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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
StormShadow · 29/05/2023 20:34

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 29/05/2023 16:36

Let them all go to the waterpark, but you, your DH and your DD stay behind.
Absolutely do not leave your baby with him. He's old enough to know he's hurting her.

Yeah I don't think I'd be taking her there. She can be off colour that day.

Nanny0gg · 29/05/2023 20:34

polkadotdalmation · 29/05/2023 18:23

Why are you leaving a baby in the care of others? Shes your child, your responsibility. Just watch her as you normally would. Or am I missing something.

Yes. What the OP actually said.

autienotnaughtym · 29/05/2023 20:39

I would obviously watch constantly and when your not your dh is. Let grand parents hold her but stay close. If dn is doing anything say to parents "dn is poking dd in the throat can you manage this please " every time. Make it their problem. And don't rebook for next year.

Scaryspouse · 29/05/2023 20:54

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 20:31

"Spirited" is such an over-used term, isn't it?

Very often means the child is just a little PITA.

Show quote history

What is it with all the adult bullying of disabled kids on Mumsnet at the moment?

ChateauMargaux · 29/05/2023 20:54

Speak to your MIL / FIL and be honest.

Today shocked me a little and I am worried for DD. I think I will have to keep her close to me. What can we do together to ensure that she is safe? Will you help me? Can you keep nephew occupied while we are out together - get them to bring games, buy food, take him on slides at the water park...

Speak to your DH as well, try to avoid situations where you and DH are both unavailable to be 100% responsible for DD.. if the dishwasher needs to be loaded, leave it until the other one is available. If you are sitting at dinner, keep DD in a position where nephew cannot reach her. She might be a little frustrated if you inhibit her desire to move / explore but it will not hamper her overall development to keep her close to you / strapped into a buggy / in a baby carrier... while she is around nephew.

Chestnutlover · 29/05/2023 20:55

You’re her mama you’re allowed to set very clear boundaries. Say ‘no I’m uncomfortable with that or ‘that makes me anxious’
I have a baby and those sentences seem to work. Or when people are around that don’t respect him enough I keep him very close. Not worth the risk.

Scaryspouse · 29/05/2023 20:56

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 20:29

I'd be the same.

I'd be very hard put not to be brutal in my criticism TBH.

Someone upthread said that a child of 11 doesn't understand - absolute rubbish! Even small children - much younger than 11 - can be empathic (though of course they shouldn't be left with tiny children because they aren't able to physically and emotionally to care for them.

This boy knows what he is doing is wrong, as you can see by his reaction. He may well have additional needs, but babies must be protected - his feelings are less important than the baby's safety.

Show quote history

You have literally no idea of this child's mental capacities and what he does and doesn't understand.

silverfullmoon · 29/05/2023 21:08

I would lose my shit at him and ensure he got the message loud and clear. The fact he sloped off after he dropped her and she hit her head means he knows he was wrong. If he had no idea what he did was wrong he would have stayed not realising why everyone was so upset.

If his parents won’t discipline him then I would do it myself. I’d be telling him “NO! you are not to do that again, you have hurt her. Stay away from my baby”

If people get embarrassed about that then tough shit. It’s absolutely shocking to act like it’s no big deal to drop a baby on her head on a concrete floor. WTF is wrong with them? I suspect if you do start asserting boundaries with him they won’t like it as it will upset him but apparently, they don’t give a toss when your daughter is hurt/injured so who cares what they think.

roses110 · 29/05/2023 21:09

If you can see your nephew is obsessed with her, how about coming up with safe ways for him to play with her whilst you are involved. e.g ask him to build a tower block with toy bricks whilst you and your daughter watch or he can help read her a story whilst you hold her? He might get more frustrated not being able to play with her and then act out to get attention. Might be easier for you to sit with her and teach him how he can gently be involved so he still gets to interact with her, but she is kept safe.

Hollyhobbi · 29/05/2023 21:09

Presumably you are in a hot country op if ye are going to a waterpark? Your baby shouldn't be out in the heat for too long as she might get heatstroke/sunstroke?

MammaTo · 29/05/2023 21:11

I think you’re going to have to possibly hurt some peoples feelings whilst on this holiday sadly, which obviously no one wants to do on a family break.

Id say to MIL don’t let him near the baby and see if she can be recruited as another pair of hands and say to BIL/SIL they need to speak to him about how he acts around the baby. I’d be fuming about his behaviour but you’re stuck in a really tricky position this holiday. Can chalk it up to a lesson learnt and never go again.

Marcipex · 29/05/2023 21:15

He’s eleven and going to secondary school next year, and he still doesn’t understand that smashing a ball into a babies face will hurt them?
Doesn't understand the simple phrase ‘Don’t poke the baby’s throat’ ?
(I am slightly discounting the dropped-off-chair event because I think he could easily have misjudged the babies weight.)

Anyway I would say sharply ‘Don’t poke her.’
Second time, block/push his hand/arm away as he tries to poke her. Say ‘Don’t poke etc’ very loudly indeed.
After that if his parents ignore, I’d raise the roof.
Blanket ban on his touching her. Her safety has to be your priority.

I don’t know the child of course but it’s very simple.
A He doesn’t understand; in this case he’s not safe with her.
B He does understand; in this case he’s malicious and not safe with her.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:18

Scaryspouse · 29/05/2023 20:54

What is it with all the adult bullying of disabled kids on Mumsnet at the moment?

Show quote history

Keeping a baby safe is NOT "bullying".

All children need discipline, and if we don't provide it then we are doing the child a disservice. We are letting a child grow up to be an unlikeable person.

If you allow a child to be a PITA s/he will grow up entitled and arrogant.

As forsaking the baby everywhere with her, OP will be doing that - but an 11-month old is heavy, and having to carry her everywhere will be exhausting. This is her holiday - she should be able to rely on one of the other adults to protect the baby for a few minutes a few times a day while she has a shower, nips to the loo, whatever - and she can't because they all indulge this "spirited" child.

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 21:20

I would lose my shit at him and ensure he got the message loud and clear. The fact he sloped off after he dropped her and she hit her head means he knows he was wrong. If he had no idea what he did was wrong he would have stayed not realising why everyone was so upset.

This - he may or may not know how much damage he could be doing, but he bliddy well knows that he shouldn't be doing it!

Thehippowife · 29/05/2023 21:21

I would never go and stay again when I know he is there. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is , your dd is in danger froM this kid and no one has got your DDs safety at heart. They would rather let him hurt her than start a family row. If I knew he would be there - we wouldn’t be - end of .

Hemax1 · 29/05/2023 21:22

I haven’t read all replies, but I see your issues and frustrations. I think how I would deal with it would be to change your itinerary so that you aren’t physically spending all day every day worrying about what’s going to happen. By that I mean to be in a different place to your BIL / SIL and your nephew for at least part of each day if possible.

Your MIL and FIL can choose what they wish to do, but I can see that not feeling like you have to watch everything going on you could relax for a while, and also for the possibility that your MIL especially could get some time with your daughter.

it’s obviously not going to be the trip anyone envisioned but putting some boundaries in place to make things more manageable for you might help.

Axahooxa · 29/05/2023 21:41

We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

This is where my sympathy and understanding stops. I wouldn’t be worried about my baby as I would not let go of her. Not even to go get changed, go to the toilet- she’d be with me every moment if I had the slightest inkling that the other adults I might leave her with would give her to a child to look after her in a swimming pool.

It sounds like you’ve got a good deal and get loads of rest, with family helping out. You’ll be knackered looking after your baby all day, but it’s your only solution for this stay.

BeardieWeirdie · 29/05/2023 21:42

What happened when he threw the ball at her? I would have yelled at him and sent him away. If his parents refuse to parent him, other people will.

I had similar when meeting an acquaintance when we both had 5-year-olds and new babies. Her kid deliberately started kicking a ball at me, whilst breastfeeding and I gave him such a row. His mum was shocked, clearly of the “gentle hands, darling” school, and her little horror was so surprised at having been told off for once.

Kamia · 29/05/2023 21:43

Just keep an eye on your baby around her and if others are looking after your baby let them know to do the same. Some parents with special needs children can be in denial.

Axahooxa · 29/05/2023 21:45

You have literally no idea of this child's mental capacities and what he does and doesn't understand.

Agree @Scaryspouse
assumptions that 11 year olds are all capable of the same level of understanding and reactions, even impulse control, are unhelpful.

HoleyShit · 29/05/2023 21:45

I'd have been tempted to lob the volleyball back at him....

We also had similar issues when ours was a baby. A cousin who also had additional needs and parents who had their head in the sand and just couldn't be arsed to monitor them properly.

There were a few situations that occurred which included making violent gestures towards our then 6-12 month old baby and we decided to give them a very wide berth from that point on.

Yes it caused ructions but it just wasn't worth the hassle. Grandparents also useless, sat on the fence and didn't ever intervene.

SpringTime2020 · 29/05/2023 21:46

You seem to be used to other people looking after your baby a lot. I think you just need to accept that won't work this time and one of you needs to be with her at all times, not 5 steps away, actually with her. Obviously you can't prevent everything, but it should help a lot. And MIL doesn't need 1:1 time with the baby, the baby's needs should come first.

Grimbelina · 29/05/2023 21:47

Your only job is take care of your baby's needs. Your nephew's needs are clearly not being met and it also seems that his parents etc. aren't prepared to hear you when you explain how your baby is unsafe around him. You cannot control what he does.

Therefore, you do not go on holiday with them again and you do not take your baby near them if these events can happen in the split seconds when your attention is elsewhere. In the short term you either come home or change your itinerary so that you do separate activities, including meals etc. If they fall out with you over it, then so be it.

I say this as someone who has had to put very clear boundaries in place between my children and a ND relative who can behave in ways which are unacceptable. I had to do this when my children were babies and it is almost more important now that they are older and need to see me model what a good boundary is.

This problem is not going to go away and you need to be very prepared to deal with this for the long haul.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 29/05/2023 21:52

My son is a very sensible careful gentle well regulated and responsible 11.5 year old.

I wouldn't allow him to take charge of an 11 month old in a pool, though. No way!

BeeHappy12 · 29/05/2023 22:00

Your DD is 11 months, she's a baby so presumably you won't be leaving her out of your reach at all, she can't even go in the toddler pool without sitting on you or holding your hand. So just parent as if it's a day out together, not a great holiday for you but likely what you're used to. Obviously try to alternate with your DH but tell him beforehand he's not to entrust daughter to his parents or nephew.