NC for this and NRTFT just OPs updates.
this was me a few years ago. My DH ran up over £60k worth of debt and 10s of 1000s of money seemed to vanish into thin air. I only found out by accident after finding a bank letter that didn’t make sense. With out going into detail the hardest part was in the end it was my credit that was effected not his.
At the time I was a SAHM, if I needed money he’d just transfer me some so I never saw his bank account. I’d been the original high earner who always dealt with the finances and life admin but when we had children I didn’t want to deal with that so he took over. My mistake I should have known he’d be crap at it. All our children were under 6 and I had a baby at the time.
When it happened I enlisted a friends help, this was a big wake up call as I don’t share problems with people I like to very much keep what goes on in our home private. So the fact I’d brought someone in was a big deal, he was also rightfully embarrassed. Our friend sat him down and eventually the full extent of the debt came out.
I also made him speak to his parents as I knew they would make him face up to things. They were great, offered to help with costs for the dcs so DCs didn’t miss out of things while we figured things out. They also paid for him to start seeing a therapist straight away.
he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, well no wonder lying to his wife for years. To be honest, I had very little sympathy for him at this point.
To this day I could not tell you what all that money went on, certainly not us or our home. No secret drinking, drugs, sex workers, other woman etc…
When it happened, after I blew up, which I didn’t don straight away, it was only after getting no answers I lost it, I stopped caring I told him I didn’t care what he had to do but he had to fix it without effecting me or our DCs.
In the end the debt was paid fairly quickly, his parent gave him £20k which will come out of his inheritance, this was only on the ok of his siblings. He had a number of unique collectibles to sell, he’s really good at finding things at car boots and charity shops that are worth money. I know he wasn’t buying the collectibles online as I was usually with him when he’d find them. He also cashed in his company shares and bonds. We were left with £10k left which he cleared after his annual bonus came through.
A couple of years later he was also diagnosed with ADHD, debt and ignoring problems are symptoms of this.
For a long time I managed everything, he was not allowed to complain and I questioned absolutely everything he did.
We are still together and are in good place, all money matters have to be discussed, I have full access to everything. No credit cards, we have one PL I agreed to, taken out to cover something we needed at the time and one finance plan on my iPad.
It still guts me how much money was wasted, we could have set our DCs up with decent uni funds and more, but I try not to dwell on it.
To my DHs credit he has really stepped up and has done his best to make up for everything, he’s was never particularly ambitious but has thrown himself into work, getting promotions, constantly upping his salary to ensure we have a nest egg in the future (all of which I control obviously).
I admit if we hadn’t had children I’d have walked out there and then. I also weighed up what would happen if we’d split, he had a good supportive family who would rally around him, I didn’t. He had a good job, I didn’t, I desperately wanted to be home in my children’s early years, if I’d have left I’d have been a single mum, no job no money and would have had to manage everything on my own, something I’d done my entire life with no supportive family, I didn’t want to start over again, so I made it work and I’m happy I did.
Im not sure what’s in store for you op, but good luck x