Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

306 replies

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 17:58

It's very ironic that he's a proponent of MRA red pill misogynist (bullshit) idealogy that includes men being entitled to having authority over women (backed up by cherry picked scripture from a book that noone subscribes to all aspects of, except for fundamental religious groups)

.... While being a walking example of why men shouldn't have authority over anyone.

Pot head, irresponsible and cruel with animals, potentially extremely irresponsible with kids, violent (?), volatile (according to his own Mum) ... And that's all he's shown you so far. I'm sure there'd be more if you face enough time.

The idea that one entire sex is uniformly intelligent, capable, responsible, worthy of respect, stable, well adjusted .... Is something only a deluded fool could believe. It is patently obvious in every way that both genders have people of all types

(I'd reiterate however, that men are responsible for the majority of crime, of sex crime, of child sex abuse, of domestic abuse ... More likely to be gamblers, more likely to be sociopaths, more likely to have high speed, high damage car accidents, and according to available data, more likely to.cheat).

He says women - blanket statement; are worse with money. One look on this board and that is obviously not the case. From personal experience my sister's ex husband (qualified as an accountant lol) was a fucking disaster with money. After she left him, his dd had to pay his mortgage for a while. Early 20 something DD.
It's total and utter ridiculous bs to make a statement like that anyway.

Youve got to be pretty dumb to believe things like that ....or have an agenda. Men who "believe" things like that have an agenda to dominate women and have all the power.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 17:58

*I'm sure there'd be more if you gave enough time.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 18:04

All in all op, this picture is looking bad.

So he might have some good sides .... Cool. Most people do.
Hitler was apparently very kind to animals.

There are scales however, and the scales are falling very heavily on the bad side. I wouldn't advise my worse enemy to settle with this man.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 18:13

@TheoTheopolis23 Thing is though, if men were following the Bible then all those things you mention wouldn't happen (drugs etc).

Perfect28 · 31/05/2023 18:45

Why are you together?

avocadotofu · 31/05/2023 18:46

I think he sounds awful and it would likely get worse as time goes on, especially if you had children.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:33

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 18:13

@TheoTheopolis23 Thing is though, if men were following the Bible then all those things you mention wouldn't happen (drugs etc).

If men were following the bible, we'd live in a dystopia.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:39

@TheoTheopolis23 I disagree. If everyone followed the Bible, the world would be a better place. Ghandi said something similar.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:46

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:39

@TheoTheopolis23 I disagree. If everyone followed the Bible, the world would be a better place. Ghandi said something similar.

I don't have the time to go through the thousands of reasons why that is not the case.

I'm sure it exists in another thread somewhere though

And wasn't Gandhi a child sex abuser - or admitted to being inclined to being, at the very least.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:47

@TheoTheopolis23 I have no idea if he was but I remember he said something along those lines and I agree with him. We all have our differing views but the world certainly couldn't be any worse.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:49

Oh and I take it you mean the new testament... You should at least say that

The old testament is horrifying.

Off the top of my head, doesn't it condone rape (story of woman being thrown out to be raped and killed in place of young male visitors) and incestuous sex abuse (father fathering children by daughters when their line was apparently at risk of dying out). I'm sure we could go on all day on here

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:50

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:47

@TheoTheopolis23 I have no idea if he was but I remember he said something along those lines and I agree with him. We all have our differing views but the world certainly couldn't be any worse.

You really shouldn't throw the name of Gandhi out as an ideal/font of wisdom without even bothering to educate yourself about him.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:50

I mean the entire Bible. Those incidents are not condoned.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:52

@TheoTheopolis23 In all fairness, I could say the same about the Bible. Many people comment on it without being educated on the subject. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on any matter they want to have an opinion on, we don't need a degree in the subject.

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:53

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:50

I mean the entire Bible. Those incidents are not condoned.

Those incidents were very ambiguous in their "reporting".

If you mean the whole bible, you think the world would be a better place if gay people were persecuted, converted avd killed.... And that male infidelity is only an offence against a married man if it's with his wife, it's not infidelity if it's with an unmarried woman. That's just fornication. The married woman had no right to fidelity.

I don't have time for this. I'm sure it's covered in other threads.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:56

@TheoTheopolis23 The Bible doesn't teach us to persecute gay people or kill them. Married women do have the right to fidelity. Adultery is a serious sin.

Fair enough, but you did criticise the Bible first.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 31/05/2023 19:56

I dated a guy who was into dominant and submissive roles in and out of the bedroom. He didnt treat women like shit though.
Dress it up how ever you want but you arent asking what our views are on that you are asking whether we would advise you to stay in a controlling, financially abusive coercive relationship.

EthicalNonMahogany · 31/05/2023 19:57

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:54

Isn't sub/dom relationships going along with all your partners decision whilst they lead the relationship? Supporting them and staying silent and voicing your opinion but ultimately they have the final say in 90% of things?

Show quote history

oh bless you OP

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 19:57

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:52

@TheoTheopolis23 In all fairness, I could say the same about the Bible. Many people comment on it without being educated on the subject. Everyone is entitled to an opinion on any matter they want to have an opinion on, we don't need a degree in the subject.

You're describing yourself there.

You could not possibly think the world would be a better place if people followed the instructions of the entire bible Inc the old testament if you are fully familiar and understanding of it.
If would be a dystopia.

And you don't need a degree to comment on anything (!) but you do make yourself look like a fool if you quote people with extremely dubious morality as if they are people to admire and follow and that their opinion is valid.

SquirrelSoShiny · 31/05/2023 19:57

OP I'm going to wish you luck on the off chance this is genuine and you truly are so self-loathing that you have chosen this situation. I'm not sure how much more attention you crave. You have had multiple strangers on several threads telling you to run away from this unbelievable creep. I actually hope this is all some bizarre attention-seeking storytelling.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:59

@TheoTheopolis23 Describing myself with what? Not being educated on the Bible?

SheilaFentiman · 31/05/2023 20:00

Ah, That Bastard Gandhi.

2012 MN, where is thy sting?

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 20:03

Lillygolightly · 31/05/2023 13:03

Hi @Uktousa2022

I can see that you are turning yourself inside out here to try and give this man the benefit of doubt but at the same time I think alarm bells are going off in your head and red flags are waving in your face. He’s already done a number on you, on the one hand he says he’s promising you this wonderful life of being take care of, and in the other hand he has a very long list of expectations for you to meet in order for him to provide you will all he has promised.

Spoiler alert: no matter how hard you try or what you do, I can pretty much guarantee that for 99 percent of the time you will not meet those expectations and he will punish you for this, he will withdraw his love/affection, stonewall you, give you silent treatment and even become aggressive and violent. Doesn’t matter how you dress it up, or excuse it away with cultural differences or his past traumas it is ABUSE and the only acceptable level of abuse is NONE.

He is absolutely setting you up, right now he is checking your boundaries and laying the foundations for what is going to become a very miserable existence for you. The sob story about his friends death, it’s very sad but this was designed to garner empathy and sympathy from you, the ex’s who cheated designed to paint himself the victim, the traditional culture that set him up to be protector and provider also conveniently set up to manipulate and control (and abuse) you!

Genuine question, what percentage of the time would say he is nice to you, or that you feel comfortable and at ease? 50%, 60%, 70%? What percentage of the time do you feel uncomfortable because he is snappy, in a bad mood, or you’re trying to work out what you’ve done or said wrong?

Whatever the above percentages work out as I guarantee that the more surrender to him, the more control and power he thinks he has the more and more time you are going to spend on eggshells, uncomfortable and wondering what you’ve don’t wrong this time. In the small sliver of good time that remains you will still be on eggshells because you will be trying so desperately not to set him off!

He only behaves reasonably towards you now is because he has to, right now you still have your own autonomy and you have the power to walk away from him at any time. Once you don’t have that ability anymore what motivation has he got to treat you well? He will feel like he can treat you in whatever way he feels like just because he can, because you are trapped and look already even at this stage he has his mother come in to bat for him and defend him, she will support him in his abuse of you because she is his enabler.

This man is literally grooming you to become his victim, the signs are all there and they are clear as day! PLEASE please see them and please put an end to this relationship and save yourself. You cannot fix him, he will not learn to treat you better (he’s already told you he is lacking in empathy, him seeing you broken won’t make him change), there are no if only’s here only that this relationship will end up with you feeling trapped, isolated, lonely and abused! You can and will do so much better without him, please see that you deserve so much more!!!

Thanks for this comment! It is weird when I am around him a lot of the time (especially on his way to work and when he gets home from work) I feel like something is wrong with him and it leaves me wondering if I have done something wrong - even though he says he is fine and nothing is wrong - and therefore I am on edge - but he says it is me that 'causes' the problem by asking if there is one...!

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 20:04

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 19:56

@TheoTheopolis23 The Bible doesn't teach us to persecute gay people or kill them. Married women do have the right to fidelity. Adultery is a serious sin.

Fair enough, but you did criticise the Bible first.

Leviticus 20:13
If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

I could keep on with this but I can't be bothered .... There are other threads.

You are causing a derail of this thread to support the op against an abuser.

BSB30 · 31/05/2023 20:05

@TheoTheopolis23 The mosaic law no longer applies. Jesus death nullified it.

You are right regards the thread but I don't support OPs partners abusive nature.

Swipe left for the next trending thread