Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, I would go and see a solicitor if I were you, be honest and see what you can do to keep him away from the money you have saved for the kids.
For the people telling the OP not to be hasty or saying it depends what he's spent the money on... just what do men have to do for you to say enough? He could be Brad Pitt dipped in chocolate, absolute perfection. He spent FORTY FIVE THOUSAND pounds behind his wives back. Her money, money for their future, money for their children. It does not matter one bit what it was spent on. If you would even consider staying with a man who is capable of repeatedly saying fuck you each time he withdrew money then you need to look at why clinging on to a man who can do that is the choice you would make.

It's all in the thread. He spent it on tools and hobby equipment

OP, for now just put everything you can into sole accounts, your name only, and ones that he does not know the passwords to.

And personally I wouldn’t send him out for the day, certainly not with his phone and laptop or to a friend where he can use a laptop! Too much leeway to delete / cover up etc.

Put him in charge of childcare!

I would tell him that you are worried about him and if he has some sort of problem then you are there to help him sort it but that can only be the case if you can see what the problem is. So please give you access to all accounts and statements so that you can see. Tell him that your marriage cannot be based on future uncertainty.

If you tell him your marriage is done, come what may, he has no incentive to tell you.

You can still make the decision best for you, once (if) you have the info.

If he then still refuses transparency you can be sure that what he is hiding is even more damaging to your marriage than the cashing in of premium bonds, so that’s that.

Really sorry this has happened OP.

The £800 per month from his wages sounds like he has an ongoing commitment to something? It's all crazy money to me (we're a relatively low income family) but I can understand him frittering away savings by just dipping into the pot frequently - I suppose like someone who just has one biscuit, then two, then the whole pack is gone. But to have spent £800 per month....he must know what that is going on.

💙

Pay your mum for tutoring/advice on your new hobby you are taking up. Or even as a life coach. She is very expensive.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I agree with the posters saying it might not be on anything sinister.

If he sorts out all the money I can understand where it might go on an increased mortgage, higher utility bills, perhaps a holiday if you've been on any in the last 18 months(?). If you live in a big house there's a very good chance your mortgage and utility bills have significantly increased; we had bills of up to £750/month over the winter (big houseshare in London). Add a high mortgage to that and suddenly you need to find £2-3k or more, possibly double what you needed to find before.

He needs to show you bank statements with all the premium bond transfers coming in so you can see where all the money was going to.

He has been incredibly irresponsible to not discuss finances with you, but for me whether this is survivable would depend on whether the money went on things for the family (bills, mortgage etc) or somewhere else.

And in future make sure you check in on all your accounts once a month at least - I do this myself even though it's just me!

It’s gambling or drugs.

Sorry to hear this OP. My ExH had a similar capacity to fritter significant sums away with no visible explanation, but unfortunately he accumulated these as personal debts. He never learnt and he moved from a consolidation loan to remortgaging to save him from bankruptcy (which he somehow achieved without my signature). Ended the marriage after that, and it's a great feeling not to be living with the stress and uncertainty.

He has subsequently spent his half of savings we each took out in a tax efficient form with the express agreement this was for DCs education for his home renovations.

I never did find a big secret 'vice'. I am pretty sure the issue is that because he earns a decent wage he doesn't care to pay attention to his financial position, feels entitled to live very well and never denies himself anything (fancy food, clothes, hobbies, car, things for the home etc) never sets a personal budget or adjusts his lifestyle in response to overspending, uses expensive forms of credit for convenience, which he pays back at the minimum amount, with predictable consequences. If he is using credit cards in this way it quickly mounts up.

@ForTheSakeOfThePenguin

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex (the bit about having to have professional kit for every new hobby he took up is painfully familiar). Its all about having a grandiose view of themselves and a sense of entitlement to whatever they want.

My kids and I also live more comfortably now that he’s gone, despite the household income more than halving. Even when they bring in a decent amount, these guys cost more than they bring in.

He says it’s tools and hobby equipment. A lot of posters (reasonably) don’t believe him. Hence they are saying the OP needs to find out what it was really spent on.

If he’s actually spent nearly £3000 a month on ‘an hobby’ over and above usual expenses, that’s a very expensive hobby (which it might be, only the OP knows).

What a wanker. Transfer your money all over to your mum before you end the marriage. I doubt there's a good reason for this, no one spends that much money in that short a time and has no idea where it's gone. He's lying and I wouldn't be surprised if he's gambling. Even if you took over all the bank accounts he'd take out credit cards and run up debts on them. Don't trust anything he says, keep your money safe and get away from him before he drags you and your kids down.

Or even ‘a hobby’

Firstly you need to protect yourself. Any admission to how much money he has taken without your knowledge must be kept. If you are to divorce this stolen money can be deducted from his equity in your home and may save it from being sold in proceedings. He has put his whole family at risk. I've been in the exact same position. It's a huge sum and if an addiction to drugs, only fans or gambling he needs to leave and get help. At least you've found out before the money starts running out completely and he goes and remortgages the house to get more funds. You have to take a step back and ask yourself, if this was my daughter's husband doing this, what would I advise her to do? Best of luck

Is it possible he has spent it on a couple of very expensive collectors items for his hobby?

I know of someone who spent almost £30k on a bottle of alchohol that was a rare and exciting edition to an extensive collection.

Could he have bought a few items and be lying about their value? You mentioned he has a dealer, I would be asking him about recent purchases and asking him to value the collection to re-coup some of your losses.

Some crypto-currency ‘investment?’ That or (other) gambling would be my bet.
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I don’t think it’s necessarily anything sinister that he is hiding (or more sinister than the over-spending and dishonesty). I can remember a thread a while ago from a woman who had spent £20k of savings, basically by not being honest with her husband about what things cost (so they’d have the boiler repaired for £1k and she’d say it had cost £200 because she was scared of his reaction, or she’d buy a new coat and claim it cost £20 not £100) and over time it added up. Plus spending money can be an addiction in Itself, rather than to fund another addiction- even to the point of buying things and throwing them away.

Not saying this is the case for him, only that there’s not necessarily a further secret to be uncovered. You may have already uncovered the secret.

In your shoes if you want to give your marriage a chance then I would want him to account for every penny and take you through all his accounts. If he genuinely doesn’t know where it’s gone, that’s because it’s gone on a little thing here and there but it should still be trackable (apart from cash, but it’s quite hard to spend that much cash unless it’s on women/drugs). Then make a plan going forward. If you are set on divorce (and that’s totally fair) I’d move all remaining money into your personal account and call a solicitor first thing Tuesday. They can advise on how to protect remaining savings for your children.

I haven't read whole thread but dodgy investments or gambling are the only things that make sense. Divorce.

He's lying to you.

He knows exactly where it's all gone (sex workers, online sex shows, drugs, gambling, crypto, stupid 'can't lose' investments that are too good to be true, etc).

He just doesn't want to tell you.

And is happy to keep lying to you. And your children, essentially, because he's stolen from them as well.

Get him to agree, in writing, that his debts are in his own and leave him.

He’s lied, stole and knows exactly what he has spent it on. He’s actively took that money out and he still can’t be honest with you.

Transfer any shared cash to a dedicated account ie not someone else’s savings or current account. I’d clear out all the cash to that account that only you have access to. If he needs money from it then he asks you for it. Email him to say that you’ve moved the joint assets for safety as he’s proven he can’t be trusted with access to the DCs money. Nothing goes in or out of that account unless it’s more joint savings/DC’s money. It is joint and he does have a legal right to it BUT…you don’t know you’re going to divorce yet, if you do you’re not refusing to give him “his” half your just removing his access to stop him stealing more.

Take up his offer of transferring his wages to you each month. His reaction to having to do that will probably give you a good idea of how remorseful he is. Bet he lasts a couple of months then decides it’s too emasculating.

Change the passwords on money he has access to and if he wants access to it then he can have it while you sit there with him. Do you have cards linked to things like Amazon/ApplePay etc? Change the passwords.

He has stolen £45k!!!

His next step should be complying with whatever you ask him to do. It’s like cheating. He’s royally fucked up so he has to earn your trust back. If you want to see every bank statement going back 18 months, he shows you. Every purchase should be accounted for and he can sell what he can to make up the £45k for your children. If you do divorce then I’d take the £45k into account ie that’s deducted off his “50/50”.

He’s an arse and I’m sorry he’s done this to you.

Yes, that would be divorce territory for me, more specifically the lying about where it went. You don't spend £2k+ per month on "nothing".

If he continued to refuse to tell me, then yeah I would seriously consider divorce.

You’ve had a real shock. I’m so sorry. Take it one step at a time.

Book an appointment with a solicitor, just so you know where you stand re separating your finances, and any potential future separation.

Focus on getting as much stuff on the market as you can in the next week to make some money back. Make sure you are looped in on everything, you cannot take his word for it.

You might need to ask him to move out temporarily - but you want to get stuff on the market and your money protected before you do that as it could trigger another spree.

Once you have the basics sorted (assuming you don’t just want to head for divorce) you are going to need some marriage counselling and an agreement on how money is managed in future. He will need to explain how and why this happened. He may need counselling himself, over spending is an addictive behaviour like gambling, and he’s using it to manage his emotions or something.

Contrary to what PPs say, it’s perfectly possible that he doesn’t know where it all went. Of course it could be drugs or a mistress, but - if he’s become a compulsive spender - he also could have just frittered it on random shit. As a higher rate taxpayer he could easily have convinced himself that he’ll pay it all back.

You’ll had a massive shock so deal with it one step at a time.

Could he have been scammed?
You both need to put your heads together and trace where the money went.
Examine the bank statements together in a problem solving kind of way - in a way to stop the money flowing out.
Don't be too angry until you know the full story.
Set in stone a way of safe guarding the savings from now on.ie two signatures needed to withdraw from an actual bank.

Devise a way for him to replace the funds over a few months.

OP I think if you love one another, your marriage is not necessarily over, but clearly it will take a lot of work. You need to be in charge of all fiscal matters in the future, and the two of you need to go through all his income and expenditure for the last few years. I shudder to think how much was just wasted paying interest on the credit cards. As much as I sympathise with you and the children, I can also imagine his panic as the debts mounted. But remember that loving parents are much more important than money to the family, as long as you're all fed, clothed and have a roof over your heads. I sincerely wish you all the best with this, you must feel so bewildered 💐