This is destroying me and my relationship and I don't know what to do.

[DownAtMySpotInTheGarden]

I've never really had relationships. I've dated but nothing really of any significance.

A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if I'd wear sexy underwear in bed. Nothing outrageous just the usual stocking etc. I've never been asked that before and it's really shocked how it's made me feel about myself and the relationship.

I know it's a pretty standard request but it's made me feel hideously unattractive, unfanciable amd unsexy. No one has ever asked or even suggested it before.

I've internalised it as he can't fancy me or want to have sex with me unless I do this. And then it would be about the clothes and it could be anyone. I suppose I feel completely dehumanised by it.

I had a really hostile reaction when he asked me. I was calm in my response but I told him that I wasn't going to do it and if he wanted to be with someone fanciable and sexy than he needed to be with someone else. Inside I felt angry and disgusted (at myself for not being enough not at him for asking).

He told me he only said it as a joke, said that I was sexy and he did fancy me and has never mentioned it again. It clearly wasn't a joke but I don't suppose he knew what else to say and it was a response at least.

But it's totally changed how I feel about myself.

I used to sleep naked and felt confident and attractive enough to walk around naked in front of him. I know I've not got a great body and I'm no beauty, but I believed he fancied me and loved me so it was ok. Since he said it, I've rarely been naked. I sleep in a t shirt and leggings most nights we're together. I go to bed earlier so he can't see me undress or after him and wait for him to fall asleep, or I suggest we watch another episode of something so it's too late.

Our sex life has fallen off a cliff. It still happens but its very perfunctory now. It makes me uncomfortable afterwards when he tells me he loves me and I'm very quiet and just turn away from him.

I feel he's settling for me now. I know this is me. I also know he wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place if he'd known how badly it would make mfeel.l about myself.

I think part of it is that I wonder what else he would like or prefer but now won't mention because of reaction to this. I just feel completely inadequate.

That is a world away from a woman dressing in HER underwear that makes HER feel sexy

Thats it, you are spiralling and will continue to. You will withdraw more and more till there's nothing left and I worry it will become toxic. He will only take so much, everyone has their limit.
The way you feel is valid and I certainly don't think you should dress up. It's your response and thought process after that isn't 'normal'. I also don't like dressing up for different reasons, i know i would look ridiculous! However when my OH has asked me in the past my response was along the lines of "don't think so, I'd look like a right dick" and I havent really thought about it since.
The trauma your mother has left you with needs serious work OP. You deserve to feel happy, content and relaxed in your relationship. IMO, you need to sit down with him and lay it all out. Of course he will panic and probably say something stupid but it needs to be done because you cannot continue like this. It wouldn't be fair on either of you.

Please ignore the judgemental responses. I think you are amazing to express your vulnerabilities so clearly and honestly.

I had a very similar reaction when my then new-ish DP asked if I would wear a particular kind of high heels sometimes.

I felt so hurt and angry - even though I knew that objectively my response was OTT. I actually have worn heels occasionally, but I don't feel comfortable or confident in them. I felt as though he was saying that he was only attracted to the type of women who wore heels. Because I'm not the type if woman who feels comfortable wearing heels, I'm not enough for him.

I think it is is a kind of trauma response for me. In my only previous relationship, DH had cheated on me while I was pregnant, and told me that my pregnant and post-pregnant body was unattractive to him and would be to any other man. I'd also internalized some black and white messages from childhood, I was the nerdy and ugly child, and my sister was the pretty and sporty one.

It can be really hard to change thoughts like this. For me, it is closely linked to episodes of depression.

Being truly understood can be very validating and can increase trust and intimacy but you need to be really honest which is not easy.
It won't change the feelings that stem from your mum's treatment unless you challenge them consciously and work through the related feelings but it can help you do that.

I doubt if you're really that fucked up. Most people have issues when you dig a bit but most avoid thinking about them.

So! You need to do you. What makes YOU feel sexy, what do you want in the bedroom. He has asked you to wear stuff, it makes you feel not enough. Turn that around and say this is what makes me feel sexy, my own clothes made me feel enough.

A few points that may help.
Would you say these things yo someone else?
Do you really believe people, other than maybe very very few like less than 3%, are ugly? People who are overweight? Slightly odd boobs? C section scars? Beer bellies? Alopecia? I don't think you do, and you are just as if not more beautiful than everyone else.
Your bf sounds great, he's a keeper. Wear your nice new dresses for you because they make you feel good in your body, he will like them but also wouldn't care if you wore joggers.

I can understand in a way OP as I don't like stuff like that nowadays either. I would just say no to men no doubt requesting it (a lot sadly do in my experience.)

I don't know if therapy would help.

I've heard it as "you need to do this in order to be sexually attractive to me."

But that isn't want blokes are saying when they ask for these things OP. Therapy will help exactly because you've taken it in that way and it's had a negative effect on you, no doubt due to past experiences. It will help you change how it's made/triggered you to feel. x

If it helps my brother in law always said, I don't care what my woman is wrapped in, I don't care about clothes,
if she is naked with me and happy with being naked with me I'm the the luckiest man alive.

Does this behaviour hurt his feelings? You’ve talked about not caring if he leaves you, but you haven’t described him in a way that sounds like you have a strong sense of his inner world. A lot of what you’ve said about him is your projection of what you think his views must be - he told me I look nice so he must actually think [insert worst possible interpretation here].

He can’t compliment you without sending you into turmoil and withdrawing affection, he can’t take a photo of you or with you. Does he find you controlling?

You said you had therapy and it didn’t work. You need to do more to work on this anxious-avoidant attachment you’re projecting onto him and the very black-and-white thinking that results. You deserve a warm, empathetic relationship and so does he.

You could have therapy if you wanted to help you work through these feelings if they're painful.

Or if you just don't like those things, you don't like them, and that's fine too. I imagine most of us, at least after a certain age, have one or other of the sexually performative/porny things which we don't like doing and won't do.

That's the thing. Nothing really makes me feel sexy. I'm almost scared of 'sexy'. It makes me feel very anxious and vulnerable. I'm scared of 'expressions' of lust or 'passion'. Again it makes me feel very anxious.

Inside my head is a very different story. I'm quite risqué and definitely not vanilla but I've never been able to be that in real life because I'm me. And I'm not sexy. And I don't want someone to be repulsed at the thought of me.

And then it all just shuts down.

I'm surprised that everyone is interpreting this as a trauma response, that there's something wrong. It's almost as if we have to be sexual performers and if we're not, we're damaged. Sex is subtle and complex. Sometimes you just get turned off. Don't fight it or seek treatment! We have such disrespect for ourselves as women, I can't stand it.

There are all sorts of different kinds of therapy, not just one. I found EMDR particularly helpful @DownAtMySpotInTheGarden and would recommend.

I used to do all the stuff when I was younger to try and impress men, now there are some things I know I don't like and don't want to do. (For instance leg shaving- I have sensitive skin anyway so it just made me go red and scabby and didn't look any more attractive.)

Another thing I don't like is receiving oral (I know that sounds weird to most women.) Everyone's different.

I do agree as women we get programmed to be sexual even when we are not feeling it but OP has said she wants to be sexual with her partner if I'm not wrong?
She has asked for help specifically because her partner asked her to dress up. This led to feeling crap.
My only response to that is ;
Dress up and feel crap to please him but not yourself or
Find out what is making you feel you should feel crap about dressing up for him?
And don't forget the ephuesim regarding " dressing up" is usually the woman putting on a set of clothes that don't make her feel sexy and are a costume for porn reanactment

If therapy isnt working try magick.

One technique for overcoming this kind of negative self-talk is to create a tulpa - basically a character in your head that sets up a counterpoint to the mental commentary that is harming you.

One that might work well for you is creating a "Loving Grandmother" and setting aside 5 mins or so every day to have a little chat with Grandma.

Of course, this is the 21st century so for a high-tech version try ChatGPT.

Here's a prompt

"You are my kind and loving grandmother who loves me just as I am, is very proud of my achievements, independence and character and who is always encouraging and supportive and dispenses wise council.

Respond to everything I say to you with loving and positive thoughts including emojis and use my name (DownAtMySpotInTheGarden) interchangably with terms of endearment as you address the areas of concern that I raise and dispense your wisdom on how to navigate situations I find myself in and encourage me to talk more about how I feel.

The first thing I say to you is "my boyfriend asked me to wear sexy underwear and it made me feel inadequate"

OP, has he said what specific items you might wear to " spice things up" it might help, or was it just a generic " wear sexy underwear" ?

I mean , what did he specifically mean by it ?

You're punishing him harshly, just for asking. But pretending that you're not.

My partner loves white boxers on me, I do too, what did he want you to wear?

My only response to that is ; Dress up and feel crap to please him but not yourself or Find out what is making you feel you should feel crap about dressing up for him?

And/or, just don't do the thing you don't want to do @DownAtMySpotInTheGarden . Some of this sex stuff might feel virtually compulsory, but it's not.

You really need therapy for your unresolved trauma. Try a different therapist than last time, sometimes a change in therapists helps. Your overreaction is so crazy it's clearly traumatic. Regardless of what happens to this relationship, you need therapy. Your trauma will not go away by itself and will keep manifesting in different ways.

I mean, most women don't go around wearing porn style clothing, even in the bedroom I'm sure most women wear knickers and bras that are comfortable but look alluring to most men.

I get it: not like we can ask him for underwear

Haven't read the whole thread
But
Imho your over thinking this way too much
Men are simple things that like a little extra visual stimulation at times
I'd say 99% of men love seeing their hot partner in stockings heels and sexy underwear ( I know I do and just because I've asked her to wear it doesn't mean I don't fancy her out of it )
Your bf is the same
Don't think of it as your not attractive
Think of it as like going out for a meal and ordering a side dish
The foods looks no worse with out it but looks that little bit nicer with it