I really liked myself. I’m overweight but I’m told that I have a nice body shape and a pretty face. I’m a really nice, good person. People love working with me and for me because I’m a supportive boss and apparently a good role model.

When I got divorced, I was really excited to get the chance to meet new men and I felt confident and attractive.

Now I feel like I have nothing to offer.

I met a man 16 months ago and he has destroyed me somehow. I don’t even understand how it happened.

He’s 2 years younger, we have professional jobs, we’re both bright, he’s extremely funny. However, he’s quite an acquired taste and isn’t conventionally attractive.

I’m beginning to think he is a narcissist because he seemed really in to me at first. However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop. He messed me around and blew so hot and cold that I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

Today is the last straw. On Monday he was desperate to see me for a date. Arranged for today. Yesterday he messages to manage my expectations that he’s on medication (true) and he’s not well but he’s open to being persuaded into still meeting. I didn’t lower myself to persuading him. Lots more friendly chat and flirting. Today he cancels the date because he’s tired. I give a very short reply. He knows I’m cross. That’s it now. It’s over.

But now I am left with the shell of my confidence. He preferred every other woman to me. Women who were much slimmer or much fatter. Women who rejected him who slept with lots of guys except him (I on the other hand have been 100% loyal to him). Women who are more clever than me (although I am well qualified and have a challenging, academically rigorous job).

So now what? I have no confidence left. Objectively I see I look the same and I look nice. But I feel like a worthless piece of trash because that’s how he treated me and now I’m believing his interpretation of me.

How can I build myself up again? How can I give myself value again? How can I get some hope back that one day I will have a loving relationship?

I feel trodden on. Worthless. Hopeless. Of no value.

It's pretty wise you learned from your childhood and articulated it well.

Conflict isn't a crime. You will have to learn how to step up for yourself even if it's scary because nobody will do it on your stead.

You have the right to ask where you stand with someone and talk about your needs. Hopfully then both people come to an agreement what is possible and fair and what not.

He doesn’t sound much of a loss. I’d be feeling relieved if he wasn’t in my life anymore, funny or not. I agree with others that you need to work on yourself first as you sounds a bit too fragile at the moment to put yourself out there. There’s more to life than dating life's flotsam, you deserve more but you need to be in the right headspace and know your worth and you are worth a lot more than him (even if that means being with no one).

@Pacflan Thank you

Oh my!!! Was he trying to be funny???

Please go and get therapy. It will help you develop a sense of self worth which isn't reliant on a shitty man's opinions. He's a horrible bloke who has tried very hard to destroy your self esteem and he's done it.

Spend your money, time and energy working on loving yourself. Your value should never be related to a man's opinion of you.

Thank you. That made me cry.

Yes he’s very insecure and immature. It’s a shame because he’s very clever, funny and I think he’s gorgeous. He shouldn’t feel insecure.

When I would implore him not to talk about “the best sex he ever had was with M” or “it’s no coincidence that the most attractive women I ever slept with was from when I wad hanging out with [such and such a guy friend]”. I would pull him up on it and he’d act like I was being a complete weirdo for being bothered.

I can’t see myself ever dating again. He was my first date, post divorce.

However, he would talk about his exes constantly, even during sex, even when I asked him to stop.

Did you really believe he ever had those relationships?

He's a fantasist, boasting and lying to you about his sexual prowess with numerous women to make YOU feel as ugly and unwanted and unsuccessful as he is.

I just cannot believe how any confident intelligent woman ever falls for this kind of malignant crap from such obvious losers.

This resonated with me so much. Thank you. I’m going to copy it into my notes so I can remind myself of it. X

Thank you @cassiatwenty

I wish could be more like that with men.

You can if you choose to be!

Thank you. I have had a lot of therapy already but I genuinely felt like I had good self esteem until a month or so ago. I think he’s been wearing me down over time and he finally broke me.

Now I feel worthless and utterly lacking in self esteem. Maybe I never had it and was just delusional before. I certainly don’t have it at the moment. I feel like he’s destroyed me, drip by drip.

I had this exact situation but with a job - sacked from a toxic company because I went on maternity leave and treated terribly.

Recently went for some interviews and other employers were impressed with my skills.

Honestly, all the positive self talk in the world didn't help as much as actually seeing other employers find me impressive/desirable.

I feel like the same is true for dating - what you need is to go on some dates and SEE other men be interested. It'll make you realise you were right all along

I don’t know. Sometimes he talks about lots of women. Other times he says no one is ever interested in him. Sometimes he gives the impression he’s sleeping around a lot but then other times he says he’s hardly had any sex in the last few years. I don’t know.

I want to be. I wonder why it’s different.

The thought process with the ‘friend’ was…

• wow, I’m seeing her in a new light tonight.
• she’s behaving in an immature and disrespectful way towards me.
• I don’t need to put up with this.
• I don’t even like or respect her now after this.
• I have no interest in still being friends with her
• I can’t even be bothered to have it out with her because she’s clearly not my type of person.

When I man I fancy disrespects me, it doesn’t put me off him. 🙈🙈🙈 Help!

Yes but I’m too broken to date now. I feel even less able to assert my needs, standards and boundaries now because I feel like I have been trampled on.

Chin UP!
Tits UP!
ONWARD!

You don’t need to date to be happy 😉

My friend met a man on line but not on OLD. She knew I'd been involved with him in my very early twenties but he didn't know she knew me. I've not had anything to do with him since then when I dumped him for messing me around.

He told her about him and me having sex in his car, asked "would you do x y and z like Katy did," went on to say I rode him like a bucking bronco and I was a wildcat who was far more experienced than him and couldn't get enough. All a complete pack of lies. I never did any of those things.

He told her too about an older married woman who took him on holiday and had wildcat sex with him and taught him so many tricks.

He sent her a list of his girlfriends. My friend strung him along for the laughs and fairy stories and then he started sending explicit messages in the form of stories and asking for pictures from her.

She found one of the ex girlfriends online and contacted her. This woman told my friend he'd sent her a video of himself wanking. And also that he is married.

Your guy could be a total fantasist.

Okay, I’m going to try an exercise here in which I go through the thought process that I had with the new non-friend when she disrespected me and see if I can substitute this guy into the thought steps instead:

I’ll call him T.

• wow, I’m seeing T in a new light tonight.
• T’s behaving in an immature and disrespectful way towards me by blowing hot and cold and playing with my emotions and cancelling our date.
• I don’t need to put up with this.
• I don’t even like or respect T now after this. (😱This is where I stumble)
• I have no interest in still dating T (untrue)
• I can’t even be bothered to have it out with T because he’s clearly not my type of person. (possibly but only because I know he just won’t get it)

Well you may feel too broken to date now, but that is because you need a bit of time to recover from this horrible man. Maybe you just weren't ready to date.

There seems to have been a pattern of him chopping and changing, casting you off and then reeling you back in .... just to see if he can.... just to see if you will jump when he says jump. That is not a relationship. That is him playing mind games with you to reassure him self that he is just that gorgeous and has a mysterious power over women and to make himself feel that he is the attractive one and you are not. Of course he was lovely to you at first. He's a con man.and you are seeing the real person now. ... you say you don't know if he's a narcissist or just mixed up!! He's both! and neither of them are healthy personalities for you to be around.
I guarantee given that you've not responded he will start sending you love bombing texts - that is the next stage of the game. Can he push things until you almost leave, and then can he win you back again Dont fall for it.
Give yourself recovery time before dating again. Be a bit more cautious. Build friendships and activities and pat yourself on the back occasionally. If a relationship is right - all these mind games go away. Best of luck OP

I suspect your self-esteem was very superficial if I'm being honest. Men like him can spot vulnerable women a mile off. Most of us would have told him to piss off the moment he started talking about other women during sex. But you stayed and I think you need to ask yourself why. What you said about your parent blowing hot and cold is really telling. You have had it baked into you that if you're good, you might get the nice person to come back. He saw that in you and exploited it.

And I also suspect the fact that he isn't conventionally attractive was kind of insurance for you - you thought he'd be so thrilled to have you because he's punching above his weight that he'd treat you well and that's what's really punched a big hole in your self belief. Even an ugly man doesn't cherish you! Just FYI most men have a very very overinflated sense of their own attractiveness so bin that idea right now.

The negative feelings your parent gave you are still there, informing your choices. Go and work on those. Not all therapy is the same - if it's not digging up really painful and difficult memories, you won't be doing the work needed to heal.

I wish you the best of luck ❤️

Thank you!

Wow! That guy sounds insane!

My guy (T) has form for lying. Perhaps he has made everything up.

Now what? You will probably go straight back to him when he clicks his fingers as you are easily manipulated by him.

So, how is that helpful?

maybe you should remember that if you can't at anything nice, don't say anything at all.