Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
GiveupHQ · 27/05/2023 07:38

Bloomin heck op

talk about taking a back seat in your family finances.

ClarissaExplainsSome · 27/05/2023 07:43

Get him to log on to Experian or similar with you and look at his credit file so you can see the real extent of the damage.

Sorry to make things worse but I'd be very surprised if there aren't other debts you don't know about.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/05/2023 07:43

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:26

I'm starting to think this too. Everyone can love slightly beyond their means. If he's in the highest tax band he's probably used to spending a lot of money, luxury treats, expensive hobby, big house. Just generally outliving his means

In a way I could see how the higher the salary, the higher the overspend. For example if you're used to earning £7k a month £9k isn't a massive jump. He'd be overspending by 20-25%

I'm not saying it's not a phenomenonal amount of money as dp and I are both basic rate tax payers. I could easily spend 20% over my salary every month on "stuff" if I wasn't being careful

Show quote history

I could go into the supermarket and pick up more expensive shampoo just because, get nice things for dinner, wine and beer and spend £100 and that wasn't my weekly shop. Over a weekend after drinking I would order online "things" stuff for the dogs, new collars for instance totalling £60 plus. I had a good salary but an unhappy marriage and abuse. Now I'm happily married, I have no debt, no access to credit and my husband takes full control of finances. It's very easy done x

ChristmasLightsAndSparkles · 27/05/2023 07:44

You do need to go through the accounts. It is just about possible that he's telling the truth and it has gone on living above your family's means.

Costs have gone up so much in the last 2 years. You said you live in a big house: is your mortgage fixed? A variable rate £400k mortgage going up from 2% to 5% costs an extra £1k per month. Everything else costs at least 20% more than it did 2 years ago due to inflation, and tbh it feels more like 30%.

If you were pretty much living at the top of your budget 2 years ago and haven't made changes - especially if you have a large mortgage on variable rate/fixed too late - then this could happen. And once he started dipping into reserves routinely, he perhaps stopped seeing how much it was adding up.

This wouldn't make it OK. He absolutely should have told you that the money wasn't stretching. But you should have known too. If it's this, it might be possible for your marriage to survive.

Shelby2010 · 27/05/2023 07:46

Frittering away money in an account is easy, but actively cashing in premium bonds is completely different. And to me suggests he wanted the money for ‘something’ that in his mind couldn’t wait until payday (ie addiction of some kind) & that you would disapprove of.

Don’t throw him out yet. Let him do the contrition bit first ie transferring any remaining savings to your name only and selling the hobby stuff. Then decide if your marriage can survive once you’ve found out what it was spent on.

dudsville · 27/05/2023 07:48

I would also be way around someone so clearly able to hide this activity and be so deluded when the time finally came up discuss it. Do be careful. Fwiw, it would also be the end of the relationship for me, that's a massive breach of trust.

DreamCatcherTheThird · 27/05/2023 07:50

My XH spent £25k on something without mentioning it once. Too outing to say what it is was as it was pretty unique. He is extremely bitter post divorce and once quoted something I’d written on here to me so I am cautious and name change a lot!

It was a sign of bigger things, not necessarily bigger amounts of cash, although he had no issue with spending a few grand on things for me to go into the garage and say ‘what is that new thing in there?’.

He was selfish and a closed book/didn’t think that talking to me about these massive things was required.

He is an X for good reason.

Lottie4 · 27/05/2023 07:52

Appreciate many have mentioned divorce, but only you know how you will feel in time.

Other than if he's working this morning, I wouldn't accept anything less than seeing every statement for anything that's in his name, whether it's considered joint or his withing the next couple of hours. Don't give him time to close down anything so you can't see it. I'd want to try and make sense of what sort of withdrawals there are. Might only be small, but if it's from premium bonds, there's a far chance he'll have won (maybe no major amounts) over the last few years - very easy for him to pull up the account online. Also, bank statements and credit cards to see what organisations money has gone out to. If he flatly refuses, then I couldn't give him another chance.

SunnyEgg · 27/05/2023 07:57

That is sad and a shock

Take a look at his bank statements for where it has gone

SoShallINever · 27/05/2023 07:57

I'm so sorry OP, you must feel sick with shock. You mention staying up all night to be safe. Your first priority is the safety of yourself and your children. You can't sit up awake for the rest of your life. If you genuinely think he could hurt you then he needs to leave and get the locks changed. Failing that can you go to stay with family?

Arieslight · 27/05/2023 07:58

Over 18 months I wouldn’t say this is a particularly large amount of money to spend at all. I’ve spent similar in the space of 4 months when I’ve been going through a bad time and wanted material “pick me ups” or shopping to occupy my mind.

The real issue here is the not telling you about it and/or lying to you. Not the amount.

SoShallINever · 27/05/2023 08:01

Arieslight What is a small amount to you is someone else's life savings. Its a huge amount for most people.

Arieslight · 27/05/2023 08:05

The OP has said he is in a high tax bracket and shouldn’t be in a position to have credit cards. They both have large savings. I wouldn’t imagine they are strapped for cash

lljkk · 27/05/2023 08:07

HAVE you moved the money now so that it's as much off-limits as possible, make it impossible for him to get to?

How does he go from nothing wasted to £2500/month in last 18m?
If it's gambling it started smaller than £2500/month & it's been going on far longer than 18m.

I guess in theory if he could be truthful and if he could stop the hemorrhage, you could decide to forgive him. Those are not your reality. He isn't being truthful & we fear he can't stop the spending.

But main thing is move the remaining assets somewhere safe ASAP.
Sorry you're going thru this.

JessandJupiter · 27/05/2023 08:07

I’m so sorry you are going through this op. What a betrayal.

With me he might have a chance if he brought the problem to me in the first place, came fully clean, apologised sincerely, faced up to what he had done, been open to family and friends and set to earning it all back working two jobs.

But if like your dh op, he was being less than open and making it very difficult to know exactly what happened, then I’m afraid that would be the end for me, as all trust would be gone.

lljkk · 27/05/2023 08:09

ps: you want to see the credit card statement. That will be a record of how some things were spent.

RinklyRomaine · 27/05/2023 08:13

My maternal grandad was a degenerate gambler, OP. It's gambling. He has literally thrown away your money on nothing. You can't cure him. No amount of treating him like a child, controlling his finances or watching him will stop him. He will find a way. Now is the time to withdraw every penny. Check all the credit files on your home, the mortgage, everything.

mrsbitaly · 27/05/2023 08:15

OP I'm sorry your going through this it's awful I can't imagine how you're feeling.

It's not something I could forgive it's an awful lot of money and when would he have stopped!

It's your life and only you can decide what you're willing to forgive. I hope you can claw back some of the money and maybe put it in accounts where it can be withdrawn until your children are of age

Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 08:15

Sorry just to clarify:

I do have enough money for my children. But he's literally spent tens of thousands that was also to be theirs

Tell me this please -

If I transfer money to my mum, would that be seen as deliberately hiding assets? How can I protect my money from him?

OP posts:
Muncha · 27/05/2023 08:16

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 08:15

Sorry just to clarify:

I do have enough money for my children. But he's literally spent tens of thousands that was also to be theirs

Tell me this please -

If I transfer money to my mum, would that be seen as deliberately hiding assets? How can I protect my money from him?

Tell him unless he starts being honest it's over. Her knows where it went.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 27/05/2023 08:21

So sorry OP, I hope you have a friend or family member you can turn to for support, even if it's just looking after the DC for a bit to give you some time.

I wonder if by being a high earner he feels the amount of money wasted isn't so bad and easily replaced in time and that's why he is being so dismissive of your feelings? He needs to understand that what he has done, the devastation and betrayal, isn't just about the money, its about his actions, the secrecy and sneaking. He deliberately hid what he was doing because he knew it was wrong, he knew he was disrespecting you, his DC's future and his marriage and can't even call it a moment of madness because he knowingly disrespected you repeatedly over 18 months! So your feelings of being utterly crushed and heartbroken and fucking livid are totally valid, don't allow him to dismiss them Flowers

@WoofWoofBeachLife hobbiests (is that a word?) It is now and I love it Grin

Lougle · 27/05/2023 08:22

This is a real shock for you. Can you take a moment while you gather information? All the bank statement, etc. Talk to him again and say that your marriage is on the line so he has a final chance to be honest about what has happened.

If all else is good in your relationship, could you agree that you deal with all finances so that he can't spend frivolously?

Fishpieandchips · 27/05/2023 08:23

I'm so sorry op. He sounds like a tool.
He's lying.
He deliberately cashed in those bonds for a purpose.
In a way it doesn't matter what the purpose was. He has lied to you deliberately for his own gain.

No decent person would do this to their partner and children.

Isomissmyoldlife · 27/05/2023 08:23

Just to say I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine how devastated you are. Hugs 💐

SkyandSurf · 27/05/2023 08:26

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 08:15

Sorry just to clarify:

I do have enough money for my children. But he's literally spent tens of thousands that was also to be theirs

Tell me this please -

If I transfer money to my mum, would that be seen as deliberately hiding assets? How can I protect my money from him?

I'd have a one off meeting with a solicitor if I was you, just find out what your options are and get some preliminary advice.

Given the circumstances I don't see how any court would think badly of you for keeping some money safe from him. Do you have your own account that he can't access? Time to get one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread