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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 19:18

BlastedPimples · 27/05/2023 19:13

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain if he has spent stupid money on guns then the transactions won't be hard for the op to find and the guns can be returned.

Yes, if you RTT what the money's been spent on is what she's trying to find out.

InsomniacVampire · 27/05/2023 19:18

I wonder if he has not signed up to something like Lighthouse (anyone seen that documentary?), people who did that and left are often so ashamed they can't even face to tell anyone about how stupid and manipulated they have been. The main guy who was in that documentary sold his blooming house to pay to be a part of the scheme.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-65175712
Not that I justify, but that would explain why he is not upfront about it.

Paul Waugh

A Very British Cult: Inside Lighthouse, the life coaching cult that takes over lives

Lighthouse separates people from loved ones and harasses critics, an 18-month BBC investigation finds.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-65175712

Mikimoto · 27/05/2023 19:24

BlastedPimples · 27/05/2023 19:14

Except he's being really cagey.

That's why we call him Nicholas.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 27/05/2023 19:29

To address the gambling thing: this man is rarely away from me. We both WFH together, we have a toddler and are both in bed for 22:30 every single night

A while back I was next to a young man on the train. In a 12 min journey, he played poker (couple of wins but dropping more than £2K judging by his balance). This was in parallel with other online activities.

It's astonishing what people can spend/do online while sitting somewhere.

Mikimoto · 27/05/2023 19:31

If he's a high earner, I'd say dodgy investments....but there MUST be a paper trail? Just lay all the credit card & account statements out!
Either there'll be purchases or constant massive cash withdrawals.

JosephFrancis · 27/05/2023 19:32

My sister's husband took 40k out of their savings to invest in the stock market and cryptocurrencies without telling her. And lost almost all of it: Maybe it's that? Loads of people think they're gonna make millions and lose it all.

SunnyEgg · 27/05/2023 19:32

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 27/05/2023 19:29

To address the gambling thing: this man is rarely away from me. We both WFH together, we have a toddler and are both in bed for 22:30 every single night

A while back I was next to a young man on the train. In a 12 min journey, he played poker (couple of wins but dropping more than £2K judging by his balance). This was in parallel with other online activities.

It's astonishing what people can spend/do online while sitting somewhere.

Agree. Of course someone can gamble quickly

On your phone, it wouldn’t take long

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/05/2023 19:35

What is he giving you as reasons for his spending when you're bringing up transactions you find.. how is he justifying it?

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 27/05/2023 19:39

Has he been playing the stock market online? Etoro as an example? Or lost it in the cryptocurrency?
I'm sorry, it's such a betrayal when money disappears unaccounted for.

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 19:46

Where is the £45k of stuff? The £5k a few weeks ago from his mum?
He knows, tell him he answers or gets out.

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/05/2023 19:48

@ASeagullNamedDog I'm lost by the following:

You and DH operate separate accounts, and have your own independent savings. No joint finances?

He spent £45k - £35k from premium bonds in his name (but you thought were for the DC) and £10k of his salary, that you didn't realise?

Where should the £10k of his salary have been going, in order that you know it has been frittered?

Then you found a C Card with another £7k of debt. And he's spent £5k he got from his parents, without telling you.

So, the £45k, plus the £7k, plus the £5k comes to £57k. And he has reimbursed this with £60k from his current account, and then sold £17k of his belongings on top?

Why not use his current account in the first place? Why is he replacing £57k spent, with £77k?

3AndStopping · 27/05/2023 19:56

Yeah I don’t understand if his offering you all in his account and that’s 60k why are you leaving him? Surely his repaying the debt and whilst I wouldn’t like the secrecy you’re seriously gonna leave your otherwise good husband and the father of your kids over… money. Which he had paid back. Am I lost?

roses2 · 27/05/2023 19:59

If you can get £17k by selling his stuff second hand that sounds plausible it cost £45k new. When you look up the new cost of these items do the numbers add up?

OKwhatsNext · 27/05/2023 19:59

I'm also thinking you need to take a deep breath (difficult I fully appreciate) and get to the bottom of it before making a knee jerk reaction to leave him. He has offered to cover the money lost. But he really does need to explain (and prove?) where the money has gone.

CosmosQueen · 27/05/2023 20:00

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/05/2023 19:48

@ASeagullNamedDog I'm lost by the following:

You and DH operate separate accounts, and have your own independent savings. No joint finances?

He spent £45k - £35k from premium bonds in his name (but you thought were for the DC) and £10k of his salary, that you didn't realise?

Where should the £10k of his salary have been going, in order that you know it has been frittered?

Then you found a C Card with another £7k of debt. And he's spent £5k he got from his parents, without telling you.

So, the £45k, plus the £7k, plus the £5k comes to £57k. And he has reimbursed this with £60k from his current account, and then sold £17k of his belongings on top?

Why not use his current account in the first place? Why is he replacing £57k spent, with £77k?

That’s what doesn’t make sense to me unless he viewed it as ‘borrowing’ the money from the Premium Bonds etc and that he could repay it without OP noticing. In which case it sounds like gambling or cryptocurrency to me. Why he didn’t just use his own money I don’t know.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/05/2023 20:01

3AndStopping · 27/05/2023 19:56

Yeah I don’t understand if his offering you all in his account and that’s 60k why are you leaving him? Surely his repaying the debt and whilst I wouldn’t like the secrecy you’re seriously gonna leave your otherwise good husband and the father of your kids over… money. Which he had paid back. Am I lost?

It's the lying, I reckon. She has clearly made up her mind, which is why I am not sure why he's selling all the stuff. It'll just be part of the divorce settlement anyway. And he already sent 60k, which could repay the bonds.

Manth0914 · 27/05/2023 20:03

There has to be something or someone else?

AllAboutBread · 27/05/2023 20:07

He knows where it's gone. You can't move past this without knowing

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/05/2023 20:10

But he's more than replaced the savings money he's used. From his current account.

So, why has he then sold £17k of his stuff as well?

Yes, he lied. But he's replaced the money. So it's still odd that he didn't just use his current account in the first place, and odd that he's "repaid" £20k more than he spent.

MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 20:12

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/05/2023 20:10

But he's more than replaced the savings money he's used. From his current account.

So, why has he then sold £17k of his stuff as well?

Yes, he lied. But he's replaced the money. So it's still odd that he didn't just use his current account in the first place, and odd that he's "repaid" £20k more than he spent.

His money? They're married.

If my husband spent 50k on shit without telling me I'd be divorcing him and it wouldn't matter which account the money had come from.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 20:15

3AndStopping · 27/05/2023 19:56

Yeah I don’t understand if his offering you all in his account and that’s 60k why are you leaving him? Surely his repaying the debt and whilst I wouldn’t like the secrecy you’re seriously gonna leave your otherwise good husband and the father of your kids over… money. Which he had paid back. Am I lost?

Lying, deceit...

BlastedPimples · 27/05/2023 20:16

Yes. Lying, deceit, betrayal. He'll do it again. What else is he lying about? The fact he's not forthcoming even now he's been found out speaks volumes.

BonnieBobbin · 27/05/2023 20:33

roses2 · 27/05/2023 19:59

If you can get £17k by selling his stuff second hand that sounds plausible it cost £45k new. When you look up the new cost of these items do the numbers add up?

Yy especially since OP seems to be saying he's managed to sell it all in one day - at the weekend - on a bank holiday (if they're in the UK). If you can raise £17k under those very restricted circumstances then you'd definitely have raised more if you'd put time and effort into getting the best prices possible.

burnoutbabe · 27/05/2023 20:35

I can't imagine why looking at the bsck statements does not show the situation very wuickly

Money from premium bonds gos in, what are the large payments out each month? If cash you are stuck (and it's dodgy) but if it's transfers you can ask him where that is going (or it's credit card payments which you can then look at). Got to be going out one way or another, this shouldn't be hard to work out!

Though with £60k in savings maybe it's just all in that bank account and not actually spent?

GiveupHQ · 27/05/2023 20:37

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/05/2023 20:10

But he's more than replaced the savings money he's used. From his current account.

So, why has he then sold £17k of his stuff as well?

Yes, he lied. But he's replaced the money. So it's still odd that he didn't just use his current account in the first place, and odd that he's "repaid" £20k more than he spent.

It’s all very odd

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