This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

You say you're looking for alternative ways to think of this.

My DP has suggested/bought me sexy underwear in the past. I enjoyed it but also took it as a compliment - my interpretation was "he thinks I'm so attractive that he thinks I'll look good in this. He must find me really sexy"

I then felt good about myself and felt turned on at the thought of me in sexy underwear being a turn on for him.

If a man didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't want to see you dressed that way

OP would it be useful to put on something not particularly "sexy" as in black, red lace up your bum thongs and stockings? Something you like but isn't automatically linked to porn type stuff?
I know I feel sexy in a plain white cami with white lace knickers. I'm size 18 so no model, it's just I know what works for me and makes me feel sexy. What exactly has he asked for you to wear? Has he been specific?
A lot of everyday women don't feel sexy in tight straps cutting in, unflattering g strings etc.
But there is a world of flattering laungerie out there that isn't remeniscent of some bad porn film.
The KEY THING is to buy it for YOU. So YOU feel amazing. Not wearing something that he thinks will generacilly spice things up.
Then you come to bed feeling amazing. This might not be the traditional stockings and suspenders ( so boring)

This is a great suggestion, particularly if you're usual attire is leggings. Start with a small change you personally are comfortable with.

Men generally find confidence sexy, he's maybe just excited to see you in something other than leggings, embracing your body and feeling good in your own skin

The thing I think has been overlooked is that you felt in control of your sex life, it was wonderful for you. Then he said can you dress up? and those four words took the control away and terrified you. I get this. You don't feel in control and therefore you don't feel able to be sexy with him. It's a perfectly normal response. Just tell him, I need to feel what I wear in bed is SEXY FOR ME then I can relax, let go and we both have a great time. If you feel like you " have" to dress up then it's a " performance" and nobody wants that.

If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't want to see you in stockings and sexy underwear. Don't let this ruin your relationship, this is your problem, not his.

You have MASSIVELY overreacted and need to calm down or lose your relationship. Your partner made a perfectly normal comment and you’ve blown it up and made it into a huge issue. The poor guy probably feels awful.

It won’t be long until he leaves you if you keep this nonsense up.

You know this will eventually drive him away as you are basically rejecting his love. The only way this relationship might survive if you talk honestly to him about your feelings. Written in a letter if need be. If he understands why you are pushing him away, then it might help his feelings of rejection, and he can be understanding. Together you can work on it.

At the moment you are self sabotaging and he can’t possibly be feeling good about himself. The poor man is in a no win situation. Give him a chance to help and understand you. By doing that you will be helping his self esteem, because who wants to feel constantly rejected? You are doing to him what you feel he has done to you.

Good luck op. You are worth it. Give him a chance to show you.

Genuinely, do you think you'd be brave enough to try attending a burlesque class? There would be a variety of shaped women there, with a variety of confidence levels, and it would be about you using YOURSELF to turn him on, aided by feather boa's, music and sexy clothing. The accessories are just tools to aid you, but its YOU be would be focused on, especially as it sounds like he does really fancy you. It would give you confidence, control of the situation and if nothing else just a heap of fun with other ladies such as yourself. Take a deep breath and tell yourself you can do it. You won't be doing it for him, you'll be doing it for yourself.

Some of the comments here are pretty mean spirited and I’m sorry you’re having to pick through them. No one just magically has confidence and it sounds like you’ve had more chipping away at yours than most people have had. I really hope you can believe it doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way about yourself.

You’ve cut your mum out and with your partner it seems like you’ve got a really good opportunity to build your confidence. But please try not to feel cross at yourself that it’s not there yet. I think one of the most damaging trends at the moment is this pressure to love ourselves and be full of confidence. We probably none of us do, all of the time, and I tend to think it just sets up another thing for women to feel they’ve “failed” at. I also never like the suggestion that your self esteem is all on you - other people have knocked it down on occasion, why can’t other people help build it up? I’d really try to let them if you can. Friends, partner, therapist…

I had really low self esteem when I first met my OH. If I’m honest I’d probably have had some of the feelings you’re having at a similar request during the first year of our relationship, even though I’d have known that was a bit unreasonable in my heart of hearts. But letting him in on how I felt meant that I could hear why I was wrong from someone I trusted and whose opinion I really valued and that helped. Given time, I came to believe what he said to me and showed me about how he felt. I know some people might suggest that wraps your confidence up in that person alone, which wouldn’t be good. I don’t believe that’s the case for me at least. It just helped me that someone I really fancied fancied me too. In a weird way I had no difficulty believing he could have easily found someone else, so I came to really trust that he’d just chosen me.

I’d suggest being honest with your boyfriend maybe - “I know this wasn’t how you meant it, but I’ve been really hung up on what you said the other day…”. - And give it some time.

Wow what a huge overreaction. It's a really normal request and generally nothing to do with not fancying you. It's just something that he might find nice, and you too maybe we many find it makes them feel a bit spicier and even more confident.

Oh op. There is nothing I can say that you don't know already or that others have said. I just want to hug you and tell you even though I have not met you, I feel a lot of compassion for you. Dare I say, I feel a lot if love for you. I pray, hope, that one day you will get over your mother's lies and give yourself the permission to love yourself, and actually go ahead and live yourself. Because as love as you've existed, since you are here in this universe, you deserved to be loved and loved fully. If not by others, by yourself. You are loved. You are beautiful and wonderful and i can tell you have a kindness. Please start loving and admiring yourself. Find a way. You truly deserve it. And open that door just a little so that others can love you. Dont push away those that love you. May be love is scary. So start small. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Let go. Love yourself a little then open up.

So much I want to say that I dont know ho to say. You are so so vulnerable but that vulnerability is you to you. I wish you the very best

This is why it's so hard. There's not really anything lingerie wise that makes me feel 'sexy'. It just serves as a reminder to me that I'm not.

I only wear 'nice underwear'. Lace bras and my knickers always match. It was one of the thing I started doing when I cut contact with mum and realised I wasn't quite the hideous monster she'd led me to believe. I honestly believed at that time that those changes would make feel better about myself. And they did for a while. There was no one to see the underwear! But just leaving the house for work or whatever knowing I was wearing it made me feel good about myself. I didn't feel sexy but I suppose I just felt 'normal'. Like I was ok.

I also think I look OK in just a plain cami and knickers. But he's never shown any interest in either the 'nice underwear' or that. He's specifically said about stockings and suspenders. I know it's nothing outrageous but I can't help how it's made me feel and also the awareness that it's not as simple as just wearing nice underwear. I need to be 'more'.

I bought a really nice bra and knickers set shortly after he'd made this request. Just really nice. Probably not 'sexy' - they were crimson silk and lace. But I liked them.

He didn't seem interested in them at all.

That's not to say he wasn't interested in me but the underwear didn't make any difference.

You’re a woman, so it obviously includes you.
To be honest you’re totally OTT in your reaction to both him and the responses in this thread - and the bit I’ve quoted sums it up nicely.

I hope there’s a way you can work through this, because right now you’re coming across as incredibly unreasonable.

Poor guy! What a reaction he got. This guy shared something very personal with you: no wonder he hasn't brought it up again and seems keen to brush it under the carpet. I think you'd do well to try and get some perspective on this - I think you are completely misunderstanding the topic. Go talk to him and say you've been thinking about what he said and want to talk about it - if this is too be a really significant relationship then you have to be able to really open up and talk openly and honestly about anything and everything.
.. otherwise, I just don't think you're thinking and acting like a mature adult.

Strangely, I had thought of this. I even looked up classes in my area but there weren't any.

This times 1000 x Thank you Farm girl x
It's about YOU feeling fucking amazing! Not the bits of lace and tatty stockings, you and you!
I get the feeling it's him asking you to wear stuff has got you in flight or fight mode.
not you being this prudish person some responders have alluded to.

If you'd actually bothered to read my posts, you'd know that I'm not worried about that. So it's not quite the cutting criticism you intended 🙄

I think you've missed my point.

Yes, that's exactly it.

I can't seem to link previous posts from my phone but this is the one that reminded me of you.

Nothing wrong with posting for advice twice at all but i wanted to share said its not you, it's worth searching for as there's a lot of great advice and you may have a lot in common: this posters issues also steeped from childhood and constant comments her mother had made

The very last thing he was thinking when he asked you that was that you were an embarrassment.

I'm a man, I have on occasion bought DP sexy undies. I don't buy them for her because I think she needs them to look attractive, I buy them because I find her attractive.

The whole point of them is that they tease you, that they're hiding something, accentuating something you desperately want to see, they're a signal that naughty fun things are going to happen.

The lingerie doesn't make the person sexy, the person makes the underwear sexy.

It's like a painting in a frame, the painting is the masterpiece, even in a really nice frame. At the same time, you chuck that frame around my god awful stick figure drawings, and it's doing no favours.

I don't want to see someone I don't find attractive in sexy undies, I want to see my partner, the person I already find stunning in sexy undies.

God this is so sad. Why are you hiding the three dresses away? You really do need therapy. Lots of it, to counteract the number your mum has done on you for the last 38+ years. You are pushing your DP away as well as passing this onto your children.

Just read all your updates OP and I understand better now why you reacted like you did. I just wanted to make sure you knew that the fact he wants you to wear nice underwear means he does actually fancy you already and wants to have sex with you and wants to keep the fun going. I would take it as encouragement. My husband asked me too and I did as a surprise for him but I didn't realise how it would make me feel and how much more confident it made me.
And wanted to add too, you mentioned the photo he took when you weren't looking and how he put it as your screensaver, this shows how ge really feels and I get the impression he feels very strongly about you and obviously loves how you look so much that he saved that photo so he can see it all the time.
I hate that your mother did this to you, dont let her win