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Original poster

First time sex with new partner? Bringing up condoms?

157 replies

Dreamscape1 · 26/05/2023 11:50

Hi all,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks, and we’re about to go on a fourth date tonight. He’s invited me around to his house and he’s going to cook, etc. I have a strong suspicion based on back and forth flirting that things might become physical. I’m on the contraceptive pill, which works really well for me with no side effects etc. However, I obviously want to use condoms as well for added protection from STIs etc.

However, I’m worried about having the condom conversation, mainly because most of the men I’ve ever dated have been very resistant to the idea. I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms. In fact, the only man who ever suggested using a condom was someone who had premature ejaculation and needed one to numb some of the sensation.

Women, how have you brought it up, and drawn that kind of line in the sand? I don’t want to be bullied into not using one, as I was when I was younger, had no boundaries and more vulnerable.

Thank you!

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 10:21

bibbidybobbidyboo · 26/05/2023 12:56

While this is true, there are also some things that men aren't tested for e.g. HPV that condoms can help protect you against (although they're not 100% effective against it) so you have to be aware of that risk

Show quote history

Also herpes only shows when someone’s having an outbreak. Is that even tested for somehow? You can only confirm it when you have an outbreak

polkadotdalmation · 27/05/2023 10:43

So embarrassment would be prevent you taking actions to reduce the risk of STIs? Seriously? You're prepared to have sex with someone and share intimacy but can't even have a conversation about condoms. Before I had unprotected sex I would ask for STI checks.

If you've allowed yourself to have sex with men refusing to wear condoms without STI checks, then you need to reassert your boundaries.

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 14:09

Also herpes only shows when someone’s having an outbreak. Is that even tested for somehow? You can only confirm it when you have an outbreak

They test women for HPV when doing their smear test. Over 80% of people technically have the virus. But most people who have HPV never get symptoms of genital herpes. Also, the body can shake it off after a couple of years.

Theyreallydidaskthat · 27/05/2023 14:13

Condomsareamust · 26/05/2023 12:19

Name changed for this.

You take your own and if he refuses to use them you get out of the situation and leave. I wish i had done that with the last man I was with because he wouldn't accept my saying I didn't want sex without a condom and went ahead anyway. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So you make a fuss and you leave.

A condom is a firm boundary for you and if he isn't considerate of this get out before something serious happens.

Sorry to hear that happed to you @Condomsareamust . I hope you are ok

Theyreallydidaskthat · 27/05/2023 14:14

Only use your own, go safe or go home would be my motto if he objects.

Mischance · 27/05/2023 14:15

I’ve recently come out of a three year relationship with a man who refused to wear condoms - well thank goodness you are out of that one!

Not all men are like this - you have had a bad experience. The other thing to do would be to delay having sex at all until you feel you know him better and whether you can really trust him. There is something to be said for this - it is not just old-fashioned rubbish.

But if it is a ONS you are wanting then bring your own condoms and be firm. If he refuses then away you go. End of.

Azandme · 27/05/2023 14:30

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:27

Are you honestly advocating that a woman waits until she has the legal "trappings" of marriage before she knows if a fundamental aspect of a relationship (aka sexual compatibility) is right for her?

I'm advocating for people of both sexes waiting for the spiritual covenant of marriage before they have sex, which is just one part of marriage and a partly spiritual rather than just physical act.

Aren't we past this misogynistic bullcrap where women aren't allowed to have sexual wants and needs? And for them to be satiated in a mutually enjoyable sex life?

It's not about misogyny- both sexes should wait. And married couples can work on their sex life as an expression of their love, covenant, and sacrifice to each other.

I know it's hard for those of us that are used to living in a different way though. I converted to Catholicism recently, in my mid 40s.

And it's the use of the word "should" that is the problem with organised religion...

Mischance · 27/05/2023 15:57

I'm not into religion or the "spiritual covenant" lark, but personally I have never wanted to have sex with someone I did not know well and felt that I could trust on all the important things: contraception, patience, mutual pleasure, medical safety, honesty ............

The idea of a quick poke with someone I do not know properly never floated by boat, however great my legitimate "wants and needs" might be.

50450750q · 27/05/2023 16:27

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:27

Are you honestly advocating that a woman waits until she has the legal "trappings" of marriage before she knows if a fundamental aspect of a relationship (aka sexual compatibility) is right for her?

I'm advocating for people of both sexes waiting for the spiritual covenant of marriage before they have sex, which is just one part of marriage and a partly spiritual rather than just physical act.

Aren't we past this misogynistic bullcrap where women aren't allowed to have sexual wants and needs? And for them to be satiated in a mutually enjoyable sex life?

It's not about misogyny- both sexes should wait. And married couples can work on their sex life as an expression of their love, covenant, and sacrifice to each other.

I know it's hard for those of us that are used to living in a different way though. I converted to Catholicism recently, in my mid 40s.

You converted to Catholicism and now think you can tell other people what to do with their sex lives? Adds up.

onlyamam · 27/05/2023 16:28

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/05/2023 11:52

Just take some with you and if it comes to sex, just say "I've got condoms if you don't have any".

Ansoloutley stick to your guns. I wouldn't even mention that you are on contraception.

Exactly this. If he's resistant, he's not a good person.

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 17:01

@Azandme There's not anything wrong with 'should' in and of itself, moral guidelines etc.

For instance, most of us might think you shouldn't sexually abuse a child, randomly kill a stranger for no reason etc.

None of us actually think there should be no acts that are frowned on at all. All we differ on is what we think the acts that aren't considered ok should be.

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 17:05

You converted to Catholicism and now think you can tell other people what to do with their sex lives? Adds up.

@50450750q Earlier in the thread I encouraged OP to use condoms, as it's so easy to fall back into my old self on this forum, which has similar permissive values most of the time. Using them is a sin in Catholicism and encouraging people in any sin is a sin in itself, the sin of scandal.

It's not that I am telling people what people shouldn't do in their sex lives. Them's the rules, it's not me that makes the rules unfortunately, or it'd be much more like a free for all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/05/2023 18:26

Catholicism must hate women then. They don't want women to be in control of their own fertility. They don't value the women deserving to settle down with someone who is not a selfish lover.

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 19:04

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz To be fair it's mostly the same rules for men in a marriage too. If their wife was awful in bed in some way, that wouldn't be grounds for annulment, and sex before marriage isn't allowed.

The man mightn't want a child either, but the only contraceptives the couple are allowed to use, are abstinence or NFP (and that only for some grave reason.)

It's a different world.

AnorLondo · 27/05/2023 19:18

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 19:04

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz To be fair it's mostly the same rules for men in a marriage too. If their wife was awful in bed in some way, that wouldn't be grounds for annulment, and sex before marriage isn't allowed.

The man mightn't want a child either, but the only contraceptives the couple are allowed to use, are abstinence or NFP (and that only for some grave reason.)

It's a different world.

The women is the one who has to go through the pregnancy whether she wants to or not, so no it's not the same. Does the Catholic Church still forbid abortion even when the mothers life is in danger?

FraserNow · 29/05/2023 08:47

It is a different world @porridgeisbae and one you should have researched more thoroughly before converting. You sound like someone lacking critical thinking and of all of the Catholics I know (which is an extensive number given I was raised one), no one thinks the things you are saying are fit for todays society.

Abstinence and ‘should’ in Catholicism has caused nothing but abuse and shame directed at women. It’s a power trip by men, and other women who think they have a special badge to judge.

It’s teachings BY men FOR men. Don’t kid yourself.

Valeriekat · 03/06/2023 07:01

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 17:25

Of course, you could always wait for your future husband (whoever he turns out to be) and honeymoon. No need for condoms then really, as (God willing) you'll know where you stand.

I suppose if you and future husband had had previous partners, you might still want to get an STI test before consummating your marriage (or deciding on marriage) though.

Have you watched "From Here To Eternity"?

Valeriekat · 03/06/2023 07:15

FuckNuggets · 26/05/2023 22:37

1950 called, they want you back. I know for a fact my nan slept with my grandad before they got married and that was in 1947! Same with my parents in the 70s.

Show quote history

Pretty sure my Mum was pure when she got married (1958) but I think my Gran had a bit of fun! She would be 120 now. Wonderful woman. Only easily available contraception for women then was a very risky, painful and illegal abortion.
My Mum used "the cap" which I think at that time was only available to married women.

Valeriekat · 03/06/2023 07:16

Really horrified to learn that some men will still pull out that age old lie about the condoms though!

guineacup · 03/06/2023 07:30

Joystir59 · 26/05/2023 13:42

You need to state your requirement that he uses a condom, and that you have some if need be, before any sexual contact starts. This will be a good exercise in you being assertive and in control of your own wellbeing.

You don't need "to state your requirement..." or anything so dramatic. Before you have sex, you just say, "By the way, I've got some condoms here...". For me, it's as natural as saying "do you have milk with you tea?"

If he won't wear one (and that's going to be unlikely) you don't have sex, and you ditch him (as what kind of test refuses condom the first time they have sex!)

guineacup · 03/06/2023 07:33

While this is true, there are also some things that men aren't tested for e.g. HPV that condoms can help protect you against (although they're not 100% effective against it) so you have to be aware of that risk

That's true, but if you're sexually actively, you should be pretty much resigned to getting HPV. A US study showed that 80-90% of sexually actively adults had it.

WilkinsonM · 03/06/2023 07:42

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 14:09

Also herpes only shows when someone’s having an outbreak. Is that even tested for somehow? You can only confirm it when you have an outbreak

They test women for HPV when doing their smear test. Over 80% of people technically have the virus. But most people who have HPV never get symptoms of genital herpes. Also, the body can shake it off after a couple of years.

HPV and herpes are two different viruses

mumda · 03/06/2023 08:05

Can't broach the subject? You're not ready to have sex with him.

porridgeisbae · 04/06/2023 03:12

@WilkinsonM Apparently so technically but genital warts are often caused by HPV https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-warts/ But most people who have HPV don't develop genital warts from it.

nhs.uk

Genital warts

Genital warts are small fleshy growths, bumps or skin changes that appear on or around the genital or anal area.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-warts

WilkinsonM · 04/06/2023 06:41

porridgeisbae · 04/06/2023 03:12

@WilkinsonM Apparently so technically but genital warts are often caused by HPV https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-warts/ But most people who have HPV don't develop genital warts from it.

Yes I know that
HPV causes warts
HSV causes herpes lesions