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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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AnxiousPixie · 27/05/2023 06:58

Was in almost the exact same situation with my ex op. Expect that want savings but bank loans and debt. I only found out as I found all the statements he had hidden. I was calm like you but in the end I couldn't get over the lies. It felt like such a betrayal and I couldn't spend any more of my life with him. We divorced. So sorry for you op.

wildfirewonder · 27/05/2023 07:01

You need the bank statements and then you can see the pattern of withdrawals and see if it was cash or electronic payments. The Premium Bond money was not removed in cash, it went into another bank account?

Sorry you've had such a shock Flowers

MummyJ36 · 27/05/2023 07:02

He definitely knows where it went. Gambling most likely as there’s not physical evidence to show for it. I know it’s hard but I wouldn’t stop going on until he fesses up. Either way…yeah probably divorce worthy.

PyjamaFan · 27/05/2023 07:02

This is terrible OP, please look after yourself and your children.

Make sure the money is totally safe and secure.

Collect all necessary paperwork.

Change passwords.

Sending best wishes 💐

ohfook · 27/05/2023 07:04

He's still lying to you - of course he knows what he's spent it on. He's just trying to do damage limitation.

IncompleteSenten · 27/05/2023 07:08

He knows where it's gone. You don't get through that amount of money and not know. If you split it equally it's £2500 a month.

He knows where it's gone. He just knows if he tells you you'll walk.

Setyoufree · 27/05/2023 07:10

I do wonder if it's just cumulative living beyond means? You could definitely burn through that much by buying wine that's a bit more expensive, takeaways, meals out, holidays.

Well worth spending proper time on going through the bank statements. You'll be able to see them if he earns less than you thought he did too.

I'm so sorry you're having to do this.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/05/2023 07:10

Do you have someone you trust who can do a forensic account check? Get it all down on a spreadsheet what's been spent and where. He has an addiction. I have BPD and one of the symptoms is irrational and impulsive spending. I'm so sorry this has happened, the trust will be completely gone. I would also check all your credit files for both of you so there are no more surprises. You will be able to see any other bank accounts and credit card account, loans on there. The hobby is no more. Has he been spending to keep up with fellow hobbiests (is that a word?)
You need to put yourself first and look after yourself, you need sleep. Definitely confide in close family or a friend who won't judge and can support you. Xx 💐

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/05/2023 07:14

@ASeagullNamedDog the post from @Setyoufree is very possible, if he's had purchases to make him feel good such as treats, these can massively add up. Aftershaves, the odd bit of expensive clothing, his tools and hobby, extra fuel in the car. Things for the car. Has he surprised you with things and randomly come home with things for the house? Xx

tanstaafl · 27/05/2023 07:18

Failed investment?
Crypto springs to mind.

Though I suppose there’d be something left?

prettygreenteacup · 27/05/2023 07:19

My husband did this, 30k of gambling debts on our family savings and credit cards over a year in secret.

He is now my ex-husband. The relief is immense to no longer be married to such a financial liability.

Get out, ASAP. Someone who can so flippantly spend this much/betray you this way/not give a toss about your family finances is not going to change. And whilst you're married you are going to take the blows from his shit behaviour. Free yourself.

KTSl1964 · 27/05/2023 07:20

What do you mean op when you said “handed over to his dealer to sell” -
He is lying to you.
He knew what he was doing - he’s addicted to spending maybe- buying things to make him feel better. I’d ask to look at his phone too -
I hope you have family support.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/05/2023 07:23

Oh my lord!! I’m so sorry for you. What a betrayal and it seems he still isn’t telling the truth.

Are you sure there’s no gambling or drugs involved. That seems like an awful lot of money to have missing with nothing to show for it.

Is his job linked to financial sector? Or does he have control over large amount of money at work? Could he have taken money and be trying to pay it back from personal funds?

Is he away a lot for work?

personally this would be a marriage ended for me. I can’t imagine being able to move forward from it unless he actuall properly comes clean and tells you where it has gone.

whatever happens take care of yourself. If I were you I’d not mention ending the marriage yet and go get some legal advice on the quiet. Make sure you have copies of financial statements etc before proceeding with anything.

Cheekyfuckerseverywhere · 27/05/2023 07:23

Is the hobby shooting?

Dh shot, it’s not hard to burn through money doing that but he’d have to be out all weekend to burn through that much.

mauvish · 27/05/2023 07:24

Bear in mind that this may, in the worst case scenario, be the tip of the iceberg.

He owes 7k on a credit card. Now what about any other cards? Bank loans? Has he increased your mortgage or secured any extra debt against the house? Is either of you self employed and if so, has he taken out loans in the name of the business?

There's going to be a lot of digging to do, I'm afraid, before you can be sure that you know the full amount you're dealing with - and that's before you know what it's gone on (I'd guess gambling because it sounds a terribly familiar story).

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and the children, OP. Is there anyone who can have the children today so that you can talk more with your H and catch up on some sleep?

JandalsAlways · 27/05/2023 07:25

PickNewName · 26/05/2023 22:43

He knows where it’s gone.
Its either gambling or a huge drug habit!

Could you ever trust him again? If not, then divorce seems inevitable.

This. He knows where it's gone

Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 07:25

Oh man that’s terrible. I’m sorry. Yes it is divorce territory, but I’ve seen stories like this before and the women stay. They always say they will hand their salary over to the woman so they can monitor things, but you’re not his mum. He clearly has an issue and needs some professional help. I’d tell him he either comes clean on what’s he’s spent it on, or it’s over and no coming back. Can he show you his bank statements? Did he move the premium bond money direct into his own account? Hopefully via statements you can get an idea what the moneys been spent on

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:26

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/05/2023 07:14

@ASeagullNamedDog the post from @Setyoufree is very possible, if he's had purchases to make him feel good such as treats, these can massively add up. Aftershaves, the odd bit of expensive clothing, his tools and hobby, extra fuel in the car. Things for the car. Has he surprised you with things and randomly come home with things for the house? Xx

I'm starting to think this too. Everyone can love slightly beyond their means. If he's in the highest tax band he's probably used to spending a lot of money, luxury treats, expensive hobby, big house. Just generally outliving his means

In a way I could see how the higher the salary, the higher the overspend. For example if you're used to earning £7k a month £9k isn't a massive jump. He'd be overspending by 20-25%

I'm not saying it's not a phenomenonal amount of money as dp and I are both basic rate tax payers. I could easily spend 20% over my salary every month on "stuff" if I wasn't being careful

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:28

Cheekyfuckerseverywhere · 27/05/2023 07:23

Is the hobby shooting?

Dh shot, it’s not hard to burn through money doing that but he’d have to be out all weekend to burn through that much.

^*He has an expensive hobby. I haven't been to bed because I've had thoughts of husbands murdering their wives and children while they sleep

I've told him the items are to be sold today. Handed over to his dealer to sell them for him. I don't want them in my house while he's clearly lost his mind*^

Sounds like it to me.......

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/05/2023 07:29

This is awful - it must have knocked you sick with shock.

I agree with many here that it's gambling. My MIL blew their family's inheritance (Tens of thousands of pounds, and this was 50 years ago - a huge sum) and it only came to light by accident in a similar way to yours.

When FIL asked what she'd done with it she said 'We've been living off it." All lies - they lived very frugally - she'd gambled the lot away in less than three years. (It was the only time I'd ever seen them argue - it took a lot for him to get over it, The money had come from his spinster sister. The betrayal was huge.

I'm so sorry - thank God you discovered this though before you'd lost your home. Actually check he hasn't doe anything else stupid, like a re-mortgage.

Figgygal · 27/05/2023 07:30

Yes i could never trust him again op
That's a phenomenal amount of money to not know where it went

orangegato · 27/05/2023 07:34

The only way is divorce. Do not be financially tied to this man, he’ll fuck you over again. Run, don’t walk.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/05/2023 07:35

The money has been spent on something, he just hasn't come clean yet. You need to try and press him on this to get everything out in the open. I really feel for you. What a terrible shock.

Weallgottachangesometime · 27/05/2023 07:35

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:28

^*He has an expensive hobby. I haven't been to bed because I've had thoughts of husbands murdering their wives and children while they sleep

I've told him the items are to be sold today. Handed over to his dealer to sell them for him. I don't want them in my house while he's clearly lost his mind*^

Sounds like it to me.......

Show quote history

How scary! Op if this is the case please prioritise your safety. They need to be gone today or maybe. You should stay elsewhere for a few days until the initial shock has passed. If you’re thinking about it at night then it’s best to act on that worry. If you haven’t got anywhere else to stay can someone come stay with you at your home?

Daleksatemyshed · 27/05/2023 07:37

That's a huge sum in 18 months Op, I'm afraid that would kill any trust for me. I'd tell him he either tells me where it went and why or I'd divorce him