Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP, you need to sleep. You can't deal with the bank statements when you're seeing double. Have you got a solid rubber door chock that you can use to stop him from coming in whilst you sleep? And have the kids in with you.

I think a wife would know if he had an expensive shooting, sailing, classic car hobby though? Especially as she says he’s mostly there.

You can gamble from home no bother these days.

I doubt all the kit for hobbies will add up to £45k.

I really hope you get to the bottom of this for your own peace of mind, op. He can't have just frittered it away on this and that.

Did you say you run a business together? First thing Tuesday get hold of an accountant to check the books.

£5,000 from parents totally gone in three weeks on top of savings and an extra £800 from wages??? What the actual fuck?

I'm so sorry you are going through this

I thought this too. It is an addiction which can be very hard to come back from. Has he had any unexplained injuries as this can be part of it too? I know of someone who has lost everything (home, family, job) & is up to their eyeballs in debt - easy to rip through very large amounts of money.

It's a betrayal yes, but if no evidence of anything untoward, is it divorce worthy?? I personally don't think so. He needs help.

If his hobby is shooting, as the OP's posts seem to suggest, have a look at the prices of some of these.

https://www.thefield.co.uk/shooting/most-expensive-guns-26087

Nope. Mysterious cash withdrawals hiding the real spends, surely.

seems like he's bending over backwards to be as compliant and transparent as possible OP, but still not able to tell you what the money went on, as pps have said I cant help wondering if there's some kind of problem he cant tell you about?
What he's done is extremely shocking and detrimental but maybe there is also something he needs help with?

I'd be thinking gambling or sex. A drug habit that expensive would be noticeable. What an utter arsehole and yes the treating me like I was stupid saying he doesn't know what he spent it on would incense me too.

Does he game? I knew a man who spent over £40k on a mobile phone game. His partner thought he had been putting money into savings towards a deposit for a home together, but he'd spent the lot plus put another £20k on credit cards. It was a serious addiction.

Looks like all the apologists have arrived claiming that the poor man just needs help and understanding for the fact that he's helplessly blown 45k of money meant for their children while leaving his own untouched.

Is he good with clearing his history from devices or will something show up if you looked?

Marginal rates of tax for a higher-rate taxpayer make it difficult to dig yourself out of a hole without changing your lifestyle.
People have asked why he sold premium bonds rather than taking the money out of his savings account. Two reasons; firstly, there is no guaranteed return from PBs and more importantly, if they are replaced later, unless @ASeagullNamedDog knew the serial numbers, nobody else would be any the wiser.
In terms of people earning the money back, I can remember a city trader that I knew spending £10k on cocaine to have the energy to do the trades that led to a £3k bonus.
For those with OHs who invest in collectible things, the market has been very buoyant for cars and motorcycles (my personal vice). This has been driven by easy access to pension funds and very low interest rates. With interest rates returning to 'normal' a lot of those 'investments' will now be underwater.
Following a recent health scare, I am now looking to reduce my collection of shiny toys, the completed bikes could be sold easily by the missus, but there are £20k of parts that she might easily sell for scrap because she doesn't know what they are.
OP, you are naturally disappointed (understatement) but the money that went in 18 months could be replaced in 3 or 4 years, I would urge you not to make any premature decisions until you have your ducks in a row.

The thing I don't understand is why he can't sit down and highlight what is he spending the money on.
I can easily fritter 800 dollars ( with dc's help) but at the end of the month I can see where it has been spent, Starbucks, books, clothes, concert tickets, Lego, fancy food. For DH it would be car stuff most likely.
But unless you are spending cash there is a transaction trail for everything.

When you add up all the card transactions are there large gaps?

Jesus OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hand holding x

He may have spent it on sex workers. Most guys tend to visit them in the middle of the day and that can rack up quite an amount if he did it frequently.

PS: Forgot to add the reason I think it is down to visiting prostitutes is that this happened to a friend. Her DH had a fairly high salary but was in debt. He spent hundreds per week. You genuinely would have never guessed it about him, as he came across so bland and pedestrian.

None of this makes sense. You don't spend £2.5k per month at screw fix or Ebay without huge amounts of constant parcels. Why has he volunteered to go to the doctor?

I think someone mentioned you both run your own business, is there anyway your business isn't doing as well and he's covering for this?

Taking money from premium bonds (as a previous person mentioned) wouldn't be obvious and repayment made later ? No interest lost unlike savings.

Just an idea.

So sorry to read of your problems,it seems quite out of character for him and a massive betrayal to you and your children.

Wow what an absolute betrayal! If he can do this he is capable of anything ! He has some sort of problem for sure, be it call girls , gambling could be done on his phone sat next to you.

I'd have him gone never to return , you could never trust him again and it's worrying that you say your thinking of husbands killing their wives , shows just how shocked and how little you know him op. Hope your ok

I imagine it was absolutely terrifying for him to tell you the truth

Unfortunately he hasn't told OP the truth, and "getting to the bottom of it" is exactly what she's trying to do with no help from him - in fact it's got worse as he's now also spent MIL's gift of £5k which OP knew nothing about

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain if he has spent stupid money on guns then the transactions won't be hard for the op to find and the guns can be returned.

Except he's being really cagey.

Yes I think it’s going to be a rough week for you, trawling through bank statements. You will find the answers there, he must have left a trail or have an attic full of parcels.
Have you been eating out, getting takeaways, buying expensive gifts an awful lot?

I hope you will be ok.