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Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
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Littledogball · 27/05/2023 11:11

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EdinaCrump · 27/05/2023 11:12

You asked him to transfer £15k… which led you to find out.
But he has £60k in his account and he didn’t think to transfer £15k from his account to the savings and then £15k from the savings to you?
Something doesn’t add up. Maybe he wanted you to know what was going on.

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 11:12

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Wow, really?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:13

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I'm sure that'll really make up for OP finding out that her husband has lied to her for months and financially abused their children by stealing money meant to benefit them.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:15

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What?

Someone's husband has lied to them, betrayed them, their marriage is ending. They are in shock and distraught, confused, worried about the impact on their children's home and have no idea what has been happening, whether he is an addict or a cheat or what. Their whole world and family turned upside down and you come out with this facetious crap because you think nobody who isn't destitute should ever be allowed to be upset?

Fucking hell.

monsteramunch · 27/05/2023 11:15

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What a horrible post.

Yes, it would obviously be even worse if OP would be destitute from this. Obviously.

You think the fact she won't be deserves an eye roll? Really?

How nasty.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:16

Only poor people are allowed to have feelings now.

Thanks for the heads up.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 27/05/2023 11:17

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:55

I'm back

He hasn't lost his job, we work together

He has agreed to transfer me what remains in his account - around £60k

No drug usage. Definitely not.

Maybe another woman? Probably

My marriage is over.

I can max out the children's Premium Bonds under their own names - can he access these as parent? He isn't named on their accounts, just me

I would be very very careful about putting any money in children financial schemes before checking them THOROUGHLY. With the level of disorganisation he has there is a likelihood that he may end up supporting his children as he should so, having the flexibility to access that money in case the children need something if you end up unable to work temporarily or permanently for whatever reason is essential to the family survival. There is no point in knowing your children will access £10,000s when they are adults if there has not been enough money to provide for them in the formation years.

Besides… as a parent he may have access to those funds as well, or to the information he needs to fake being the children or you if he decides he needs the children’s money.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 27/05/2023 11:18

Correction: he may end up NOT supporting his children as he should so

Parisj · 27/05/2023 11:18

My bet would be he's been buying stuff for some woman on Only Fans, men want to be special and are only too easily persuaded to pay for some manufactured crisis that rescues the poor vulnerable person and cements their status as the only one she really actually likes. All done through certain app payment platforms.

TheGreyRockess · 27/05/2023 11:19

When you check his Experian credit report don't forget to obtain a copy of your own personal report. You never know if he's taken out a loan in your name or added your name to a debt/loan.

So sorry this has happened to you and your children.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:22

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For you, @Littledogball

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money
MLMsuperfan · 27/05/2023 11:25

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:26

I'm starting to think this too. Everyone can love slightly beyond their means. If he's in the highest tax band he's probably used to spending a lot of money, luxury treats, expensive hobby, big house. Just generally outliving his means

In a way I could see how the higher the salary, the higher the overspend. For example if you're used to earning £7k a month £9k isn't a massive jump. He'd be overspending by 20-25%

I'm not saying it's not a phenomenonal amount of money as dp and I are both basic rate tax payers. I could easily spend 20% over my salary every month on "stuff" if I wasn't being careful

Show quote history

Sure but there's a difference between racking up a lot of spending from the cashpoint or credit card, vs raiding the Premium Bonds account which is what happened to OP.

readbooksdrinktea · 27/05/2023 11:27

If he had 60k available to piss away, he's even more of a selfish fool for using the savings. What a complete idiot of a man.

MargotBamborough · 27/05/2023 11:28

He knows what he's spent it on. It's easy to fritter away money from your monthly pay cheque but £37k out of savings doesn't just disappear into thin air.

I'd want to see all his bank statements to work out where it's gone. There will be a paper trail.

And yes, divorce the bastard.

MagicSpring · 27/05/2023 11:29

Do let him sell his stuff, and then I’d suggest that goes into £17k of premium bonds in the children’s names with you as the guardian.

Are you still able to do the £15k purchase though?

LIZS · 27/05/2023 11:30

"Stuff" as in bought goods, holidays, treats, new car etc which you can see evidence of or as in gambling, nights out, online sites, affair? Even £800 pm is a lot without the savings.

IncessantNameChanger · 27/05/2023 11:35

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:51

Please do not live like this. You are torturing yourself. A marriage with no trust is finished, and of course you could never trust him again. Ever. Because even with treatment he could relapse any time. It is the worst addiction because you can see if an alcoholic suddenly comes home drunk, or a drug addict starts using. But this can be hidden, and you have NO idea. Even with the best precautions, he may then start to borrow "off the books" from loan sharks etc. Please don't do it to yourself, to live this way.

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Anything off the books wouldn't be able to be declared in a divorce though would it? Some of my kids would live with him if we split and I'd rather be destitute than not see my kids every day.

LIZS · 27/05/2023 11:37

Where did the 60k come from? If he was spending from savings why not use that account instead, or has he squirrelled it away into there for a quick exit?

Minfilia · 27/05/2023 11:41

He’s a thief and a gaslighting prick.

Nobody spends that much money without knowing exactly where it’s gone!

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 27/05/2023 11:41

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:10

Show quote history

In which case he world be able to explain where 45,000 went, no the stupid teenagery answer of "I dunno" 😔

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:44

Anything off the books wouldn't be able to be declared in a divorce though would it? Some of my kids would live with him if we split and I'd rather be destitute than not see my kids every day.

Loan sharks may represent a physical danger to your children. How do you think they intimidate people into paying them with no legal recourse to pursue unpaid debts that aren't legally valid? You need to get out of this situation. It will only escalate.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:47

In which case he world be able to explain where 45,000 went, no the stupid teenagery answer of "I dunno" 😔#

Well, exactly. I was just pointing out to one poster that you don't have to be buying art or diamonds to spend one hell of a lot of money on a hobby. A golfer - a mainstream and common hobby - who's serious about their sport could spend thousands on a decent set of clubs.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2023 11:53

I've seen the accounts ...

So is there any kind of pattern which would suggest where the money's gone?

As PPs have said, don't forget the Experian check to identify whatever's in his name (and hope to god he hasn't somehow managed to put things in yours)