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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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6
GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2023 08:26

Prepare for other surprises.

He's not who you thought. You should consider that he's spent it in ways you wouldn't have considered.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/05/2023 08:26

As far as I know marital assets are marital assets - does he know about the money you have put away for the children??

That being said - if he's spent as much as he as and he would take you to the cleaners for half of what you have too then he's not the DH you thought he was and the fighting gloves need to come out.

NetZeroZealot · 27/05/2023 08:26

My DH has some expensive hobbies.

Photography and Hi Fi. Even he would struggle to spend £45k on it though.

We have the occasional argument as packages arrive & he leaves receipts lying around. OP it sounds like there is a 2nd hand market for your DH's stuff. Suggest he agrees to sell as much as he can.

Both have some counselling? Maybe you can get over this...

Stravaig · 27/05/2023 08:30

You're in shock, that's normal. Breathe and cry and rage, and re-read the thread at your own pace x

Practically, act now to protect whatever is left for you and your children.

Move any remaining joint savings into accounts that only you can access.

Remove his access to any joint current accounts. He pays in, that's it.

If there are any Premium Bonds left, get him to withdraw and hand over to you to re-invest for your kids.

Check what's happening with your mortgage and property ownership.

Credit check both of you to see if any other debts show up.

I agree with pp about an STD check, and let him know you're doing it. Do not have unprotected sex with him again until he has also tested clean and shown you evidence.

From now on, you cannot turn to him or trust him or rely on him for any financial or practical arrangements. Nor can you trust anything he says. This is the hardest part, and why divorce is almost inevitable.

Hiddendoor · 27/05/2023 08:30

Are you sure he is still in employment? That's a year's salary. He could be hiding unemployment.

I would be devastated, the deceit and then inability to tell the truth when asked.

I don't know about moving money to your mum but hey, that could be anything couldn't it? "Repayment" to her for long term childcare services? "Repayment" for any money ever lent to you? If he's spunked tens of thousands on nothing then so can you...

Tumbler2121 · 27/05/2023 08:31

Be careful about transferring money to your mum or anyone else. That could lead to another set of problems.
go to your bank/broker or wherever the money is and make them fully aware that the money is not to be moved without whatever safeguards they can put in place.

SkyandSurf · 27/05/2023 08:31

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine. It turned out to be gambling. He had borrowed off the mortgage and gambled it away. Still had the audacity to demand a healthy divorce settlement for himself as though he hadn't done it.

Inexplicably he remarried a nice woman very quickly, bought a nice place in cash with his settlement, retired early and carried on playing dad of the year. My friend had to work an extra 10 years to pay off the mortgage she had already paid off, so her children could stay in the family home.

Despite being in a stronger financial position, he never put his hand in his pocket for the children's weddings. One of them was in agony due to endo and needed an expensive surgery - again- didn't contribute a cent to it.

Just a prick, and although my friend covered for him as much as possible, now the children are adults they see him for exactly what he is.

billy1966 · 27/05/2023 08:32

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2023 08:26

Prepare for other surprises.

He's not who you thought. You should consider that he's spent it in ways you wouldn't have considered.

This.

He knows well what he has done with that money.

He is a liar.

Get legal advice.

Transfer money out of his reach.

Tell family and friends so you have support.

Yes your marriage is likely over.

So sorry.

Batalax · 27/05/2023 08:33

Bank and credit card statements. Cash withdrawals. Fine tooth comb.

wineandsunshine · 27/05/2023 08:35

So sorry OP - what a shitty thing for him to do.

At the moment, I would just ensure you and the children are safe. Yes he's taken money but you can't function without feeling safe to sleep.

Would he move out for a while to give you some headspace?

Frankenpug23 · 27/05/2023 08:35

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

He knows exactly where its gone - there will be transactions linked to his account if he has done a transfer from one to another which will give you an idea of where its been spent.

Take your time in understanding your next move, remove his access to the savings and for me this would hinge on whether I could trust him again.

Stravaig · 27/05/2023 08:40

ps. If you can afford it, absolutely hire professionals to help you investigate, audit finances, and advise on the best strategy for divorce.

Harrysutton · 27/05/2023 08:41

Get the bank statements and go through with a fine tooth comb.

Are you a high earner too? How long will it take him to replace the savings?

madeinmanc · 27/05/2023 08:43

For me personally it would depend on what he had spent it on as to whether the marriage was salvageable or not. Gambling addiction or drug use like coke, maybe he could go into therapy. Prostitutes, affairs or Only Fans, no.

Dreamingofthishouse · 27/05/2023 08:44

goodness me dear love you, I’m sure this is such a shock! Your right to want to know what was spent as that’s a shocking amount of money for apparently nothing, I’d be wanting to see his phone/ laptop for traces of only fans etc ? So sorry you are going through this!
is your husband overweight? I know someone who spend a lot of money( not as much as your husband ) on food/ takeaways,Meals etc? However I’m sure you’d notice that living together!
I hope he speaks up today x

Springingintosummer · 27/05/2023 08:44

Can you put money for the children in accounts that he has no access to, so cannot take again?

sounds like at the very least, you need separate savings accounts he cannot access,

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 08:47

Someone upthread asked if the hobby is shooting. If it is and he goes on shooting weekends then that can easily cost a couple of thousand a day, depending on where the shoot is.

Gazelda · 27/05/2023 08:50

I'd send him out for the day. Send the children to your mums.

Meanwhile, search the computer, house and garage. See what you uncover - records, assets, logins to strange accounts, dates of withdrawals from the PB account etc.

Once you have knowledge, you can build a picture and confront him with evidence.

Inuno · 27/05/2023 08:52

Absolutely bastard thing to do, so sorry op , agree with Frankenpug,
he knows what he’s done with it. Protect any remaining funds then do whatever you can to uncover the truth, he is lying to you . Stay strong .

Toptotoe · 27/05/2023 08:54

of course he knows where it has gone. My guess would be gambling or only fans. If he won’t be honest and tell you I would leave.

CheekyHobson · 27/05/2023 08:55

@ASeagullNamedDog

If I transfer money to my mum, would that be seen as deliberately hiding assets? How can I protect my money from him?

Its not hiding assets if you are open about the fact that you are transferring money that belongs to you (ie is 50
percent of joint assets) into a personal account in order to protect it from being taken by him, as he has shown himself to be untrustworthy with money. You could also pretty reasonably justify taking an additional 22.5K (ie equivalent to your share of the 45K he spent.

You can also just open your own bank account that he doesn’t have access to and move money to that. It doesn’t need to go to your mum.

RuthW · 27/05/2023 08:55

My ex did similar only he got into debt instead of savings.

He was living a double life and using the money supporting another woman.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 27/05/2023 08:56

I agree with PP suggesting getting some legal advice. Whether you want to divorce or not, getting some correct legal advice so you know where you stand and what you can do will help enormously IMO.

I wouldn't transfer anything to anyone else, but make sure it is in sole name so he can't access it.

Meanwhile, go thorough those statements with a fine toothed comb. Take copies of everything.

If you haven't already, get him to obtain his credit report and show it to you. There could be other cards and loans.

I am willing to bet he is still lying. What a toerag, I am so sorry.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 27/05/2023 08:57

Gazelda · 27/05/2023 08:50

I'd send him out for the day. Send the children to your mums.

Meanwhile, search the computer, house and garage. See what you uncover - records, assets, logins to strange accounts, dates of withdrawals from the PB account etc.

Once you have knowledge, you can build a picture and confront him with evidence.

^^ That's a really good suggestion.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 27/05/2023 08:59

I wonder if you are married to my ex.

Yes, you are in a divorce level situation as he is perfectly capable to bring the whole family down with his carelessness. Contrary to what people says, I would say that is perfectly plausible he has no idea where the money has gone and this is much worse as you cannot eradicate the source of the unreasonable expense unless you 1) become his mother, take care of the finances and give him an “allowance” OR 2) you divorce him. Most women try option one for years before realising their husband can’t be sorted and they go for option 2.

Things that my stupid ex spent a fortune on without realising included fancy wine to have at home (he certainly doesn’t have a drinking problem, it was quality rather than quantity, fags (one packet a day), Costa coffee (5 coffees a day), hobbies (he always had to have the best kit even if he was a beginner, ditto for DIY tools), fancy restaurants when traveling and above all… misplacing receipts for job related traveling and expenses that he should have submitted for reimbursement.

Interestingly, DS and I live much better in my some meagre income than we ever had when living with his dad who was earning just below six figures.

Best of luck, if it helps, most of us in this situation do not regret divorce, what we regret is not leaving sooner!