Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:33

That's dreadful Objects.

The law certainly is an ass! Particularly to do this to a woman with children to provide for, too.

It is awful. Unfortunately the law is rather antiquated and seems to have been formulated on certain assumptions: that the lower earner was the primary carer for example. So higher earning women who also do most of the raising of children get absolutely hammered.

My advice to both my daughter and son will be to think extremely carefully before getting married and unless there is a pressing financial reason they need to like being a SAHP, not to do it! I thought it was about love and commitment - ha! It's not, it's a financial contract and unfortunately it can ruin you. The most expensive mistake I ever made. Never again.

We're doing ok now though. His life has become and even worse shit show but my children and their new home and our finances are now safe and I can sleep again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2023 10:33

18 months is a fairly short time

It is indeed, but best not to assume this is the extent of the time this spending's been going on for, when it could have happened long before that but been more easily absorbed because the amounts were less

Even if OP finds out the "headline reason" there'll be more to come out here ... there always is

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 27/05/2023 10:37

I wouldn't transfer it to a third party (your mum). Open a new account in your sole name with a new bank/building society and transfer over all but enough for the next two month's food and bills.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 10:38

CaveMum · 27/05/2023 10:09

Unless he’s been paying cash for everything there will be a paper trail. Tell him you want all bank statements and credit card bills for the last 12 months printed off and in front of you by 4pm today. You will then go through them item by item to see where the mo et has gone.

Be prepared for hidden cards/bank accounts that you were not aware of.

It’s ultimatum time - he provides everything and answers every question or it’s over and he packs his bags today.

Receipts and invoices, as well, to back up the credit card bills. Altho I bet he can't 'remember' where those are, either.

TeaParty4Me · 27/05/2023 10:38

He has not just spent it on ‘stuff’ that he can’t remember.

I would 100% divorce him over spending this amount money.

And I would not even feel any regret because whatever he’s spent it on is going to be a much bigger deal than the money that has gone.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:41

And to add insult to injury, I had to pay all of the fees for divorce and solicitors etc because he had no money as he had gambled it all and was in massive debt! It was suggested I should give him even more so he could pay off his debts and still have enough for another house deposit from my pension savings...

Sorry @ASeagullNamedDog to digress and hopefully your husband is not as hideous as mine was but he was also the "model husband", until it was revealed suddenly that he lived this double life of gambling and affairs. Everyone used to say how "lucky" I was to have such a caring man who was so thoughtful and did so much housework etc...

Focus on yourself and your children now. It's not hard for him to print off his Experian report that will detail all accounts in his name and then print off copies of all of the online statements for each for the last two years. So tell him to go off and do that now. Then by lunchtime you'll know what has happened and can decide what to do.

But frankly - although my opinion is clearly coloured by my own experience - I'd be calling a lawyer on Tuesday.

DrDavidStarKey · 27/05/2023 10:43

In your shoes, I would not use the D word yet. I would get him out for now by telling him you need time to think but make it clear he has to sell his stuff and also earn to pay back the money. He will only do this if he thinks there is a chance you will stay with him. Once he has done that and the money is somewhere secure, then divorce him.

Livelovebehappy · 27/05/2023 10:48

Sorry OP but you seem to be very gullible here. All that money can't have gone on an expensive hobby, unless we're talking collecting art or diamonds! Does appear that he is very aware of your gullibilty and is still hoping that that gullibilty will get him off the hook. I suspect there's more revelations to come.

Motnight · 27/05/2023 10:49

Bloody hell.

Hope you are finding this thread useful, Op.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:51

IncessantNameChanger · 27/05/2023 10:29

You need to tell him that he hands over every single bank login right now or your walking with the kids today.

If he won't you walk because there's something bad here he doesn't want you to see. I bet it's gambling. My dh did similar and I'd be insane to ever trust him again. I have every login to every account but more importantly I have his experion login so I can see any new debt. My dh has no access to say money. I put a block on any chances to our mortgage. Unless I had this I'd run as fast as the wind. He is in therapy for gambling addition but I will never, ever, ever trust him ever again with money. Never. In fact I still consider divorce and splitting assets now. Ideally I'd like to do that. We could carry on bringing up the kids but me and the kids wouldn't be taken out once he implodes. He is like an unexploded WW2 bomb I Nedd to keep a close eye on. Always the fear he will wipe us out at any moment

Please do not live like this. You are torturing yourself. A marriage with no trust is finished, and of course you could never trust him again. Ever. Because even with treatment he could relapse any time. It is the worst addiction because you can see if an alcoholic suddenly comes home drunk, or a drug addict starts using. But this can be hidden, and you have NO idea. Even with the best precautions, he may then start to borrow "off the books" from loan sharks etc. Please don't do it to yourself, to live this way.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 27/05/2023 10:53

CheekyHobson · 27/05/2023 09:14

@ForTheSakeOfThePenguin

Your ex sounds a lot like my ex (the bit about having to have professional kit for every new hobby he took up is painfully familiar). Its all about having a grandiose view of themselves and a sense of entitlement to whatever they want.

My kids and I also live more comfortably now that he’s gone, despite the household income more than halving. Even when they bring in a decent amount, these guys cost more than they bring in.

Interesting that you mention the sense of grandiose and entitlement…

For years I thought he was in the spectrum, as he had some sort of tunnel vision when it came to his own needs. I realise now that yes, he was in the spectrum, but not in the one that goes from Asperger’s to Autism but in the one that goes from Narcissism to Psychopathy.

Either way, we are living much better. I’m sure he is as short of money as he has always been despite the massive salary.

Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:55

I'm back

He hasn't lost his job, we work together

He has agreed to transfer me what remains in his account - around £60k

No drug usage. Definitely not.

Maybe another woman? Probably

My marriage is over.

I can max out the children's Premium Bonds under their own names - can he access these as parent? He isn't named on their accounts, just me

OP posts:
Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:56

Sorry about asking for the immediate financial advise

Time is of the essence Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:57

The credit cards have been cut up but right now I'm focussing on squirrelling as much as I can right now.

OP posts:
InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:00

@ASeagullNamedDog

Tell him to make the bank transfer to you now. You can sit on that money then fine until you can speak to a lawyer next week, but it is safe from being spent. Do not do anything rash with it, just make sure it's in an account in your name.

In the meantime tell him - as soon as the transfer is done and you've checked receipt of the money to your account - to go and print his Experian report and give it to you, and then to print off the online statements for every account listed on the Experian report, for the last two years. Then you will see where the money has gone. He can do this all online and print it.

Original poster
ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 11:01

The money is being transferred as we speak

I've seen the accounts, he's giving me everything he has available to him

Just until I can get to a solicitor, of course

OP posts:
InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:03

Also make sure it is the full Experian report not the summary, so you will also see any accounts that he has settled and closed within that two year period.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:04

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I promise you there is life on the other side.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 27/05/2023 11:04

I really can't believe he doesn't know where £45k has gone, he's lying.
I'm sorry you're going through this, for me there would be no come back from this.
Look after yourself and your children & all your futures.
If he comes completely clean, repents, and gives you full financial control then maybe your marriage can survive.
Take care 💐

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 11:06

I also don't understand why if he still had £60k available to him, he would liquidate the investments for the children and use those instead to fund whatever he was doing. It seems very odd.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 27/05/2023 11:06

tonyatotter · 27/05/2023 09:47

£800 on hobby kit, fair enough, £300 on tools, fair enough, couple of decent power tools will cost that, so thats £1100 accounted for, so £28,900 to go.

Unless you have a fully furnished gym, home cinema and workshop that has appeared in that time period, then its gone on something non physical, ie gambling etc...

I would in the first instance insist on getting an accountant to trace the money and work out where its gone - i reckon that will get him worried!

You forgot cooking… pretending to be master chef is awfully expensive particularly if they are proud and proactive about ingredient provenance. I can certainly tell you how to blow a full month of a higher than average salary in a home dinner for 4 people!

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 11:09

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 10:55

I'm back

He hasn't lost his job, we work together

He has agreed to transfer me what remains in his account - around £60k

No drug usage. Definitely not.

Maybe another woman? Probably

My marriage is over.

I can max out the children's Premium Bonds under their own names - can he access these as parent? He isn't named on their accounts, just me

If he isnt named on them you should be fine to put them into children's premium bonds

EdinaCrump · 27/05/2023 11:09

Yes very bizarre that he has £60k in his account but chose to raid the joint savings…

BellaVita · 27/05/2023 11:09

I am so sorry OP ❤️

Of course he knows where it has all gone, he is just choosing not to tell you 😡

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/05/2023 11:10

Livelovebehappy · 27/05/2023 10:48

Sorry OP but you seem to be very gullible here. All that money can't have gone on an expensive hobby, unless we're talking collecting art or diamonds! Does appear that he is very aware of your gullibilty and is still hoping that that gullibilty will get him off the hook. I suspect there's more revelations to come.

Clock how much some cameras cost

https://www.luxuryproperty.com/the-worlds-most-expensive-cameras

Cost of being sole owner of a racehorse

https://www.equesure.co.uk/contact-us/news-events/how-much-does-it-cost-to-own-a-racehorse/

Just two examples.

Swipe left for the next trending thread