My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

[Babyroadtripper]

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

You have two choices here: either stick your baby to you like Velcro or go home. No one else is going to step in and help you, unfortunately

OP, sometimes you need to lose your shit to get your point across. I went on holiday with an ex friend, my 17 week old and her 3 year old. The 3 year old, every single day, was hitting my baby, throwing things at her, it was awful. This was when I was holding her, literally coming up and hitting her. I know 3 is different from 11 but she still knew it was wrong. My 'friend', the 3 year olds mother, didn't once intervene, tell her off, anything. I tried hinting nicely a couple of times but she turned it round on me, said I was 'nipping' at her daughter by telling her off when she hit my baby. All that worked was me losing my shit. It was the only way that worked to keep my baby safe. I then left early.

I'd be absolutely mortified if my child was hurting a baby. Even at baby groups, other mothers watch their kids and gently remove their hands from other babies when they reach out to touch them. I'd be expecting the parents of this 11 year old to be watching him like a hawk and drumming into him that his actions are unacceptable.

I don't think any amount of telling off or the parents intervening is going to make this situation safe. If you are right, and the child has SN that makes him prone to impulsive and non-empathic behaviour as well as obsession, this isn't going to change by being told off, it's going to continue or he'll do it when they leave the room/look away/anyway. They aren't going to change their parenting and he isn't going to suddenly behave better, not if there's an underlying cause.

The options are: one of you is with your toddler all the time, you go home. The option stay and hope they can control their son is just not realistic. I think this means letting go of the idea of this being a holiday where everyone can help out and you get some time alone without your baby, and it turns into more like a couple holiday with you two and the baby all of the time. Not great, but that's the options!

Could he be jealous of her taking attention away from him?

Agree with the tag teaming with you and DH if he's on your side.

I'm in agreement with those who think you shouldn't take her to a waterpark. There's just too much risk involved in combining a water park environment with the 11 year old's already deeply problematic behaviour towards your DD. Stay at the apartment and have some peace and quiet while they go.

Look, your only priority is to safeguard your DD. everything else, like worrying that somebody will be offended if you point out that the 11 year old has been able to actively harm your 11 month old DD even with close and multiple adult supervision, is unimportant in comparison to your priority: you need to protect your DD.

From where I'm sitting, staying in the same apartment as the 11 year old doesn't seem compatible with keeping DD safe, let alone going to a waterpark with them. I'd find a hotel or apartment and move the three of you into that for the rest of the stay, telling the other adults why, and that you will still meet up with them all for plenty of quality time, either in turns without DD, with somebody taking the 11 year old OUT of the way entirely to do an activity 1 or 2 to 1, or for VERY short and VERY controlled periods of time with you literally holding your DD and NOBODY else touching her, on the understanding that all of the other adults engage with keeping 11 year old away from her. Explain to them why you are doing this: point out strongly that your 11 month old baby COULD. HAVE. DIED. when he dropper her head onto the stone floor. Could have been paralysed, or had a brain injury. Point out the other incidents that have happened so far this holiday. I don't know if you are worried about coming across as a neurotic mother, but in this instance I think you should not give one damn about if they think you're being OTT, neurotic or even hurtful about the 11 year old. Your responsibility is to keep your DD safe, and I think this situation needs radical change in order to achieve that.

You shouldn't even be considering bringing the baby to the water park. Water parks are nightmarish environments for parents of wobbly walkers.

If you do go, consider spending at most one hour there. While you're there, do not let the baby out of your arms/ hand.

Wrt the boy at home - you need to watch your baby like a hawk. You need to be with her at all times. You need to use a low, firm voice and tell him no touching or lifting of the baby is allowed

You need to be very firm regardless of the disapproval of the rest of the family. In particular, you need to hammer home the message that you DO NOT ALLOW TICKLING, AT ALL, EVER. He is never, ever to tickle her. I'm sorry to come across as paranoid, but tickling can be a form of grooming, SEN or no.

You are not going to be able to make the other adults here like you/accept you as part of the group and keep your baby safe. You need to choose which is more important to you here.

My honest advice is to have a quiet word with your nephew yourself, or get your DH to have a word. Speak very quietly to him, almost ice cold in your calmness towards him, you're not shouting at him but you are making it VERY clear, that he is no longer allowed to touch his cousin. At all. He's not allowed to lift her, carry her, put her down anywhere. He's not allowed. She is not a doll to be played with.
If he does, not only will he have his own mum and dad calling him out on it, but you'll start too.

Something like "Look Nephew, when you were with Amy recently she banged her head on the cold hard floor. She is a baby still, not big and strong like you are and not able to say no for herself so as her mummy and daddy, we're telling you no now. She isn't a doll that you can play with. We know you love her and you love spending time with her but if you touch her again, I want you to know that I'll be saying "No!" loudly to you. You are not allowed to touch her at all. I know the last time was an accident but she is still so small and fragile and as I said earlier she can't say what she does and doesn't want to do so I am saying it for her. Do you understand? Do you know why we're saying this to you?"
See what he says. If he gets it, he won't go near her again for the rest of the holiday and if you're a flight away, you might get him something small in the airport shops on the way home as a thank you for understanding and learning.

What is the accommodation situation? Are you all staying together in a big place? Next time make sure you have smaller single family places so you can have smaller amounts of time together and then time where you can retreat to your own space and relax a bit. If you are all sharing then I think you need to plan some time to do things apart from dbil's family. Maybe have an hour together in the morning where you can monitor kids together and then you and DH go off for an activity/walk/etc with dd. You can explain it that your dd gets overstimulated by how excitable dn is and she needs some time out. You can also mention that you think dn is getting overexcited and that his behaviour is a bit too much for DD after a while. And that you think small bursts are better for everyone.

Been in the same situation and your gut instinct is 100% correct. Keep your child near you at all times, even if it means you don't get to enjoy the day much. Think of some excuses like she's not feeling well, she's teething, she slept badly last night etc. Take the buggy with so you can disappear on an extended walk or something. It's just a single day and your job is to make sure the cousin has as little contact with your child as possible without it becoming too obvious to BIL, SIL or PIL. Don't bring the topic up or make it obvious. Don't even say too much to your partner otherwise he might let something slip to his family.

DD was a toddler and narrowly escaped a serious eye injury by a cousin who also had/has special needs (but not confirmed nor spoken of by the family). He deliberately attacked he with a sharp object and it happened within seconds with lots of adults (including myself) within meters but nobody managed to prevent it. It missed her eye by a few mm and caused a nasty gash but thankfully didn't leave a scar. Needless to say I was absolutely fuming and the situation was hugely uncomfortable for BIL/SIL/in laws, with whom we get along with very well. However in the aftermath I realised that the grandparents aren't obliged to take sides and the family reaction is to just sweep it under the rug and not talk about it. If anything, PIL are more likely to sympathise with the child who has SEN. Luckily, since it didn't do any lasting damage we all just decided it's best forgotten.

Sadly, if your daughter got hurt from the cousin, the only person to lose out is you. You won't receive a lot of sympathy from the family as the collective reaction out of guilt and embarrassment is just to hush it up. So just spend the rest of the holiday in helicopter mum mode, it's a small price to pay for something potentially disastrous. Trust me, an incident can happen within seconds as the one you described above. Your job is to reduce the possibility of anything happening to your baby, including keeping her (and the cousin) away from environmental hazards.

Another idea considering the cousin is a bit older is to buy some gifts to keep him entertained. You can disguise this as a big gift-for-all (soap bubbles, sand toys, markers etc) that everyone can play with but include something you know he'll like (activity book, lego set, apple store gift card for a mobile game) or whatever might keep him away from your child during the trip.

Set some rules like under no circumstances must he pick her up. Especially not sitting her on a dining chair. Encourage him to interact with her but no touching her face. If you leave a room you will have to take her with you. If you do feel he's going too far just step in and pick her up. As for the waterpark won't you be with her all the time?

I used to have this when my son was a baby. Was a summer playscheme for special needs. They had they're own baby girl a few months older than my son. But for some reason she was obsessed with my son. I would tell her no but she ignored me and carried on. Parents were as much use as a wet lettuce. So I had to pick him up out of the baby seat he was in to comfort him.

When they brought they're older daughter about 10. She behaved much better. But she was distracting her with something else which is what her parents should have been doing.

The thing is- I now have to say no to walks with granny and make sure my DH holds her when I go to the loo.

Say no and make another suggestion or offer to go along - tell DH he has her while he pops to the loo - announce it to the room and try and make sure he responses before going then if something happens - ask why the fuck he wasn't watching her and he's not there - name another adult not accept everyone watching name someone.

Has years with MIL putting kids in danger to point score and years at toddler groups were other kids were left to run wild - you head it off you hoover you stay firm you say no you body block and fuck what anyone thinks and refuse to let things go.

It's not at all relaxing and frankly it was exhausting on visits and worse on holidays they invited themselves on.

you hover not hoover .

Forgot to mention that DH and I decided privately that DD should never be left alone with the cousin so we simply take turns keeping a very close eye on things at family events. We didn't say this to anyone and just do so discreetly. Especially as you're currently on vacation, escalating the situation or confronting the cousin/his parents may do more harm than good. Even if you're staying in the same house, you can still come up with excuses to stay in your room, go on walks, go shopping, go for drives or do whatever that keeps you away from the cousin. At mealtimes, sit away from him at the table, keep things brief and disappear as soon as you can with excuses like bathtime, bad naps hence early bedtime etc.

But she was distracting her with something else which is what her parents should have been doing.

Yes distraction of otehr children to avoid them getting to yours - that's a tactic that works as well.

Also, someone up thread asked what the accommodation situation is like? Is there any chance you and your DH and DD could hire a car and go off for a few days to sight see for a bit of a break? Can you decide to change your return flights if you really don't think it's safe enough for your DD to be in?

If it upsets the apple cart, so be it. At least your DD will be safe and you can try again when she is a bit older.

I don't think you can take your baby to the water park as she has a slight temperature doesn't she?

And then maybe she has a virus so nephew might catch it if he comes nearby.

Best to keep away surely.

Tell all the relatives staying there this and keep it up.

You need to have a word with the parents. A very stern one at that. You and your DP.

Well you could start world war 3 but you could also try watching your dd like a hawk (because her safety is and must be your primary concern) and at the same time model positive ways that your nephew can safely engage and play with her (under your supervision). But whether you want to do that depends a lot on how you feel about him generally and whether you want them to have a relationship going forward (if you don't far better to make that clear now so everyone is clear where you stand)

I agree with not going to water park, and maybe do a few more things separately?

If it’s all going to shit, just come home early, or move to different accommodation. Then you will have to explain to ILS that you can’t have DD with DN again until you can be sure she will be safe. And that might be never.

It sounds so exhausting, OP. Definitely let them go to the water park without you. Is it possible to find somewhere else to stay to make it more relaxing?

You can’t let a child, even a responsible and mature child supervise another child in a pool. Especially not a baby. Why would you even go to a water park, your baby will only need a little pool to play in.

I personally think an 11 month old is perhaps too little to play with much older children as the play will invariably be very rough.

This. All the posters making snide comments about her not leaving her baby - OP is clearly concerned that she can't trust the other ADULTS not to hand the baby over to the 11 year old. So no, it's not going to be relaxing for OP and she's going to be on heightened alert at the water park.

OP, I had an over enthusiastic child try to "play" with me and my 11 month old in the water which was so rough that I lifted my DC up out of the water and started to move up to the beach to get away from him. He persisted even after I said for him to stop and he kept charging at me and I kept stumbling. Luckily my lovely SDSs charged into the water and formed a block between the boy, and myself and DC. You REALLY need to get your DH on side and have him there as the side kick or as others have suggested get him and his DB to take the big kids away throughout the day onto the bigger slides etc.

Forget the water park. Plenty more baby friendly options which would get her out of his reach for the day.

As for the rest of the time, you can either:

Agree with DH that DD will be directly in one or other’s care for the entire holiday including shielding her bodily from him whenever he is nearby. Difficult to do. Potentially creates odd vibe. But least confrontational option I guess.

Or you can just tell the other adults the truth. You’re uncomfortable with him being around her as he doesn’t seem to understand his strength or what is appropriate. You can use the examples of her hitting her head and throwing a ball at her far too hard. You understand it isn’t intentional but everyone needs to understand this is a problem and find a way of dealing with it collectively.

Or you can ignore his huffing and oversensitivity and just give him a stern telling off whenever he picks her up, pokes her, tickles her…. Just say “no, stop doing that please. That’s too hard” and “no, do not pick her up. She is playing nicely. Please leave her where she is”. It will upset him, and the parents too probably, but the message will be got across. Fuck worrying about upsetting them. He needs to learn and if parents are too unwilling to manage his challenges then it falls to you and your DH.

Or you can just leave early. Or stay somewhere else.

I don’t see any other options really. I feel for you. This is a difficult situation.

Best advice