Page 15 | Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

ASeagullNamedDog · 2023-05-26T21:41:11+00:00

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase This money was earmarked for our children's future This is divorce material, isn't it? No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

MumLass · 27/05/2023 12:45

StarGazerOriental · 26/05/2023 22:46

Did you not have access to the savings account OP?

Why does that matter?

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 12:45

EmpressMoo · 27/05/2023 12:33

Hang on, OP, it's bad but I can actually see how he could have frittered away £2.5k a month without having much to show for it. It could just be that the cost of living crisis means that you are living beyond your means. He should have told you though.

Firstly, you keep saying the money was earmarked for your DC but you yourself asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase from the savings. It sounds to me like your savings are not specifically for your DC, they are savings for your DC's future and other things.

Secondly, the accounts will tell all but it doesn't have to be anything like PPs have suggested - gambling, drugs, sex workers. You live in a big house, probably have big utility bills, probably don't scrimp and save on food. Your monthly bills could easily have gone up by thousands if you have a big variable mortgage and a huge house to heat. My bills have. If your "D"H has been maintaining his lifestyle (especially if he has expensive hobbies like shooting), the cost of which will have gone up too, it wouldn't be hard to spend £2.5k a month more than you were 2 years ago on the same lifestyle.

My eldest is very frugal, he has a decent house deposit saved up and money put aside for renting a place/setting up when he starts work later this year. He's been home for a month after finals so has no rent or bills nor any food costs when he eats at home, and he decided to relax and treat himself. Last month, he spent £800 with nothing much to show for it. A few hundred on travel expenses that he can claim back but mostly small things that have just added up - a couple of takeaway pizzas for the family, grabbing a sandwich or Maccys at lunchtime, takeaway coffees, 2 nights out at the pub with an Uber home, a couple of smart work shirts and a dress for his girlfriend from Primark, picking up some beers and snacks from the supermarket for a night in with friends. Nothing much.

If bills go up you don't start liquidating long-term joint investments to cover them without even speaking to your partner about the budget or the decision of how to handle it. Especially when you have £60k available in liquid cash still. It doesn't add up.

It's very easy to fritter money away when you have some spare yes, but doing it to an extent that you're lying to your partner about it and liquidating investments to fund whatever it is, is different. It's intentional, he made a decision that "I am going to sell this because I need the money for X and I won't tell me wife." If there was a general budget issue then this would be discussed with the other partner in the marriage, surely?

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 12:47

I think OP is thinking about in terms of a divorce, if the money is in her accounts even if he has no access they will still be considered marital assets to be divided in the settlement. Getting money into her kids names is probably the safest way to protect the money

A lawyer can advise about that next week. If the money is now in an account in her name only it is safe from him spending it. No need to make rash decisions on what to do with it over the weekend before taking advice.

brownjumper · 27/05/2023 12:47

Putting money in the kids name doesn't protect the money from being declared in the marital pot in a divorce...

endofthelinefinally · 27/05/2023 12:49

A friend's ex had transferred all their savings into pensions for himself, shares in his own name, offshore accounts and property overseas for his OW to live in. He was very controlling and she was naiive. She didn't do very well out of the divorce settlment, sadly.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 12:51

a couple of takeaway pizzas for the family, grabbing a sandwich or Maccys at lunchtime, takeaway coffees, 2 nights out at the pub with an Uber home, a couple of smart work shirts and a dress for his girlfriend from Primark, picking up some beers and snacks from the supermarket for a night in with friends. Nothing much

45k's worth of 'nothing much'? that's one hell of a lot of Maccys and Primark shirts.

MLMsuperfan · 27/05/2023 12:56

If it's gambling then it's rare (but no unheard of) for the spouse not to know that they've ever gambled. Before the addiction kicks in the gambler doesn't feel the need to hide it.

3luckystars · 27/05/2023 13:00

@Setyoufree ·I think you, and others could be right.
‘I do wonder if it's just cumulative living beyond means? You could definitely burn through that much by buying wine that's a bit more expensive, takeaways, meals out, holidays.’

it’s definitely possible to do that. Just a little bit more on everything could add up to a huge amount.

you must be in total shock. At least you caught him now and now another 2 years down the line. Well done.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 13:01

Maybe my case was rare then, but I had no idea ex-H did this. As far as I knew he'd never done anything other than the odd bet on Wimbledon or buying a lottery ticket. I looked at all his accounts: it had all escalated in a matter of months from nothing and first opening online gambling accounts to tens of thousands of pounds of debt. It can happen very fast.

3luckystars · 27/05/2023 13:10

So he just thought ‘there are plenty of savings, I’ll help myself to it’ and just massively overspent.

the good news is that you are not in debt. That’s the good news. The bad news is you are going to have to look after the finances for ever more and never trust him again. He might be happy with that solution!

all the very best to you, I hope you will be ok x

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/05/2023 13:12

holliebo · 27/05/2023 07:28

^*He has an expensive hobby. I haven't been to bed because I've had thoughts of husbands murdering their wives and children while they sleep

I've told him the items are to be sold today. Handed over to his dealer to sell them for him. I don't want them in my house while he's clearly lost his mind*^

Sounds like it to me.......

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Firearms match well with a description of items that must be sold by a dealer and that make OP fear for her life just having them in the house.

OP, can you go somewhere else with the kids for your and their safety? You need to sleep to think clearly about this and, in any case, you cannot stay awake forever.

NewUserName2023 · 27/05/2023 13:12

Check all his credit cards and credit score as you need to know the full extent of his debts, and I would hazard the CCs are maxxed out if he's been dipping into your joint savings.
You need to have full disclosure of the finances before you have a frank conversation about his plans to rectify your finances and whether your relationship can withstanx this bombshell.

prh47bridge · 27/05/2023 13:12

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 12:42

I think OP is thinking about in terms of a divorce, if the money is in her accounts even if he has no access they will still be considered marital assets to be divided in the settlement. Getting money into her kids names is probably the safest way to protect the money

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As per my earlier post, putting the money into the kids names wouldn't stop it being considered as a marital asset. The courts can reverse any transaction that is intended to reduce the amount OP's husband gets in divorce.

TheSunWithTheSmile · 27/05/2023 13:14

3luckystars · 27/05/2023 13:00

@Setyoufree ·I think you, and others could be right.
‘I do wonder if it's just cumulative living beyond means? You could definitely burn through that much by buying wine that's a bit more expensive, takeaways, meals out, holidays.’

it’s definitely possible to do that. Just a little bit more on everything could add up to a huge amount.

you must be in total shock. At least you caught him now and now another 2 years down the line. Well done.

I mean yes. As Dickens wrote:

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery." (David Copperfield)

BUT it doesn't explain the lies or the bizarre behaviour of liquidating investments while he still had £60k in cash. And frankly, who wants the stress of living with someone who might easily do this again, and they know can keep up lies to them and pretend everything is normal for 18 months? What an incredible level of stress to live with, to always be wondering if they'd do it again. You'd never know until it's too late, unless you want to be their mum until you or they die and manage their finances and give them pocket money. Not the adult relationship most people want and in the end, could you really respect someone you had to mother like that and fancy them, desire them? Unlikely I'd think. Contempt and resentment are huge passion killers, lack of trust precludes intimacy. It's not a life I'd want. A shadow of a relationship, if you have to treat another adult as a child.

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 13:14

prh47bridge · 27/05/2023 13:12

As per my earlier post, putting the money into the kids names wouldn't stop it being considered as a marital asset. The courts can reverse any transaction that is intended to reduce the amount OP's husband gets in divorce.

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Would they take into account that he stole the money from the money earmarked for the kids in the first place? Genuine question as I dont know much about it, as this would be replacing money he took rather than hiding assets?

Blossomtoes · 27/05/2023 13:15

MumLass · 27/05/2023 12:45

Why does that matter?

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Because access means you can keep an eye on it. I’d have noticed money disappearing from our joint savings account within a month or so because I check it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/05/2023 13:16

It is possible just to have a spending addiction. Someone in my family did: once blew 20 grand over a weekend on utter crap and honestly had very little to show for it. It ended in divorce, because they don’t stop. Even if it is just a spending addiction rather than all the more sinister things other people have mentioned, there will be nothing left and then they will just take you into debt.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 13:19

Would they take into account that he stole the money from the money earmarked for the kids in the first place? Genuine question as I dont know much about it, as this would be replacing money he took rather than hiding assets?

Sadly not: see my earlier posts.

However filing for divorce soon while he still feels guilty and may be amenable to agreeing a financial settlement that does reflect this and rectify it in the agreed shares of assets.

The key point now is that the OP arms herself with all of the information, makes him print off all his statements (including any pensions/ other assets, as well as debts) so she can go to a lawyer next week armed with all of the information.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 13:20

Firearms match well with a description of items that must be sold by a dealer and that make OP fear for her life just having them in the house

I sincerely hope they're kept in a secure gun cabinet and that the children can't get at them. And he has a firearms licence. In OP's place I'd ringing the police and telling them that she's scared for herself and the children.

Hollyppp · 27/05/2023 13:21

I wonder if the hobby is something like motorbikes

lightand · 27/05/2023 13:24

If you dont know where £37k has gone, sounds like he has spent it on someone else maybe.
Else a secret "hobby".

£800 per month for 10 months - wining and dining?

Strange you have no clue.

lightand · 27/05/2023 13:25

When did your accountant last see the business financial accounts?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/05/2023 13:26

Beeinalily · 27/05/2023 09:47

OP I think if you love one another, your marriage is not necessarily over, but clearly it will take a lot of work. You need to be in charge of all fiscal matters in the future, and the two of you need to go through all his income and expenditure for the last few years. I shudder to think how much was just wasted paying interest on the credit cards. As much as I sympathise with you and the children, I can also imagine his panic as the debts mounted. But remember that loving parents are much more important than money to the family, as long as you're all fed, clothed and have a roof over your heads. I sincerely wish you all the best with this, you must feel so bewildered 💐

But remember that loving parents are much more important than money to the family

A man who steals his own children's savings is not a loving parent.

lightand · 27/05/2023 13:27

I would be getting professional help quick. Of whatever sort necessary. [meaing accountant, solicitor to find out what he has been up to].
Knowledge is power as they say.

tolerable · 27/05/2023 13:28

calm= stunned?
fraid he knows exactly where its gone/what hes done with it.
truth can be hard.(to get/to deal with). x