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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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6
pontipinemum · 27/05/2023 11:55

WOW! That is so much money

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/05/2023 11:56

It's his honesty that is the issue, I think.

For me - if it was something like gambling (or possibly even drugs) and he admitted the problem and was willing to get help then I may be supportive.

But there is no way someone can spend £45k and not know where it's gone. And even doing this while he has £60k in his own savings is non-sensical . It's not that he's actually put the money from your joint account into his own ? Possibly if he was planning to leave ? But again his reaction then doesn't make sense .

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:58

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2023 11:53

I've seen the accounts ...

So is there any kind of pattern which would suggest where the money's gone?

As PPs have said, don't forget the Experian check to identify whatever's in his name (and hope to god he hasn't somehow managed to put things in yours)

Indeed.

Mine had even taken out credit cards in my name and used them to pay for hotels and fine dining with affair partners...

ThankmelaterOkay · 27/05/2023 11:58

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:47

In which case he world be able to explain where 45,000 went, no the stupid teenagery answer of "I dunno" 😔#

Well, exactly. I was just pointing out to one poster that you don't have to be buying art or diamonds to spend one hell of a lot of money on a hobby. A golfer - a mainstream and common hobby - who's serious about their sport could spend thousands on a decent set of clubs.

probably a MAMIL.

Bikes can cost £5-10k

Pixiedust1234 · 27/05/2023 11:59

I'm confused OP.

Why did he use joint/childrens savings if he has his own savings account?

Because that is a whole other level of selfish, disrespectful behaviour. A real "fuck you"

holliebo · 27/05/2023 12:01

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:47

In which case he world be able to explain where 45,000 went, no the stupid teenagery answer of "I dunno" 😔#

Well, exactly. I was just pointing out to one poster that you don't have to be buying art or diamonds to spend one hell of a lot of money on a hobby. A golfer - a mainstream and common hobby - who's serious about their sport could spend thousands on a decent set of clubs.

From some of OPs responses it seems he's into shooting....no idea how much this costs but give then circles and lifestyle I don't imagine it'll be cheap

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 12:03

Bloody Hell! You must be reeling! It'd be verging on divorce material for me. What's his response? Has he hung his head in shame? Has he offered a proper explanation. Frittered away that amount doesn't sound right to me.

I would actually say simply l don't believe you. It's so far fetched. It's down to him to prove to you how he's spent the money. If he's evasive that's it over.
Secondly I'd be asking 'What's your plan?'. I'd expect that to come from him, not him agree to something I've suggested.

But mostly I'd base my decision on is your marriage worth saving? How good did you believe it was? Do you love him?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:04

holliebo · 27/05/2023 12:01

From some of OPs responses it seems he's into shooting....no idea how much this costs but give then circles and lifestyle I don't imagine it'll be cheap

Show quote history

Shooting is another hobby that are very expensive. The guns themselves, shooting weekends...if it's that then buying the guns themselves and the weekends away would take what the husband has spent without raising a sweat.

whynotwhatknot · 27/05/2023 12:08

If you can see the accounts is it al cash withdrawals or is it online for hobbies?

i dont understand why he spent the premium bond money when he has 60k inhis own account

holliebo · 27/05/2023 12:09

Shooting is another hobby that are very expensive. The guns themselves, shooting weekends...if it's that then buying the guns themselves and the weekends away would take what the husband has spent without raising a sweat.
*
*
Im starting to believe he has the lifestyle where he could easily fritter away that amount.
It's a massive amount to most of us but from some of the responses it sounds like it's a relatively small proportion of their income/overall wealth.

If he's living a lavish lifestyle, earning 6 figures, shooting weekends, hanging out with well-off friends with similar lifestyles I reckon it could be quite easy.

Not like most of us overspending £100 on the weekly shop by going to Waitrose instead of aldi

prh47bridge · 27/05/2023 12:10

@ASeagullNamedDog I haven't read the whole thread, but I see you asked if transferring money to your mother would be seen as deliberately hiding assets. If you transfer money to your mother, your children or anyone else with the objective of hiding it in any divorce and reducing his financial settlement, that would be hiding assets and the courts can set aside the transfer. However, there is nothing wrong with putting money where he can't get at it provided it is all properly declared in the financial disclosure.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:12

Im starting to believe he has the lifestyle where he could easily fritter away that amount

That, or he's trying to keep up with people who can afford that lifestyle.

PineappleLatte · 27/05/2023 12:12

EdinaCrump · 27/05/2023 11:09

Yes very bizarre that he has £60k in his account but chose to raid the joint savings…

Agreed. This doesn’t make sense. Why touch joint savings if you have so much available.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 27/05/2023 12:12

I would be asking for bank statements and his printout from a free trial of CheckMyFile (Experian on its own, not enough), or threatening divorce. And then divorcing him anyway.

FatCatBum · 27/05/2023 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh FFS, that is a really shitty reply to someone who has just found out that her husband has spent tens of thousands behind her back. OK she has money but she has also been betrayed and her marriage is likely over

CuriousMama · 27/05/2023 12:12

I bet there's a woman involved. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your world must have fallen to your feet. I know the feeling. Present dh is extremely trustworthy. We have total transparency. Exdh not so. Your life will be better once you get through this. And once you're away things become clear and you get lightbulb moments. Best wishes to you and your dcs.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2023 12:15

If he's living a lavish lifestyle, earning 6 figures, shooting weekends, hanging out with well-off friends with similar lifestyles I reckon it could be quite easy

No doubt, but as PPs have said he'd then be able to tell OP where the money had gone instead of pretending he doesn't know

Okay so it would be embarrassing, but it's got to be better than losing his home and family which is what he could be faced with now

MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 12:17

prh47bridge · 27/05/2023 12:10

@ASeagullNamedDog I haven't read the whole thread, but I see you asked if transferring money to your mother would be seen as deliberately hiding assets. If you transfer money to your mother, your children or anyone else with the objective of hiding it in any divorce and reducing his financial settlement, that would be hiding assets and the courts can set aside the transfer. However, there is nothing wrong with putting money where he can't get at it provided it is all properly declared in the financial disclosure.

Wouldn't it be better for her to transfer to one of her own accounts which he can't access?

And if she doesn't have one, she needs to open one, pronto.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:22

Okay so it would be embarrassing, but it's got to be better than losing his home and family which is what he could be faced with now

Indeed. If that's what he's done then he has to admit 'I spent the children's money on trying to aspire to a lifestyle I can't afford to keep up with my mates.' The children's money. And I think the fact that he's spent money meant for them is why he's refusing to answer OP's questions. He's faced with what a shitty father he's been and can't or won't handle it.

Hayliebells · 27/05/2023 12:25

I've (unfortunately) quite a lot of experience of gambling addiction in my immediate family. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's it. Gamblers who haven't come to terms with their addiction become incredibly adept at lying. I really wouldn't expect a gambler to admit they have an addiction until they're ready up stop and seek help. Some never are. You need to seek legal advice about protecting yourself financially OP, you might not know the extent of it. It's horrible, life ruining, you have my sympathy OP.

EmpressMoo · 27/05/2023 12:33

Hang on, OP, it's bad but I can actually see how he could have frittered away £2.5k a month without having much to show for it. It could just be that the cost of living crisis means that you are living beyond your means. He should have told you though.

Firstly, you keep saying the money was earmarked for your DC but you yourself asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase from the savings. It sounds to me like your savings are not specifically for your DC, they are savings for your DC's future and other things.

Secondly, the accounts will tell all but it doesn't have to be anything like PPs have suggested - gambling, drugs, sex workers. You live in a big house, probably have big utility bills, probably don't scrimp and save on food. Your monthly bills could easily have gone up by thousands if you have a big variable mortgage and a huge house to heat. My bills have. If your "D"H has been maintaining his lifestyle (especially if he has expensive hobbies like shooting), the cost of which will have gone up too, it wouldn't be hard to spend £2.5k a month more than you were 2 years ago on the same lifestyle.

My eldest is very frugal, he has a decent house deposit saved up and money put aside for renting a place/setting up when he starts work later this year. He's been home for a month after finals so has no rent or bills nor any food costs when he eats at home, and he decided to relax and treat himself. Last month, he spent £800 with nothing much to show for it. A few hundred on travel expenses that he can claim back but mostly small things that have just added up - a couple of takeaway pizzas for the family, grabbing a sandwich or Maccys at lunchtime, takeaway coffees, 2 nights out at the pub with an Uber home, a couple of smart work shirts and a dress for his girlfriend from Primark, picking up some beers and snacks from the supermarket for a night in with friends. Nothing much.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 12:36

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:57

The credit cards have been cut up but right now I'm focussing on squirrelling as much as I can right now.

Also just because he has cut up the physical cards, it won't stop him using them. You can gamble online, buy things online, with just your card details/ phone wallet etc. The cards need to actually be cancelled.

You really need to see the credit report and statements so you know the extent of the problem and what he has been spending on.

7eleven · 27/05/2023 12:41

What a shock for you. He knows where the money’s gone. It’s too much just have frittered.

I'd ask him to leave until he tells you the truth.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/05/2023 12:42

@EmpressMoo you don't take out of savings for a col crisis bill when you are spending an £800 extra out of wages too.

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 12:42

MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 12:17

Wouldn't it be better for her to transfer to one of her own accounts which he can't access?

And if she doesn't have one, she needs to open one, pronto.

Show quote history

I think OP is thinking about in terms of a divorce, if the money is in her accounts even if he has no access they will still be considered marital assets to be divided in the settlement. Getting money into her kids names is probably the safest way to protect the money