Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

Honestly there is so much more to life - get away from him. Why do you even need to enter into this sort of discussion? Life could be so much easier without him. He’s going to end to controlling you, you’ll have nothing. It’s ridiculous.

OP this is all just bonkers drivel to some but I’ve met men like this that cherry pick culture/values based on propping up their controlling sexist ways. Get away.

We're wasting our time, advising this woman.

He is correct that the Bible says wives are to submit to their husbands and that the man is the head of the woman but he seems to be applying that in whatever way he sees fit. Those verses don't give him free rein to control every aspect of your life or completely disregard your opinions and feelings. It also says that the head of the man is Jesus so he must answer to Jesus for his actions.

Does he still hit you OP?

Hi @Uktousa2022

I can see that you are turning yourself inside out here to try and give this man the benefit of doubt but at the same time I think alarm bells are going off in your head and red flags are waving in your face. He’s already done a number on you, on the one hand he says he’s promising you this wonderful life of being take care of, and in the other hand he has a very long list of expectations for you to meet in order for him to provide you will all he has promised.

Spoiler alert: no matter how hard you try or what you do, I can pretty much guarantee that for 99 percent of the time you will not meet those expectations and he will punish you for this, he will withdraw his love/affection, stonewall you, give you silent treatment and even become aggressive and violent. Doesn’t matter how you dress it up, or excuse it away with cultural differences or his past traumas it is ABUSE and the only acceptable level of abuse is NONE.

He is absolutely setting you up, right now he is checking your boundaries and laying the foundations for what is going to become a very miserable existence for you. The sob story about his friends death, it’s very sad but this was designed to garner empathy and sympathy from you, the ex’s who cheated designed to paint himself the victim, the traditional culture that set him up to be protector and provider also conveniently set up to manipulate and control (and abuse) you!

Genuine question, what percentage of the time would say he is nice to you, or that you feel comfortable and at ease? 50%, 60%, 70%? What percentage of the time do you feel uncomfortable because he is snappy, in a bad mood, or you’re trying to work out what you’ve done or said wrong?

Whatever the above percentages work out as I guarantee that the more surrender to him, the more control and power he thinks he has the more and more time you are going to spend on eggshells, uncomfortable and wondering what you’ve don’t wrong this time. In the small sliver of good time that remains you will still be on eggshells because you will be trying so desperately not to set him off!

He only behaves reasonably towards you now is because he has to, right now you still have your own autonomy and you have the power to walk away from him at any time. Once you don’t have that ability anymore what motivation has he got to treat you well? He will feel like he can treat you in whatever way he feels like just because he can, because you are trapped and look already even at this stage he has his mother come in to bat for him and defend him, she will support him in his abuse of you because she is his enabler.

This man is literally grooming you to become his victim, the signs are all there and they are clear as day! PLEASE please see them and please put an end to this relationship and save yourself. You cannot fix him, he will not learn to treat you better (he’s already told you he is lacking in empathy, him seeing you broken won’t make him change), there are no if only’s here only that this relationship will end up with you feeling trapped, isolated, lonely and abused! You can and will do so much better without him, please see that you deserve so much more!!!

Has he hit her?

He has quoted me that the bible says wives should submit to there husbands, and its culture screaming at us to be dominant, he said wives should still come to them with there opinions, wants and needs, and husbands aren't inferior, but if the husband doesn't agree then they need to be OK with that?
He's bullshitting you and being selective on his level of traditional views and religious beliefs.

I'm not religious but have friends who are and are in traditional marriages.

They're always pointing out that whilst it says for women to submit to their husbands, it's also very clear that this is based on a husband who is faithful, is growing in his faith and who is stepping up into his husband responsibility of loving his wife as Christ loved the church. They also pointed out how many men have no interest in faith but like to keep women in their place

So he's not a Muslim, but some kind of fundamentalist Christian.

Does he subscribe to all the edicts on the old testament, as well as the one where his wife/partner has to obey him?

Is he for the killing of gay people?

Is he for slavery?

Does he subscribe to old testament marital fidelity - only infidelity if a man has sex with a married woman, not an unmarried woman. Because the offence is against another man, not against a wife; she must stick to fidelity but her husband must not, as long as he doesn't have sex with married women.

Is he completely dedicated to waiting until after marriage for sex?

Are you also a fundamentalist Christian too, or do you want to become one?

How do you think a relationship/marriage would work if you are not?
He clearly needs to find someone in his "religion".

a submissive has all the power because they know the kink is just for fun and that they are a fully grown adult outside of play, you just sound like you're being abused and you should get the hell out of there but you seem to be dead set in making excuses for this guy which will end in pain especially if you move in together and have children, can you imagine the sort of control he'd extert over your teenage daughter

I remember your other thread OP.

Let's recap a bit...

He's a weed smoking, sexist misogynist who believes women should do as their husband tells them.

He has a dog that's already killed another dog. He keeps the dog in a crate all day so is also cruel to animals. You have two dogs you say you love.

He says that he isn't worried about his dog, with a history including killing another dog, being around a baby in future because it would 'know the baby was part of him'. So he's a fucking idiot too.

His mum has told you that you should be careful of his temper. His own mother.

You met him last September. By February you were planning to move to America be with him after meeting him four times and by your own admission arguing 'for months' aka almost your entire relationship.

If you were my friend I would be terrified that you're still speaking to this guy at all, let alone remaining in a relationship with him.

Did you move? If not, don't. If you did, move home. You would be insane to stay in a relationship with this bloke.

dont waste your time love, he is an arsehole

sure you can go out to work, but only if you do all the housework, and childcare and everything as well, and put all your money in to his account, sounds like a fair deal to me...... (not)

He has done a number on you, hasn't he? Maybe read this back a few times for some perspective.

Before long he’ll be deciding who you can speak to
who you can look at
who you can work with
how you spend your day
Where you can and cannot go.
If you want to go back to the Middle Ages fine. I’d run now, and not look back.

I believe the op is doing some sort of trial period there, not sure if they're living together or not.

Of course they must not be given his religious fundamentalist views (?)
They must not have sex either (?)

With all of this context; op he sounds insane. You need to gtfo of there pronto and get some counselling.

He is cruel to animals & irresponsible with them.

He is stratospherically irresponsible re babies/kids.

His judgement is very very poor and flawed.

That highlights why he should not - not that any man ever should - be the decision maker and authority in a relatively.

He had these - apparently cherry picked - extremist, chauvanist, controlling views.

You need to get away from him and get some help.

Oh and he's a dope head...
Fucking great.

A dope head is not fit to make good decisions either.

And not fit to get around kids

Someone also seems to think he had hit you (?)

His own mother has also given you warnings - in spite of apparently doting on him.

His friends have a relationship like the one I explain (shes at home, he talks to her like crap) - when I ask him about her (as we agree she has nothing without her husband now) and can't leave, he says that's from her own stupid decisions. So then I explained that yes women with careers are trying to be independent so they do not end up in those situations, he didn't like to hear it and said you could leave whenever you wanted, and that the 'boss b1tch' woman are idiots. Then I said you want traditional but you want me to work and he said no - YOU still want to work I don't care if you work or not (but I am sure he said he wanted someone to contribute) Then, he has said as long as someone has goals/aspirations doesn't matter what they do for work or get paid etc etc. Then I explained but if I have an income I would have a say in things financially, again he didn't really like it, but said he will have final say other things that actually MATTER, like financially things as no woman he knows has proved to be good with money past or previous, but things like what the house looks like or where we eat dinner he doesn't care etc.. I think he is very good at deflecting to his advantage.

*And not fit to be around kids

Yeah I don't know where they are getting that from! Nope he hasn't.

I think I read you work; is there any counselling through your work?

What is your employment situation re staying in the US? Are you taking a sabbatical or ..? You need to move away from him.

It sounds too quick to move to be with someone, even as a trial. But in any case the trial is showing you to gtfo out there.

OP Please give this idea and man up. Do not move in with him.

Especially, do not have children with him.