This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

Hi Op. In an earlier post you said that (paraphrasing) if you split up it means it wasn't meant to be anyway.

That isn't necessarily true. It isn't fair to distance yourself, withhold your feelings, go out of your way not to look nice when he's around, imagine things he's thinking, distrust his feelings.... and then if he eventually feels he has to walk away, to say 'well it was obviously never going to work out'.

It could work out. He sounds like a decent man who loves you and fancies you. If you want to be in a relationship then it sounds like this man is a good bet.

But you are determined not to believe him. To think he's lying, deceitful, pretending to like you (why on earth would he do that??).

I know you've said that you don't blame him; that you realise this is in your head, but each time you question whether he's honest; each time you say he can't realise fancy you, you're saying you think he's dishonest.

I'm so sorry your mum was so vile. She caused you this damage. You deserved so much better from her and she failed you. Her dreadful idea of parenting is affecting you to this day. I really hope you consider some therapy. You deserve to be happy and your bf deserves it too. I hope you will come to truly believe that you are deserving.

My husband likes to see my bra strap not because I'm ugly without it, but because he likes my shoulders. In the healthy expression of sexuality, there is room for playfulness, creativity, artistry, etc. Above all fun. The French used to say that 'bed is the poor man's opera'. You need help to get there. You need to seek it out.

You’re completely overthinking this and if he’s perfect for you I’d do you best to work through it with therapy and whatever else it takes.

I’m always naked at home. I think my partner would probably love me to dress up a bit to spice things up as there isn’t a lot of build up when you’re naked 24/7

He loves you. In the long term it will be better (much much better) if you tell him about your feelings.
Think about it in reverse - if he was upset about something you had innocently mentioned, wouldn’t you want to know?

Sometimes people do things for a little bit of fun.

He has not badgered you like some men would, he sounds like he has respected your wishes.

Dressing up in sexy underwear is not bad - it sounds like you have issues that are blocking 🤔 you from doing so.

Life is short - he would not have suggested it if he didn't find you attractive. At 48 maybe you should experiment - it is not wrong - what is reassuring is the fact he has reassured you that he finds you attractive- it looks like you are sabotaging when you could just me happy 😊

That makes sense and I do understand that. But comments like that don't come with an advance warning so I don't have time to put strategies in place to think.differently about it. When I read your post, I knew exactly how I'd react because my boyfriend has said he likes other things that I've worn becaise it was 'sexy' and I physically can't bring myself to wear it again.

There are items of clothing that I own that he's never seen because he once said in passing that thought it was attractive (let's say a similar example to your husband's) and that item of clothing has been relegated to the back of the wardrobe never to see the light of day again.

I think someone else hit on something when they said they wanted to look sexy for themselves not for a man. Or something. That's part of it maybe I think.

My mum was always so focused on pleasing a man. When I did my GCSEs, she arranged for a meeting at my school because she thought I shouldn't be doing 10 subjects. She wanted me to do typing and childcare which would be more use to me as a woman and more appealing to a man. Fortunately, the school stood up against her on my behalf. She didn't want me to go to university because being educated/intelligent was one of the things that would put men off me. She was concerned I got a first class degree because even graduate men would find it off-putting.

I had a career in mind as a teenager in subject that I showed a strong aptitude for. She forbid me from doing it because no man would tolerate his wife doing that job. Every decision that was mine to make was made for me by her with the express intention of appeasing a man I'd not even met yet.

I think some of it is rooted in that.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I’ve read all your posts.
what is coming across is that you are FURIOUS.
What your partner suggested has made you feel attacked.
From all that you have written I can see why.
However as others has said it seems in no way his intention to belittle you.
But you are now very angry - the roots of this are in previous relationships, your mother, etc, but you are angry with him.
Intellectually you are recognising this is maybe unjust, but you can’t get past it.
Do you want to? Or does it feel safe to distance him?
What do you want?

You need to get over yourself and your insecurities. The guy loves you, dressing up in kinky stuff is normal for many couples why do you think the likes of Ann Summers exist? Your reaction would turn me off big time.

Goodness OP your mum has done a number on you. Poor kid.

I am afraid I don't see how even someone who is crazy about you can sustain a relationship with you, no matter how hard they try.

You feel attacked whenever your partner thinks you are attractive and you feel dismal at the thought they might not. What even theoretically do you think you want him to do!?

It's such a shame. You sound like a lovely person.

That is exactly it!

Do I want to get past it? Yes.
Does it feel safe to distance him? Yes.

It feels to me that he is just one more person telling me I'm not enough. That I'm not good enough.

I can see from what other people have said that it is unlikely.to he the case but that's how I feel.

I've battled with this for months now and it's getting worse not better.

You feel attacked whenever your partner thinks you are attractive and you feel dismal at the thought they might not. What even theoretically do you think you want him to do!?

This is what I ask myself almost constantly. The only time it's not on my mind is when I'm at work because I simply don't have time to think about it.

I'm aware I've created an impossible situation.

I want him to never have asked. Because everything was perfect before that.

I felt attractive, I believed he fancied me and loved me. And now I just never feel that I'm enough.

I feel that I'm an embarrassment to him.

OP, this is a trauma response. Some people call it an amygdala storm. There’s more information about them here:
https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack#how-to-stop

I used to get these sorts of responses as part of PTSD following a different type of trauma, but I can imagine that the emotional trauma of your Mum shaming you like that could send you panicking and trying to protect yourself when current situations make you feel ashamed and not good enough.

This sort of trauma response can’t be fought off in the moment. That’s why it’s important to do the work in therapy instead (IMHO). I found EMDR remarkably helpful in resetting my response to certain stimuli- it honestly worked like magic for me. If there are particularly painful memories with your Mum or anyone else that these current conversations with your partner are echoing, I’d definitely say EMDR was worth a try.

You deserve a life of happiness. Don’t sabotage it x

I'm saying this in the kindest way as somone with mental health issues myself, your reaction makes me feel you aren't doing well mentally. The internalised way you've reacted to this and how huge you've made it aren't reasonable behaviour.

I bet he loves you for your honesty and self awareness, though.That’s better than ‘pharrrr’ in my mind.

Oh OP. I feel so sad for you.

I don't know how to convince you that's very unlikely to be the case. What can ransoms on the internet do against such a miserable childhood.

Apologies if you have said this already but you think you could discuss it with him? Explain it is not his fault but you find comments in your appearance and clothing very triggering and could he please try not to make them.

I feel like maybe you might be able to get past this one in time, once the initial shock wears off, if he is understanding about it.

I remember this exact scenario a few months ago, did you post about it then? The reason I ask is that I remember when the OP gave further details it seemed the issue was extremely deep-rooted insecurities.

*randoms not ransoms

Wearing any clothing before or during sex doesn’t mean you aren’t you or that your boyfriend sees you differently.

Sexy underwear is so that they can’t see your whole body but can imagine it. Completely naked doesn’t leave anything to the imagination.

Listen,OP. You need to take your memory of this and your feeling about it,and wrap them up in a piece or paper. Then you need to set fire to it, and watch it burn right down to black ashes . Take the ashes outside, and let the wind blow them away.

Now go to bed and leave your leggings off, because the need for them is ashes.

When we downsized because children had left I had to go through every drawer, cupboard etc. There was one drawer I avoided for a time. In it were the silk, lace garments that I had ceased to wear ten years before because OH prostate operation had complications which left him impotent. I knelt on the floor in mourning because those garments held memories of laughter, fun and youthfulness I suppose. I found it very hard to stuff them into a black bin bag and throw them out.

I still mourn sometimes that the physical side of our marriage was ripped away in an instant rather than a gradual decline.

Don't wear the stockings and that's that. Ruining your sex life over it is too far. Is there an underlying trigger that has made you respond this way because it's overly dramatic

Oh god this is awful op. I don't believe you want to get past it. You are now deliberately withdrawing your sexual attractiveness which is up to you, but why should he put up with leggings in bed and little sex, because he had the audacity to mention lingerie?
Should you be in a relationship at all? You appreciate you have a problem, but its definitely not his job to fix you. Thats something that has to be driven by you.

Perhaps you feel objectified by him and it makes you feel uncomfortable.