Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone tell me how I should feel over DH's bombshell? Money

591 replies

ASeagullNamedDog · 26/05/2023 22:41

It turns out H has been raiding our savings for the last 18m-ish on the secret

He has spent £45k behind my back on fuck all - 37k of that in actual saved money, and wasting at least £800 per month out of his wages somewhere else

Nothing to show for it, says he doesn't know where it's gone

I've only found out as I asked him to transfer £15k for a big purchase

This money was earmarked for our children's future

This is divorce material, isn't it?

No secret children or other women, apparently not a gambling habit

I'm very calm but I'm not sure if I'm calm because I'm gonna crack up in an hour or two and bury him

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
tonyatotter · 27/05/2023 09:47

£800 on hobby kit, fair enough, £300 on tools, fair enough, couple of decent power tools will cost that, so thats £1100 accounted for, so £28,900 to go.

Unless you have a fully furnished gym, home cinema and workshop that has appeared in that time period, then its gone on something non physical, ie gambling etc...

I would in the first instance insist on getting an accountant to trace the money and work out where its gone - i reckon that will get him worried!

feebeecat · 27/05/2023 09:49

So sorry this has happened to you, such a shock.
we had similar in my husband’s family, literally tens of thousands gone and nothing to show. Never did find out where it went, but there was a lot of shopping, of just picking up random stuff when out and buying it without a second thought, straight off to charity shop the following day. They did also spend a lot of time out of the house away from family, we suspect there was someone else helping spend it, but never got to the bottom of it. Dh eventually went nc when they started asking us to bail them out.

It is very good that you have your own money, make sure you ring fence that and take control of all finances/bank accounts etc. And cut up the credit card!
It will take a long time, if ever, to rebuild trust, protect yourself and your dc in the meantime.

WisherWood · 27/05/2023 09:51

Well that's 2.5k per month pissed up the wall. That's more than I earn. I'm sorry OP but I don't think I would ever trust anyone who did something like that. He's now lying about where it went. It sounds like it's a spending addiction or similar but like any addiction, that's always going to come before you and the children. I know it's easy said than done but I wouldn't bother trying to fix this. Divorce time. He may well be a better father when he's less involved in their lives, sadly.

Feraldogmum · 27/05/2023 09:54

Is it possible he’s siphoned off the money as he intends on leaving the marriage and doesn’t want you to have it?

LemonjeIIo · 27/05/2023 09:58

ASeagullNamedDog · 27/05/2023 08:15

Sorry just to clarify:

I do have enough money for my children. But he's literally spent tens of thousands that was also to be theirs

Tell me this please -

If I transfer money to my mum, would that be seen as deliberately hiding assets? How can I protect my money from him?

Just keep it in your own bank. Doesn't make sense to move anything, and yes it would be seen as you hiding it.

FrenchLilacs · 27/05/2023 09:59

Arieslight · 27/05/2023 07:58

Over 18 months I wouldn’t say this is a particularly large amount of money to spend at all. I’ve spent similar in the space of 4 months when I’ve been going through a bad time and wanted material “pick me ups” or shopping to occupy my mind.

The real issue here is the not telling you about it and/or lying to you. Not the amount.

I understand just generally buying things… but OP would have noticed that amount of extra stuff coming into their home surely. Or if they had gone on expensive holidays, for example, of been eating out in lovely restaurants more than usual, or if the children had loads of new clothes and toys etc

Her DH has managed to spend all this extra money on himself, “under the radar” somehow.

OnlyFannys · 27/05/2023 10:01

I'm so sorry OP you must be in bits. I would move anything earmarked to the kids into ISAs for them so that neither he or you have access to them and wouldnt be counted as joint assets so that at least they are protected.

Lockheart · 27/05/2023 10:02

As another poster has already said, if they're on a variable rate mortgage then £1k extra or more a month could have easily disappeared with "nothing to show for it"

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:04

@ASeagullNamedDog as well as bank statements you need to see a copy of his credit record. There could well be other hidden debts he has not disclosed.

I am so sorry for you. I remember the shock. My ex-husband declared to me when I was 8 months pregnant that he'd run up £70k of debt. In his case it was gambling.

You can't hide your money, legally you will have to disclosed all assets but I suggest you file for divorce asap while he is still feeling guilty and then hopefully he will have the decency to agree a financial settlement that is split in such a way that the children's savings are replaced and he does not expect a share of your own savings, given what he has done.

PhotoDad · 27/05/2023 10:05

Some hobbies can have very expensive items which don't look that expensive. (I'd love to spend £20k on a pro-quality Canon telephoto lens...) I also think that a high spender could easily "fritter" by buying top-quality everything. It's a shocking thing that he's done, but I wouldn't jump straight to drugs/sex/affair.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/05/2023 10:07

He needs to understand that what he has done, the devastation and betrayal, isn't just about the money, its about his actions, the secrecy and sneaking.

This - the betrayal is unforgivable.

Given the circumstances I don't see how any court would think badly of you for keeping some money safe from him. Do you have your own account that he can't access? Time to get one.

Also this - I can't see why you wouldn't be entitled to as much from the family accounts as he has taken. (Of course my opinion and the law may not coincide, unfortunately.)

tonyatotter · 27/05/2023 10:09

All this premature talk of divorce!, first you need to know where it's gone, it could be poor money management and have gone on lots of different things - worth every penny to get an accountant to break it all down, then you know if he's just poor with money and therefore you need to take control, or if there is a more serious issue.

Friends DH buggered up their tax return and they have just recieved a huge bill for back tax, not getting divorced though - he was sporting a black eye whilst mowing the lawn!!

CaveMum · 27/05/2023 10:09

Unless he’s been paying cash for everything there will be a paper trail. Tell him you want all bank statements and credit card bills for the last 12 months printed off and in front of you by 4pm today. You will then go through them item by item to see where the mo et has gone.

Be prepared for hidden cards/bank accounts that you were not aware of.

It’s ultimatum time - he provides everything and answers every question or it’s over and he packs his bags today.

tara66 · 27/05/2023 10:10

Bonds - put money into fixed term bonds that earn interest and which cannot be accessed until expiry date. Building societies have them - like 18 month/2 year etc fixed term bonds. Only in your name of course.

Lockheart · 27/05/2023 10:11

tonyatotter · 27/05/2023 10:09

All this premature talk of divorce!, first you need to know where it's gone, it could be poor money management and have gone on lots of different things - worth every penny to get an accountant to break it all down, then you know if he's just poor with money and therefore you need to take control, or if there is a more serious issue.

Friends DH buggered up their tax return and they have just recieved a huge bill for back tax, not getting divorced though - he was sporting a black eye whilst mowing the lawn!!

That's utterly atrocious. Physical abuse is not a legitimate reaction to a financial cock-up.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:16

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/05/2023 10:07

He needs to understand that what he has done, the devastation and betrayal, isn't just about the money, its about his actions, the secrecy and sneaking.

This - the betrayal is unforgivable.

Given the circumstances I don't see how any court would think badly of you for keeping some money safe from him. Do you have your own account that he can't access? Time to get one.

Also this - I can't see why you wouldn't be entitled to as much from the family accounts as he has taken. (Of course my opinion and the law may not coincide, unfortunately.)

Sadly it doesn't. The behaviour of the parties is not taken into account. My ex-husband had gambled away tens of thousands, had multiple affairs (discovered later) and then walked out on me with two babies, but because I was the higher earner (as well as primary carer!) I was told I might have to give him a significant amount of money: most of the house deposit that I had paid and a large chunk of my pension...

Dortmunder · 27/05/2023 10:16

tonyatotter · 27/05/2023 10:09

All this premature talk of divorce!, first you need to know where it's gone, it could be poor money management and have gone on lots of different things - worth every penny to get an accountant to break it all down, then you know if he's just poor with money and therefore you need to take control, or if there is a more serious issue.

Friends DH buggered up their tax return and they have just recieved a huge bill for back tax, not getting divorced though - he was sporting a black eye whilst mowing the lawn!!

Wow, laughing at physical abuse, that's shocking 😮

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/05/2023 10:17

I wouldn't transfer anything to anyone else, but make sure it is in sole name so he can't access it.

I agree - if something happened to your DM (God forbid) - you might have a very difficult time proving that that cash belonged to you and your children.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/05/2023 10:18

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:16

Sadly it doesn't. The behaviour of the parties is not taken into account. My ex-husband had gambled away tens of thousands, had multiple affairs (discovered later) and then walked out on me with two babies, but because I was the higher earner (as well as primary carer!) I was told I might have to give him a significant amount of money: most of the house deposit that I had paid and a large chunk of my pension...

Show quote history

That's dreadful Objects.

The law certainly is an ass! Particularly to do this to a woman with children to provide for, too.

EggInANest · 27/05/2023 10:19

Yes, he could have frittered it away, BUT…

If he has ‘just spent it’ on increased mortgage / high bills / more eating out and hobby days etc etc then he will have no qualms at all letting the OP see where his income and spends went from his bank account, will he?

And there is still no excuse for saying ‘oh, had to liquidate some PBs to pay the mortgage’, every month when he was busy emptying the premium bond stock.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:24

All this premature talk of divorce!

OP herself said this must be the end of the marriage.

How could you trust someone who deceives you about something to this extent? If married you are financially tied so their decisions affect you and your future in a huge way. This is a huge betrayal of trust, to take money set aside for the children and lie about it for over a year.

Some people are very poor at money management but there's a huge difference between frittering away money you could save, and liquidating investments already made and earmarked for children: that is a deliberate, intention decision he made, and decided not to tell OP about. He admitted it only when he could no longer hide it because some of the money had to be produced and it was all gone.

Even if OP took control of all of their finances in future, who wants to have to behave like someone's mother and manage their finances for them? Have to demand to see their credit record every month to check they aren't running up more secret debts?

That's not a marriage that many people would enjoy and also not one that's likely to survive in the long term.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/05/2023 10:25

With mine it was prostitutes; he also ran up credit card debts because he'd run out of everything else, and ended up being blackmailed by one of them

As everyone's said, the "can't tell you where it's gone" is ridiculous; what he means is that he'd rather not because he's pretty sure it would be the end

Anyway you need legal advice and you need it now, especially about how to protect your own money. Please don't take online advice on this because some of it will be plain wrong and none of us know all your circumstances

GnomeDePlume · 27/05/2023 10:25

PhotoDad · 27/05/2023 10:05

Some hobbies can have very expensive items which don't look that expensive. (I'd love to spend £20k on a pro-quality Canon telephoto lens...) I also think that a high spender could easily "fritter" by buying top-quality everything. It's a shocking thing that he's done, but I wouldn't jump straight to drugs/sex/affair.

I agree with this.

Also 18 months is a fairly short time. So what for him has changed in that time? Has his income dropped and he's still spending according to his old income? Demoted at work?

Is he spending up with the Joneses? Is he being Mr Big Bucks at work to show off to the boss or a new colleague? This could easily account for regular spending inflation.

Hobby spend - having the latest bit of kit bought from the most expensive shop. It is easy to double the expenditure and really not have much to show for it. All for the experience of having been fawned over in the shop and being able to swank about the price tag in the office.

InanimateObjects · 27/05/2023 10:26

If he has ‘just spent it’ on increased mortgage / high bills / more eating out and hobby days etc etc then he will have no qualms at all letting the OP see where his income and spends went from his bank account, will he?

He'd also have been discussing the additional financial pressures with her at the time and coming up with a joint plan and a new budget, not liquidating the children's investments without her knowledge, then claiming he doesn't know where the money went. Not remotely plausible.

IncessantNameChanger · 27/05/2023 10:29

You need to tell him that he hands over every single bank login right now or your walking with the kids today.

If he won't you walk because there's something bad here he doesn't want you to see. I bet it's gambling. My dh did similar and I'd be insane to ever trust him again. I have every login to every account but more importantly I have his experion login so I can see any new debt. My dh has no access to say money. I put a block on any chances to our mortgage. Unless I had this I'd run as fast as the wind. He is in therapy for gambling addition but I will never, ever, ever trust him ever again with money. Never. In fact I still consider divorce and splitting assets now. Ideally I'd like to do that. We could carry on bringing up the kids but me and the kids wouldn't be taken out once he implodes. He is like an unexploded WW2 bomb I Nedd to keep a close eye on. Always the fear he will wipe us out at any moment