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Original poster

Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

306 replies

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 31/05/2023 15:49

monsteramunch · 31/05/2023 15:07

I remember your other thread OP.

Let's recap a bit...

He's a weed smoking, sexist misogynist who believes women should do as their husband tells them.

He has a dog that's already killed another dog. He keeps the dog in a crate all day so is also cruel to animals. You have two dogs you say you love.

He says that he isn't worried about his dog, with a history including killing another dog, being around a baby in future because it would 'know the baby was part of him'. So he's a fucking idiot too.

His mum has told you that you should be careful of his temper. His own mother.

You met him last September. By February you were planning to move to America be with him after meeting him four times and by your own admission arguing 'for months' aka almost your entire relationship.

If you were my friend I would be terrified that you're still speaking to this guy at all, let alone remaining in a relationship with him.

Did you move? If not, don't. If you did, move home. You would be insane to stay in a relationship with this bloke.

Any thoughts on this OP?

I thought it might help you to take a step back and read this summary all in one place.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 15:51

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 15:50

Why are you reposting all my posts? Like leave off lol. They are asking different things so not sure there relevance here and why you keep quoting them. I can easily delete them if you'd rather use it against me? Not sure your point..

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 15:52

He thinks he's fog to be a decision maker for two people, and potentially an entire family.

  • he smokes dope - poor decision making
  • he keeps a dog in a cage - poor decision making, cruel actually
  • he has kept a dog that attacked another dog - poor decision making, he could end up sued if it attacks again. It could end up attacking a child or adult
  • he intends to keep that dog around a baby - extremely poor judgement and decision making

Where is this wisdom, superiority, intelligenxe, judgement that he believes he entitled to be the bosd of another adult human and then a family based on??????

Is he cohabiting with you? Having sex with you?

Not allowed according to the scriptures he is quoting.

Cherry picker.

WISE UP op.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 15:53

*He thinks he's cut out to be

Zarataralara · 31/05/2023 15:54

Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 15:44

His friends have a relationship like the one I explain (shes at home, he talks to her like crap) - when I ask him about her (as we agree she has nothing without her husband now) and can't leave, he says that's from her own stupid decisions. So then I explained that yes women with careers are trying to be independent so they do not end up in those situations, he didn't like to hear it and said you could leave whenever you wanted, and that the 'boss b1tch' woman are idiots. Then I said you want traditional but you want me to work and he said no - YOU still want to work I don't care if you work or not (but I am sure he said he wanted someone to contribute) Then, he has said as long as someone has goals/aspirations doesn't matter what they do for work or get paid etc etc. Then I explained but if I have an income I would have a say in things financially, again he didn't really like it, but said he will have final say other things that actually MATTER, like financially things as no woman he knows has proved to be good with money past or previous, but things like what the house looks like or where we eat dinner he doesn't care etc.. I think he is very good at deflecting to his advantage.

Show quote history

Why are you even wasting your breath speaking to him?
You know what your life will be like with him. For years and years, probably with children making it harder for you to get out of the marriage. That will be your life.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 15:57

monsteramunch · 31/05/2023 15:49

Any thoughts on this OP?

I thought it might help you to take a step back and read this summary all in one place.

Show quote history

Yes I remember the post and it did impact my decision and hence why I haven't moved and doing a trial. To be honest how he handled the dog thing made me think of a load of things differently/opened my eyes about how he handles conflict/and my wants needs. I understand asking someone to rehome a (previously aggressive) dog after 7 years can be seen as cruel but it was to protect my dogs, he has since told me the dog isn't going anywhere FYI.. he mentions that it was 6 years ago and how can you hold something someone done 6 years ago against them, but like my brother pointed out should we just release all the prisoners from behind bars then?!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 15:59

He honestly sounds like the horribly old-fashioned kind of idiot who believes that some women enjoy being beaten up.

I remember Sean Connery once said that some women needed to hit to keep them in line. Cunt.

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 15:59

Needed to BE hit, that should say.

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 16:18

Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 15:51

Why are you reposting all my posts? Like leave off lol. They are asking different things so not sure there relevance here and why you keep quoting them. I can easily delete them if you'd rather use it against me? Not sure your point..

Show quote history

Sorry, OP. I wasn't having a go at you.
I am genuinely concerned about your decision-making here.

This man is awful and if I can say or do anything to get through to you that your life will be appalling if you go to America to live with him, I will.

You do not seem to be taking anyone's advice on board at all.
We're trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake.

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 16:21

Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 15:45

Yeah I don't know where they are getting that from! Nope he hasn't.

Show quote history

Apologies, OP. It was I who posted that. I made a mistake and mixed you up with someone else.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 16:24

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 16:18

Sorry, OP. I wasn't having a go at you.
I am genuinely concerned about your decision-making here.

This man is awful and if I can say or do anything to get through to you that your life will be appalling if you go to America to live with him, I will.

You do not seem to be taking anyone's advice on board at all.
We're trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake.

Show quote history

Thanks. I would like to say I am listening as it has stopped me from moving over there in Feb and I am doing a trial period.

i asked him why is submissive so important, and I can value respect appreciate him without being submissive. Not sure he got it. He just says he wants to be respected, listened to and appreciated. In my eyes though submission doesn’t automatically equal or measure that.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 16:25

So are you there at the moment, doing a trial period?

JamSandle · 31/05/2023 16:26

Not for me. A relationship is a partnership but not one neatly sliced into leader and follower. It wouldn't be for me. Also this would only work if the man was utterly trustworthy and respectful and had my best interests at heart which let's face it, most don't.

rumred · 31/05/2023 16:27

I'm sorry op but I can see absolutely no reason why you would have any sort of relationship with this person, let alone an intimate one. He's not aggressive arrogant fool. What's attractive there??

JamSandle · 31/05/2023 16:27

Re-reading your posts he sounds controlling and abusive. You aren't allowed to go anywhere without him. Does he think you a child?

JamSandle · 31/05/2023 16:28

Also yes, being financially dependent on a man is dangerous. Your own money is freedom. Including freedom to leave an abusive partner or someone you don't want to be with anymore.

CleanCar · 31/05/2023 16:39

Sounds like a 1950s nightmare. No way could i be in a relationship like this. I earn my own money and spend it how i see fit. I could not take someone telling what i can/cannot do 🤷🏻‍♀️

quietnightmare · 31/05/2023 16:40

It's a no from me

TheShellBeach · 31/05/2023 16:42

quietnightmare · 31/05/2023 16:40

It's a no from me

It is a NO from everyone on this thread.

FinallyHere · 31/05/2023 16:50

He has quoted me that the bible says wives should submit

You can a lot of fun with this one, especially if you look up stuff from the Old Testament.

Honestly, though, have you not read enough yet to show the risks involved in throwing you lot in with someone who only values women as an adjunct to themselves , for the things they do rather than who they are?

Why do you think that is?

Not sure he got it.

Oh, he gets it all right. He knows what he wants, a wife who submits to him in all serious things.

If you are doing a trial, what are you looking out for during the trial?

I'm genuinely concerned for you. No one is ever horrible from the very start. They feel you in, telling you how great it's going to be and how much they will put your interests first.

Until you are dependent on them. Then they literally have it all their own way.

And they only do this because they can. Why on earth would you let them?

What are you hoping for from this trial?

You are thinking of very good questions, he is fobbing you off with answers that would seriously worry me.

monsteramunch · 31/05/2023 16:52

Has he had sex with you?

Or is he only 'traditional' / a follower of scripture in ways that don't inhibit what he wants to do?

CleanCar · 31/05/2023 17:06

Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 11:05

He has quoted me that the bible says wives should submit to there husbands, and its culture screaming at us to be dominant, he said wives should still come to them with there opinions, wants and needs, and husbands aren't inferior, but if the husband doesn't agree then they need to be OK with that?

This and the “have you seen him angry yet” comment. Run and don’t look back!!

JamSandle · 31/05/2023 17:08

He very much sounds abusive under the veil of being religious.

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 17:34

If you are in the US on a trial period, please come home. If you move there it will be difficult for you to have permission to work for ages if you aren’t married, and if you have kids with him, he will probably be able to prevent you leaving the country.

He sounds thoroughly awful, and I would say LTB if you were both in the UK, but doubly so at this point.