My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

[Babyroadtripper]

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

parents aren't responding they need to be embarrassed in to doing so

Absolutely.

In terms of the cousin. If he is the type of kid who obsesses over stuff, he will have other obsessions.

Find out what they are, and then encourage your DH to to engage with those hobbies. Help your nephew engage in his other interest.

Also, you and your DH need to set a series of 'rules' to what your cousin can and can't do with baby. Explain this carefully to child with other adults present.

You could think of a simple safe activity that they can do together. IE building and knocking down soft dice.

When he exhibit kind, good behaviours. Loads of praise. When not, reminder of the rules.

Done expect your in laws to know what is safe for your baby. The baby and toddler years go in a blink of the eye, and you do forget.

Keep her with you or DH. If other adults in your party offer to help tell them straight “you can hold her but don’t give her to 11yr old after he dropped her yesterday.”

If 11yr old asks can still be nice (he is a child after all). E.g “you can play together with us but I can’t let you hold her because when you dropped her she hurt herself and I don’t want that to happen again”.

If any of the family have a prob with that it’s their prob. Tbh they prob won’t as from what you’ve said you are right and if they do, stand your ground, it’ll put clear boundaries in place going forward.

'BIL, wife and granny, it's not safe for little Johnny to be too close to baby Alice, he's too heavy handed with her and while I know he loves her, he is not capable of being gentle with her. I can't allow him to manhandle her and will have to tell him off. Under no circumstances is he to be left unsupervised with her. Sorry if this makes me seem OTT but, as Alice's mother, it's my responsibility to keep her safe so these are the rules that need to be adhered to'.

I’d go nuclear at the child and the parents for not parenting properly if I were in your shoes.

I would keep them separate. When you are in your aclcomodation keep your DD in a different room. Block/lock the door to stop him coming in. Yes it will cause an issue BUT it will mean your daughter stays safe. The others won't like it as it means the nephew will be upset he can't get at DD, and probably you and/or DH are not pulling your weight with food etc... but if that is what you have to do TO KEEP DD SAFE then that is what has to happen. Inlaws can solve this by monitoring the boy and PREVENTING him from continually hurting your daughter - their choice.

This is an exhausting situation to be in, I have had exactly the same scenario on a family holiday.

The adults are the issue as the enablers, and yep it's awful not being able to trust them with your baby because the little boy can do no wrong in their eyes.

When I came back from my holiday I've vowed never to go with them again. Until then the only thing you can do is watch your baby like a hawk and keep him away from her, it's exhausting and awkward but you can let them (wrongly) write it off as you being a neurotic/anxious mother x

Agree just be mega firm and don’t let baby out of your reach. If his parents’ don’t say anything then speak up and tell him off yourself. Set baby up a play area and keep her in there and make it clear to him that she’s playing happily and he’s not to touch or disturb her.

You need to protect your child. My child has a cousin a little bit younger who also doted on him. No additional needs, a lovely caring cousin. But still a child themselves and not used to being responsible for a baby. I always watched and would intervene if something not right. For me it was easy because cousin genuinely adores DS and wanted to do the right thing. But there is no way - not one single chance - that I would have let him take my DS into a pool at a waterpark. He once was with him in a small pool and didn't help when he slipped, just looked helplessly at us adults! Luckily I was right next to them and scoped DS up. With your situation Under no circumstances should he be left alone or in the water. You are the mum, you get to decide. There is no reason for a baby to be away from you for any minute of that waterpark day.

Are they from Italy?

Haven't read the ft but would it be possible t speak to nephew when he is not doing anything. Explain that you can see he loves Baby and what a good boy he is but babies are very fragile so like playing with a very tiny soft kitten ( sounds rubbish but you could improve the content! Then praise him whenever he is being gentle with baby??

I don’t think you could go on holiday with them in the near future.

There are a few things - why would you let him sit next to her or peer over her or come up to her? It’s not a great situation but this is safety first. You do unfortunately have to up your game and stick to your baby like glue. If you want some downtime with the baby on a mat then use your bedroom with the door closed more often to get some space. Then the rest is walks out by yourself. Is the Dad there? Get him to physically stop the kid.

And yes if it was as bad as this I would have a word with the parents and just say can you do your best to keep your son distracted with other stuff.

I’d seriously be thinking of going home early, this whole holiday sounds too fraught.

I had this when my oldest was a baby. My nephew constantly crossed boundaries. In-laws kept wanting him to hold my son and he was holding him like rag doll. We went to my in-laws for lunch one afternoon. DS was in the high chair and I spent the whole meal trying to stop my nephew from forcing cola into my baby’s mouth. My brother in law and sister in law just sat there and didn’t say anything. Kids are kids at the end of the day but their parents should step in and tell them if they aren’t being gentle enough with a baby.

Your her parent. Why would you let an 11 year old take her in a pool? Just say no And 11 year olds really don't have any awareness of what's safe for a baby, given their utter lack of experience with them so I don't know why you'd expect him to be concerned about a bumped head

Exactly this. When my youngest was born, I couldn't let him alone with his big brother. His brother was vile towards him. I had to make sure I was always between them in the room. You've just got to do what you've got to do to keep the baby safe. It's very common. Maybe less so with 11 year olds (my eldest was a toddler when his brother was born) but it's hardly the first time that's ever happened. Also, would you really allow another adult to hold your baby in a swimming pool?! Apart from my husband, there's no way I would. And definitely not any child. Just stick like glue to your baby - which is what many people do anyway as a matter of course.

Just remembered, even a good friend of mine accidentally hurt my son - she thought his neck was stronger than it was, so didn't hold his head properly and it flopped back. The only way to be safe is to keep the baby 100% attached to you... and even then, I managed to have accidents with both of my children.

There is no reason for a baby to be away from you for any minute of that waterpark day.

Exactly this. I wouldn't allow either of my children to be away from me at a waterpark, even now. I can't imagine why anyone would even dream of an 11 month old baby going off with someone else!

Sigh. I've been in this situation except the IL's just went "aww, he's jealous of the baby" (in a, isn't that sweet tone of voice), & also they had a dog that they got from a puppy but never really trained & the response to it jumping up on everyone & it generally being over excited all the time was to say oh don't mind ddog she's harmless! I never let the baby out of my arms reach & if IL's were having a cuddle/holding baby I would be stood or sat next to them making small talk so that I could physically block the cousin from getting to baby. I said that I wouldn't go round if the dog was there unless it was shut in a bedroom or something so we weren't invited again (the dog bit SIL a year after I refused to go round, bad enough that she needed stitches so it wasn't just me being precious). I'd either make my excuses/not go to the water park (oh dear I think baby is coming down with a cold we'll stay home) or not let anyone else hold the baby particularly in the water. If they thought I was being precious/over protective I wouldn't care sod them!

Sorry about your DD spewing later on tonight, but wouldn't take her to a water park feeling like that and potentially throwing up in a pool.

He/they sound utterly awful. Spirited, is he?
If he had hurt my baby deliberately, and yes of course it’s deliberate, I’d have given him a very spirited wallop. Yes, yes, cruel, child abuse, yadda yadda.
Also, btw, he doesn’t love her.

Take her to the loo with you, tell the grandparents that they are too slow to protect her from him, and go home.

This is somewhat of an aside to the main issue but have you got a buoyancy aid or swimwear with buoyancy in it or even armbands - I tend to use those around water.

Sounds like the child shouldn't be let near her in any case.

How long are you there for?
Maybe some days you could split, so nephew and his parents do an outing with granny one day, then swap over the next day so granny is out with you.
At home you just have to keep speaking up, not fun I know, but his parents and your mil will hopefully see how over excited he's getting around the baby and they'll step in sooner.

Can you have a talk with your MIL and ask her to help you keep your DD safe?

I'd be the same.

I'd be very hard put not to be brutal in my criticism TBH.

Someone upthread said that a child of 11 doesn't understand - absolute rubbish! Even small children - much younger than 11 - can be empathic (though of course they shouldn't be left with tiny children because they aren't able to physically and emotionally to care for them.

This boy knows what he is doing is wrong, as you can see by his reaction. He may well have additional needs, but babies must be protected - his feelings are less important than the baby's safety.

"Spirited" is such an over-used term, isn't it?

Very often means the child is just a little PITA.

At 11 months I just wouldn’t let her out of your sight. She’s easy to hold, carry, pick-up, so between you and your DH you’re just going to have to do this.