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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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6
MayThe4th · 28/05/2023 08:57

I think it’s surprisingly easy to spend £45k on a hobby.

I’m a musician. I could spend £45k in eighteen months without blinking. I haven’t, but I could.

But none of this actually makes sense when you look at the fact that he’s given back far more than he’s spent.

And the drama around the OP expecting to kill her is just bizarre when there’s been no mention of violence etc. Someone can be a stupid lying idiot, that doesn’t make them a potential murderer.

OP is rightly annoyed about the £45k, she needs to calm down about the dramatic stuff. I also suspect she won’t be back.

TheShellBeach · 28/05/2023 10:03

Mmhmmn · 28/05/2023 04:44

There must be something big within that amount that's somehow been forgotten. Car or car payments?

Show quote history

Not sure I could forget spending forty five grand.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/05/2023 10:18

@MayThe4th the OP was scared about the guns he had in the house.

I appreciate that people can spend £45,000 on a hobby, but you'd have something to show for it or explain it. Also, it looks as though he spent the money in dribs and drabs each month, not on one or two big purchases. She's just found out he spent £5k that his parents sent as a gift 3 weeks ago. If I spent £5k in 3 weeks I'd know what I spent it on. He cant have forgotten already.

raincamepouringdown · 28/05/2023 10:23

Exactly ... £5k gone and the month isn't even over yet. But he claims to not know where he spent it? Liar!

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 10:42

Op,

I appreciate this is horrific, but you will survive this.

The fact you have the pure cop on to realise that this IS marriage ending is a relief to read.

Thank goodness you are not silly enough to take notice of posts wondering why this is marriage ending when he has returned some money.🙄

Women with zero self worth offer themselves up as life project managers to men likes these, 🙄.

A complete waste of their future.

HE has destroyed trust and it will NEVER return.

He stole from his children.

There is never any coming back from that.

When you value who you are and your future, it IS completely marriage ending.

People think love is endless, my arse.

Women stay with men likes these through fear and a lack of self worth, that's all.

He won't leave the house?

Tell family and friends the truth, 100% of it.

He has stolen 50k from his children for whatever and refuses to tell you what for.

The marriage is over because you have absolutely NO idea who you were married to.

Wishing you strength.

HairyKitty · 28/05/2023 10:45

There’s no way anyone spends £5k in the past month but doesn’t know what on.
If you want to stay with him I think it needs an ultimatum, come clean about what it’s been spent on or it’s over.

IntoDeepBlueSea · 28/05/2023 11:31

The reason this man is over-replacing the funds is because he is desperately hoping that if he gives the money back, and then some, @ASeagullNamedDog will stop looking/ asking questions. Which is clearly not the case.

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 12:19

*From my experience, liars like this act terribly sorry and make all kinds of big promises to fix things at the time when they are caught (which they actually won't live up to), while still trying to act as innocent as possible.

Once it becomes clear that you want the whole truth and genuine reparations and it's going to take a lot of hard work on their part, they become resistant, then aggrieved and self-righteous, then start trying to shift blame onto you. They are weak and selfish and they only really care about themselves.*

@CheekyHobson absolutely nails it - watch out for all this from him OP. It would be divorce for me, I couldn't look at my children and know what he's done and stay with him.

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 12:24

@bevelino the OP said it was Premium Bonds NOT a joint account. Other posters assumed that before she clarified.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 28/05/2023 13:04

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/05/2023 10:18

@MayThe4th the OP was scared about the guns he had in the house.

I appreciate that people can spend £45,000 on a hobby, but you'd have something to show for it or explain it. Also, it looks as though he spent the money in dribs and drabs each month, not on one or two big purchases. She's just found out he spent £5k that his parents sent as a gift 3 weeks ago. If I spent £5k in 3 weeks I'd know what I spent it on. He cant have forgotten already.

To be utterly clear: several posters, including me, suspect firearms and have given advice on that basis. The OP has wisely neither confirmed nor denied this because confirmation would be very outing and denial would also leak information by ruling shooting out. The various types of shooting are very niche sports in which everyone knows everyone else sooner or later.

It could just as easily be £17k worth of golf clubs and OP was worried about being beaten to death with a number five iron.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 13:38

It could just as easily be £17k worth of golf clubs and OP was worried about being beaten to death with a number five iron

No golfer I've ever met would risk their precious clubs like that.

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 13:44

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/05/2023 09:01

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, I would go and see a solicitor if I were you, be honest and see what you can do to keep him away from the money you have saved for the kids.
For the people telling the OP not to be hasty or saying it depends what he's spent the money on... just what do men have to do for you to say enough? He could be Brad Pitt dipped in chocolate, absolute perfection. He spent FORTY FIVE THOUSAND pounds behind his wives back. Her money, money for their future, money for their children. It does not matter one bit what it was spent on. If you would even consider staying with a man who is capable of repeatedly saying fuck you each time he withdrew money then you need to look at why clinging on to a man who can do that is the choice you would make.

Absolutely!

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 13:52

@Arieslight you could spend £45K in 4 months? Fucking hell. That's insane shopping addiction.

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 14:15

Premium bonds… that amount and you never enquired whether any had won in 2 years?!

I have a fraction of that amount and I’m disappointed if 4 months go by and no win

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:22

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 14:15

Premium bonds… that amount and you never enquired whether any had won in 2 years?!

I have a fraction of that amount and I’m disappointed if 4 months go by and no win

Any chance you could live up to your name and GiveUp? becasue you don't appear to have anything to contribute. Or put it another way, you don't appear to have anything positive to contribute.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:24

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 13:52

@Arieslight you could spend £45K in 4 months? Fucking hell. That's insane shopping addiction.

£ 45k could be spent in one trip to a car showroom.

CanadianJohn · 28/05/2023 14:45

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:24

£ 45k could be spent in one trip to a car showroom.

Show quote history

True, but then you'd have a big shiny thingy with four wheels in your driveway.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 28/05/2023 14:49

@HairyKitty There’s no way anyone spends £5k in the past month but doesn’t know what on

My daughter spent £3K of her savings plus her monthly wage in one weekend on utter shit and had nothing to show for it, so yes, as in utter fucking belief as I was, I'm sure it can certainly be done in one month.

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 28/05/2023 14:50

*disbelief

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 14:53

CanadianJohn · 28/05/2023 14:45

True, but then you'd have a big shiny thingy with four wheels in your driveway.

Show quote history

Tru dat. Unless the £ 800 a month is garage hire elsewhere?

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 14:57

MsBattersea · 27/05/2023 15:08

Why are you married to such a disrespectful waster? The number of women who stay with men like this is really disturbing.

Ffs

She's just found out and has already posted an update that she thinks her marriage is over,

What a shitty comment

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/05/2023 15:06

Why are you married to such a disrespectful waster? The number of women who stay with men like this is really disturbing

FFS, she's just found out a day ago and you're slagging her off for her relationship choices?

MenoRageisReal · 28/05/2023 15:19

lljkk · 27/05/2023 21:12

I want to know how they sold £17k of items between ...10am & 5pm (?) today.

She said items have gone to a dealer (presumably specialist in the "hobby") and WILL come in around 17k - so a predicted price from sales to be arranged I would think. Doesn't necessarily mean the items have actually been sold in one day.

GiveupHQ · 28/05/2023 15:25

IWantToDoIt2 · 27/05/2023 21:58

I want to know how they sold £17k of items between ...10am & 5pm (?) today.

I think there was mention of a dealer or broker relating to his hobby.

My friends DF has a very specific hobby, he’s one of a very small handful of collectors in the UK. He once told me he set himself a budget of £10k each year, but he never stuck to it, he once spent £10k in January alone. He could quite easily pick up the phone and another collector would snap his hand off immediately.

What was your response out of interest? @IWantToDoIt2

lightand · 28/05/2023 15:31

Crypto.
Easy to lose these kinds of figures in a large amount and hundreds per month as well.
Have nothing to show for it as there is nothing. And dont want partner to know.
Can do it all from home.