Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

[ASeagullNamedDog]

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

@Kennykenkencat

Within a few days I had reduced our outgoings by £2000 per month.

how so? That’s not being bad with money. That being catastrophic with money

It's £45K he knows where the vast majority of it has gone! Ok a few thousand can disappear on food and stuff over a year if you are not careful things do add up, but not that amount. It doesn't matter if he returns it he needs to tell you what he has done with it.

For your marriage to survive he would have had to admit to everything almost immediately, including full disclosure on where the money has gone.

The fact that he hasn't - yeah you are right to think it is done.

I am so sorry, but it's the very best thing for you and the children.

Have you seen his bank and credit card statements? Do they throw light on what has been happening?

In case this hasn't already been said (and just quoting one of the many on the same lines) because he wants to keep his own pot of money - likely to send it the same way as the savings.

So he would have just blown his own money and you’d be none the wiser

but he chose to use joint money

and then when you find out, he transfer the £60k to you anyway without hesitation

odd 🤔

Yes but he’s transferred it all anyway. Without argument

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

I would love to know what your £15k big purchase is!

I plan to go through the bank statements shortly

“shortly”? After starting a Mumsnet thread and updating multiple time with detailed posts 🤷‍♀️

* I haven't been to bed because I've had thoughts of husbands murdering their wives and children while they sleep*

come again?

So he’s gone from ideal perfect husband to one with spending tens of thousands secretly and you worrying about him murdering you and your children during the night??

@GiveupHQ maybe go away. You’re very unhelpful

Agreed. Shock and despair does dreadful things to people. Belittling the OP is possibly the least helpful comment on this thread.

but the op in post 2 says she hasn’t gone to bed because she’s thinking about husbands murdering families in the night

and that’s just been glossed over

this doesn’t strike you as a slightly fucking concerning worry to have about someone who you have known and loved for years who you’ve uncovered a financial issue rather than anything remotely indicating murder plus tendencies

Men can turn violent when they realise that the game is up. Remember that school headmistress whose husband shot her and their daughter?

@GiveupHQ

So you've never heard of a man turning on his family when cornered? Crime history is full of it. And a lot of times it will be someone who you wouldn't have ever thought was capable of it.

OP has been totally blindsided by her husband's deception, she never thought he would do something of that sort. If it were me I couldn't help thinking that I clearly don't know this person as I had thought, and who knows what else they may be willing to do?

Ok then I’ll bow out

because at no point would it have ver crossed my mind for a nano second that my ex husband was going to murder me and the children whilst we slept when I found out he had told me multiple lies over over a year.

I think we can assume that OP knows her husband rather better than you do. Her fear might be unfounded but for some reason it has occurred to her, and IMO it's pretty poor form to imply that just because YOU wouldn't think your husband's capable of killing his family then another woman shouldn't think so either.

Bye bye.

Quite

Didn't cross my mind, either. But he did. Not when I found out, but just before I left. These are the two most critical trigger points (there are others).

You need to get on google and look at some news headlines…it’s not that unheard of

Of course he knows what he spent the money on

I think you have to ask him straight: did it go on gambling, class A drugs, or prostitutes? Or what combo of those 3?

I’m so sorry but I have seen so many women have absolutely no idea that their partners were drug addicts until something like this happened. This is gambling or drugs.

Jane Monckton Smith's In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder might help you understand.