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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 17:59

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 29/05/2023 16:15

@BonnieBobbin the 11 year old isn't having a careless accident, he's actively trying to hurt the baby. You can say its not his fault if he has a form of neurodiversity that means he has no empathy or common sense but its still him actively doing things that could hurt the baby and the other adults not addressing it.

There is nothing that says he's actively trying to hurt the baby. Yy his behaviour is unsafe but whether that's because he's neurodiverse or unaccustomed to babies, there is no evidence he is being malicious. And his motivation makes no difference. OP can't parent the 11-yr-old and get them to a standard where she'll feel safe leaving her baby. OP can't make the other adults change their behaviour. All OP can do to keep her baby safe, is watch her baby.
I'm not unsympathetic. I've had similar in my wider family. But it literally takes one example to realise there is a risk and that the other adults don't see that risk the same way and aren't willing to address it. Then you adapt your behaviour accordingly.

isthewashingdryyet · 29/05/2023 18:07

What are the sleeping arrangements?
from what you are saying I would be worried he will try and get to her in the night, or early morning before adults are awake.
I would be having her sleep in my room and I’d block the door with a door wedge on the inside or a chair under the door handle.
he sounds like he lacks empathy and combined with never having been told no that is a frankly scary combination

godmum56 · 29/05/2023 18:09

can you go home early?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 29/05/2023 18:10

I actually understand your concerns. My brother and his wife encourage their kids to the My oldest away on a float in the swimming pool. They are 9/7 and really good swimmers, my oldest is 4 and I'm unhappy about it, I'm always made to feel like I'm being over the top when I don't allow it. Its in water well about his head, I hate being made out to be overprotective!!

FedUpWithTheNHS · 29/05/2023 18:10

The only thing I can think about is tag team with your DH.

you hold baby and he keeps an eye on his nephew, all the time so he can intervene/come close if he is getting interested in your dd.
(and the other way around of course)

When nephew is coming close, interact with him, ask him if he’d like to <insert show dd how to play with toy/sing/whatever he can do so well and dd can’t>. Manage the interactions as much as you can.

Will it mean nothing will happen at all? I’m not sure tbh. As you said, it happens so so quickly.

And please don’t go to the water park.

EggInANest · 29/05/2023 18:14

I think your DH needs to be assertive and direct with his sibling and parents.

”We all know DNephew loves his cousin but It isn’t fair on him if he accidentally hurts her, and it is naturally stressful for DW and me when things happen like the chair incident. So can we adults all agree a rule that only adults pick up
or touch the baby, and we encourage DN to understand that she is a fragile baby and not a toy. No throwing anything, no jumping, no touching, no ‘helping’ her. Helping us for adults, not children. OK with everyone?’

Mala1992 · 29/05/2023 18:15

How often did your 11 yr old DN see your MIL before your baby was born?

I’m totally in agreement with all the safeguarding advice and was all set to dive in with some too!!

But then I saw your update that in laws live in another country as do BIL and SIL. If you see MIL far more often than you see BIL, SIL, and DN - then some of this issue is a bit more understandable. If MIL is obsessed with your DD (as most of us are with babies) I can imagine that DN is not so much obsessed with DD, more that he’s aware that his grandmother is.

If any of this is true I’d absolutely not have MIL doing any baby care on this particular trip, no matter how convenient and lovely it normally is on your trips with just her and FIL. And no feeling sorry for her!! It’s in the interests of family building long term.

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2023 18:16

If DN's parents are not going to parent DN, then you need to.

I.E. Don't do that, DN!

I.E. Stop that!!!

I.E. No, you can't.

I've seen it chapter and verse, other people being the lazy parent, and the only one that will suffer is YOU and in this case, your child, OP.

So be strict, you are your daughter's advocate and are there to keep her safe.

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2023 18:17

”We all know DNephew loves his cousin but It isn’t fair on him if he accidentally hurts her, and it is naturally stressful for DW and me when things happen like the chair incident. So can we adults all agree a rule that only adults pick up
or touch the baby, and we encourage DN to understand that she is a fragile baby and not a toy. No throwing anything, no jumping, no touching, no ‘helping’ her. Helping us for adults, not children. OK with everyone?’

^

Say this, but more assertively.

WinterDeWinter · 29/05/2023 18:18

"BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL - it's so lovely that DN seems to be entranced by DD, but I've got a lot of experience in situations like this and I know that it can end really really badly for the younger child when the older one doesn't have the awareness of what's safe and not for a baby this age. Things can happen very very quickly in these situations.

It's absolutely not his fault, but we're going to have to keep them separate. Can we all agree to police this? It's very important obviously and I know you'll want to do the safe thing. BIL and SIL, he might feel sad about this - could you explain to him gently that it's not his fault but that for now he needs to stay away from her, but that perhaps when she's a bit older they can play together."

Or something like that. This way you don't force them to confront his additional needs, but the implication is there in your mentioning of your professional experience, and you will have raised the spectre of the worst case scenario in a way they can't brush under the carpet

coxesorangepippin · 29/05/2023 18:18

All that worked was me losing my shit.

^^

This!!

WinterDeWinter · 29/05/2023 18:19

Oh and make sure you mention how awful it would be for him if something serious were to happen, with serious impacts for him.

polkadotdalmation · 29/05/2023 18:23

Why are you leaving a baby in the care of others? Shes your child, your responsibility. Just watch her as you normally would. Or am I missing something.

35965a · 29/05/2023 18:28

Very occasionally there is a need to lose your shit to get your point across. This is one of those times. With the adults and the child. Don’t skirt around it now.

Fcuk38 · 29/05/2023 18:28

Just parent simple. Your kid don’t let him near her unattended and it’s he doing something you don’t like tell him. He’s 1- fgs.

realityhack · 29/05/2023 18:30

AcrossthePond55 · 29/05/2023 16:19

Regardless of whose 'fault' it is the fact is that you are going to have to be unafraid of causing a 'stink' with the family (specifically his parents) by stating baldly that Cousin does not know how to behave around DD safely and that the parents need to insure that he is kept away from her. You also need to be unafraid of telling Cousin off directly with very stern words in front of the family. It's not going to make you very popular, but your DD's safety comes first.

You also need to realize there will be no lie ins, no 'dates', and no time away from DD since you cannot trust others to care for her in the way you want her to be cared for.

Frankly, I'd probably pack up and leave. After all how relaxing is this holiday going to be with you and DH having to be 100% on guard 24/7? And what 'atmosphere' is going to be created if you raise a stink or tell off Cousin in stern terms? You may as well have stayed at home.

Show quote history

This. OP it seems like you have to choose between your daughter's safety and getting their backs up. I'd be choosing the latter. Every time he looks like he's going to do something aggressive, I'd respond very loudly and make it abundantly clear its not ok. This will likely cause them to be annoyed with you but at this point I wouldnt care. Your DD could get seriously hurt and this sounds like hellish holiday for you. In future, I wouldnt be going away with all of them ever again, if hey get pissed off about it, let them get pissed off. Rather have hurt feelings than a physically hurt baby.

GloriousD · 29/05/2023 18:34

Bluebells1970 · 29/05/2023 16:07

You need to tell his parents. Because he's always going to be older and stronger than your DD. Set those boundaries out now of what you expect from them.

This.

Your DH needs to have an assertive, direct conversation around expectations and concerns with all 4 ILs.

Otherwise at best you are all going to fall out due to with held resentment which explodes to anger - at worst your DD will be hurt …. again.

Get the conversation done.

Also think the throwing the ball was nasty after you ‘told him off’ - think his obsession and coo-ing may have flipped to jealousy or revenge.

100% calmly protect your DD.

Who cares if they think you precious - rather that than an injured baby.

Forget polite - get assertive - before this turns aggressive.

3BSHKATS · 29/05/2023 18:37

Basically you don't let the baby out of your arms, nobody except you has her. End of story.
Upset the rellies so what, a bang to the back of her head could have been fatal.

Topseyt123 · 29/05/2023 18:38

I'd have totally lost it with nephew and his parents, I'm afraid. Rightly or wrongly.

Firstly, there's no need for you to go to the water park. An 11 month old will have no concept of what that would be at this point anyway so don't subject yourselves to that stress. You can stay away from it with DH and DD, or go and see/do something else while the rest of them take nephew there.

Make clear that after current experience you don't want him near her because a) he doesn't know his own strength so his behaviour is totally inappropriate, b) he is worse than a bull in a china shop so c) he has already hurt her and was extremely lucky that it wasn't serious.

CheshireCat1 · 29/05/2023 18:40

Ask your husband to suggest a couple of boys only outings, you’ll at least have some time to relax with the women of the family. Don’t do any tidying up, emptying the dishwasher etc. so you can stay nearer your child. When eating sit your baby in between yourself and your husband. If you have to scold the 11 year old, just do it very firmly, hopefully the parents will get the message.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 29/05/2023 18:40

Been there, OP.
I just held on to my baby.

Eventually I didn't even give her to DH because he was all about pleasing MIL and his siblings.
We had talked and he agreed with me that DD needed to be kept away from little cousin.
He handed DD to her 9 yr old cousin (who has some serious communication and social needs that everyone pretends is him being quirky) and my DD ended up with a cut to her face and a huge abrasion from being dragged across a concrete floor. I had gone to use the ladies . After that, my baby was with me ALL the time.
Don't consider anyone's feelings, you can be polite if you want but be firm. Keep your baby with you at all times. No apologies to anyone.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 29/05/2023 18:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LolaMoon · 29/05/2023 18:45

OP- why are you the one having to repress your feelings and not upset anyone? Your baby was nearly seriously injured! Start raging about it. I would. I actually think if it were me I would have VERY loudly told him off in front of everyone and then left the room making it crystal clear I was very upset. Sometimes people need to see how upset you are before they take it seriously and I dont see why you should have to keep biting your tongue and cope with this worry silently whilst everyone else pretends its fine.

Show them your upset. I would not be going to the water park and if anyone asked why I would be honest about it. You can express your concerns and your needs in an assertive, civil but honest manner. You arent being rude or unreasonable, a bang to the head like that could have been fatal if it was hard enough. Its not ok and its not ok that they are pretending not to see it. If you do this, the worst scenario that can happen is they get annoyed with you. So what? Let them be annoyed. The worst scenario if you dont speak up, is.... unthinkable.

Caulidop · 29/05/2023 18:47

,@Babyroadtripper You absolutely need to advocate for your child. If other child is doing anything untoward, shout an immediate warning. Be aggressive with this. 11 years old is old enough to understand, I parents aren't responding they need to be embarrassed in to doing so. Otherwise, keep your child away from that family in future, and be super vigilant over the next few days. Pull back from grandparent supervision, and explain to them why in private. Explain your fear. You are not unreasonable, you are mot wrong. You are terrified your child might come to haem, and quite rightly. Best wishes OP

Twazique · 29/05/2023 18:47

I would skip the water park. Its going to be a long holiday so give yourselves a day off! Maybe your DD has a tummy bug, would be irresponsible to take her then...